Pig in the middle- Easter weekend.

Yes mention it. Transparency is important in relationships- whoever they are. Secrets destroy people.

Has your D asked you not to tell your son she's seeing you over Easter keepingquiet?

I don't regard you not telling your son prior to the visit as covering anything up, or being underhand especially as you only have contact with your son via texts and the occasional 'phone call, and you're not "allowed to go to his home anymore".

I totally understand that being "all but estranged" you're worried about doing anything that may damage your already fragile relationship with your son. That said it's not good for you to play his game especially as it could have negative repercussions on your relationship with your D.

In your position I wouldn't mention it to your son. It has nothing to do with him what you may or may not be doing over Easter; it's not as if there's a possibility that you'll be invited there. You can always mention it casually after the event.

You need to try and release yourself from the 'control' he has over your life and ask yourself if in the long term, if your relationship with him as it currently stands, is realistically sustainable and healthy, if nothing improves.

Just to pick up on Polarbear's reply, I certainly don't regard your not telling your son about all of your social interactions as keeping secrets, regardless of who they are with.

He is keeping you at a distance and has treated his sister in such a way as to getting her to the point where she wants no contact with him.

This situation is of his making and the consequences, whether he likes them or not are are a result of how he behaves.

I would tell him. It's not underhand whatever you do though, as he has chosen to tell you that you cannot come into his house. He cannot expect you not to see your daughter, he has made his decision.

If he asked the question, “What are you doing at Easter?” or “Did you have a nice Easter?” I’d answer honestly, not cover anything up. But I wouldn’t volunteer the formation.

The trouble is when stuff like this happens people view everything through their own agenda. So an innocent remark “Your sister is coming for Easter” gets loaded into “She just can’t stop having a go at me because we’re not going for Easter. Of courseMiss Goody Two Shoes would be there. Probably talking about us. Huh!”

I know that sounds silly but it’s how people twist things in circumstances like this. I agree with Smileless about releasing his control over your life. How you spend Easter is up to you.

I don't think there is anything to gain by deliberately telling your son your plans. It's almost as if you are seeking his permission. If your relationship is not close, why would you bother? I'm not saying your daughter's visit has to be kept a secret but don't go out of your way to tell him.

I can't see why you feel the need to inform your son of your daughter's visit. As he appears to have chosen to distance himself from his family why should it matter if he does learn of his sister's visit from family and friends? Don't join in their games.

I’m not sure how you would tell your almost estranged son without it causing problems.
Is your daughter worried that he might call round and cause her more upset, which would definitely spoil their visit.
If he decided to make one of his odd phone calls, or send an unexpected text I’d probably mention it. Maybe if you’re expecting a visit from him, or inviting him at a different time, you might tell, but otherwise I’d just mention her visit afterwards if you feel you must.
You’re not ‘allowed’ to go to his house. You don’t want to be in the same situation with your daughter.

I agree with those saying not to mention it unless it comes up naturally in conversation.

It's not worth trying to fit in with your son's possible wishes, as you don't know what they are and it's none of his business who you see anyway.

I can only assume that maybe your son and his partner have created this family break up. Were you banned from visiting their house before Covid is it a long standing situation?

You are not allowed to visit your son anymore they have set boundaries for themselves that’s their own doing. They are not your jailers they can’t dictate who you have in your home.

They have chosen to separate themselves from family. If your son does text or ring and asks questions can’t you just be straight with him? Tell him his sister is visiting and he is more than welcome to drop by even it’s at the gate. That way you are being up front and giving him the opportunity to make an effort. You can’t spend the rest of your life living in fear of upsetting someone’s feelings who quite frankly don’t appear to care about yours.?

If it was me I wouldn't tell your son. You say you are albet estranged from your son. Why would you want to jepardise the relationship with your daughter especially as you are bubbled with your daughter and family.

If you tell your son you run the risk of losing your daughter. Do you want to lose your daughter and her family?

You could end up.with neither child. Is that something you could live with.

My son decided last May he wants nothing to do with me.

I would not put at risk my relationship with my daughter and family for anyone.

My son and 3 grandson's are lost to me he's choice . He not only cut me out of his life but all our side of the family.

Do no risk what you have got. Treasure your daughter and family.

Polarbear2

Yes mention it. Transparency is important in relationships- whoever they are. Secrets destroy people.

This is my gut feeling Polarbear2. My son and his partner have told so many lies and been so underhand I think now I will always choose transparency.
I will tell my daughter too- she shouldn't have her feelings protected by me either.

I am releasing the control my son appears to have had over my life, but neither will I take sides. My daughter cannot control me either- her relationship with her brother is hers- my relationship with them both is mine.

My son doesn't expect me not to see his sister, this isn't and shouldn't be an either or situation. The only person who will twist this situation is his partner, and I have minimal contact with her. My children don't get on but they are not vindictive towards each other- they just don't get involved in each other's lives due to things that happened in the past. I thought losing their father would have brought them together but it hasn't worked that way.
My daughter and I are very close and there is no way she would distance herself from me due to her brother's behaviour. I will be clear with her too.
It is highly unlikely my son would visit, but if he did want to meet up I would say under the current circumstances it wouldn't be a good idea.
So thanks for your replies, it is clear to me now that I should tell them both, but that it wouldn't be a good time for a meet-up. I think they will both respect my wishes and I'll feel easier and hopefully enjoy the weekend as much as possible.

It’s tough isn’t it keepingquiet? I’ve been piggy in the middle for years. My middle son and daughter just don’t get on ...they don’t like each other. His wife detests my daughter. I have been invited over to this son’s for Easter Lunch. He asked me first. Then daughter asks if I am going to hers for Easter. I said “S has already asked me and I’ve agreed to go there”. She is not a happy bunny......I haven’t seen or heard from her since. I’m just going to lie low till Easter has passed and I’ll wait to see what mood she’s in. ?

I hope they will both respect your wishes keepingquiet and that you'll have an enjoyable Easter with your D.

Oh dear crazy, they don't make life easy do they. I think some of our AC have a lot of growing up to do.

Sorry I wrote my reply quickly. I do agree that to only mention it if he asks. It sounds like you’re unlikely to hear from him anyway. It’s not a big deal. Be natural and casual. Don’t allow a drama. Good luck. ?

I feel for all those gran parents out there who are estranged from families it’s sad look after yourselves whatever you do?

If he asks what you did Easter, I would tell him, otherwise don't play his games, he has all but cut you off. Is he interested you might not be seeing anyone Easter? Is he concerned you were on your own through lockdown? I would not jeopardise my relationship with your daughter. They gradually ease you out of lives with complete indifference. Let him get in with it keep your dignity.