Understanding estrangement

I think your anger is understandable snowberry.

The anger eases with time snowberry, you can't make it happen but it does eventually.

Bibbity

What would the alternative be? Not accepting it? Living a life time of turmoil and not moving on?

Acceptance does not mean you like it. It means understanding that you have no control in the matter and directing emotional and physical energy into another direction so not to cause further harm to your own mental health.

We can not change the actions or decisions of another person. We can only make choices regarding our own life.

I guess you are right.

I need to get away from feeling angry.

What would the alternative be? Not accepting it? Living a life time of turmoil and not moving on?

Acceptance does not mean you like it. It means understanding that you have no control in the matter and directing emotional and physical energy into another direction so not to cause further harm to your own mental health.

We can not change the actions or decisions of another person. We can only make choices regarding our own life.

Your quite right snowberry estrangement is a bereavement, a living bereavement.

old post

I realise the above is an odd post.
But I found it quite chilling, so had to comment.

cornishpatsy

I think it is important to accept it and move on. For whatever reason the estranged person does not like you or you do not like them. The reasons do not matter, you cannot change how somebody feels.

Oh come off it!
You're seriously suggesting that parents should just accept that they are never to see their own child.
Ever. Again.
Are you so lacking in empathy that you can't imagine that, to most parents, Estragement of their child and often times grandchildren as well is very similar to Bereavement.

I find some of the comments on this so called support forum quite shocking.

Time for me to leave
And stick to the other topics.

Shelbel your comment really resonated with me. My mother sounds a lot like yours and she also used parental alienation. I am so lucky that her attempts at that failed and I finally found the strength to walk away from her completely, not just her opinions of me and people I love. I'm so.sorry your husband has to deal with that and I hope his daughter wakes up one day.

I should have posted this on the 'is it abuse?' thread. Sorry.

My husband and I have experienced both sides of estrangement. I am no contact with my family after a childhood of physical and emotional abuse. They continued the emotional abuse on into my adult life until I finally walked away 2 years ago. I have never received love and respect as a human being from them. Only unfair treatment, severe critisism the silent treatment and scapegoating. The lack of love and affection was the wordt part. In the e d, with my parents in their eighties and still being abusive to me, my two sisters joined in, back stabbing and dismiss g me in order to score points with elderly parents and get POA and take financial control. It was not for their health, only for control of finances. I suspect they will get me disinherited
But I really don't care as I'd rather have my mental health

My husband is a strange from his oldest child, a girl now 25. This is a very long story but her mother has poisoned her against him. He did not leave her mother, he did not end the marriage. We met 2 years after but the amount of verbal abuse and. Poison levelled at us was horrendous. I think the mother regretted leaving him and I was in the way. His daughter gave him a 'it's me or her' ultimatum.
He is a wonderful man and I feel so sorry for him. He left the door open to her In the hope that she might one day think about this and they could try to move on. He wrote this in an email but nothing has come of it. She was 18 then.

There is very often a good reason that people are estranged. The reasons vary so much that I don't think anyone should judge u less they really know both sides. So no, I don't think it's abuse.

Sorry for the errors I thought I had tapped preview but posted instead

Nicegranny.

This thread has been a lifeline for me......the support, understanding and friendship has been amazing.

Tempting.....?

There’s a lot of us in the same situation. We should all go on a very expensive holiday and use some of their inheritance.?

DerbyshireLass
Please don’t think you are monopolising the thread , you are writing a carbon copy of my own story.
I had no need to carry on writing because virtually everything you have written l could have written it myself.
I’m so glad I have had help here especially from Smileless. I don’t know what I would have done if l didn’t have somewhere to get things off my chest.
I have to go out right now but I’ll be back later to contribute. Xxx

One of my usual coping mechanisms is working on a project. Usually decorating or diy. At the moment it's the outdoor work. Currently trying to paint the shed but am somewhat thwarted by the weather, it's quite autumnal here. As soon as I get going it starts to spit with rain - like now. Very frustrating. Hopefully it will just be a few spits and spots and I can get out there again shortly.

I can understand that sorting out your will has eased your mind. I wont do anything just yet, I'm just adopting a wait and see approach.

But I'm pretty much resolved now to moving house for a fresh start and a new life. I bought this house In 2018 as a project. I have nearly finished its refurbishment. I have stayed here because there is so much space for the children when they by visited. But, if they won't be visiting, then I don't need such a big house, nor would I be restricted to living fairly close by them to facilitate helping with child care.

I can downsize, free up equity and have more money in my pocket. Maybe rent for a while and travel a bit before making any final decision as to where I want to live next.

It occurs to me that I will be as free as a bird......who knows I might even become a snowbird and start flying south for the winter. Get some winter sun on my old bones.

I am not going to put my life on hold, waiting for my son to wake up and smell the coffee.. I will finish off a few final bits and pieces over the winter and then I will put the house on the market within the next 18 months.

He was 30. His dad was actually in the process of dying when it was my sons 30th birthday. He was 32 when he got married. She was his first real serious girlfriend. He had dated a bit but he was really more interested in his mates and sport. She is beautiful, glamorous and intelligent - she just swept him off his feet. I too was really happy for him,

I am glad you also see her asking to be taken to see that film as a deliberate act. I used to think it was just me being paranoid but the more I think of it the more I am beginning to think it was a calculated move and part of an orchestrated campaign. Break him down and then build him up. Classic narc love bombing techniques.

Yes, I will keep roaring. ??. Like the the news anchor in the film "Network". "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it".

The longer this silent treatment goes on the more I am resolved to start putting myself first now. I'm done with her rules and regulations, and her attempts to blackmail me.

Three times she has tried to use emotional blackmail and each time I have given her the same answer - if you want to cut me it of your life then do it. But each time she backs down. What she doesn't know yet is that I have already made the decision to banish her from my life. As far as I'm concerned it's done. I just haven't told her yet.

It's my son who is son is sitting on the fence. I always said I would not make him piggy in the middle. I wouldn't make what is a difficult situation even worse, that I would work hard to build a good relationship with my DIL for his sake. But she is the one who has thrown it all back in my face and I have simply reached a point of no return with her.

I have nothing but sympathy and concern for my son, but he has to learn that he cannot treat me like this. This last use of the "silent treatment" has made me furious. It's not acceptable and he too has now crossed a line.

What do I want.....for now peace and quiet and time to heal. In the future I want to build a life where I can be myself. No more eggshells, no more dramas. Being with people who care for me.

I am strong and resilient - I can do this. I will chose happiness.

DerbyshireLass your daughter in law was cruel seeing that film with your son. To my mind she did it deliberately. Knowing he was hurting from his dad's death. Why did he carry on seeing her and stay with her all this time. If you don't mind me asking how old was he when his dad died and how old was he when they married.

My son met his future wife a year after he's dad died. They where both 17 that year. I was so happy my boy was happy again. She made him happy and as time went on I grew to love her. They married when they where 28.

It seems she has hated me for a long time why I have no idea. I never treated her badly. My brother thinks she is jealous of my relationship with my son.

She killed any love I had for her with a sentence she wrote on Reddit. I didn't read my friend told me. How any one could write such a wicked thing I will never know. It concerned my husband who she never knew. But I don't hate her. As I have said before don't want or need hate in my life. Had enough of that with my in laws.

What helped me come to terms with the fact my son doesn't want anything to do with me was his letter August last year. He said zero contact so zero contact he has got .With Smiles and everyone's help I can live with that. His choice not mine .

He can't hurt me anymore. I won't let him. I can't stop loving him and my grandson's are innocent in all this.

If he does want his mom back he will have to face me. But I will never let my guard down. I have thought about this a lot. If he turns up on my door step I will be torn between wanting to hug him or hit him. But I know he won't.

Since changing my will last year I have been at peace. I have wobbles and always will have .

We have to live the lives that make us happy . Be with the people we love and for me not wish for something I can't have.

The worse thing to happen to me was my husband dieing. What my son has done pales in comparison to that.

DerbyshireLass you said the other day you are roaring . Start roaring again. The past has gone what present and future do you want? Whatever it is make it a good one.

My daughter said to me the other day I am proud of you mom no matter what lifes throws at you you get on with it.

We all need to be proud of who we are and no matter what life throws at us. Find a way to win through. The suffragettes fought for us to have the vote. We need to fight for the lives we want to live. ??

Good Morning

Woke up early, first thought that springs into my head is the situation. What will happen, will I hear from them today. Of course I won't. They've not punished me enough yet.

I guess it's is just still very raw but I don't want it to dominate my thoughts like this. I feel like a prisoner to my mind. That's where I need to do the work. Manage my thoughts better, accept and move on. It's just getting to the stage of acceptance isn't it. I need to stop resisting, and hoping against hope. Just accept my new reality. I guess it will just take time.

Last Christmas was very difficult. I hosted Christmas Day (as usual), worked like a demon to make everything nice and give everyone a nice time. I walked on eggshells the whole time. It was very stressful. I was left feeling exhausted. It took me most of Boxing Day to clear up. I actually spent a lot of money - presents, treats, the food and drink, not that that matters but it was a bit galling if I'm honest to feel so taken for granted. I felt at the time that it was all very one sided, that they didn't appreciate all the work that goes into making Christmas happen, all the effort I had gone to. Even then DIL made it obvious that she only tolerated me and I did end up feeling somewhat used and abused.

I actually fell ill a few days afterwards with a very nasty virus. I wonder how much of that was due to exhaustion. How much of it was stress induced.

At least this year will be less stressful.......however I get to spend it. A quiet Christmas will be just fine.

You're right Onward......our EC will be caring only about themselves.

It's funny but after what has happened I have been revisiting some past conversations, some past events. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I am seeing some things very differently now, interpreting them differently in the light of my new reality. Things that I brushed under the carpet or pretended not to notice, all those slights, put downs and thinly disguised insults which I either ignored or put down to my imagination.

My husband used to have this daft convoluted saying..."If only I had had the benefit of foresight to have the wisdom of hindsight". Always made me laugh when he said it. And it does sum up how I feel about what is happening to me now. But you can't turn back the clock.

The past is the past, it's history now. I need to stop raking over the past, looking for meaning and explanations, asking myself why, what did I do wrong. Time to live in the present and work towards a better future. That was then and this is now.

Onwards.....I am not vengeful but I have been dealt such a body blow that I am very doubtful that I even want them in my life now - most definitely not DIL. She could come crawling on her knees but I refuse to have her back in my life under any circumstances. As for my son......well I would have to be very sure that he was truly sorry and that he would never treat me like this again. I would need to know that he is a proper fully fledged adult, able to accept responsibility for the pain he has caused his family.

Onwards.......we ARE good enough. I have come to realise that a big part of the problem is that they have this enormous sense of entitlement. They want the perfect lifestyle. When things go wrong, when they hit a bump in the road they can't cope. They have a hissy fit, they look around for someone to blame. And it is us who are in the firing line. They need to grow up. They are living in cloud cuckoo land.

It really isn't us who are lacking. Sure we may have made some mistakes, none of us is perfect, but that doesn't justify them turning on us. All I can do is speak for myself but I'm sure many of us can say the same. We did our best.

If my best wasn't or isnt good enough, well let them do their worst because I'm done with tying myself in knots trying to please and placate them. If I'm not good enough for them I will save myself further heartache and I will concentrate on the people who do think I'm good enough.

So sorry for all your pain, ladies.

Derbyshirelass losing your husband and your parents so close together must have been devastating. So sorry for your loss and your accident too. Miracle Mornings sound amazing and you're doing all the right things! You're not monopolising the thread but you're new and things need to come out. Better out than in!

My husband said he felt that ES would not estrange from us as he threatened because he doesn't have anyone else locally, *but he did do it*- and he has lost contact with everyone in the family. What are they thinking to bring up their kids with no family? What happened to "It takes a village to raise a child"?

That's super heartless of your son, Smileless so sorry. I can't imagine why he would tell you to stay away if he didn't want you to? My son has written me out of his life and he said it's because I had the covid vaccine, but in reality I think he's mad over some things from the past. I did do my best , as we all do, but it wasn't good enough.

I think if something awful happened and they came back into our lives we would have to be distant and make it clear just how hurt we have been. They would have to be sorry and make it obvious that they had changed . I also think they would have to make all of the effort and that we shouldn't make it easy for them to hurt us again.

We talked about wills today. My husband is definitely more open to discuss these things now and we are planning for a quiet Christmas. We have no expectations, but we will be busy looking after our elderly relatives. We doubt that EC will be caring for anyone except themselves!

It’s all out of our hands except how we choose to respond.

Million dollar question isn't it ?
Why would we allow anyone back in our lives who have treated us so cruelly ?, whether its our children, husbands , partners or friends...its that one word " love " that makes us falter.
I honestly don't know what I would do if my child wanted to be back in my life...I could never trust them again and the relationship could never be close again, no one will ever get the chance to hurt me like this ever again.

Whiff.....My husbands dying words were "look after the boys". That's all I have ever tried to do.

I know this sounds odd but I think she just saw my son as easy prey. They met just one month after his fathers death I think he was vulnerable and she just pounced.

I have often wondered about something. It bothered me at the time and I often wonder if it was an early red flag,

My husband suffered from a rare neurological condition, the effects and symptoms of which are very similar to MND. He ended up a paraplegic.

On their first date she asked him to take her to the cinema to see "The Theory of Everything", the life story of Stephen Hawkins. He did as asked and got a bit upset during the film. Apparently she said she had no idea about the nature of his fathers Illness and would have never have suggested the film had she known.

I am not so sure....... They met at work, worked in the same office. All his colleagues knew. She must have known, they had worked together for several weeks before dating, she had plenty of time to find out.

Maybe I'm being unfair, seeing something sinister that just wasn't here but I have to say it's something that has always made me feel uncomfortable.

What would my husband say now. I think he would tell me to take care of myself now. To put it all behind me, that I have been a good mother, that I've done my best and that I need to build myself a new life.

I don't know, Hilltop. It's the £1m question isn't it.

Could we trust someone who has hurt and abused us and just tossed us away like a piece of rubbish. Would we hold back fearing they would do it again if it suited them or if we didn't "toe the line".

Perhaps we could forgive but. I doubt we would forget.

Maya Angelou said "we can forget what was said to us, we can forget what was done to us, but we can never forget how we were made to feel".

How can I ever forget that I have been made to feel worthless and unwanted by the son I love so much.

DerbyshireLass I echo Smiles and Madgran.

I felt like I was monopolising the thread when I first joined. But it's the only way we can get our stories out. And by telling our stories we can get the help and support of others who know the pain we are going through.

When I had my son's email I read it over and over again. I couldn't believe my own son would write such lies and be so cruel and cowardly. I have never cried so much since my husband died. I was so tired all the time.

And being trolled by my daughter in law on another Gransnet thread and finding out all the awful things she wrote on Reddit about me and my daughter. And to realise she had been writing long before I moved to live closer to both families was awful.

Then the presents and cards came back plus a letter from my son. I couldn't believe my son could be so spiteful to his own children that he wouldn't let them have birthday presents, birth presents and present for my oldest grandson from me.

I cried so much it hurt. So I understand how you feel.

My grandson's are growing up without all our side of the family. My son's choice. He not only hurt me but all my side of the family.

I will never trust him again or forgive him or my daughter in law.

What hurts and must hurt you to is that if our husbands where alive this would never have happened. My husband wouldn't have put up with what I did for years. But because I lived so far away I was just happy to spend time with them.

Then once I moved saw my son and grandson's every week and looking forward to another grandson. To have that torn away is so cruel.
But at least with that letter last August made it final . I haven't had to put up with the abuse some here have suffered.

You have bent over backwards for them and put up with haressment and vileness from your daughter in law. They forget sending texts etc is something that can be saved.

You say you feel like you have been hit by tsunamis. My version is being hit by a tidal wave of grief for my husband and my grandson's.

But it's now time for you to put yourself first. It's hard but you must. You have a son who loves you cherish him as I cherish my daughter and family.

It's not selfish to put yourself first for once. What you your husband want you to do? ?