SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Hope the cleaning went well hugshelp. It's another beautiful day here at our lodge and we're really enjoying our break away.

Our dogs have been groomed and look beautiful and I got my hair cut yesterday. At least now when I look in the mirror I no longer see my mum looking back at me.

Glad you're having a lovely sunny break smiiles.
The sun is out here too. Some admin to do this morning but planning on a potter in the garden after lunch.

Glorious sunshine here and sitting in our garden surrounded by pots of daffodils in a T shirt!! Sunshine and warmth certainly lifts the spirits!

Glad everyone is enjoying the warm sun, it is nice here also
and I am going to take the dog out soon for a walk.

I hope I can just run a little thing sort of bothering me .
It's about the partner of my son, not that I am too much involved with her as she is not in my bubble only my son is.

Problem :
My son visits fairly regularly we have a chat and if I need some little things done in the house he helps out.
My son stayed at my house Friday as he had been at a friends whose step-father was ill (cancer that spread very fast). On the Saturday morning the friends step father passed away. My sons partner came on his phone and she was arguing with him so he was trying to tell her what had happened and he was at my house she would not believe him so he gave me the phone and asked me to confirm it.
I said hello twice and then she clicked the phone off without acknowledging me. My son said it's her hormones obviously only because she is pregnant. I said she can be rude when she wants to be and left it at that.
I am not going to let her upset me as I have high blood pressure at the moment and have to go back to the doctor on Wednesday and so I am not stressing about her.
It is just a bit on my mind as she has done this before when my son asked me to go on the phone to her and that is why l am thinking IMO she is being disrespectful. I am thinking I
will refuse to go on his phone again as to me I treat others as I would like to be treated and I would not do that to her.
Sorry for the moan but she p----d me off a bit.

I'm not surprised 3nanny, there's no excuse for such bad manners, not even if hormones are raging.

My advice FWIW is if your son asks you to speak to her on the 'phone again to do so, but if she behaves like this again, to explain to your son that you wont be doing so in the future.

Hope having a moan on here has helped.

3nanny6 sorry that happened to you. Manners don't cost anything. I put up with my daughter in law's rude behaviour for years. She was never nasty to me. But as soon as I arrived at their house she went out with a friend. She would answer if I asked a question but there was no small talk. When they visited me she always brought her crocheting and started doing it as soon as she sat down. What I will never understand I have since found out she has hated me for years but when I moved here she made me the most beautiful crochet blanket. It must have taken her months. I will take a photo and post it and you will see what I mean.

Your son's partner can't have any compassion for your son's friend. She sounds all self. Like my brother's second wife. As soon as he arrived at our parents or our house she was phoning to see when he was coming back. He was in the TA he loved it. But she got jealous that he was doing something that didn't include her. So he gave it up.

Just realised something my parents must have been going through the same things I went through. What a fool I never realised. No wonder my mom said when my brother married my wonderful sister law finally someone who deserves him.

3nanny6 you must take care of your health. Hopefully you blood pressure will be ok when you see your GP. I have to take mine everyday as part of keeping a check on my heart.

Moan away Smiles has made this a safe place to do that. ??

This is the blanket

Thank-you Smileless2012 for the advice and that is what I will do, even before I took the phone from him I did not want to
because she has previously done this and to me it is bad manners.

Whiff : You are right when you say she is all self, how can she continue shouting down the phone at him when he has told her he is at my house because he spent time with his friend and the step father then passed away. When she carried on like that my thoughts were how selfish she is but I did not want to say that to my son.
Whiff yes I must take care of my health, the nurse at the doctors phoned me and asked me to come in to have my blood pressure checked, it was high and so I have been taking it at home with my own monitor and I have to go back next week for further checks. It has been high most days and I really need it to come down.
That's why I am not losing any sleep over my sons partner,
I need to look after myself.

That is a lovely blanket and like you say it must have taken her months. I suppose you put up with your d.i.l for the sake of your son as that is what most of us do. My son only met his partner in January2020 but I knew nothing of her until March 2020 and then we went into lockdown and had to abide by restrictions so she hardly knows me. There have been a few incidents with her as well as putting the phone down and to be honest I am only plodding along and keeping the relationship going with my son due to the fact of the coming baby. I have a feeling that the baby will spend a lot of time with her mother and her side of the family and TBH I am prepared for that and feel no jealousy that I will get less time. I think because of all the estrangement of my daughter that having my sons partner act like a prima donner and attention seeker I am more than prepared to take a back seat with the new GC.

It amazes me how many spouses of our DC are so rude and uncaring or jealous and immature. We send gifts for the holidays and birthdays to my stepdaughter and her partner of 28 years. NEVER a phone call to thank us. Last week he told my stepdaughter that he sent a text. My DH never got it. We keep sending him gifts to keep the peace. We used to call him also on his birthday but never a response back so we stopped that.

That's really beautiful Whiff and as you say, must have taken a lot of work. It's strange isn't it, how they turn for no apparent reason. It's almost as if we're lulled into a false sense of security before they strike the killer blow.

I'm sorry that you're anticipating not seeing much of your GC when s/he arrives 3nanny. It's supposed to be such a happy time waiting for a new arrival but I'm glad that you are preparing yourself for how things may turn out.

It amazes me too Rhinestone. They meet, fall in love with and marry the sons and daughters we raised and yet right us off as no good.

Manners cost nothing and it's awful when sending a gift you're not just doing so out of love but fearing the consequences if you don't.

How are you doing and your mum doing? I hope she's settled if only a little and you're able to take some time to concentrate on your own needs and well being.

SmilelessThank you for asking. Mom is better but the short term memory loss is there. She probably won’t drive again though. And she won’t move either. She is alone in her own condo. She very stubborn but once she is failing in other ways and can’t care for herself we will have to place her in a senior facility.
Today my stomach is doing flip flops. I’m feeling very anxious about my ES. He will be removed, belongings and all, from my X’s soon. He’s very ill mentally and wish this wouldn’t be happening now. It’s hard enough to put someone on the steeet let alone your child who apparently has mental issues.

Oh dear 3nanny that was rude. I'm sure most of us have had hormones cause ups and downs but she's either really struggling or totally oblivious to the feelings of others so do that.
What a beautiful blanket whiff - I can see the work that went into that. Are you sure she really hated you? Is she perhaps just immature and unable to communicate like an adult so just blurts stuff like that out?

Thank-you all for your kind messages it does help.
Smileless 2012 how right you are we raise our sons and daughters through the good times and the bad always wanting the best for them. If we only knew what life has
instore for us once they have found their wings and flown the comfortable nest we made with them perhaps we would try to cling onto them for longer. I loved bringing up my children but knew they would always want to live their own lives, the part between leaving home is not too bad I think it is when they meet a certain one and children start to arrive
there is a huge change. I fell into the pattern that when mine were young there was plenty of grand-parent time for them which they enjoyed somehow my time at being a grandparent has been very different.
Who knows how things will turn out with my sons arrival that will be here soon, I think about it and feel happy and excited and praise for the joy of new life, although what kind of visits and acceptance his partner has for me I do not know.

Rhinestone that must be stressful knowing that your son will be put on the street. Is there nothing that adult social care
can do for him surely if he is mentally ill and vulnerable then they can organize accommodation for him and not leave him to his own devices that is cruel.
I hope you have better news about him and he is getting looked after.

Wow, lovely blanket Whiff.

So sorry to hear about what happened 3nanny6, and that you are not able to look forward to your new grandchild; best to be prepared but not easy

Rhinestone hoping that things get a little easier for you with all that you are dealing with

The sun is still shining with us and we are making the most of it. Hope everyone else is able to as well.

Hugshelp. My daughter in law trolled me on another thread and at the time was staying at my daughter's as I was having a new shower room, my bedroom walls and ceiling re plastered and decorating done. I have a neurological condition I am in constant pain but at times it flares stops me doing things and effects my concentration. I wasn't on my A game or would not have responded to her post . She posed as mom of adult children and mention these posts on Reddit and put a link. Like an idiot I pressed it. 2 sentences was enough I past the phone to my daughter who read the lot. The posts went back long before I moved to live closer to both families. I know what she wrote my daughter won't tell me as she said I didn't need to know. But a friend read it for me and told me what she said. I needed to know. Smiles has read it . What she wrote can only come from hatred and the lies where awful.

Rhinestone sorry your worries are piling on. You really don't need all this stress.

My children have always know I joined Gransnet after my house sale feel through for the second time and needed help and support. Then found I wasn't alone in this happening. They both guessed what my username would be as it's what my husband called me.

Have a good day everyone ?

3nanny6 My sons illness is undiagnosed and I doubt he will believe anything is wrong with him. My X husbands excuse is that he has been with him three years and he’s tired of hearing conspiracy theories . Supposedly he asked my ES to leave many times. I fear what will happen if the police come to remove him. I don’t understand how there is a moratorium on evictions here until late June but yet a father can evict a non paying son.
Everyday I wake up with my nerves messed up . Today my daughter is having an endoscopy so I have to take her to that.
I need a vacation badly !!!

Rhinestone I am sorry you have worry after worry. Hope all goes well with your daughter's appointment. ?

We were the same 3nanny. My m.i.l. was very much a hands on gran, more so than my mum, and our boys had many days out and sleep overs.

I look back to those times and realise how lucky they were that they had the GP experience we had when we were children. I feel sorry for our GC, just being here at our lodge, an experience they could have shared with us or their parents, not to mention when we had our villa in Florida.

They've been denied so much out of spite.

What you d.i.l. posted on Reddit was far and away the worse thing I've ever seen Whiff, and to think that she was doing that while you had no idea what was going on is IMO a window into the mind of a nasty and perhaps disturbed individual.

I'm not surprised your nerves are frazzled Rhinestone. I hope your D's endoscopy goes well.

Another beautiful day here, can hardly believe the wonderful weather we've had since arriving and I hope you can all take some time to do something for yourselves and enjoy the weather too.

Having just read the thread Never dreamt this could happen. Glad I am on this one.

Some of the people on there for some unknown reason seem to think us estranged grandparents have said horrible things to our grandchildren about their parents. Smiles is fighting the good fight as usual defeating us good grandparents. She has the patience of a saint.

I have always said my son and daughter in law are excellent parents and my grandson's are being brought up with lots of love and attention. Always have food cooked from scratch , lovely clothes and shoes. They have lovely manners and the 2 I know are loving and caring. And I miss them so much and their baby brother.

It's my son and daughter in law who have a problem with me and said vile things about me and my daughter .

My grandson's are growing up without any of our side of the family. One day they will want to know why? Be interesting what they say.

oh dear whiff what a horrid way to find out someone's nature and thoughts about you. x

Hang in there Rhinestone - I pray better times are ahead for you. Hope your daughter's endoscopy goes well. x

I don't read many of the other threads. I have tried to learn from those that have estranged but I have found little in common with my own situation and find the communication doesn't always flow in both directions well. I'm not always sure what the motives for some of those threads are. I don't mean that unkindly. More that I think some people are seeking something I cannot give. Not sure who can.

I know what you mean hugshelp. You certainly need a thick skin to venture onto some of them and being a glutton for punishment works quite well too.

Hope you don't mind but if I write this down hopefully it will banish it. I have been plagued with nightmares since puberty. Even after I got married. Sometimes they got that bad I would cry or scream in my sleep my husband used to hold me for the rest of the night. After he died there have been times they have been so frightening or disturbing I would have to leave the light on to get back to sleep.

Since moving they stopped until last year after my son decided he no longer wanted a mom . But my messages with Smiles and coming to terms with the situation they stopped.

Until last night. I am very good at analysing why I do and feel things. I know myself very well. The nightmare was a mix up of my husband dying of cancer and my son saying he had cancer and my daughter in law saying hope you are happy now. Scared me so much have been awake for hours.

I know why it's happening it's a week today it's my birthday, which means it will be a year since I last saw my son. Had such a happy time with him. And all the time he knew what he was going to do.

My darling daughter has already asked me to spend the day with them and take my grandson's out somewhere and have dinner with them. She asked if I would like a take away for a change . We are having fish and chips. I said the last time I had that was with them. She laughed and said that had to 2 years ago. Normally she cooks.. She's doing everything she can to make it a happy day and banish last year.

Sorry I know this this silly compared to what some of you are going through. But hopefully by sharing this it will stop the nightmares . I don't want to be that person again. I don't want to wake up crying or screaming and having to sleep with the light like a frightened child.

I don't want to be the old me . I love the new me. Since moving I got my identity back. Everyone knows me not someone's wife then widow or the children's mom. Since mom died in 2017 no one is dependent on me anymore I like that , finally I was free to live my life.

Thank you for being here. ?

What damage these breakdowns cause. It took me years to value myself and distance. Whiff I have never heard of Reddit, I don't use any social media and it is such a shame you glad to find out. Your daughter sounds lovely enjoy your birthday.

Nanny 6, your dil sounds very disturbed, I think your attitude spot on, look after yourself and don't be part of her games. You couldn't treat anyone as she has, keep your dignity and look after your health. I feel for your son but he knows you are there for him.

Sparkling I had never heard of Reddit until I clicked on it. My daughter says it's a place nut jobs go. I have never been on Facebook . Only place I go online is Gransnet. But some of the threads seem to attract people who only have an axe to grind.