I am new here, I'd appreciate some honesty but it may take a long post to explain.
My late dh was abused by his parents his father died and his mother was an awful trouble maker. He prioritised her over our family because he felt that his mother would leave him more of her estate than his sister. This was his life and he was at his mother's house at every opportunity me and our children came very far down his list of priorities.
His mother was so horrid I soon couldn't bring myself to visit her and our children very rarely visited her. I never spoke to her for over 30 years and when she died she left her estate 50/50 between my DH and his sister.
During the time bringing up our DC my parents died quite young within a few years of eachother. My brother was quite young at the time and it hit him bad. We got 50/50 of their estate and my young brother bought a house but also squandered quite a bit. He has mental health problems.
My DH over the years was very nasty about my brother and although it upset me I ignored it. When my brother visited with his wife my DH was brilliant with his children and lovely to his wife but rude and surly to my brother. He would do this if he went to my brother's house too. I ignored it nobody mentioned it, it was just accepted.
My husband was very close with my DD and he would often warn her about my brother as she was growing up telling her how he was interested in stealing our money and getting his hands on our house. He would tell her I couldn't be trusted not to give everything to my brother and eventually she knew more of our finances than I did. The two of them had secrets about our money and she grew very resentful of my brother. She also used to report anything she thought I'd done wrong to my husband and we would argue. She spent most of her teens and adulthood speaking very rudely to me. Again I just ignored it.
My DH had an idea that we would use the money from my parents estate to buy a house that my dd and ds could live in together. My dd was made aware of this and my ds wasn't.
When my ds was in his very early 20s he met his future wife. She was very nice and you could tell it was going to be a serious relationship. From the beginning my dd said things about this girl that I knew were not true, they were very nasty and unkind and I wasn't sure they were even true. My DH believed it all and was surly and rude to the girl when she came to visit. My DH and dd would say my ds had been disloyal and was choosing his new gf over his family. They would say my son's gf had it in for my dd and my dh became over concerned about what would happen to our house and money if we died and ds had a gf. They decided ds couldn't be trusted. I ignored everything, sometimes I'd stick up for my son and his gf because they really did nothing wrong but I'd be shouted down.
After about two years of this my dh and dd decided between them to give all of the money we kept from my parents estate to dd to buy a three bedroom house. She had just met a new man and they were planning to marry. He had a good job that paid well so it seemed like a good idea. My dh said we only had enough money to help one child and could make it up later. I agreed.
Shortly after my ds and his gf announced they were expecting a baby. When my gc was born my son and his gf came to live with us as they couldn't afford to rent privately any more. I got to spend so much precious time with the new baby and my son and his gf were no problem at all. My dh wasn't happy he said terrible things about my son's gf and made nasty comments about their parenting. My dh and dd raised concerns that my son and his gf would get their hands on the deeds to the house and that they would refuse to move out. I ignored this and because my ds and his gf never mentioned it, it wasn't an issue.
When they did move out after 11 weeks my DH cleared everything of my ds out if the house and made sure nothing of his remained. My dd's bedroom has looked the same since she was a teen and still does now.
My dd married then after a year split with her husband. He did very well and walked away with the house so we helped my dd into another house, this time a 2 bed.
When my son announced his wedding my dh said "Don't do it" instead of congratulations. He didn't say one word to the bride and groom the whole day and my dd disappeared somewhere for hours leaving us worried about her. I didn't feel comfortable to display photographs of the wedding because I knew my DH wouldn't like it. Dh also was devastated when they announced the pregnancy of the second child shortly after the wedding. DH always complained about Dil and how she parented GC. I had no problem with it they are very well behaved children and a pleasure to have around.
Dd went on to have a child with a new partner but the relationship failed and I took on full time care if the child while dd was at work. This left me with far less time to see ds and his family. He and dd had not spoken properly since we helped dd into her first house. I think he was slightly jealous because he had lots of housing issues. When DH went to hospital and knew he would die, he worried dd ex would get her house so he gave her money to help buy another house and also he worried about ds and Dil as he thought they would try to take my house and money so he asked dd to move in with me.
When DH passed away me and dd became very close we live between both of our houses. DH will named me and our two DC as executors and me as sole beneficiary. Dd sorted everything she was very good she also took charge of my house and finances throwing things out and making decisions. She didn't want to involve ds due to concerns she and my DH had over their potential behaviour where our house and money was concerned. I went along with it.
I saw my ds once a week for a couple of hours but I was exhausted
One day my ds and Dil sat me down and told me what I already knew had gone on through out the years. I didn't know what to say so I denied it. My Dil said some not very nice things about my ds and my dh and my son mentioned issues around the house and money it made me think DH and dd had been right all along. I defended my DD and I made excuses because I wanted to keep the peace.
I haven't seen them since and I miss them terribly. My DD says she is sad because she had a brother and doesn't anymore although she believes this was Dil plan all along. I agree to her face but I'm not sure I'm confused, hurt and I just don't know what to do. I haven't told any of my friends or my brother that this has gone on over the years I pretend it's all ok.
Sorry for long post
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