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Estrangement

Christmas /why do they do it?

(34 Posts)
Lavazza1st Thu 26-Nov-20 20:11:14

Re Christmas : I am struggling a bit because I thought my son was estranged, then he came to pick up post and we talked a bit, but last week he started ignoring me so I left it. His wife is also ignoring me.

When he used to live with me he was saying he didn't respect me and clearly looking for ways to try and hurt me. I talked it over with some friends and they agree that he is trying to be hurtful. I feel like the ignoring is part of this behaviour and yes it does hurt.

I've already lost one child and GC due to estrangement ( a few years ago) and I didn't want to lose another- but then he probably knows that so this feels worse. I did invite them for Christmas about a month ago, but they never confirmed and I realise they probably get power from not saying. I'm now not sure how to proceed. I've not bought any gifts, but if they do turn up that would feel awful not to have any. If I do buy them they could get wasted (and I don't even know what they might like) Does any one have any advice or pearls of wisdom?

Madgran77 Sun 29-Nov-20 20:40:06

Lavazzslt why are other people dictating tour choices for you in your life and your home?
Chewbacca puts it perfectly:

Stop pandering to relatives who apparently don't have any one but their own interests at heart, and do what YOU want to do. Now is the time to put your big girl pants on and start taking back some control of your life, home and Christmas. Good luck.

Jaxjacky Sun 29-Nov-20 20:51:41

I’d just say you and your immediate family are having Christmas Day on your own, if others wish to visit on Boxing Day, that’s fine, but between the hours of x and x when they would be welcome to a cup of tea and mince pie. Be prepared to turn them away firmly if they turn up unexpectedly.

MawBe Sun 29-Nov-20 21:21:59

@Lavazza, I haven’t read all the replies but there are restrictions on who you can have at Christmas - THREE households so I suggest you send a message:email/text as appropriate simply saying that because of the regulations you need to know if they want to com to you and set an RVP deadline (soon) do that you can

MawBe Sun 29-Nov-20 21:26:00

Oops
Plan accordingly. Keep it brief and businesslike and stick to it. Do not get involved in any personal discussions, if they want to play it cool, let them.
Then move on - have the Christmas YOU want and don’t be emotionally blackmailed into pandering to them.
(Is this the son with the Chinese wife?)

MawBe Sun 29-Nov-20 21:28:49

PS time slots for different groups is BREACHING the regulations -don’t go there.
And as for whether or not you are “allowed” to FaceTime anybody in your own hone - I am speechless!

Lavazza1st Mon 30-Nov-20 16:08:54

@MawBe I am not sure how many groups we are allowed to see but my parent is in our bubble already as we see them a lot, the only other group would be our son, his wife and child. We were not planning on seeing anyone else. Is that not ok?

MawBe Mon 30-Nov-20 16:48:41

My apologies, I thought there was another parent but I suppose that would still only be 3 households.

Lavazza1st Mon 30-Nov-20 18:27:55

@MawBe Just one parent plus my son and his wife and child (if they will even come) but I have got pretty upset because my elderly parent refuses to be in the same room as my son and family due to covid. I have offered alternatives such as delivering Christmas dinner so they can stay safe at home or splitting the day in two. Not really happy with either as it's going to make more work for us, but willing to compromise to keep people safe in the time of covid.

The other reason I feel it would be good to have elderly parent there for less time is that I can't video chat with my other parent if they are there due to extreme jealousy and bad feeling between the two (divorced parents)