Gransnet forums


Son and DIL won't see me any more

(133 Posts)
Asdf Tue 06-Apr-21 12:12:07

I am new here, I'd appreciate some honesty but it may take a long post to explain.

My late dh was abused by his parents his father died and his mother was an awful trouble maker. He prioritised her over our family because he felt that his mother would leave him more of her estate than his sister. This was his life and he was at his mother's house at every opportunity me and our children came very far down his list of priorities.

His mother was so horrid I soon couldn't bring myself to visit her and our children very rarely visited her. I never spoke to her for over 30 years and when she died she left her estate 50/50 between my DH and his sister.

During the time bringing up our DC my parents died quite young within a few years of eachother. My brother was quite young at the time and it hit him bad. We got 50/50 of their estate and my young brother bought a house but also squandered quite a bit. He has mental health problems.

My DH over the years was very nasty about my brother and although it upset me I ignored it. When my brother visited with his wife my DH was brilliant with his children and lovely to his wife but rude and surly to my brother. He would do this if he went to my brother's house too. I ignored it nobody mentioned it, it was just accepted.

My husband was very close with my DD and he would often warn her about my brother as she was growing up telling her how he was interested in stealing our money and getting his hands on our house. He would tell her I couldn't be trusted not to give everything to my brother and eventually she knew more of our finances than I did. The two of them had secrets about our money and she grew very resentful of my brother. She also used to report anything she thought I'd done wrong to my husband and we would argue. She spent most of her teens and adulthood speaking very rudely to me. Again I just ignored it.

My DH had an idea that we would use the money from my parents estate to buy a house that my dd and ds could live in together. My dd was made aware of this and my ds wasn't.

When my ds was in his very early 20s he met his future wife. She was very nice and you could tell it was going to be a serious relationship. From the beginning my dd said things about this girl that I knew were not true, they were very nasty and unkind and I wasn't sure they were even true. My DH believed it all and was surly and rude to the girl when she came to visit. My DH and dd would say my ds had been disloyal and was choosing his new gf over his family. They would say my son's gf had it in for my dd and my dh became over concerned about what would happen to our house and money if we died and ds had a gf. They decided ds couldn't be trusted. I ignored everything, sometimes I'd stick up for my son and his gf because they really did nothing wrong but I'd be shouted down.

After about two years of this my dh and dd decided between them to give all of the money we kept from my parents estate to dd to buy a three bedroom house. She had just met a new man and they were planning to marry. He had a good job that paid well so it seemed like a good idea. My dh said we only had enough money to help one child and could make it up later. I agreed.

Shortly after my ds and his gf announced they were expecting a baby. When my gc was born my son and his gf came to live with us as they couldn't afford to rent privately any more. I got to spend so much precious time with the new baby and my son and his gf were no problem at all. My dh wasn't happy he said terrible things about my son's gf and made nasty comments about their parenting. My dh and dd raised concerns that my son and his gf would get their hands on the deeds to the house and that they would refuse to move out. I ignored this and because my ds and his gf never mentioned it, it wasn't an issue.

When they did move out after 11 weeks my DH cleared everything of my ds out if the house and made sure nothing of his remained. My dd's bedroom has looked the same since she was a teen and still does now.
My dd married then after a year split with her husband. He did very well and walked away with the house so we helped my dd into another house, this time a 2 bed.

When my son announced his wedding my dh said "Don't do it" instead of congratulations. He didn't say one word to the bride and groom the whole day and my dd disappeared somewhere for hours leaving us worried about her. I didn't feel comfortable to display photographs of the wedding because I knew my DH wouldn't like it. Dh also was devastated when they announced the pregnancy of the second child shortly after the wedding. DH always complained about Dil and how she parented GC. I had no problem with it they are very well behaved children and a pleasure to have around.

Dd went on to have a child with a new partner but the relationship failed and I took on full time care if the child while dd was at work. This left me with far less time to see ds and his family. He and dd had not spoken properly since we helped dd into her first house. I think he was slightly jealous because he had lots of housing issues. When DH went to hospital and knew he would die, he worried dd ex would get her house so he gave her money to help buy another house and also he worried about ds and Dil as he thought they would try to take my house and money so he asked dd to move in with me.

When DH passed away me and dd became very close we live between both of our houses. DH will named me and our two DC as executors and me as sole beneficiary. Dd sorted everything she was very good she also took charge of my house and finances throwing things out and making decisions. She didn't want to involve ds due to concerns she and my DH had over their potential behaviour where our house and money was concerned. I went along with it.
I saw my ds once a week for a couple of hours but I was exhausted

One day my ds and Dil sat me down and told me what I already knew had gone on through out the years. I didn't know what to say so I denied it. My Dil said some not very nice things about my ds and my dh and my son mentioned issues around the house and money it made me think DH and dd had been right all along. I defended my DD and I made excuses because I wanted to keep the peace.

I haven't seen them since and I miss them terribly. My DD says she is sad because she had a brother and doesn't anymore although she believes this was Dil plan all along. I agree to her face but I'm not sure I'm confused, hurt and I just don't know what to do. I haven't told any of my friends or my brother that this has gone on over the years I pretend it's all ok.
Sorry for long post

HomeAgain123 Tue 06-Apr-21 12:24:27

im sorry but found this quite difficult to read initially i thought your daughter and husband sounded very controlling and obsessed with money and your son and his family receiving nothing from you or your husband . I can only suggest talking to someone maybe your sister in law/ brother who may be able to help you see through this fog.

Peasblossom Tue 06-Apr-21 12:27:33

It does sound a muddle.

My immediate reaction is do you know what you daughter has done in regard to your house and finances? You say she has taken charge. Have you signed things without really knowing what you have signed?

Do you really know where you stand now?

silverlining48 Tue 06-Apr-21 12:46:17

I can understand why your son is upset. You stood up for your daughter who has been given money for different houses and despite there being 3 executors to your dh Will she still dealt solely with it. Was your son consulted about this? Did he receive his share of the estate?
You can’t please everybody by agreeing with them all. It just makes things worse and I hope you can get this sorted out.

Asdf Tue 06-Apr-21 13:16:30

@HomeAgain123 I couldn't speak to them they've enough going on in their lives I've never told them but I think my dd told my sil about my ds and Dil but I was in the other room so didn't really hear.

@peasblossom my DD is s very good at sorting things out she always knew more about our money than me so it was best she deal with it. My DS thinks she is greedy but she runs everything she has done by me so I'm aware she would just prefer me not to tell DS and as he never asked me about DH will even though he was an executor it wasn't an issue. I didn't want to cause arguments.

@silverlining48 we helped my dd with the money for the houses whilst my DH was still alive. After the second house my DH and dd gave my son some money yet he still was upset and claimed to have been lied to for years. He said that bothers him not money but if that were true he would've put the past behind him.

I am sole beneficiary of the will so kids only get something when I'm gone although I did let dd keep DH car because I can't drive

Hithere Tue 06-Apr-21 13:22:06

Let's see if I read it properly:
1. Your husband was a bully and abusive all his life
2. He and you clearly favoured your daughter since the beginning
3. You clearly did not defend your son when he was attacked by your husband and daughter and did not stand up for him
4. Your two kids were named executors when their father died but your son was excluded, you leaving that role happily into your daughter's hands
5. You DENIED past events because you didnt know what to say to your son and dil and they were trying to talk about it and clear the air

And you are surprised they dont talk to you?

silverlining48 Tue 06-Apr-21 13:38:09

Asdf why not read your post again, but from your sons point of view. You may then better understand how he might feel.

Redhead56 Tue 06-Apr-21 13:40:55

It sounds as if your husband put money before his family. Your daughter appears to take after him. Was your daughter given money while your son wasn't?

Your daughter is in control of your finances now you need to take charge of this yourself.

Your son is upset you really do need to talk to him and get the conversation about finances out in the open.

You have a brother and friends talk to them. Stop pretending all is well when clearly it isn't you will make yourself ill if you haven't already. It's probably best to talk just about your current financial situation. They may help you clarify the information you get when you take charge of your own finances.

I hope you sort it out sooner rather than later and your relationship with your son.

M0nica Tue 06-Apr-21 13:45:07

You do sound like the author of a lot of your disasters.

You have got into the habit of classing yourself as helpless and hopeless and shoving all the blame on others. It is time to give yourself a good shake and a firm talking to and then face up to life and deal with it.

Curlywhirly Tue 06-Apr-21 13:48:34


Let's see if I read it properly:
1. Your husband was a bully and abusive all his life
2. He and you clearly favoured your daughter since the beginning
3. You clearly did not defend your son when he was attacked by your husband and daughter and did not stand up for him
4. Your two kids were named executors when their father died but your son was excluded, you leaving that role happily into your daughter's hands
5. You DENIED past events because you didnt know what to say to your son and dil and they were trying to talk about it and clear the air

And you are surprised they dont talk to you?

I couldn't agree more with your post Hithere. From what the OP has written, it appears that her husband and daughter were bullying her son and it does sound like the poor man has had no one to support him. I am also not surprised that he and his wife have decided to cut themselves off- there's only so much rejection that a person can cope with. In my opinion, the OPs son has been treated very unfairly and I hope that the OP does all she can to ensure that on her death her estate is divided 50/50 between her children, and she is strong enough to resist any attempt by her daughter to change her Will.

silverlining48 Tue 06-Apr-21 13:52:09

It sounds like your dh and dd have bullied you over the years which does affect self confidence. I am sorry if this is the case because it will make it difficult to stand up fir yourself and your son but do try.

silverlining48 Tue 06-Apr-21 13:53:05

Crossed posts

Namsnanny Tue 06-Apr-21 13:53:23

I've been in the position your son is in Asdf, and I can tell you it hurts.
His behaviour has ALWAYS been seen as suspect, so in the end he cant do right from wrong.
You have been gaslighted for many a long year.

Hithere has listed coldly but objectively what has happened.

I feel sorry for you,flowers
But wake up please, your son needs your love and validation!

Smileless2012 Tue 06-Apr-21 13:55:44

It looks to me as if you have been the victim of a controlling and manipulative husband and daughter Asdf. It's impossible I'm sure how anyone who has not been in this type of marital relationship, can comprehend how you could have been controlled and manipulated to the extent you have been, and for so long. I include myself.

Your husband with your D making decisions about yours and your H's joint finances including your inheritance from your own parents. Your D knowing more about your financial position while your H was alive than you did; I could go on.

In my honest opinion you have been indoctrinated for years about being unable to trust your son and then his GF who later became his wife. So much so that sadly you are now unable to see that your son is right to be aggrieved as he is right to be unable as you say "to put the past behind him".

As I have already said, I believe you to have been and still be a victim and your son is a victim too. You are allowing this cycle of abuse to continue by allowing your D to take over from your H in controlling your finances, and excusing this 'decision' by saying she is better at it than you.

You are clearly in denial of what has happened in the past and I think you should consider therapy or counselling to enable you to come to terms with your own past and your son's.

I hope in time you'll be able to look back and see the past with a clarity that you don't appear to have at the moment. You may then be able to see how present circumstances have come about and your role in that path, which I believe to a great extent was due to the fact that you were a victim too.

If you wish to find a way forward with your son, you must begin with recognising that the way things were then, and are now, is far from OK.

I wish you well.

To keep the peace and/or in the knowledge that any dissent would be shouted down you 'learned' for the most part to ignore what was being done to you and your son.

EllanVannin Tue 06-Apr-21 14:04:52

How sad that it's all about money ! The root of all evil.

Bibbity Tue 06-Apr-21 14:14:37

You don’t get to play the passive nobody here. Your daughter and husband sound utterly vile. And you are just as guilty. Why would they want anything to do with you after what you all put them through?
So you can inflict the same upon their children?

Cherrytree59 Tue 06-Apr-21 14:28:00

Print off your post and show it to your son.
Apologies profoundly from the bottom of your heart.
Then ask HIM how he wants to move forward.

Regarding your daughter, I would also take your rose colour glasses off and try to be more objective.

As for yourself as others have ready said stop portraying yourself as helpless, you are quite capable of getting your thoughts in order and writing them down succinctly .
It is obvious that you can use the internet, so should be quite capable of getting your affairs in order.

Good luck shamrock

Lolo81 Tue 06-Apr-21 14:51:02

Whilst I do feel for you OP, this is very much a case of reaping what you sow. Even if the financial favouritism wasn’t so obvious, the emotional favouritism is blatantly obvious. You openly admit to prioritising DD’s child - and not spending as much time with DS due to her having a baby. You don’t display their wedding pictures. And when DS finally spoke to you about these and the financial issues, your reaction was to call them liars.

How do you expect DS and his wife to deal with all this? What would be a reasonable, healthy adult reaction?

As to the conclusion from DD that this was DIL’s plan? How on earth could she have planned this?

You have been financially controlled OP, I’d urge you to have an independent third party have a look over your estate to ensure you understand what you have and to help with any planning around inheritance.

Regarding your DS, in your shoes I’d write a list - every time you’ve treated him differently than his sister, financially and emotionally. Maybe then email and take accountability to for each and every thing you’ve thought of. That’s not to say it’s all your fault, it’s not at all - but you chose in each of these moments to stay quiet and accept the decisions being made which were unfair to your son, that makes you equally at fault as your DH and DD.

Reading a lot of these threads from both perspectives (the parents and adult children estranging), a common theme from the children is that they feel their parents give a “blanket apology” which doesn’t actually indicate any accountability for what’s been done. So maybe by recognising where you’ve gone wrong might give you a start in regaining contact?

NotSpaghetti Tue 06-Apr-21 14:51:41

What a mess. You have gone along with your (greedy) husband and daughter - probably because this was the easiest thing to do.

I do feel sorry for you BUT it is up to you to apologise and be honest now with your son and daughter in law.

Take control of your finances and make a new will.

Good luck. You can be strong.

rafichagran Tue 06-Apr-21 15:20:16

My sympathies to your son. I am afraid your husband and daughter are/were bullies.
I am afraid I have no sympathy for you either OP, you took the easy way out and chose to ignore what was going on.
I can understand why your son ignores you, I would have nothing to do with you either. I say this as someone who has been through what your son has.
Sorry to be so blunt but shame on you. This post has made me very angry and has bought back unpleasant memories.

DiscoDancer1975 Tue 06-Apr-21 15:46:04

You say at the end of your post, that maybe your daughter and husband had been right all along...but they were plotting and scheming before your son and his wife got together...weren’t they?
I think you need to talk it through with your son and DIL too. Your husband obviously had his reasons for being so unpleasant. It’s a pity he dragged your daughter down with him, but I think your son is the loser here.
Please try to salvage this before it’s too late. It sounds like good grounds for your DIL to walk away, and I wouldn’t blame her.

Asdf Tue 06-Apr-21 16:04:13

Thank you all for your responses I do need to apologise to my son because I can see how he may have thought he wasn't being treated fairly. My dh used to say I favoured him and left my dd out. I didn't think I did.

My DD isn't greedy she knows how to deal with things like all the forms you have to fill in because she's been to university and has a doctorate. She doesn't take from me we live half the week in my house and half the week in hers and we go halves on everything I look after her child while she's at work and the child's father collects the child every evening. I do this to help her as she is a single mum, my son has his own little family they don't want me hanging around. My dd was very close to her dad and when he was I'll in hospital she took time off work and sat with him 24/7. My dh asked for her help in making sure the house and money didn't get into the wrong hands after he died.

My dd and ds were very close before he met my dil, he had other not so serious gf's and this didn't happen. Their birthday is on the same day but different years. DD is older and felt ds had stolen her special day when he was born.
They used to socialise together and were more like friends we thought they'd live together this changed when he met Dil.

My Dil has no family of her own her parents abused drugs and she hasn't seen them in more than 20 years. My dh used to describe her as "fiercely independent" My dd feels that this is why it was her plan to destroy things for ds with his family. My dh used to always say that it wasn't your dc you need to worry about but who is whispering in their ear.

My dh and dd have been very concerned about the house and the will but that's because they didn't want my son to allow someone to come in and take what's for him and his children. It hasn't turned out for the best and I do need to say sorry to my son for how things have become

Asdf Tue 06-Apr-21 16:14:18

Just to add, before they stopped talking to me my Dil suggested I talk to my dd and ask her about things. I did try to but my DD started to cry and said she used to have a brother and now he's gone. She was very upset so I left it

LondonMzFitz Tue 06-Apr-21 16:25:04

I'd stop with the "DH" personally, how anyone could refer to what seems to be a bitter, twisted, opinionated man as a DH baffles me.

I'm going to stick a little seed in here, and lets see if it bears fruit. Your DD has transferred her affections from her DF who clearly held the purse strings to you. You spend all your time with your daughter and none with your son.

You are being manipulated.

You have been manipulated for far too long.

You have "let things go" without fighting back for your other child. You will be manipulated for the rest of your life, your son will get nothing, your daughter will have everything and I'm guessing if there are future partners in her future they will get a fair proportion too. If you are happy with this then do nothing. However - and I'm guessing as you have posted you aren't happy with this situation, - you need to step up and take charge. Stop now with this and look at both your children and their needs. You have two children, one has made out like a bandit and one has been clearly passed over time and time again. His choice of partner - get your "DH" and "DD" voices out of your head, you make own decision about her finally! She's seen her partner treated like this, it would take a saint not to say "Whoa, lady, you have two children here, not just the one".

Your poor son!

Bibbity Tue 06-Apr-21 16:31:11

You are still going on about how his wife is some evil that must be defended against.

You are the abuser.
So why should he want a relationship until you are willing to change your views?