Son and DIL won't see me any more

I see one child, the daughter, being the 'golden child' and your son being the scapegoat. Sorry but that is really not acceptable. You have gone along with it for a quiet life, the fact that your daughter is academically gifted should not give her the right to run your life;again it's the path of the least resistance for you. BTW I understand about coercive control, but you have come here for advice and have insight for that. why no insight into the poor treatment of your son?

I agree with posters who say OP should leave her son alone. I am not buying into all she was coerced, poster stated her in laws were trouble makers and she did not see them so she is capable of making her own decisions.
She stood back and did nothing when the husband and daughter were bad mouthing the son and dil.
Your posts are about you and how you feel, and your defence of your spiteful manipulative daughter are sickening.
Let your son be, you have probably done considerable damage to him by now. I know I felt badly and still do about my parents and sister.
It's not about you now and how you feel, it is what is best for your son.

I think that if one understood the level of what coercive control does to someone it would be more possible to find sympathy at the mess she finds herself in. It is not about "innocence"!

I am conscious that this discussion about the OPs life and situation is not helpful to her and is becoming too potentially personal to her, so will stop commenting now.

But I do suggest that looking at the potential IMPACT of coercive control on people's behaviours might be informative.

I noticed that, in your second post, you wrote that your husband and daughter gave your son some money, after your daughter had received yet more money to purchase her second home.

Was it really theirs to give? You told us that you were left that money by your late parents and, yet, you do not seem to have been involved in how it was spent.

She’s explained the situation very clearly so she has enough insight for that - at some point she’s accepted the situation because she thinks it works for her. It feels deliberately naive and yes, I struggle to find sympathy.

I agree her daughter and husband are controlling and abusive. But the OP is abusive as well. The actions of others do not make her innocent. And the fact she is failing to see through the actual issues show that right now her son should not be subjected to more abuse.

Bibbity I am not saying her actions are "innocent".

I am saying the actions and her thinking now are the result of coercive control. Do you know the level of impact that coercive control can have on someone? They really really can't see that they are not thinking for themselves. The coercive controller being present or not makes no difference to their thinking and what they might say ...they are driven to follow through with the thinking imposed on them by the coercive controller.

Their behaviour may well be "enabling" but that is the coercive controller driving that!

I DO agree that the son and DIL appear to have behaved with some integrity. I am not surprised that they do not want to maintain contact in these circumstances but just telling the OP it is "her fault", "she is an abuser", and "enabler", "went along with it for an easy life" without acknowledging the level of what has clearly happened to her is not helpful to her or anyone else.

Asdf PLEASE please consider the coercive control aspect of this and please get some independent financial advice

Your DD has been to uni and got a doctorate! Yet she cries when you tried to talk to her. What nonsense on her part. She's a grown woman.

How did you know that your son and his family didn't want you hanging around? They might have wanted some help.

Filling in forms is not difficult - how many do you have to complete? Perhaps a tax return . Most of us go through life not having to fill in forms all the time.

I think you should see a therapist before you try to resolve things with your DS because you might just say/think the wrong things.

That is harsh and not at all helpful,

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You really need to talk in confidence to someone.

Or you might consider contacting Citizens Advice who can offer you advice and practical assistance.

Hopefully after reading all the replies, the OP will take a step back and look at her daughter's behaviour with new eyes. Not one person who has replied thinks that her daughter has behaved with any decency. She is a manipulator, just like her father. The OPs further posts attempt to make excuses for her daughters behaviour, so it is obviously difficult for her to see what has been happening. As others have said, she really needs to speak to a solicitor or financial advisor to get them to explain exactly what she has agreed to regarding her financial dealings. I also fear that the daughter has her eye on gaining a Power of Attorney over her mother's affairs.

The worst abusers are the enablers, who stay aside while they let the abuse happen and they label themselves as victims

My ds and Dil have told me they have had enough money and don't want any more from me as they say it's not worth the misery it has caused. My DS said to write him out of my will as he believes my DD will back off then and let me get my with my life

So your son does care about you Asdf !

I think y6ou should get independent financial advice, WITHOUT your daughters involvement. The potential for financially abusing you in this scenario is massive and to be honest they way you have described your daughters behaviour re your finances just rings alarm bells to me.

No. The Op has been abusive to her son. She sat by when her son was abused. That makes her culpable.

She sat there and called them liars when her husband and daughter weren’t there.

She is not innocent here. Only the son and DIL.

Bibbity : You are the abuser

Not helpful in the circumstances Bibbity when it is patently obvious, as Smileless and others have identified that the OP has been in a coercively controlled manipulative relationship with the husband and daughter for years and therefore will be seriously struggling to see the reality ...coercive control is powerful and insidious!

Some people look at their closest family and see nothing except a coffin and a will. Sad.

Asdf, your will at this time leaves 50/50. but I have serious concerns re the past manipulation you've been subjected to and appear only now to be recognising. Your original post - you ignored things for the easy life, you went along with things rather than ruffle feathers. You allowed your husband to treat your brother, who you say has mental issues, appallingly within your home and his own home, and said nothing. You tried to talk to your daughter about issues and she burst into tears.

What happens if (when) your daughter feels you are unable to control your finances and suggests she take over? You were willing for her to take on the duties on settling your late husbands affairs and honestly that should have been your job - she cut your son out of the decision making. What happens if you (God forbid) fall ill and your daughter suggests she take on Power of Attorney? Can you say hand on heart your daughter has your best interests at heart, the daughter that treated you so badly as a teenager, who conspired with your husband in the purchase of - what is it now - 3 homes? Who ran tales on you in your dealings with your brother? Who has told what you believe to be lies about your sons wife? It's lovely now that you have a good relationship but I see so much manipulation from the past - I can't believe she went to counselling sessions with you - what is that about? There is something seriously not right here.

Please check through other replies on here and listen to your own heart. Maybe as a first step talk to a financial advisor or solicitor who you find on your own, no going to your children, and talk through your concerns. They are professionals and I bet they've heard all sorts over the years. You may be caught up with your daughter through the week, but you simply must find time over a weekend for a lunch (if allowed with Covid) or a walk with your son. Your daughter may be a single parent but you've said your son has a medical condition - her needs shouldn't outweigh his.

A counsellor must be independent, not a friend of your daughter, (or of you,).
That means any concerns can be dealt with in confidence and privately and to formulate ways to to make changes and hopefully improve whatever is going on.

While you are so enmeshed with your daughter you have no hope of a good relationship with your son and his family.

You can’t have both.

Either back off from your daughter and live independently. Or keep things how they are and leave your son alone.

OP

Do you consider yourself an independent person from your daughter?
Everything you do/did is associated with her.

Btw, you look for your OWN therapist, you dont need your daughter for that.
Becoming friends with your therapist? That is not ethical.
Your therapist has ties to you (friend of your daughter's)? Not ethical either but does not surprise me, given the denial amd lack of progress you display

Given the malicious nature of your daughter, nothing good can come out of it.

The more you update, the worse it gets.
Your poor son and dil

sore — sorry

I would work out how much money your daughter has had given to her over the years. Then I’d sort my Will accordingly so that your son gets an equivalent amount with the remaining balance being divided 50/50.
Or can you give this sum to your son now. Your daughter isn’t likely to be happy about it. But so be it, surely she cannot deny that it is fair.

If you cannot deal with any fall out from your daughter just change your Will and don’t tell her. Or would not telling her be too sneaky .....
I just feel so sore for your son.

Have you actually looked at the financial documents for the things your daughter has been managing or have you just taken her word for what she says she has done?

Would you let an independent financial advisor take a look at everything? I am very concerned for you.

I am pretty sure that the next suggestion will be that you make over your house to your daughter to stop your DIL getting anything. That’s if you haven’t already done that without realising.

I wish you could see who it is that is greedy and manipulative. It isn’t your son and his wife.