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SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

(1001 Posts)
Smileless2012 Sun 11-Oct-20 18:15:31

No more needs to be said; this thread does exactly that.

Smileless2012 Tue 11-May-21 20:13:53

My apologies Whiff, just realised I didn't respond to your post blush. DS hasn't mentioned coming over, he prefers us to go to him because "it's such a long journey mum". No kidding sonhmm.

It is very hard as you say Madgran and I do agree that the wishes of the bereaved who have been in someone's life are more important than those who have estranged.

Hope you enjoyed your brew 3nanny and managed to lay your hands on some biscuitssmile.

Madgran77 Tue 11-May-21 22:15:25

3nanny6 I volunteer at a hospice and that has really changed my view of end of life.

A strong cup of tea and a biscuit ...always a good remedy! smile

Whiff Wed 12-May-21 09:26:38

Has anybody heard of Lucyloo12?

Smileless2012 Wed 12-May-21 09:33:08

I've just done a search on GN and there are no results for a Lucylool2 Whiff, is everything OK?

Madgran77 Wed 12-May-21 10:44:53

There are results for Lucy Loo 12 coming up Smileless.ast post I can see was in 2020

Whiff Wed 12-May-21 11:00:47

It's just I had a PM from her then answered . Then only thought I should have checked she was genuine and not my daughter in law trolling me again. She did say she was widowed at 45 and estranged from both of her daughter's.

Whiff Wed 12-May-21 11:05:50

Madgran found her like you said 2020. At least I know she's genuine. Thank you and Smiles. ?

Madgran77 Wed 12-May-21 12:16:35

Whiff wise to be careful

Smileless2012 Wed 12-May-21 14:10:07

Well done Madgransmile. That was my worry too Whiff so I'm relieved it's not your awful d.i.l. trolling you again.

Smileless2012 Wed 12-May-21 14:15:42

Forgot to say that we are nearing our maximum 1000 posts on this thread but no worries as when we do, we'll start another one with the same title so everyone can find it.

Namsnanny Thu 13-May-21 11:28:24

Thank you Smileless for saying you'd start another thread. smile
Hello to everyone posting here.
I've been finding it difficult to even talk about my estrangement, so I try to concentrate on other things, but when I feel able I read your posts. Every story is different, but always so painful.
But there is such kindness here.
Thank you for having the courage to talk openly.

Whiff Thu 13-May-21 14:02:04

Namsnanny I sent PMs to Smiles long before I plucked up the courage to openly post. She helped me see I wasn't on my own and knew how I felt. Since openly posting it has helped me get through the first year without my son and family. Everyone here has helped me so much I can never thank them enough.

I know I can say how I feel and get help and support ,and not hatred and criticism. This is a safe place to be . With others who know how you feel.

I am very glad the day I found this thread. It's made my life easier.

Madgran77 Thu 13-May-21 17:02:09

Welcome Namsnanny flowers

Rhinestone Fri 14-May-21 12:28:18

Good Morning from across the pond- I had my surgery yesterday and they removed a polyp from my uterus. Won't know if its cancerous or not for a few days. Crossing my fingers. My calves are awful as I could not walk yesterday. It felt like I climbed a mountain and I do wonder what they put my legs in that would cause this.
Whiff How lovely that you had such a nice day with your DGS. Our EC don't know what they are taking away from their children by estranging them from their grandparents.
CafeauLait I think a talk with your DH will help you see what to do even though it may not be what you would do. I am in the same predicament with my DH. He wrote a wonderful letter to his ES two years ago and won't mail it. I believe in trying everything possible before giving up. He thinks differently.
Smileless Welcome back to the 60"s and Happy Belated Birthday. Glad you have an escape and have enjoyed that.

Smileless2012 Fri 14-May-21 12:39:36

Hope you soon recover Rhinestone and keeping everything crossed that there's nothing untoward with the polyp they've removed.

I remember my GP saying to me after my hysterectomy, because I was quite literally black and blue and he said he'd never seen anything quite like it, that once you're under the anesthetic it's no holds barred when it comes to putting you into the position they want. That's probably why legs ache today.

Thanks for the "welcome back to the 60's"; hadn't thought of it like thatgrin.

CafeAuLait Fri 14-May-21 12:42:52

Rhinestone, yes, I will never be quite 'okay' with our family being estranged from his parents, it's not how it should be, but it might just be how it has to be for now. I don't see it ever being mended, which is sad, even if it probably is for the best overall.

All the best with your test results. From my experience, they should have it back quite quickly. I think, for me, it was about 4 days, which doesn't feel short at the time, of course.

Lucyloo12 Fri 14-May-21 20:23:18

Hi Lucyloo12 here, not a troll or relative of anyone here. Both daughters have stopped speaking, 4 gc to miss. This time I'm so worn out and down that I hardly care anymore. This blackmail bullying estrangement or whatever it is has been going on for 15 years since my husband died. They have both said the wrong one died
There is a limit to the suffering, I'm beyond heartbroken just numb now.

Whiff Sat 15-May-21 07:02:53

Lucyloo sorry you have had to suffer the loss of your husband but being bullied by your daughter's ever since is truly terrible. How cruel to say the wrong one died.

I know you were widowed young and that's hard enough to cope with. But your daughter's attitude must have nearly destroyed you. How cruel of them when you needed love and support.

But you haven't given up which shows you are stronger than you think. Having the courage to post here will help you. I know I couldn't have coped without this thread and the wisdom ,help ,support and understanding I have found here.

I hope you don't feel alone anymore I am new to estrangement but some here have coped with it for years. They will help you find a way to get through this awful time.

All we do is bring our children up with unconditional love and attention. Why some turn into the adults they do I will never understand.

Being here I hope you will begin to feel again. Look after yourself. ?

Whiff Sat 15-May-21 07:30:14

Rhinestone glad your operation when ok. Hope you begin to feel better soon and get the results quickly. Until try not to worry about them. I know that's easier said than done. But it is out of your hands now.

I've got another kidney infection started Thursday on antibiotics again. But had an appointment to speak to my GP yesterday morning. I was diagnosed with heart failure last year and found to have been born with a heart defect. It doesn't bother me just every now and then my heart speeds up did last about 10secs but over the last couple of months it's lasting longer. So my GP is sending a referral letter to cardiology for me to have a 24 hr tape. Which should be interesting never had one before. But they wire you up and a box records everything as you just go about your daily life. Also because I miss my sit fit group there are chair based exercise classes run by the falls prevention unit but you have to have a GP referral. So my Dr is going to do me a letter to collect in a couple of weeks so I can attend them. Found out via the British heart Foundation there is a link between heart failure and kidney infections. But she said that's a matter for the urologist. Already on the list so just have to wait my turn. I know they will get round to me eventually. Was pleased as it was a positive appointment.

Didn't stop me looking after my grandson yesterday. Must have got the knack back as I got him to sleep . His brother enjoyed his swimming lesson and ever went under the water. My daughter only turn away for a second and he was under but he was so good he just stood up. He was fine but complained because his hair got wet. They made a cake the day before so I had a treat cake and hot chocolate. Yum.

Hope we get some summer soon as the sunshine raises people's spirits.

Smiles hope you did those photos for your son . He must cherish the happy childhood you both gave him. ?

Smileless2012 Sat 15-May-21 09:54:26

A warm welcome to our support thread Lucyloo it's good to see your post here.

For your D's to say "the wrong one died" is wicked. Despite more than 8 years of estrangement and 8 years of posting on the estrangement threads here on GN, and on other on line sites, I am still horrified to hear how some EP's have been and continue to be treated by their EAC.

For me, feeling numb was almost a relief after feeling the pain and desperately trying to live with the suffering, and after the numbness came acceptance that this was how things are and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

That was when we, Mr. S. and I, took the enormous decision to leave the home where our children were raised, move away and begin to re build our lives.

There is indeed a limit to how much suffering we can endure and as EP's, as we have no control over our estrangement, we need to do what ever we can to take control of our lives and not allow our EC's cruelty to blight the rest of our lives.

This thread will end very soon, just another 5 posts after this one will mean it's reached the maximum 1000 but another will be started immediately.

I hope that now you are here you will continue to share with us and allow us to give you all the help and support that we can.

We need one another and are blessed to have found and made good friends here.

Oh dear Whiff, you really are having more than your fare share of health issues at the moment aren't youflowers. Glad that your doctor's appointment was positive, despite the problems and that you enjoyed looking after your GS.

We sent a couple of pics to our DS in Aus., as requested and it makes me heart sing to know that he at least cherishes the childhood he had.

Have a good day everyone.

Rhinestone Sat 15-May-21 15:33:07

SmilelessI think what your GP told you was correct. My neck muscles hurt too and they must have strapped me down when they put that tube down me. I know they strapped my chest because I was awake then. I’m glad your DS has happy memories. And don’t think for one moment your ES doesn’t either. It’s there but suppressed because it may maje him have conflicting feelings.
LucylooYou are in the right place for support. You have been through a lot and we may not be able to fix things for you but we can help you not feel so alone. I just wish I had a wand to wave over all of us and make things better.
WhiffThere are times when everything hits us all at once on top of our estrangements. The most important thing I have learned in my two estrangements is to take care of me first both mentally and physically. Glad you gave your grandson to brighten up your spirits.

Sparkling Sat 15-May-21 23:48:58

Hello LucyLoo, you sound as if you have suffered so much since your husband died. The people who should have helped you through the early stages did the opposite. I watched the programme on tv tonight about Charles and Harry's estrangement. So publicly out there must make it harder. Lots of people on here that fully understand and support you. I never remember my family bring estranged or knew anyone that was, unless I had rose tinted glasses, it seems that every family I know now is estranged from one family member. I have cone to terms with my position never changing, too much has happened.

CafeAuLait Sun 16-May-21 00:20:57

Sparkling, estrangement is an odd concept for me. It's not really something that happens in my family.

My husband tells me that his mother has always had people she isn't talking to for periods of time. Maybe that's why he finds it so much easier than me to accept. It's not unusual for him to see his mother do that.

Lucyloo12 Sun 16-May-21 07:18:55

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. Have looked at this forum for a long time, unfortunately for all feel reassured its not just me. Have had to make some major decisions lately. I am selling up, my house is full of memories good and bad but need a change so decided to buy a flat. Its smaller and easier to look after and releases some cash. This time I'm going to enjoy what I've looked after for years. I've felt like the gatekeeper to 'their inheritance' for too long. I've cried for years to the point I'm now so numb, at least now I can see life in the cold light of day and make positive moves for myself. I never envisaged ending up here in life but have to somehow make the most of the time I have left.

Whiff Sun 16-May-21 07:19:24

Well today would have been our 40th wedding anniversary. Just wrote a post on pain of loss thread. Didn't think it was right to post here. Feel better writing it.

I woke this morning and didn't know how I felt. But feel happier now. So why am I crying!

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