Nonviolent Communication

I think parents underestimate the impact that verbal abuse has on children, screaming at anyone never helps.

It was good that your friend admitted that she had a problem and sought help, so many don’t realise or want to accept that they need to change.

Good to hear about a positive outcome icanhandthemback well done to the mother for taking the advice on board. Sounds like a useful course.

I agree sodapop it is good to hear about a positive outcome, especially one that saves a family from estrangement.

The fact that this family had been in therapy for over a year shows that there was a willingness from them all to find a solution which is the only way to achieve a positive outcome.

Argumemts are like tennis. You can't play tennis without at least 2 people hitting the ball back and forth. If one person can keep the language patient and positive then balls stop flying around.

I am glad the parent agreed, it usually is the parent that sets the tone for conversations however old their children.

That's a great post icanhandthemback. Thanks. It's so good to read that NVCC has helped this situation.

"If one person can keep the language patient and positive then balls stop flying around" not always Astral.

It is a great suggestion.

I would see it as one of the many factors to remediate estrangement.

Smileless2012, it doesn't always work but usually the fallout is less unless you are dealing with somebody with a personality disorder or other mental health disorder. I have had to work terribly hard at not becoming estranged with my daughter who is BPD. Once I realised the path I was treading, which was definitely in the wrong direction, I read everything I could get my hands on to see if I could at least keep up some form of communication. There are times when it has been as much as I can do not to throttle her with her mindset but keeping things level has got us to a slightly better place. She is going to have treatment and I am reading the literature her CPN is recommending to her to see if I can understand her better. I am also thinking of doing the NVCC to see if there is something I can learn there too. As I say to parents of ASD or PDA children who complain that the powers that be are insisting they go to Parenting Classes before they will help, you never know, you might learn something. I know when I see my offspring bringing up their children, I often think if I had my time again, I'd do it their way.
The family were technically in therapy for a year but after the first session (and the other couple of sessions), the fallout was so great, it would take months to get everybody back. I think it is hard for any mother to hear that kids who she thought she would always be in great relationship with, were so unhappy with decisions she had made throughout their lives. Small things get magnified if not done with great care and you can get so bogged down in things that actually weren't the original problem. It just snowballs from there.

Really good post icanhandthemback
Thanks for sharing. I hope others here will read it.

You are so right. We can't change someone else, only ourselves.

icanhandthemback -- Well stated. In my experiences, if you aren't getting the reaction you want from someone, especially children regardless of age, then it is up to us to change our approach. No change in us means there will be no change in the reactions of our children.

* We can't change someone else, only ourselves.* So true NotSpaghetti

We can't change --- but we can change how we deal with them.

In my case, I think standing back is best. My son seems to be doing everything in his power to hurt me. I have not given him any reactions because I suspect him of gaslighting. I have either responded or not responded, but I have not reacted. I will not give him that power, even though I might bleed on here.

I'm glad your D is going to have treatment icanhandthemback and it's good to see how much you're doing to understand her and find ways to work through your problems. Wishing you all the best.

"I will not give him that power, even though I might bleed on here" so much pain in such a short sentence Lavazza. You're doing really well in extremely difficult circumstances.

Thank you for your kind words. My heart goes to you, Lavazza1st.

There have been many a tear shed over my DD and I am still grappling with the fact that BPD is often attributed to a lack of a bond with your child or growing up where there is an abusive relationship. It didn't feel like the bond was missing when she was small but looking back, I can see there were things that were very different when she was young. My relationship with her father was violent, something that started when I was carrying her. I had a difficult relationship with my mother who completely took over with my DD at every opportunity...and I let her because it was easier. So, I have to take responsibility for my unwitting failings and I hope that it will be useful to her to see how my childhood impacted what I did although I am not trying to make excuses for my failings. I love her with every bone in my body but sometimes it is tortuous and it maybe always the case but I will know that I did try to put things right. I have to be careful to balance that with not being held hostage to her too.

So sorry for your pain too Icanhandthemback Oh you sound like me. I too had a difficult relationship with my mother and an abusive dad to my kids

I can't remember which thread it was, but someone said I had unhealthy relationship patterns and they were probably right. The problem is, what we accept in relationships comes from the way our parents treated us. As a kid, I was the "caregiver" and responsible for my parents so as an adult I've had to learn about codependant relationships. Problem is, I've always overcompensated and overgiven (too nice syndrome) which is probably why I don't get respected.

No idea how to change, but I do want to- mainly so I have better standards about what's acceptable. It was hard enough leaving an abusive partner, but when it's your kid that you gave birth to it's so hard to let go.

Thanks for your understanding Smileless2012 I appreciate being able to talk about it and "bleed" here. It will be easier to heal from airing the wound, I hope- and also I hope it reduces the stigma. When my first AC cut me off ,I felt a lot of shame, but this time I don't.

We felt that shame too Lavazza and I know how much it helped knowing that we weren't alone and that the shame was not ours.

Yes, that's true Smileless2012 and I hope if anyone is reading this and suffering, they will feel able to open up and let it go.

There is even an Estragement charity now, www.standalone.org.uk/

If you are reading this and going through it, you are not alone. Please talk about it and don't bottle it up. Many young people today seem to be selfish and unloving. It seems almost "fashionable" on sites like Reddit for young people to talk about going "NC" with their parent, unfortunately. I hope their pride doesn't come before a fall because they could spend the rest of their lives living with regret for the shoddy way they disregarded their loving parents.

Actually I am going to now shame those kids. Because it's the loving parent that is often left feeling shamed. But like Smileless2012 says it's not theirs to feel.

To every adult child who has abandoned their parents and not even made the effort during covid to contact them and see if they are OK, SHAME ON YOU ! You will regret this, see if you don't. More. Fool. You. You only get one set of parents. If you do not forgive, you are harming yourself and you WILL regret this to the end of your days because your bitterness will destroy your happiness. ALL your adult relationships success or failure comes back to that parental pattern, so if you don't make peace with your past, your adult relationships WILL be impacted. You may think it's your parents you're punishing, but you're punishing YOU.

(rant over) for now.

I didn't know there was an Estrangement charity Lavazza, thanks for the link.

I was sent a link to an EAC site on Reddit about a week ago and often get a message telling me there's a new post. I got one yesterday and there were 3 EAC saying they couldn't understand why the parent(s) they'd estranged weren't bothering to contact them, to see if they were OK and how they could let their child go so easily.

I thought how strange it was that having cut contact, they seemed to want their parents to make contact. There was another one today where the EAC showed a text message they'd received saying messages of that nature were sent fairly regularly and their response, which was if they didn't stop contacting her, she'd block them and I wondered why she hadn't done so already.

It made we wonder if some AC don't think it through before estranging, that when they tell their parents they want nothing to do with them, ultimately that's what they get.

"Actually I am going to now shame those kids. Because it's the loving parent that is often left feeling shamed. But likeSmileless2012says it's not theirs to feel.

To every adult child who has abandoned their parents and not even made the effort during covid to contact them and see if they are OK,SHAME ON YOU! You will regret this, see if you don't. More. Fool. You. You only get one set of parents. If you do not forgive, you are harming yourself and youWILLregret this to the end of your days because your bitterness will destroy your happiness.ALLyour adult relationships success or failure comes back to that parental pattern, so if you don't make peace with your past, your adult relationshipsWILLbe impacted. You may think it's your parents you're punishing, but you're punishingYOU.

(rant over) for now."

I can read the pain in your post.

I have a different concept of forgiveness.
It is a personal decison that does not mean contact will be made with the other party z it may or may not.

Personally, my relationships with other people have improved after I cut off my parents.

I am happy and loving life now vs unhappy, depressed and anxious before.

Yes, we only have one set of parents and I got a very bad assignment- they are not fit to be parents and responsible for any human beings or animals whatsoever.

For my narc parents, a message from me saying "hello, I hope you are doing well" means for them:
"we will be best friends again, we will talk daily on the phone, go and you will host us for 3 months to make up for lost time and we will take our grandkids to Europe with us for the summer to give you guys a break"

No no no no no..... an inch is a 1000 km for them

So as a person who did not open pandora's box to check on my parents for covid - I am very much at peace with my decision

I am not a kid, I am very much an adult.

Being call a kid is infantilizing and condescending.

Lavazza1st

Actually I am going to now shame those kids. Because it's the loving parent that is often left feeling shamed. But like Smileless2012 says it's not theirs to feel.

To every adult child who has abandoned their parents and not even made the effort during covid to contact them and see if they are OK, SHAME ON YOU ! You will regret this, see if you don't. More. Fool. You. You only get one set of parents. If you do not forgive, you are harming yourself and you WILL regret this to the end of your days because your bitterness will destroy your happiness. ALL your adult relationships success or failure comes back to that parental pattern, so if you don't make peace with your past, your adult relationships WILL be impacted. You may think it's your parents you're punishing, but you're punishing YOU.

(rant over) for now.

I'm a little shocked by this.

I believe Stand Alone is there to support anyone impacted by estrangement whether they were estranged or did the estranging themselves.

I believe the estrangement threads are here to support anyone impacted by estrangement too?

Your comment could be incredibly painful for those who have been forced to estrange a family member and it is not just parents who are estranged, sometimes people estrange their own children or siblings or other family members too. Sometimes that's the right thing to do and sometimes it isn't.

Estranged parents do not have a monopoly on innocense
or support in estrangement.

I hope you rethink your comment. I understand your pain but it is unkind to others.

I certainly don't think it fits under

"non violent communication"

"I am happy and loving life now vs unhappy, depressed and anxious before" that's good to know Hithere and gives hope to all living with estrangement, whether they took the decision to estrange or were the ones estranged.