Son and DIL won't see me any more

Sorry I already wrote this but it disappeared, it may pop up twice.

After we helped dd into her second house about a year later DH and dd met DS and gave him some money I think it was around £80k but DD told me it was 5 grand more than she got for her first house to even it because of inflation. My ds and Dil have told me they have had enough money and don't want any more from me as they say it's not worth the misery it has caused. My DS said to write him out of my will as he believes my DD will back off then and let me get my with my life. When my DH was in hospital dying he gave dd money for her current house as he was worried her horrible ex would lay claim to the house she was in and the one she wanted was slightly more than she could afford I don't think dd interferes with my life we are like a partnership as we are both on our own we go halves on food and bills and live in both houses. I baby sit she works.

My will splits everything 50/50 house, money in the bank and everything I own is for them both and they are the executors of the estate too.
My dd found me a counselor who is a friend of hers. Dd used to attend with me but now I go alone she is very good and has helped me to meditate and relax we have become good friends over the years but I do not tell her of this. I don't discuss it with anybody.

If i were in your daughter in laws position I woudnt like your daughter either. Surely you must see why.
Read this again, you asked for and have received good advice.
I dont think you will do anything about it and that is sad, for your son, his wife and child, and for you.

Total denial OP, your daughter is manipulative and greedy, your poor son.
You need to wake up as you are just as bad. My sister was just like your daughter, and I carry alot of hurt because if it. You really need to wake up and look at yourself and what you allowed to happen for a peaceful life. At best lazy parenting at worse you were complicit.
Like I said up post I can empathise with your son as I have been there. I loathe the way you ignore and deny things.
I walked away from everything and got no I inheritance at all, best thing I ever did.

Of course she doesn’t like your Daughter. She’s horrible.

Have you ever noticed the irony that you have allll that money to your daughter who then had it taken in her divorce. Then has two children by two men all the while your DIL has stayed with her husband and raised their family?

Will you give your son the money you denied him?

I don't think Dil is evil she's a good little mum and she's always looked after my son who has a medical condition. They have been together for many years and she is a very strong woman.
I think she doesn't like my dd and maybe never has every time I have mentioned dd her and my ds have shown they don't like to hear about her life all the time and asked me to stop which makes me anxious and I do it more by accident.

I just think things change when your dc get partners and even though you might not like what Dc partner has done, if they make your dc happy you that's all you can hope for and be happy with

You say your two children were close before your son met his future wife. That’s not how your post comes across. Your daughter and husband were conspiring behind your backs, or so it seems. They were bad mouthing your DIL and would have made it unpleasant for her. This isn’t the action of a woman who cares about her brother. My MIL was in constant league with my sister in law. They would wind each other up. My husband used to say he and his sister were close as kids, but not anymore. I think she was jealous because she didn’t want anyone to have her brother. She struggled in relationships, but your daughter didn’t did she? She was married quite soon after your son got together with his wife wasn’t she? Have I got that right?
In any case, I’m glad you can see you need to apologise to your son. To be honest, it sounds like both children have suffered, but in different ways. Your husband won’t have helped at all. I hope you can put all this behind you now, and move onwards and upwards.

An insightful post LondonMzFitz I hope the seed you've planted bares some fruit for the OP.

So many years of being controlled and manipulated will no doubt be hard to overcome. A very sad situation for the OP and especially her son.

OP

You are nowhere ready to talk to your son and apologize

"I do need to apologise to my son because I can see how he may have thought he wasn't being treated fairly"
He "may have thought he wasnt treated fairly"? He thinks for sure he was not treated fairly, that "may" invalidates his feelings and you are still in deep denial

Do NOT apologize at all. It will make it much worse

Having a doctorate doesn't mean you are financially savvy.
I donr have one, does it mean I dont know how to manage my money?

Your daughters's view on your dil - wow, what can I say. Toxic, poisonous and very unhealthy on your daughter's mind.

You are your daughter are clearly enmeshed and happy to be so.

"My dh and dd have been very concerned about the house and the will but that's because they didn't want my son to allow someone to come in and take what's for him and his children."
Is there is more to the story? How do you think your son is being taken advantage of?

You need therapy. I would leave son and dil's family alone.

You are still going on about how his wife is some evil that must be defended against.

You are the abuser.
So why should he want a relationship until you are willing to change your views?

I'd stop with the "DH" personally, how anyone could refer to what seems to be a bitter, twisted, opinionated man as a DH baffles me.

I'm going to stick a little seed in here, and lets see if it bears fruit. Your DD has transferred her affections from her DF who clearly held the purse strings to you. You spend all your time with your daughter and none with your son.

You are being manipulated.

You have been manipulated for far too long.

You have "let things go" without fighting back for your other child. You will be manipulated for the rest of your life, your son will get nothing, your daughter will have everything and I'm guessing if there are future partners in her future they will get a fair proportion too. If you are happy with this then do nothing. However - and I'm guessing as you have posted you aren't happy with this situation, - you need to step up and take charge. Stop now with this and look at both your children and their needs. You have two children, one has made out like a bandit and one has been clearly passed over time and time again. His choice of partner - get your "DH" and "DD" voices out of your head, you make own decision about her finally! She's seen her partner treated like this, it would take a saint not to say "Whoa, lady, you have two children here, not just the one".

Your poor son!

Just to add, before they stopped talking to me my Dil suggested I talk to my dd and ask her about things. I did try to but my DD started to cry and said she used to have a brother and now he's gone. She was very upset so I left it

Thank you all for your responses I do need to apologise to my son because I can see how he may have thought he wasn't being treated fairly. My dh used to say I favoured him and left my dd out. I didn't think I did.

My DD isn't greedy she knows how to deal with things like all the forms you have to fill in because she's been to university and has a doctorate. She doesn't take from me we live half the week in my house and half the week in hers and we go halves on everything I look after her child while she's at work and the child's father collects the child every evening. I do this to help her as she is a single mum, my son has his own little family they don't want me hanging around. My dd was very close to her dad and when he was I'll in hospital she took time off work and sat with him 24/7. My dh asked for her help in making sure the house and money didn't get into the wrong hands after he died.

My dd and ds were very close before he met my dil, he had other not so serious gf's and this didn't happen. Their birthday is on the same day but different years. DD is older and felt ds had stolen her special day when he was born.
They used to socialise together and were more like friends we thought they'd live together this changed when he met Dil.

My Dil has no family of her own her parents abused drugs and she hasn't seen them in more than 20 years. My dh used to describe her as "fiercely independent" My dd feels that this is why it was her plan to destroy things for ds with his family. My dh used to always say that it wasn't your dc you need to worry about but who is whispering in their ear.

My dh and dd have been very concerned about the house and the will but that's because they didn't want my son to allow someone to come in and take what's for him and his children. It hasn't turned out for the best and I do need to say sorry to my son for how things have become

You say at the end of your post, that maybe your daughter and husband had been right all along...but they were plotting and scheming before your son and his wife got together...weren’t they?
I think you need to talk it through with your son and DIL too. Your husband obviously had his reasons for being so unpleasant. It’s a pity he dragged your daughter down with him, but I think your son is the loser here.
Please try to salvage this before it’s too late. It sounds like good grounds for your DIL to walk away, and I wouldn’t blame her.

My sympathies to your son. I am afraid your husband and daughter are/were bullies.
I am afraid I have no sympathy for you either OP, you took the easy way out and chose to ignore what was going on.
I can understand why your son ignores you, I would have nothing to do with you either. I say this as someone who has been through what your son has.
Sorry to be so blunt but shame on you. This post has made me very angry and has bought back unpleasant memories.

What a mess. You have gone along with your (greedy) husband and daughter - probably because this was the easiest thing to do.

I do feel sorry for you BUT it is up to you to apologise and be honest now with your son and daughter in law.

Take control of your finances and make a new will.

Good luck. You can be strong.

Whilst I do feel for you OP, this is very much a case of reaping what you sow. Even if the financial favouritism wasn’t so obvious, the emotional favouritism is blatantly obvious. You openly admit to prioritising DD’s child - and not spending as much time with DS due to her having a baby. You don’t display their wedding pictures. And when DS finally spoke to you about these and the financial issues, your reaction was to call them liars.

How do you expect DS and his wife to deal with all this? What would be a reasonable, healthy adult reaction?

As to the conclusion from DD that this was DIL’s plan? How on earth could she have planned this?

You have been financially controlled OP, I’d urge you to have an independent third party have a look over your estate to ensure you understand what you have and to help with any planning around inheritance.

Regarding your DS, in your shoes I’d write a list - every time you’ve treated him differently than his sister, financially and emotionally. Maybe then email and take accountability to for each and every thing you’ve thought of. That’s not to say it’s all your fault, it’s not at all - but you chose in each of these moments to stay quiet and accept the decisions being made which were unfair to your son, that makes you equally at fault as your DH and DD.

Reading a lot of these threads from both perspectives (the parents and adult children estranging), a common theme from the children is that they feel their parents give a “blanket apology” which doesn’t actually indicate any accountability for what’s been done. So maybe by recognising where you’ve gone wrong might give you a start in regaining contact?

Print off your post and show it to your son.
Apologies profoundly from the bottom of your heart.
Then ask HIM how he wants to move forward.

Regarding your daughter, I would also take your rose colour glasses off and try to be more objective.

As for yourself as others have ready said stop portraying yourself as helpless, you are quite capable of getting your thoughts in order and writing them down succinctly .
It is obvious that you can use the internet, so should be quite capable of getting your affairs in order.

Good luck

You don’t get to play the passive nobody here. Your daughter and husband sound utterly vile. And you are just as guilty. Why would they want anything to do with you after what you all put them through?
So you can inflict the same upon their children?

How sad that it's all about money ! The root of all evil.

It looks to me as if you have been the victim of a controlling and manipulative husband and daughter Asdf. It's impossible I'm sure how anyone who has not been in this type of marital relationship, can comprehend how you could have been controlled and manipulated to the extent you have been, and for so long. I include myself.

Your husband with your D making decisions about yours and your H's joint finances including your inheritance from your own parents. Your D knowing more about your financial position while your H was alive than you did; I could go on.

In my honest opinion you have been indoctrinated for years about being unable to trust your son and then his GF who later became his wife. So much so that sadly you are now unable to see that your son is right to be aggrieved as he is right to be unable as you say "to put the past behind him".

As I have already said, I believe you to have been and still be a victim and your son is a victim too. You are allowing this cycle of abuse to continue by allowing your D to take over from your H in controlling your finances, and excusing this 'decision' by saying she is better at it than you.

You are clearly in denial of what has happened in the past and I think you should consider therapy or counselling to enable you to come to terms with your own past and your son's.

I hope in time you'll be able to look back and see the past with a clarity that you don't appear to have at the moment. You may then be able to see how present circumstances have come about and your role in that path, which I believe to a great extent was due to the fact that you were a victim too.

If you wish to find a way forward with your son, you must begin with recognising that the way things were then, and are now, is far from OK.

I wish you well.

To keep the peace and/or in the knowledge that any dissent would be shouted down you 'learned' for the most part to ignore what was being done to you and your son.

I've been in the position your son is in Asdf, and I can tell you it hurts.
His behaviour has ALWAYS been seen as suspect, so in the end he cant do right from wrong.
You have been gaslighted for many a long year.

Hithere has listed coldly but objectively what has happened.

I feel sorry for you,
But wake up please, your son needs your love and validation!

Crossed posts

It sounds like your dh and dd have bullied you over the years which does affect self confidence. I am sorry if this is the case because it will make it difficult to stand up fir yourself and your son but do try.

Hithere

Let's see if I read it properly:
1. Your husband was a bully and abusive all his life
2. He and you clearly favoured your daughter since the beginning
3. You clearly did not defend your son when he was attacked by your husband and daughter and did not stand up for him
4. Your two kids were named executors when their father died but your son was excluded, you leaving that role happily into your daughter's hands
5. You DENIED past events because you didnt know what to say to your son and dil and they were trying to talk about it and clear the air

And you are surprised they dont talk to you?

I couldn't agree more with your post Hithere. From what the OP has written, it appears that her husband and daughter were bullying her son and it does sound like the poor man has had no one to support him. I am also not surprised that he and his wife have decided to cut themselves off- there's only so much rejection that a person can cope with. In my opinion, the OPs son has been treated very unfairly and I hope that the OP does all she can to ensure that on her death her estate is divided 50/50 between her children, and she is strong enough to resist any attempt by her daughter to change her Will.

You do sound like the author of a lot of your disasters.

You have got into the habit of classing yourself as helpless and hopeless and shoving all the blame on others. It is time to give yourself a good shake and a firm talking to and then face up to life and deal with it.