SD cut off!

That’s too little too late sago but if it gives your friend some comfort, hopefully it will be alright. I would say that the girls mother could end up here if she ruined the relationship between your husband and his daughter’s.

My dear friend lost her partner at Xmas, he was killed in an accident.
She has two step daughters, she never had a relationship with them because their mother forbade it.
Now their father is dead they are so full of remorse at the way they treated him and my friend.
27 years were wasted because their mother brainwashed them.
My friend is kind and generous so has forgiven the girls, they are now forging a close bond.
The door must always be left open.

Sounds like you’re well rid of her. I would be firm that your husband can do what he likes as far as contact but I wouldn’t welcome her to your home while she’s unvaccinated.

Hithere- It doesn’t surprise me in the least!

May I ask if your dh fought for more custody, more say in coparenting, etc?

This estrangement has been in the making for decades.

What I am wondering is why it surprises you

Thanks all. Yes, we have Wills set up etc already. I do feel for Dad and daughter but as one of you said, there wasn’t much contact because of the distance and my husband working so I guess SD has a certain resentment. Despite what some of you are saying, I do not interfere between them at all. This is why I asked advice on here. I think I’ll just leave them to it. I tend to take on everyone’s worries. ?‍♀️

She’s not going to change and it’s about time she wasn’t pandered to any more, if that mean her father has no contact he will have to reconcile himself with the fact she doesn’t care, you don’t treat anyone as she does when you care, no use being tolerated you’re worth more than that. The saying “be with people that celebrate and not tolerate you “ is very true. Hard to take, but in time it will get easier.?

It doesn't sound as though her father had much contact with her as a child. You said she was still in primary school so very young and saw her father in birthday,Christmas and holiday. That isn't a long period of contact from a parent . She may have felt rejected and this is still in her mind as an adult. There is always an inner child even when you are grown up.
Maybe his presence was more important than presents.

I don't think you have much of a relationship with your step-daughter to stop, so you need not concern yourself over that.
However, you should not attempt to interfere with your husband's relationship with his daughter, no matter how demanding and ungrateful she seems. Your husband has taken his responsibilities towards her seriously and it doesn't sound as if he wants to break of all contact, however unreasonably she behaves, which is what fathers do.
As to wills, you should sort those out as his daughter would have a claim on his estate and no doubt would apply no matter what the circumstances.

Some female ex partners become very bitter and take revenge by hitting the male in the pocket because they know it hurts (a very sweeping statement and not true in many cases I know, but equally true in many others) It sounds as though SD has been brought up by her Mum to get as much cash/gifts from her Dad as possible.
It is possibly not the daughter's fault.
You must get your wills sorted out, your DH could have a fatal accident at any time and unless his money (and yours) is tied up you could be in a real mess.
However, don't put it quite so bluntly to him, she is his daughter after all, sow the seed and leave well alone. He could get upset if you constantly criticise his daughter, even if he secretly agrees with you.

make sure both your wills etc are well drawn up, having taken legal/financial advice.
he will need to leave something to her, or explain why not in writing, otherwise she could make a claim later, saying it was an oversight in drafting.

I agree with Fleur! Are your finances intertwined? Are you dependent on him financially? Hopefully you’ll have a long and happy retirement but you do need to look ahead as well.

Some of the details sound like my daughter, her father and her step mother.

A lot of my daughters ranting, I ignore. Yes, he always has prioritised his wife/her family when he should have been prioritising his only child, but... that was his choice. Yes, his wife (a stay at home wife) has spent far, far more of his money on her children, instead of his only child. But I can't do anything about those things.

The thing I have really objected to, is that the step mother will use my daughter's fathers phone and reply to the messages my daughter sends to her father. If dad wants to ignore daughter, that's up to him. If he wants to argue with daughter, disagree with her or say no to her, that is his choice. But the step mother should keep out of it. Not her child.

I would not get involved. Regardless of what is going on. Because you can bet your life you will end up being blamed for whatever happens if you do. Leave them to it.

Bashful
If you have not already had both Wills and POA set up - you need to have this conversation with your husband asap.. and put words into action asap... whatever his relationship with his daughter he will surely want to safeguard YOUR future and you his. None of us know what the future holds and once set up these legalities will give you some peace of mind.

Hithere- The Mum and SD are very alike and domineering. From what I’ve been told by my DH’s sibling and him is that her parenting was not appropriate and my DH was never allowed a say. His parenting style is very good as he has been SDad to my grown DD. He has a sensible fair but firm approach. SD’s mother has always let her do what she likes. That was one of the reasons that my DH did not marry her. They did not agree on a parenting style. I have spent some time in SD’s mum’s company and she is right, everyone else is wrong. She has passed that on to her daughter.

Hithere- I don’t interfere between them and haven’t done in the past.

Fleur20 - Sad to say but you are right. This worries me.

I dont know what country you are in, but my knee jerk reaction is to make sure that you have will(s) POA etc in place and property and savings secured for the future... sorry if that sounds mercenary but you have to look after yourself against any future claims...

OP,

1. You clearly have opposite mentalities and dont mesh.
She cannot dictate whom your dh can or not visit, for example. That is totally yabu for her.

3. It is up to your dh and the daughter to manage this situation
A third person will only make it worse

4. The past usually has some input on the future.
The in person relationship with the daughter growing up was infrequent and giving money does not make up for that.
How active was your dh in coparenting his daughter?

Esspee- I agree.

Namsnanny - you are right with what you say. I’m not worried about it from my point of view just worried for the two of them. ?

Oops a daisy- she isn’t a teen. She is almost 30! I do let him deal with her and always have done. I am proud of the fact that he has been a good dad to her. I just don’t want to see him in any more pain. I would love contact again but it can’t always be on her terms.

Grandmabatty - it is the SD that has cut us off not the other way around. We do not want to go no contact. It is her choice. I love my DH and hate to see him suffer - a reconciliation would be the loveliest thing for them both. However, she needs to reign in her awful behaviour towards her Dad as well otherwise there is no point in him putting himself in that position. I speak from concern towards them both. It isn’t my problem.

No YANBU, time to loosen the ties to this one I fear. Wait until she is older when she will, hopefully, grow up.
It doesn’t matter though how short his relationship was to her Mother, he has accepted her as his daughter and you will have to accept that teenagers are an untamed bunch! They usually grow up eventually, but she will be his daughter for all of her and his life so you really have to let him deal with her.

You have the right to mix with who ever you want to, and from what you indicate she's also made a decision about whether she wants to see you.
You'll have time to think this over.
So do nothing and see how you feel in the future.
Doesnt seem as if you need worry about this for now.