SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Madgran 77: Thank-you for your post about Armadillo it was only later that the penny dropped and it clicked that she was estranged from her mum.

To Smileless2012 NellG and Rhinestone it is a difficult thing when the EGC suddenly makes an appearance. My mother encouraged and supported my brother to bring her EGC home, and have him live with my brother.
The bigger picture was that my brother was happily settled in a relationship and had been with her for 7 and half years,
but because his ex-wife 2nd marriage had also broken down she was putting her children out to the fathers or at least trying to. My brothers new partner had a five month old baby and no-body was giving her a say about taking on a 15 year old boy who had issues about what had happened in his life. I told my mother there is more to look at than just bringing him back to his father although my mother did not want to see that there could be a problem about anything.
To cut a long story short my brother moved his son in and my brother and his partner just limped along in their relationship for 15 months and then one day she took her child and went to stay with her mother, all of this because nobody thought anything through tried to come up with any solutions and quite honestly expected my brothers partner to just deal with the situation. Their relationship ended and 2 years down the line she had met someone else and then married him. I have very minimal contact with her
but she was a lovely person and she is still with the man she married. An EGC returning to the family is not always a fairytale as Smileless pointed out and that is exactly what my mother thought it was all about.

Yes I'm estranged from my mum.
Sorry I read everything and someone else was talking about puppies or was it dogs filling the void.
I'm not young!

I understand Smilelesswhere you are coming from. We just feel that the EGC will be curious and might want to see us. We did take care of the oldest for four years so he may remember us.
And 70 and 78 is not too old to begin a relationship. I guess we all have to wait and see where life takes us.

"And 70 and 78 is not too old to begin a relationship" Thanks for that Rhinestone, you're right I just can't imagine myself at 70 of Mr. S. at 78!!!

Of course, you took care of your eldest GC for four years whereas we've never had a relationship with our only GC so I understand that there is a bond there we never had.

Yes it was me Armadillo I posted in response to Yogagirl's lovely s.i.l. taking home live lobsters to her DD, that the only living thing Mr. S. would be welcome to bring home would be a puppy.

3nanny what a sad story. Such a shame that the possible problems were never considered and the relationship ended.

Maybe that will happen for me when my mum is gone people will talk to me again. She has a lot of control over themand always creating drama.

Afternoon everyone, hope you're all OK.

We had a very productive day yesterday which included clipping our little poodle and after we've had a it'll be our cockerpoo's turn. She spent the entire time we spent on our poodle, hiding under the table.

Had a lovely face time chat with DS in Aus, who told us Perth, where he lives, has gone into a 5 day lock down starting today because of one Covid case!!! No wonder Perth has had only about a dozen cases since this all started.

Blimey Smileless after one case. Clearly such a structure has worked for them!!

We had a case near me, 68 and they won't take him to hospital as they said he won't come back out.
Shame we didn't handle it like they do there.

I think someone's giving you fake news Armadillo. No hospital would refuse to take a 68 year old with Covid saying it's because "he won't come back out".

You'd think the reality of this pandemic is worrying enough, without worrying stories being made up that couldn't possibly be true.

Armadillo do you mean his family wont take him to hospital?

Ah that would make sense Madgran. I miss read your post Armadillo.

It seems that he would have a better chance of coming back out than staying hone. My friend at 77 went in and came out six days later. Doesn’t make sense to me .
Smilelessglad you had a good talk with your DS. Have they gotten the vaccine down there to teachers as they have here?

They haven't vaccinated anyone Rhinestone and from what DS told us, they're not planning too in Western Australia!!

To start with I would like to say what a wonderful, brilliant, caring woman Smileless2012 is. I poured my hear out to her over several PMs and she replied to me and told me her story. And finally I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I have been reading this thread since May. I last saw my son on my birthday at the end of April had a lovely couple of hours. We had to sit apart and couldn't touch. In the garden he talked about putting some paving down for me as he was worried I would fall. I have been ill since I was 29 with neurological condition. Am 62 now.

Long story short I moved 100+ plus miles to live closer to both my children. I was widowed 17 years this week. But still had parents and mother in law to look after. Only after my mom died I felt I was free to move. Both my children came to the north west to uni and told them to stay. My husband died in our daughters final year. I arrived here August 2019.

Always had a good close relationship with my son. He met his wife when they were 17 both will be 34 this year. Once I moved saw my son and 2 grandsons regularly. But only saw my daughter in law 3 times last time boxing day 2019. Not my choice I wanted to she her more often . I have never interfered in any way in my children's life's. If they needed help I gave it. I should say our daughter was 20 and son 16 when their dad died at the age of 47.

On the 4th May my son sent me a text saying he had sent me an email and not to phone him. He had sent on to his sister. Should also say from January last year he was put on a rota so he always had Friday and Saturday off. So every Friday he came with my grandson's had lunch and stayed about 4 hours. February told me they were expecting again in July. Last time I saw him and the boys together was 14th March which was a Saturday. Covid hit. Had phone calls,texts, photos and videos. I had bubbled with my daughter and family as they lived closer also my daughter in law's mother lived with them.

This email was vile accused me of things that never happened. Called me vindictive and manipulative. Ended with I love you mom but don't like you. Give me some time. So I did. As you can guess I was heartbroken . I have let them live their own lives even when I knew they where making terrible choices which I knew would end in disaster. Never said a thing when they did.

I knew the new baby was another boy as he told me at the 20 week scan. It was his birthday and second son's birthday the same day in August. So I sent presents cards and presents for my new grandson. The day after their birthday day everything came back all unopened with another vile letter. Again calling me vindictive and manipulative and saying he did want nor need my influence anywhere near him or his family zero contact. He didn't even tell me when my grandson was born or his name. It was his eldest sons birthday October but didn't sent anything . I will not give him chance to hurt me ever again. I will never forgive him or my daughter in-law or ever trust him again.

I took down their photos but left the photos of my grandson's up. Where they like it or not they are my family and those 3 boys are my grandson's and will always be. There will come a time they can no longer control them and if they want to know me I am here. The oldest is 4 ,his brother 2 and the baby.

I have found out by being tricked and trolled on another thread on GN by my daughter in law about what she has written about me on Reddit. She started long before I ever moved here. Smiles said she had read what she wrote. It is vile and untrue.

My son hasn't just cut me and his sister out of his life but all our side of the family.

Why I am telling you this because after reading your stories I feel able to. Also it would have been my husband's 64th today, tomorrow the anniversary of our first date in 1975. The day after his 18 th I was 16. And it will be the 17 th anniversary of his death on the 6th. The first year I won't hear from my son. Will he even remember I wonder. If he does I hope he feels ashamed but I doubt it. That sounds bitter but really I am not.

I am very lucky I have my daughter,son in law and 2 wonderful grandson's. Plus other family and friends who love and care for me.

Thank you for listening.?

What a very sad post Whiff x.

You’re right about Smileless being the essence of this thread - she’s happy to share her experience of estrangement and support everyone regardless of circumstances and differences of opinion.

I’m one who was estranged but have since reconciled so can sympathise with everything you’re going through and would only offer the advice to look after yourself now and concentrate on the good things in your life, DD and her family etc. ?

Pantglas2 thank you I do. I made my late husband a lot of promises and proud to say I have kept them. He wanted me to live the best life I can and am doing that. I don't hate my son and daughter in law I don't want nor need hate in my life. Hate is destructive . I will not have it in my life. Not when I have so many people who love me and who I love.

I look after myself and treat people the way I want to be treated. Even if I have to complain about anything. I never shout or swear or be nasty . It's a waste of energy. If someone has done a good job make a point of saying thank you. I know I am a good person. But life is for living and intend to live mine to the full. I am not religious but the only phrase I can think of is I count my blessings.

Hello Whiff, I'm so glad you've been able to talk about what's happened and have had good support. The lady Smile is a breath of fresh air!

It seems all our stories have so many parallels , the phrase "had a good, close relationship" seems key to me. Like a red flag to a bull to young women who think we're some kind of obstacle to their happiness. How can they love our sons as much as they claim to if they would take their mothers from them through lies and deceit? It's heart breaking.

The loss of your husband must be very hard to bear, especially with this estrangement. I hope you can spend his birthday with happier memories of the past. Your son will remember, he might not contact you but his past doesn't go away just because things have changed. People can deny their shame all they like, but they have to feel it sooner or later - we all do and we're not free until we do. He will be the same, whether it's today or some time in the future.

Carry on being a good person, the world needs more. It's not your fault your DIL can't live up to that so had to try and break it, equally it's not your fault that your son has chosen the path of least resistance. Decent, honest, respectful people are always the path of least resistance - we don't fight dirty.

Last, I am so very very sorry that you have been through all of this, but welcome to the club no one wants to find themselves a member of . Take care. x

YesWhiff Smileless has been a godsend to me too. She welcomed me five years ago and always has been supportive. Funny how we can like someone we have never seen. I live in the state and have been estranged from my ESS and his two boys for six years and my ES for three. I do have a DSD and a DD who has two children. There is nothing worse than being rejected by someone you had a great relationship with and loved so much. We are here for you and welcome .

Thank you Whiff, Pantglas, Nell and Rhinestone you're all so very kind.

Good to see your post Pantglas it's been a while and is always good to be reminded that reconciliation was possible for you.

I'm so pleased that you felt able to share your story here Whiff. This thread is doing it's job when it helps another poster feel safe and confident enough to share their experience of estrangement.

You've hit the nail on the head there Nell, how can they love our sons when they go out of their way to destroy their relationship with the family they came from?

Gosh has it really been 5 years Rhinestone. I suppose it must be and isn't it lovely that we've forged friendships because of this thread that keep on giving.

I've known Yogagirl for 8 years, she welcomed me when I first came to GN to post on the then, only estrangement thread here. We've all come a long way haven't we and having one another has been so important for us all on this journey.

Thank you all for your warm welcome.

Because of the lady Smile ( love that phrase NellG) I am able to watch the videos of my 2 grandson's and hear my son's voice without crying. I often said to my son I hope your boys put you through some of the things you put me and your dad through. It's not being vindictive to say I hope they do. Especially when they choose partners of their own. It would be nice to think he feels guilty but I doubt it.

My brother's second wife controlled him. And because of a lie she told he didn't speak or see us for 2 years. It broke my parents heart. My husband was his best friend . My brother and I have always been close as there is only 16 months age difference. He's my little brother. That was over 30 years ago I have never forgiven him. He knows it as I tell him. When this happened with my son he finally admitted she controlled him and used the children as a weapon. She was jealous of his closeness to our parents. My parents after visiting them used to come to our house and while I made the tea they cried how she treated him and the children. She was ok when they were babies but once they had a mind of their own she treated them like slaves.
We could see what she was like but he couldn't .

I put up with my son letting me down time and time again and put up with my daughter in law's rudeness because I love them. Never again. If he ever does decide he wants his mother back he has a lot of explaining to do and our relationship will never be the same. I am a realist and don't expect to ever here from him again. But I haven't shut that door yet. It's still fresh and don't know how I will feel in the future.

I know my grandson's will have forgotten me now. That makes me sad. But they are innocent in all this.

My son knew I was having tests done on my heart. If he had opened his birthday card and read my letter he would have found out I was born with a heart defect. I am 62 and never knew. Luckily it's not a hole as they thought but something else but Covid has put further testing on hold as it doesn't give me any problems. They will test further at a later date. I just hope when my 4 th grandson was born and the pediatrician asked if there was any heart problems they said yes and his little heart got thoroughly checked out.

When my daughter had her 2nd baby ,my 5th grandson she told them and they made a point of checking his heart.

Reading all your posts all these months and my PMs with Smiles has helped me so much I can never thank you all enough. You are all so open and honest I am glad I plucked up the courage to post. But I must warn you I write as I speak and tend to ramble on. I have become my mother a chatterbox. My husband used to say Dot have you got gills the backs of your ears she would say no and he said you must have as you never stop talking and it's the only way you can breathe. My husband and parents loved eachother very much as his own parents were horrible selfish people. More about them another time.

I look forward to reading your posts and thank you everyone of you . You will never know how much you have helped me. ????

I understand. I hope one day everyone sees the real side of my mum and no one ever speaks to her again. If she gets dementia she wouldn't be able to hide it. She says nasty things about everyone behind their backs. She never has many friends for long except for all the people she makes friends with in Facebook groups.
You know those people you meet in life who just gossip everyone's business and you avoid them as you know they would do it to you? She is like that.

ArmadilloIm sorry if I missed this but did your mom estrange you ?

Yesterday I got a phone call from a Guitar store asking to speak to my son . I said he didn’t live here but that I would give him the message. I texted him the message . No response back. No thank you nothing.
Why do I expect him to say thank you ? Will I ever learn. It’s like being with an abuser. I keep going back

It's your love that keeps you going back Rhinestone.

One day you wont, you wont even think about it. It wont be a conscious decision not too, it just wont enter your mind that you will, might or should and it wont be because you've stopped loving him either. That's one thing that never stops.

Until that time comes, you'll probably do it again and that's OK, just as it will be OK when the time comes that you don't.

You've come a long way dear friend so please don't see this as a retrograde step, it isn't. It's the harsh truth and reality of being a parent to an AC who wants nothing to do with his/her parent(s).

x

Wise words Smileless