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Estrangement

Family Estranged me

(23 Posts)
Konzul11 Sun 09-May-21 14:04:10

Hi, I am 36 years old Eastern European married with Cuban/British woman and expecting a child together and we are very happy together, we have been together for 6 years now. I do live in UK for 6 years and almost 18 years abroad working and travelling in different countries. As of my family are coming from very different cultural and rather conservative background in Eastern Europe and that is why i am mentioning the fact that i am dating someone from a different background and not an Eastern European which has caused already prejudice, judgment and disappointment in the environment and family i am coming from. However my parents have accepted that I do not want to abide by their social norms and have accepted my partner which i am very grateful.

Now in regards of my Mother and Father they have separation between themselves many times when we were kids me and my sister and at one point they were even divorced and then they remarried all the time nasty fights and sometimes domestic abuse, my dad treated us as dictator and i was scared to even walk, talk or eat sometimes as a kid.. All the time me and my sister were involved in their separation and were used in their fights and estrangements from each other taking back and forth from one to another house this has started ever since i have my first memory and we have been estranged from my mother when i was 12 and lived without her for 6 months banned from talking to her and being thought by my father and his family that i need to hate her in which i did at the time then it was opposite once they got together now my mother taught us how bad my father is etc and in general the level of mental abuse and abandonment we have gone through is big ( they have separated over 10 times until i was 18 )as until this days i have problem trusting people and distinguishing right from wrong. Nevertheless me and my sister are now adults but in a mental mess extremely insecure and not being able to trust anyone.

Now the real problem is that my parents have come to visit me recently in UK for a first time and everything was just great apart from small argument with my sister at the end of their visit. Because of that argument my mother and father stopped eating for 2 days and just resenting me and my mother crying 2 days in a roll. Beofre they leave on the day of their departure i confronted them and said this is not right and we should not fight and make most of it as they are leaving and i do not know when we will see each other again both of them got upset even more and shouting and acting erratically and i told them this " Mum and Dad i grew up in bad environment and i do not want this for my wife and kid i do not want this in my family and in front of my pregnant wife please stop or otherwise i will not be willing to see you in future as this needs to stop once for all and we need to learn how to argue as normal people" and my father accused me that he is not welcomed and he is going to leave and will go at my sisters flat as i am not a good son( she lives in UK to )... Just to clarify i have not had ask them to leave or neither i wanted them to do so but they were threatening me in which my unfortunate mental instability i blacked out and pull a knife and i have tried to stab myself and wanted to harm myself, now looking into it i thing i just wanted my parents attention and understanding that i do not want them out at all i just want the fighting to stop once for all and the mental abuse.. They have already aware of my frail mental state and told them i really do want to end my life and i have shared that many times in the past and that i am trying to find a reason to live and move on, long story short they have managed to stop me from hurting myself and after 30 minutes they said that my action to hurt myself made them believe that they are no longer welcome said goodbye and cut me off from the family.. I begged them to stay and not do that as i was abandoned from each one of them all my life and i am alone in foreign country and they already know my Mental State and i do apologise for trying to harm myself.. Regardless they packed their things and walked out, on the way out my mother accused me of being brainwashed by my wife and that she didn't raise me properly.. My wife has never said or don anything bad to them as she does not speak our language and they do not speak English and never before i heard any disagreement between them. I begged them not to leave and stay and said this will break this up as a family again.. And yet they left leaving me devastated and my sister cut me off as well as she lives in UK ( By the way i settled her down financially and finding her job in UK but she is saying i did that for my interest) There is a lot more to the story and i feel and i know i made a mistakes but my parents left me knowing everything and ever since i try to find a reason to live and thinking of my coming baby but this has brought all the issues from the past and i cannot understand why my parents will be so cold. No attempts has been made by them to contact me by them and they are convinced that i am the worst son in the world and my wife is horrible?? The amount of emptiness and void is unbearable and i am not sure how to learn to live again without my family which doesn't want nothing with anylonger. I know they are good people with a lot issues as i am as well... But i cannot get over the fact that my family has decided to leave in such a manner and cut me of fully.

Hithere Sun 09-May-21 14:08:50

Hi from a fellow Eastern European!

Looks like you are not missing much, they are supertoxic.

I would encourage you to start counseling. Trying to hurt yourself is a dysfunctional way to address your hurt.

Hithere Sun 09-May-21 14:09:34

Sorry, western european... more coffee

love0c Sun 09-May-21 15:56:56

What a sad state of affairs. I can only offer the advice of be happy you have your wife who loves you and look forward to the child you are expecting. I think once the child is born you may feel better. I do hope so. Take care.

keepingquiet Sun 09-May-21 16:00:33

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your parents sound like nightmare toxic people and I would feel glad they are gone from my life, if this was me.
Go and see your GP, tell him/her everything you have told us and get some therapy.
It is not fair to inflict this trauma on your wife and children either. You have a chance to focus on your own growing family who need your stability- do it for them.

Nanna58 Sun 09-May-21 16:01:25

Please, please get some help for how terrible you feel, for your sake and for your little family. Ask your GP to refer you. All the best to you

Nanna58 Sun 09-May-21 16:02:44

Sorry keeping quiet , crossed posts

Konzul11 Sun 09-May-21 16:58:52

Thanks a lot for all of your advices. Unfortunately i misbehaved inappropriately and by trying to harm myself was very stupid of me in which i did apologise to everyone and i definitely need to seek help in order to become better person and not have scenes like that in front of my Kid/ Wife. Your comments have helped me a lot and i really appreciate it. Thank you so much to all of you!

Shelflife Sun 09-May-21 17:09:29

Love your wife and baby they are your priority. Get help to heal yourself , you can not alter your relationship with your family so concentrate on building a new family.
Good luck !

Ro60 Sun 09-May-21 17:09:44

I agree with the above.
Babies often being families together. Maybe your parents could visit you separately at different times?
I'm glad you can see they are good people on the whole. Maybe circumstances have made life difficult for them.
Best wishes to you and your partner. Congratulations n your expected baby.

Konzul11 Sun 09-May-21 18:30:42

Konzul11

Thanks a lot for all of your advices. Unfortunately i misbehaved inappropriately and by trying to harm myself was very stupid of me in which i did apologise to everyone and i definitely need to seek help in order to become better person and not have scenes like that in front of my Kid/ Wife. Your comments have helped me a lot and i really appreciate it. Thank you so much to all of you!

When i say "misbehave" i mean i shouldn't have attempted to harm myself... Nevertheless after reading the comments i think i will need to learn how to move on and try to forget about them as much as i can.
I should not allow my parents to destroy my life as they have destroyed theirs and they are very destructive all their lifes.. I don't understand how an ego and denial can be better option than having your son as part of the family.
So far they haven't attempted to reach me at all and i have tried to do so but no prevail i think is for the best to embrace the estrangement and let them be.. I don't wish them bad but toxicity needs to stop and life's move on with or without them!

silverlining48 Sun 09-May-21 18:48:00

I am sorry, how upsetting for all of you, but especially you and your wife. Just for now concentrate on her and the new baby. They are the most important people. They are your family.
I hope you are on good terms with your sister and assume your parents are home now and hope in time things get better but your last sentence says it all.
This is to be avoided at all cost Congratulations and wishing you good luck, peace and happiness.

silverlining48 Sun 09-May-21 18:52:47

I am sorry I missed that you and your sister are not on good terms, even more reason to just look after your family and try to get some help fir yourself.

Delila Sun 09-May-21 19:13:01

Yes, Konzul11, you have found the answer yourself. You have tried your best to have a normal relationship with your family, but it has not worked. They caused you so much distress that you wanted to harm yourself. I agree with you that now you should let them be.

You don’t wish your parents and sister any harm, but now you need to take care of yourself and your wife and your baby, when she or he arrives. I agree with the advice others have given you to see your GP to ask for some help from a counsellor so that you will not feel so badly upset by the way your parents have treated you in the past and again now on this recent visit. Now you have a new life ahead of you with a family of your own.

I wish you and your wife and baby a happy future.

Ro60 Sun 09-May-21 23:30:17

You've got a whole load of Grandparents / Parents here in the mean time eagerly awaiting your baby.
As you and they get older & wiser who knows what the future may hold?

Chestnut Mon 10-May-21 00:07:02

A toxic relationship with one or both parents can really cut you to the bone. If they are saying things that hurt you then keep well away from them, these words can destroy your self-esteem, weaken you and make you doubt yourself. Instead focus on being a good and loving husband and preparing to be a good and loving father for your baby. When your baby arrives you will feel so much love it will change your life completely. You will want to be a better person and the baby will give you the strength to be that person. Keep believing that you can be and you will be.

Smileless2012 Mon 10-May-21 09:37:53

After a lifetime of living with your dysfunctional and abusive parents Konzul, it finally got too much for you so please don't carry on reproaching yourself for wanting to self harm.

Coming to terms with the fact that no matter how much we do for someone we love, and how much we try to accommodate everyone of their needs, that it's never going to be enough and they don't want us in their lives, is one of the hardest and most painful of life's experiences.

You have a wife and a child of your own to think and care about and as Chestnut has said "when your baby arrives you will feel so much love it will change your life completely".

It's going to take time to come to terms with not just this recent event with your parents, but everything you've been subjected too throughout your life. Give some thought to counselling, talk this over with your lovely wife and see what she thinks.

If you're happy for her to do so, it may be possible for her to attend any sessions with you.

I hope that with time, you'll be able to see that although this was your parents decision to estrange, you, your wife and your child will be happier and healthier without them in your life.

Konzul11 Mon 10-May-21 16:48:49

Smileless2012

After a lifetime of living with your dysfunctional and abusive parents Konzul, it finally got too much for you so please don't carry on reproaching yourself for wanting to self harm.

Coming to terms with the fact that no matter how much we do for someone we love, and how much we try to accommodate everyone of their needs, that it's never going to be enough and they don't want us in their lives, is one of the hardest and most painful of life's experiences.

You have a wife and a child of your own to think and care about and as Chestnut has said "when your baby arrives you will feel so much love it will change your life completely".

It's going to take time to come to terms with not just this recent event with your parents, but everything you've been subjected too throughout your life. Give some thought to counselling, talk this over with your lovely wife and see what she thinks.

If you're happy for her to do so, it may be possible for her to attend any sessions with you.

I hope that with time, you'll be able to see that although this was your parents decision to estrange, you, your wife and your child will be happier and healthier without them in your life.

Smileless2012 Thank you for your kind words and support i want to say thanks to each one of you but i will "spam" the all conversation if i did so so thanks all of you nice people.
All of your comments helps me a lot and i really feel better after sharing my situation online.
What hurts the most for me is knowing that they are suffering as well and how my parents could leave in such a state. Nevertheless i am healing and will take time i know, at least i do not have any suicidal thoughts anymore and slowly coming in terms with the reality of the situation.. No matter what i will always love them as my family and i will never wish them bad.
Once again thanks a lot for the support!

Soozikinzi Mon 10-May-21 17:08:38

Your wife and baby are your family now . You’ve done your best to keep up with your parents and it hasn’t worked. So you must move on and concentrate on your own little family now . You’ve done well to get away from them and stand on your own two feet and find a living partner. Pat yourself on the back on focus the future now .

Sparkling Mon 10-May-21 18:06:03

Your wife and child are your priority, you duty is to provide a safe environment for you all and protect to all. Your parents have chosen their way which is totally unacceptable and it is up to them to live as they see fit, you should not have to conform to the unacceptable. I know it won’t be easy but knowing right is on your side concentrate on the three if you. I didn’t think I would say this but you’ve a are better without them, they failed to keep you safe, don’t continue the pattern.

Madgran77 Mon 10-May-21 18:31:48

1. Get some counselling and work through the awful time that you have had over many years, the consequences of all that
2. Focus on your wife and child, your own little family and creating something so much better for them
3. You are not the sum of your past; you are the sum of your present and you future. flowers

Buffybee Mon 10-May-21 18:41:40

Because of your toxic parents, you had a very disruptive and dysfunctional childhood, which has obviously impacted on your mental health.
Your parents are not going to change, keep them away from your lovely wife and baby.
They are your family now and your priority is to look after them.
As others have advised, get help for your mental health.
Wishing you happiness for the future.

Nonogran Mon 10-May-21 19:50:06

You sound like a lovely person with so much to look forward to. As everyone here has said, concentrate on your wife & coming baby. Look forward, not back & enjoy your life without the toxic influences of others. How much do you need them in your life? Probably not a lot & there is too much nonesense gone on in the past to easily be able to put that right now.
Go for counselling & put the past behind you. Rejoice that you are able to start afresh & love your little family in a calm peaceful way which was never given to you.
Sending a big virtual hug to you, your dear wife & the expected little one.