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Estrangement

SD cut off!

(28 Posts)
Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 13:34:21

My SD has lived with her Mum at the other end of the country for longer than I’ve known her which is 18 years. She and I got along well to begin with (then a child at primary school). We only saw her in her birthday, for summer holidays and at Christmas/New Year time, so not a lot. My DH has always been good at keeping in contact with her and her mother throughout and also kept up all maintenance payments plus extra on top.
However, she has honestly been the rudest, most self absorbed child/teen/adult I have ever known! I work with children from a deprived area on a daily basis so I should know.
She has always given her Dad orders for ridiculously expensive presents for birthdays/Christmases. He never gets even a card when it’s his birthday, Father’s Day or at Christmas. This upsets him. All he wants is an acknowledgement.
However, lately she has estranged herself from us because she is part of the anti vax brigade and believes all the conspiracy theories about a New World Order. She was on the phone in the beginning shouting, screaming and in tears because she had told her Dad he shouldn’t be getting the vaccine and also dictated who he could and could not visit! She was so insistent with calls and messages about this that in the end he started ignoring them as it was so stressful. However, he did phone her and leave a message saying that he’d like to talk when she was calm and discuss things sensibly. That was a long time ago and it looks like she has cut him off. I also sent her a friendly message and she hasn’t replied.
Thing is, and I know this sounds awful but if something were to happen to my lovely husband I’m almost sure she would be up here trying to get as most money etc out of the situation because that is what she and her Mum are like.
DH and I have been married for nearly 20 years and looking forward to retirement in a few years. He was never married to his daughter’s mum. Had a relationship with her that only lasted a few years.
Any time SD has wanted to come up we have had open house for her and any boyfriend, so I really think she is being unfair. I just want to say, “No!” now to any requests for gifts or staying over with us if she ever decides she wants to re-establish contact again. Am I being unreasonable? AIBU?

Esspee Sat 17-Jul-21 13:41:51

No, you are not being unreasonable but how much better it would be if some time in the future your husband and daughter were reconciled.
As for gifts, time to stop that as she has exploited the situation.

Grandmabatty Sat 17-Jul-21 13:42:50

Yes, you are being unreasonable. She is your dh's daughter and regardless of how you feel about her, cutting her off is his decision or not. It may be that you are concerned for your husband's well being, but it reads more like you are looking for a reason to go no contact. This isn't your problem so my advice would be to stay out of it.

Namsnanny Sat 17-Jul-21 13:44:40

You have the right to mix with who ever you want to, and from what you indicate she's also made a decision about whether she wants to see you.
You'll have time to think this over.
So do nothing and see how you feel in the future.
Doesnt seem as if you need worry about this for now.

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 17-Jul-21 13:44:55

No YANBU, time to loosen the ties to this one I fear. Wait until she is older when she will, hopefully, grow up.
It doesn’t matter though how short his relationship was to her Mother, he has accepted her as his daughter and you will have to accept that teenagers are an untamed bunch! They usually grow up eventually, but she will be his daughter for all of her and his life so you really have to let him deal with her.

Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 14:34:22

Grandmabatty - it is the SD that has cut us off not the other way around. We do not want to go no contact. It is her choice. I love my DH and hate to see him suffer - a reconciliation would be the loveliest thing for them both. However, she needs to reign in her awful behaviour towards her Dad as well otherwise there is no point in him putting himself in that position. I speak from concern towards them both. It isn’t my problem.

Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 14:38:39

Oops a daisy- she isn’t a teen. She is almost 30! I do let him deal with her and always have done. I am proud of the fact that he has been a good dad to her. I just don’t want to see him in any more pain. I would love contact again but it can’t always be on her terms.

Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 14:40:53

Namsnanny - you are right with what you say. I’m not worried about it from my point of view just worried for the two of them. 😢

Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 14:41:30

Esspee- I agree.

Hithere Sat 17-Jul-21 15:29:57

OP,

1. You clearly have opposite mentalities and dont mesh.
She cannot dictate whom your dh can or not visit, for example. That is totally yabu for her.

3. It is up to your dh and the daughter to manage this situation
A third person will only make it worse

4. The past usually has some input on the future.
The in person relationship with the daughter growing up was infrequent and giving money does not make up for that.
How active was your dh in coparenting his daughter?

Fleur20 Sat 17-Jul-21 15:44:34

I dont know what country you are in, but my knee jerk reaction is to make sure that you have will(s) POA etc in place and property and savings secured for the future... sorry if that sounds mercenary but you have to look after yourself against any future claims...

Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 16:37:59

Fleur20 - Sad to say but you are right. This worries me.

Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 16:39:52

Hithere- I don’t interfere between them and haven’t done in the past.

Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 16:46:09

Hithere- The Mum and SD are very alike and domineering. From what I’ve been told by my DH’s sibling and him is that her parenting was not appropriate and my DH was never allowed a say. His parenting style is very good as he has been SDad to my grown DD. He has a sensible fair but firm approach. SD’s mother has always let her do what she likes. That was one of the reasons that my DH did not marry her. They did not agree on a parenting style. I have spent some time in SD’s mum’s company and she is right, everyone else is wrong. She has passed that on to her daughter.

Fleur20 Sat 17-Jul-21 16:48:44

Bashful
If you have not already had both Wills and POA set up - you need to have this conversation with your husband asap.. and put words into action asap... whatever his relationship with his daughter he will surely want to safeguard YOUR future and you his. None of us know what the future holds and once set up these legalities will give you some peace of mind.

GagaJo Sat 17-Jul-21 16:49:12

Some of the details sound like my daughter, her father and her step mother.

A lot of my daughters ranting, I ignore. Yes, he always has prioritised his wife/her family when he should have been prioritising his only child, but... that was his choice. Yes, his wife (a stay at home wife) has spent far, far more of his money on her children, instead of his only child. But I can't do anything about those things.

The thing I have really objected to, is that the step mother will use my daughter's fathers phone and reply to the messages my daughter sends to her father. If dad wants to ignore daughter, that's up to him. If he wants to argue with daughter, disagree with her or say no to her, that is his choice. But the step mother should keep out of it. Not her child.

I would not get involved. Regardless of what is going on. Because you can bet your life you will end up being blamed for whatever happens if you do. Leave them to it.

Kamiso Sat 17-Jul-21 16:50:45

I agree with Fleur! Are your finances intertwined? Are you dependent on him financially? Hopefully you’ll have a long and happy retirement but you do need to look ahead as well.

welbeck Sat 17-Jul-21 17:00:21

make sure both your wills etc are well drawn up, having taken legal/financial advice.
he will need to leave something to her, or explain why not in writing, otherwise she could make a claim later, saying it was an oversight in drafting.

ExDancer Sat 17-Jul-21 17:00:21

Some female ex partners become very bitter and take revenge by hitting the male in the pocket because they know it hurts (a very sweeping statement and not true in many cases I know, but equally true in many others) It sounds as though SD has been brought up by her Mum to get as much cash/gifts from her Dad as possible.
It is possibly not the daughter's fault.
You must get your wills sorted out, your DH could have a fatal accident at any time and unless his money (and yours) is tied up you could be in a real mess.
However, don't put it quite so bluntly to him, she is his daughter after all, sow the seed and leave well alone. He could get upset if you constantly criticise his daughter, even if he secretly agrees with you.

eazybee Sat 17-Jul-21 17:39:11

I don't think you have much of a relationship with your step-daughter to stop, so you need not concern yourself over that.
However, you should not attempt to interfere with your husband's relationship with his daughter, no matter how demanding and ungrateful she seems. Your husband has taken his responsibilities towards her seriously and it doesn't sound as if he wants to break of all contact, however unreasonably she behaves, which is what fathers do.
As to wills, you should sort those out as his daughter would have a claim on his estate and no doubt would apply no matter what the circumstances.

Jaffacake2 Sat 17-Jul-21 18:16:51

It doesn't sound as though her father had much contact with her as a child. You said she was still in primary school so very young and saw her father in birthday,Christmas and holiday. That isn't a long period of contact from a parent . She may have felt rejected and this is still in her mind as an adult. There is always an inner child even when you are grown up.
Maybe his presence was more important than presents.

Allsorts Sat 17-Jul-21 20:17:44

She’s not going to change and it’s about time she wasn’t pandered to any more, if that mean her father has no contact he will have to reconcile himself with the fact she doesn’t care, you don’t treat anyone as she does when you care, no use being tolerated you’re worth more than that. The saying “be with people that celebrate and not tolerate you “ is very true. Hard to take, but in time it will get easier.💐

Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 20:21:54

Thanks all. Yes, we have Wills set up etc already. I do feel for Dad and daughter but as one of you said, there wasn’t much contact because of the distance and my husband working so I guess SD has a certain resentment. Despite what some of you are saying, I do not interfere between them at all. This is why I asked advice on here. I think I’ll just leave them to it. I tend to take on everyone’s worries. 🤦‍♀️

Hithere Sat 17-Jul-21 20:46:02

May I ask if your dh fought for more custody, more say in coparenting, etc?

This estrangement has been in the making for decades.

What I am wondering is why it surprises you

Bashful Sat 17-Jul-21 21:01:35

Hithere- It doesn’t surprise me in the least!