I saw the writing on the wall

I think we'll always struggle to get our heads around what's happened and why GrandPlanFail.

I love your user name. We all had grand plans didn't we, being GP's to our GC and enjoying time spent with our AC, their partners and their children, as you say "how things could have been".

Our plans may have failed but we didn't.

No 0ne should have to stay in a relationship if it makes them unhappy. There is nothing wrong with reaching your limit and saying "enough".

We only have one life to live and if we aren't spending it finding a way to be happy and surrounding ourselves with people we have good loving relation ships with, it's wasted

Thank you @Smileless2012

don't look back on those years, when you tried so hard to put up with the abuse to sustain the relationship, as a failure or a weakness on your part

I no longer do, thankfully. I sometimes struggle to get my head around "why" and think about how things could and should have been. I don't think any of our lives are better for it but I can now genuinely hope she is happy.

You can't put a price on your mental welfare and protecting that is the most important thing you can do.

The passage of time does make a difference doesn't it love0c. I'm glad that your situation isn't affecting you as much a it was.

"jealousy and possessiveness, the need for complete control" is so destructive isn't it Hetty and there's nothing you can do for someone who finds themselves in a coercive controlling relationship, unless the victim can see it for themselves.

Letting "yourself be pummelled to death trying to revive something that is dead" that's very powerful DiscoDancer and true.

That is what I have done for the past year or two now Hetty. Surprisingly, to me, it does not bother me much now either.

love0c, yes, jealousy and possessiveness, the need for complete control. It often stems from deep insecurity. If you let go and refuse to fight back, they can't play that game. Later, they may realise that you were never a threat.

Bless you. I too think you’ve done the right thing. We were the other way round. Difficult parents/ in laws. We baled while the ship was sinking. You sound like you’ve had the foresight to go quicker....so well done.

You’ll reap the benefits later on. When, and I’m sure they will....any future grandchildren want to meet you, you’ll be in a much better place, than if you’d let yourself be pummelled to death trying to revive something that is dead.

I wish you all the very best ?

I think I'd make it very clear that my son (on his own) was welcome to call and/or visit - and blame it on a 'personality clash'. That way, he's free to contact you and communication is potentially open.

You could agree not to discuss his relationship, if that helps. The relationship may not last, after all.

Nicegranny Yes, you think you are doing the right thing is staying quiet and letting 'it' go. You do not want to cause trouble so you say sorry even when it is not your fault. Then later down the line you can't help but wonder if you actually gave that person/persons license to treat you like that? I have no easy answer. I doubt anyone does. However, for you now, I would do nothing for a few weeks. Let the dust settle. everyone needs to calm down and see how you feel then. They may well settle as well and feel differently too? I do hope so for you. Then if things do settle and you continue to see each other, then try to stay neutral. talk only 'chit chat'. Nothing of particular importance and definitely nothing where strong opinions will be needed or put forth. Hopefully, in time she will be less aggressive towards you. Could be jealousy?

GrandPlanFail I'm glad that you have finally found closure ans that your conscience is clear.

Learning to live with estrangement and moving on with your life is so hard. Ours came so quickly that thankfully our list is short. There wasn't much time for the nastiness to be endured and as our eldest GC was just 8 months old when the cut off came, we'd never established a relationship.

To have your 5 year old GD who you'd bonded with taken away from you must have been heartbreaking but don't look back on those years, when you tried so hard to put up with the abuse to sustain the relationship, as a failure or a weakness on your part.

You know you did all you could, you did your best and in the end that's all any of us can do.

It probably doesn't feel like it right now but you have done the right thing. It will be painful but not nearly as painful as it would be if you said nothing and let this behaviour continue and (in my experience) escalate over many years before standing up for yourself. Believe me, I know.

I've been estranged for 4yrs now and although I don't post much, I felt I had to reply when I read your post. Things have happened recently that make me kick myself for not acting sooner and nipping it in the bud. To keep the peace, I took every nasty shot she ever fired at me for a decade before I finally said enough but by that time there was a child involved and it was one of the hardest decisions I think I've ever had to make.

It was heart breaking and so very painful in the early days, the child was only 5 at the time. I've recently discovered that she doesn't remember me at all now and that is a HUGE relief because we had formed such a close bond.

I finally have closure and a clear conscience.

You have put your boundaries in place and now everyone knows where they stand, it might just save the relationship before any children come along so well done!

Keep notes or a diary/journal. Someone told me to make a list of all the things that she'd done to me over the years and how they made me feel at the time, then read it back any time I needed reassurance that I had done the right thing because lines do get blurred with time. There are so many things on that list that I don't even need to read the detail, just to look at the length of the list - don't make my mistake, keep your list short.

roseycheeks ticking bird hithere l hope l haven’t left anyone else’s name out and if l have it’s only because by the time I write a reply l tend to forget names and l apologise if l have. I do appreciate ALL the replies and they are all helping. To take up one reply from hithere yes there is a limited amount of people allowed but it was a case of there’s plenty of room for another and l wasn’t allowed or given the time to ask if l could choose a close friend if my daughter wasn’t allowed to come l was spoken to by son’s fiancé in such a dismissive attitude and lm sick of her disrespect because it seems it’s especially reserved for me.

Could it be there is a limit of people they can invite in the first day?
How long does this first ceremony last?

But not to the first day?

Yes my daughter her husband and children were invited to the wedding party the next day along with all the other guests.

If the sister/daughter of OP is not invited, I can see why it is a problem for the couple to feel forced to allow it under the disguise of "dont want to be alone"

Hithere Absolutely. But the half sister remains irrelevant in any empathetic reply to tge request, on the basis of what the OP has described. That was my point.

Yes the OP could choose another to keep her company, she appears not to have been given that option!

This is the wedding for son and future dil Yes it is and I acknowledged that in my comment up thread!

If the sister/daughter of OP is not invited, I can see why it is a problem for the couple to feel forced to allow it under the disguise of "dont want to be alone"

This is the wedding for son and future dil. OP can pick a different person to keep her company

If her daughter is not invited, there could be a good reason for it.

Was your daughter originally invited to the wedding?

I imagine not Hithere although that is conjecture on my part. But the OP said that the request was made to have her daughter/grooms sister as her "plus one" as clearly she was feeling awkward about standing alone with her divorced parents and their partners who hate each other and my ex husband and his long term partner. I can understand why she might feel awkward being on her own in that situation, it is a human response to a difficult situation depending on a persons confidence etc.

Of course the choice of guests is the bride's and groom's and I get the impression that the OP realises that and that at the end of the day that she has no say in it.

But in the circumstances described her request to avoid being alone standing with the above as described, deserves at least a little understanding and kindness even if being refused. The bride's half sister really wasn't relevant in any empathetic reply even if the reply was no!

OP

Was your daughter originally invited to the wedding?

Dear Velaine thank you for your comforting words of encouragement and understanding. Like all of us here l to feel sad for you.
I have shifted my posts over to the main thread because I wanted to explain more about my story so if you go over you will see l have just posted again.
I appreciate your response and I can’t imagine what this has also done to you , only, for years ? and it’s a copy of mine and so many other’s. I’m only just beginning my sad journey and you have suffered for so long. I live alone and am happy to be single but I hope that you have had your family and good friends to help with your pain. I’m very interested to know how you have coped with being estranged from your son because sometimes l just sit and cry for hours and l can’t snap out of it.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you again and understanding how you feel now.??

Nicegranny I am in an exactly the same situation except my son married her and no matter how nice and polite and understanding i have been its never good enough and twisting everything to make me look like an evil mother its absolutely heartbreaking ive made myself ill over this and after years have progressed to realising we have to just live our life to the best we can there are grandchildren involved tgat we dont see ? and the whole situation is just cruel I never ever could imagine our son doing this its like hes been brainwashed ?‍♀️ so yes i think you have done well to have the foresight to step away earlier it will save you a lot of tears and I am here for you if you want to let off steam x

Madgran77
Thank you for your logical approach to my situation it’s just how I see it. It’s a year until they get married and his fiancé stirred trouble knowing that it would upset me by not allowing my daughter to be my plus one at the official registry office. I would have been standing alone with her divorced parents and their partners who hate each other and my ex husband and his long term partner who there’s not a problem with us. My daughter would need to travel 6,000 miles to be at her brothers wedding and sons fiancé said her 13 year old half sister from her fathers relationship isn’t going and was l saying that my daughter is “more important than her half sister “? As she described her.
The big wedding party is the next day.
This is the moment she escalated her views and then no contact. My son called his sister and was mean to her because she defended me and he didn’t want to listen to anything she had to say. He put the phone down on my daughter then called her back saying “you me and mum are all separate now and we’re done”.
His talking to his sister in this way has upset me because they were close we all were.
A few months ago I had posted saying what I had suspected and it has happened.
Perhaps my son will have more doubts about commitment to his fiancé and maybe he won’t l just hope that whatever he does in his life he is happy.

Im so sorry you're going throught this but you will get great support and help here on this thread lots of wise posters who know exactly how you are feeling.

I agree with all of the above.
Always listen your gut feelings,thats why we have them,sadly our hearts rule our heads alot of the time.

Nicegranny in the end you have to protect yourself and we all have a point of "last straw"! I am so sorry that you have had to put the ball in your son's court to avoid what is happening to you. You are making HIM take responsibility for HIS decisions about HIS relationship with you and HIS relationship with his wife and that is all you can do. I know that others on here with the same experience or who are negotiating life through different and sometimes less extreme versions of what you describe, will offer support, understanding and constructive suggestions when you feel you need them