SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

I'm feeling less stressed today. Our musical evening did the trick; Mr. S. knows me so well.

We did have a little dance Whiff but as usual it got rather crowded as the dogs had to join in too.

Estrangement is very aptly referred too as a living bereavement.

I'm sorry that you had to find your own way through the grieving process when you lost your DH.

This support thread and those who post here is a real blessing because we can help, support and guide one another through this terrible experience and help one another to rebuild our lives.

Smiles glad had your dance with Mr S and the dogs. 2004 was a different time. Things have improved to a certain degree in 17 years. Having places like this with all the forums and threads means people have a place to find help and support.

Back then I remember being in our local town and seeing someone I knew and when they saw me the look on their face when they spotted me was of shock . They darted into the nearest shop. It was someone I had know for years. I don't know what they thought would happen when we said hello. This is the first time I have ever told anyone. It was as if suddenly I had the plague. The 45 year old me just carry on shopping. The 62 year old me would have followed them and asked what was the problem with me. But life and years changes you. And glad to say for the better.

Oh Whiff that's awful.

A few years ago now a wonderful young man, an up and coming tennis player, was killed in a car crash. We knew him through our sons but not the family terribly well.

A few days before the funeral while we were out for a meal, a group of mid 20 year old's came into the same restaurant. I hadn't seen his brother for some time but knew he'd been in Florida pursuing his own future in tennis, and I recognised him.

I told Mr. S. I was sure it was him and that we needed to say something as we were leaving, because it would be awful not too if he recognised us. I'm so glad we did. He did know who we were and thanked us for stopping and taking the time to say 'hello'.

Long before that, I'd read an article about grief and how terribly upsetting it is for those whose acquaintances and even friends, went out of their way to avoid speaking to them when they saw them out and about.

I told myself I would never do that to anyone and I'm so sorry that someone did that to you.

I volunteer in a hospice and one of the most common things raised by families when supporting them and they want to talk is about how people they know well, count as friends etc just cut off or avoid them or avoid the subject ...both whilst their relative is dying and afterwards. It hurts terribly.

I have always been determined to do the opposite - it isn't always easy but it IS the best and right thing to do ...and you were so right to speak to speak to that young man Smileless

It's odd isn't it Madgran and I think it happens with other life changing situations for example terminal illness and in our experience with estrangement.

I think mentioning estrangement is the quickest way to make whole room awkward ha ha

Armadillo that's so true. Along with saying you are a widow. Think people expect you to burst into tears or something. When I go out I always make a point of wishing people a good morning etc. My thinking is you don't know if you are the only person they speak to all day. Haven't been on a bus since the week before Christmas. But got talking to a woman at the bus stop . She had been widowed 7 years ago. And we talked about it never getting easier but you cope. She said it was lovely to talk to someone who understood. Like I said you never know how you touch other people's lives .

Whiff

Just saw your post about the number of UTIs you've had. Yikes! If you haven't already, you may want to ask your provider whether you should be assessed for diabetes and/or atrophic vaginitis. The former can cause UTIs because you could be spilling sugar in your wee, and that would encourage bacterial growth. The latter is a condition that affects some ladies as they age. The lack of estrogen to the vaginal tissues can cause issues with the vagina and the bladder. If it's a major problem it can be treated with vaginal estrogen, and this is often an option even for ladies who can't take oral estrogen - the systemic absorption is minimal. Your provider can help to determine the cause and see if there's anything to be done.

Smiles I am sorry to hear about your MIL. Just to give you a heads-up - sometimes people do seem to rally just at the very end. I've seen it happen. I had a patient who had been unresponsive for two days. (He was in hospice care so this was not unexpected.) He woke up and spoke to me. He passed away that night. Usually these sudden improvements tend to happen only at the very, very end. Unfortunately this time of year seems to be a common one for people to pass. When I was in graduate school, I worked night shifts on the weekends at a local hospice. One year in January and February I had at least one patient pass every weekend for seven or eight weeks in a row. People seem to give everything they have to get through one more Christmas, and once they're past that, they're ready to go.

agnurse thank you for thinking of me. Those where some of things I looked at while researching UTIs and kidney infection. I am speaking to my GP on Thursday. I am a great one for lists and have a long list of questions to ask her. I had worked it out that it could be kidney, bladder, diabetes ,lack of oestrogen and lack of vaginial secretions. I had seen that oestrogen can be given in patches, gel or pesery . I don't want to take anymore tablets as I take quiet a few as it is.

My husband was unconscious for the last couple hours of his life. He couldn't breath even on full oxygen. So I told he to stop fighting. As final words go this is not great. The children didn't hear but he opened his eyes looked at me I was lying on the bed right next to him and said I've wet myself and he died. This is the first time I have told anyone. Just writing this made me smile. He was always a joker and I like to think he said it on purpose to make me laugh. I can imagine him thinking what he would like his final words to be and decided nothing flowery or profane. But something ridiculious.

You are right about people getting through their last Christmas my husband did he died in February. My mom was staying with my brother and sister in law her last Christmas. They had her so I could see my children. As he was putting her to bed she said I have had a wonderful day would you mind if I died in your bed. He said do what you want mom. She didn't and it was February when she died. Always wish she had as its what she wanted. My mom said the last time she visited my nan in the home she was her old self she died in the early hours.

It's nice to hear it from a professional point . Our district nurse said you could always tell how long people have got by their legs. On the Wednesday she said he hasn't got long. But I knew and asked how long . Was told 2 days he died on the Friday.

Hopefully I haven't depressed everyone. Sorry if I have . But because of how lovely you are I have found I can say things here that I have never told anyone. You have made this a safe and cosy place to be. On that note I had better get my day started. Have a wonderful day everyone ?

I noticed a few comments up the thread about people who avoid someone if they have lost someone and I also would never do that.
In fact it happened to me recently as my neighbour died mid January. He lived alone and was a nice man he was a private person but spoke and said hello whenever you would see him.
His family came to see him although mainly it was his son.
I put a sympathy card in the door to the family.
The family did not come near his house for 5 weeks and I have heard from another neighbour he was cremated about two weeks ago.
Just over a week ago I was putting the bins away and the son got out of a car to go into the house I said Hello as I was being polite and was about to say how sorry I was about his father only he walked straight past me and went inside without a word. I thought he was rather rude.
After two weeks there is still lots of plastic bags a fridge freezer and many belongings piled up on the garden even the fathers car has not moved quite sad really to be honest.

Well even if we can't get why some mums don't love their babies or why someone could abandon a lovely mum at least we can bond over how hard and lonely estrangement is.

Armadillo you are right some mums don't love their babies,
sometimes it can be down to the mother having post-natal depression or mental health issues and they find the bonding process just too difficult to achieve however their is hope for them as treatment is available.
The mums that just offer their babies neglect and abuse are different and when they know they do that it is even worse.

Yes I know there is a big difference having mental health problems and being abusive. I still call my boys my babies even though they are all grown up now.

Armadillo our children will always be our babies. Even if they don't want us. I was still my mom's baby until her dementia and she didn't know who I was and thought I was her mom. By then I was nearing 60. It's a caring mom thing. Just sorry you haven't got that.

^QuoteSmileless2012 Fri 05-Mar-21 09:45:33
Morning everyone.^

Now when you read this, you may think I'm losing the plot, and maybe I am but is this horrendous public spectacle of Harry and Megan affecting you on a personal level?

Yes I thought it was like my estrangement too, with the new partner being cut off from all their family & friends. I wasn't going to watch it either, but found myself watching the Sat programme on them. From their first meeting up to their leaving the Royal family & country! leading you into this interview with Oprah. So I will now watch this evening.

I haven't thought about it much but I've been reading what people say recently and I have seen all the things that Megan dad and sister said and I think everyone agrees they are awful but whether Megan is awful as well I don't know.
I do think Megan has mental health issues and I do think maybe all the press and the stink her family kicked up was embarrassing for the Royal family and there probably is some issues. I don't know who is to blame or what went on really same as we all cant. Meghan said there were racist comments and there are racists in a lot of British families just through being ignorant and I don't think the royals would be immune from being racists.
I don't think she should have had the big public blow up either way and her and Harry should have gone off and married quietly instead of that big fiasco. She had too much baggage and he never wanted to be a royal so even if that's not her fault they should have seen this coming really shouldn't they. They must have known exactly what would happen really. I just wonder if they had hoped and prayed things wouldn't go the way they did but I don't know what they were thinking.
I can't get either side really and I think people are picking sides but they are their own truth and story and we shouldn't let it affect us because anything that happens in the news you won't know what really went on with it and I can't walk in Meghan shoes even if I had abusive family. All this is too different to me and I don't live my life watched or hated/loved by Joe public with people caring about what I get up to ha ha

That's very sad 3nanny, there's something undignified about bags being piled up in his garden along side his fridge freezer, and his still not being moved. It would upset me too.

Hi Yogin, hope you don't mind that I've abbreviated your name and welcome to this support thread. I'm sure that this spectacle is resonating with a lot of EP's and EGP's., especially those of us who've watched helpless, as our AC's partner erodes the relationship we once had with them.

I'm sure that this spectacle is resonating with a lot of EP's and EGP's., especially those of us who've watched helpless, as our AC's partner erodes the relationship we once had with them

I agree Smileless and also resonates with those who are at any point along that erosion road.

This is the problem Madgran with people who think it's all about meeeeeee.

Indeed * Smileless*

Mr. S. is gathering provisions before descending 2 flights of stairs to the basement to watch the interview. It's not as bad as it sounds or as he's making out; we have a second living room down there.

I told him to be thankful we don't have a dungeon.

Smiles hope Mr S watch the interview. I was going to say hope he enjoyed the interview but that sounds wrong. From the bits I heard on the radio and clips during adverts on TV glad I didn't watch it. I keep thinking was she's an actress so she knows how to play a role. I don't know how Prince Charles and the rest of the family felt. But know how devastated I was to find out what my daughter in law had written about me and my daughter on Reddit. Also the fact people reading it thought they could say awful things about us. Apparently there were some who thought I sounded nice . Reading 2 sentences was enough for me. My daughter read it all but would only tell me one bit which she found hysterical. As she wouldn't hurt me and more than I was. But a friend of mine told me bits.

It's funny really. After my husband's funeral my son was a nightmare he wouldn't tell me where he was going after dinner and didn't know if he was coming home. He always did but sometimes drunk. I used to spend those nights in and out of his bedroom checking he hadn't been sick and lying in it. He was 16 and grieving. Then after a year he met his future wife at college. I was so happy finally my boy was happy again. And his usual self. Little did I know what was to happen and the seeds of her hatred for me were sown after a few months together.

Yet again something I have never told anyone. You are all very good for me I know I can finally say things that have been bottled up for years and know you won't think bad of me. And can probably relate to how I feel.

Mother's day has never bothered me before. But all the adverts and emails are driving me mad. It's like rubbing salt into a wound. I know my daughter will go all out as she always does and there will be something from my grandson's. It's like after my husband died. All the adverts where about cancer it seemed every single one. Especially the one with the little girl walking on the steps. This was 2004.

Right enough about that . On a lighter note. The men came yesterday to start my paving in the from and back gardens. They are lovely and worked their socks off. When they lifted the loose stones on the pathways round the raised beds in the front there were paving underneath. Not in good condition but would have been safer to walk on than the stones. Only lived here since August 2019. If only I had know I would have removed them myself.
The skip arrives today and just one of the men today but both will be back tomorrow. It will look lovely when finished and they are putting in soak ways to stop the garden flooding in heavy rain. It's very flat here.

Hope you all have a good day and thank you for being here. ❤️

I am low contact at the moment, thanks Smiles

H&M is a very sorry affair and definitely one for the estrangement posts. He had to choose his wife really, but you can tell he isnt happy and his mention of "home" being England..... Meanwhile shes got what she wanted!

Onwards I hope you are happier now. And can get on with living your life as you want.

Like many son's on here they have chosen their wives over parents and rest of the family. Harry like some son's on here has opted to do it the cruel and cowardly way. Why he expected his father to cover all his expenses when he has millions is beyond me.

Neither of my children accept my help with any money towards their weddings. Both couples saying they had saved and where working to a budget. Both where fabulous days full of love and happiness.

They both have there own houses. Again saved whilst in rented so they could have homes of their own.

Seems the rich want to get richer. Where as the rest of us know if we want something we have to work ,save and make sacrifices to get it.

Thanks Whiff and yes, so cowardly! I'm so sorry for your pain.

I am not happier as such as my Mother is playing head games and making up rumours about me. Mother's Day is always a hard day for me, but I have got her a nice gift regardless. Duty is important to me.