Great. At least it all becomes clear.

Lavvalast you have done everything you can. I think taking your DILS needs into account is right and kind and not atall disloyal. She appears to be in an abusive relationship and therefore may feel unable to just deal with this issue because of the resulting abuse from her partner. I know how hard this must be as her partner is your son, but his abusive behaviour towards you as well suggests she is having a nightmare time . She is lucky to have a caring MIL! You are right to put the ball in their court and right to provide support, where you can, for your DIL.

Could you not leave them on their doorstep late one evening

Very well put toadinthehole.

Thanks Madgran77

Dottynan thanks but they have a security entry system, so I cant get near their front door. Also I shouldnt have to lug those heavy things up. Its up to him.

Please don't feel disloyal at all.
Your son's MH doesn't give him the right to treat people badly.
He has created an unpleasant situation and you are dealing with it as well as you can.

@FarNorth Yes, that's true. Actually, today I was looking back at old photos and he seemed so happy with us, yet after I let him and his wife move in temporarily, he started cutting me out and being nasty.

I suppose I have always made excuses for him. In fact it wasn't even him who told me the baby was even born- it was DiL the day after the event! Old news now, but I can only see with hindsight what I missed before. My youngest says he doesn't think his brother will speak to me ever again. I think maybe he knows something I don't.

Forget the parcels for a start, you told him, once was enough, he doesn't want them, move them out of sight. Just send cards to everyone as normal, it's not you falling out. He's made his life as he wants it, as parents you want to be be included but unfortunately from experience I know lots of us aren't.

Why Couldn’t your other son deliver them ?

If your son has mental health and drug problems then he will not be thinking in any way like we all are he will possibly be seeing things in a vastly different way He may even be thinking it’s all a trap to get him to the house or he may be thinking he has made a mistake and can’t bear to be seen as making a mistake
If you haven’t another family member who could help please do not give the parcels away or destroy them or send them back that would be another nail for him just put them in a spare room under a bed or in a cupboard and forget about them
If I was you and you ever have to contact him in future I would send the same text to both husband and wife so they both know the same information at the same time

If he is mentally ill, on drugs and she’s mentally abused by him is the grand child safe ??