Gransnet forums

Estrangement

I’m so tired

(39 Posts)
Kwallen Sat 14-Aug-21 11:07:39

My daughter passed away almost 3 years ago, she had 3 children I was very close to and saw or spoke to almost everyday. I have contact with 2 of them, however the father of my 12 year old granddaughter moved her 3 hours away and won’t let me see her. I went to court and got visitation 1 time a month for the weekend. The only problem is I have to drive the whole way to get her and take her home and it is wearing me out. After my daughter passed the father would meet me half way but not now. I just don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this by myself. I am not young and also work a full time job. It is only my husband and I that are allowed to pick her up. The father promised me after my daughter passed that he would make sure my granddaughter was in my life but now doesn’t want her with me at all. Hurt mamaw needs help

MummyA Sat 14-Aug-21 11:23:14

You say that the father used to meet you halfway, Was that during the time you say he didn't allow you to see her?

To be honest with you, I wouldn't be meeting someone halfway that had taken me to court - The court option generally destroys any chance of repairing relationships

Septimia Sat 14-Aug-21 11:26:14

I'm not surprised you find it tiring. Perhaps you could come up with an inventive way of dealing with the problem.

Can you do the journey by train? A railcard might make that cheaper.

How about finding a friendly B&B or hotel near to where your GD lives for you all to stay at and go out to interesting places and discover that area? It's not the same as taking her to your home, but you'd get more quality time together.

Could you afford to buy a static holiday caravan near to where she lives? If it's yours, it's more homely than renting or staying in a hotel. This would cut down on the travelling.

My personal solution would be a small camper/motorcaravan and to take her to some different sites not too far from her home. You could then visit interesting places nearby.

I hope you find a satisfactory solution.

AGAA4 Sat 14-Aug-21 11:26:49

It is difficult when GCs live along way away. Your situation is especially hard as the father is unwilling to help.
I can only suggest that you lessen the visits to something you can manage.
Can you contact your GD by Skype or zoom?
I have a similar situation with 2 of my GS's as it takes 5 hours to travel there to see them. I can't visit as much as I would like as it is a very tiring journey.
I hope you can work something out that makes life a lot easier flowers

silverlining48 Sat 14-Aug-21 12:15:02

Kwalen I am so sorry your daughter died. It’s a terrible thing to have to deal with on its own but having problems in seeing your granddaughter adds to what is already a very difficult situation.
From your post I imagine you are in America where laws etc differ so harder to know what to suggest. Unless he is willing to meet half way you will have to carry on doing it yourselves. Three hours is a long drive but even here in the uk it’s manageable once a month unless you are very elderly/ infirm.
Is there any other way you can get there. Train?
I hope you can resolve this problem.

Jaxjacky Sat 14-Aug-21 12:33:11

Can your husband share the driving with you?

Hithere Sat 14-Aug-21 12:44:41

I am afraid it is your responsibility to keep the bond alive with your gd. If you want to see her, you make it happen, you dont count on others to help you.
It means the father is forced to do this. In my book, the bridge is nuked and done.

Yes, the father promised he would not stop it but things change - disagreements, fights?
You also took him to court, that is very important fact.

I am very sorry for your loss
Math doesnt work for me this morning
Your dd had 3 kids you were very close to but you only talk to 2 of them now
What happened to the third?

Smileless2012 Sun 15-Aug-21 12:58:28

My condolences for the loss of your daughter Kwallenflowers. Some good suggestions have been made already and I hope that you'll be able to find a better way of managing the journey to see your GD.

I totally disagree that it is your responsibility "to keep the bond alive with your gd". She's a minor and therefore this will be impossible to do without the co-operation of your ex s.i.l.

I also disagree that it was wrong of you to go to court to maintain contact. It's your GD's father who is at fault here. The poor girl has lost her mother and the last thing that should have happened was for her to lose her maternal GP's.

I hope you can find a more work able alternative and with your well.

NotSpaghetti Sun 15-Aug-21 13:20:24

Is 3 hours once a month insurmountable?
Can you drive up the night before and stay over?
Can you find an Airbnb to "call your own" one weekend a month?
Is the rule that you must take her home?

JaneJudge Sun 15-Aug-21 13:28:05

Hithere, I think she means she close to the other two - this one not so much because of logistics?

Presumably at 12yo she has some autonomy over her own choices? Could she catch the train?
Could a different access arrangement work (ie see her for one week in school holidays etc)

JaneJudge Sun 15-Aug-21 13:29:19

I think I'd be doing what notspaghetti has suggested though and booking somewhere. PremierInn?

Smileless2012 Sun 15-Aug-21 13:34:38

I don't think any 12 year old would have sufficient autonomy over their own choices, to be able to see their GP's without their parent(s) consent and cop-operation JaneJudge.

If that were the case for the OP, she wouldn't have had to go to court to get access.

Peasblossom Sun 15-Aug-21 17:12:10

Can you and your husband share the driving? Either halfway each or one picks up and the other delivers home.

Honestly I don’t think you can expect her father to meet you halfway. That would eat into his weekend quite a lot and presumably he’s working. For single parents that’s the time you catch up with all the jobs and stuff so that you’re ready for the week ahead. It must have been difficult for him to accommodate you in the past.

It’s very tough. 💐

Hithere Sun 15-Aug-21 17:20:40

OP

Why do you make a 12 hour drive vs a 6 hours? Why overcomplicate this?

Why putting your gd through 6 hours of car drive taking her to your house? That is totally unnecessary.

If I were your exsil, I would be very unhappy about that.
As a person, getting stuck in a car for 6 hours a month for a visit I am forced to go would suck too.

What is more important, spending quality time with your gc or taking her to your house?

Hithere Sun 15-Aug-21 17:22:25

Why would a father make it easier for you when you went to court/mediation to get that visit?

Peasblossom Sun 15-Aug-21 17:28:00

You know, I hadn’t realised the Maths of this. I was just thinking two three hour journeys till hithere said twelve hours.

No wonder it’s wearing you out. I agree with others. Stay in her area for the weekend and see her. At least some of the weekends.

Lucca Sun 15-Aug-21 17:33:03

Hithere

Why would a father make it easier for you when you went to court/mediation to get that visit?

The OP lost her daughter. Have a bit of compassion instead of, as you always do, putting all blame on the grandparent.

Hithere Sun 15-Aug-21 17:38:29

Lucca

When a gp goes to court, an agreement with the parent could not be reached.

We also do not know the background of their relationship.

I have sympathy for all sides. OP is making this way harder than it is

Chardy Sun 15-Aug-21 17:38:34

kwallen So sorry you lost your girl.
Is renting an Airbnb for one/2 nights near to where she is now a possibility? Some want more than one night, but once you've found one you like you could explain that you wish to rent it once a month. You can cook meals, many allow pets.
Good luck

Hithere Sun 15-Aug-21 17:42:19

Lucca
Exsil lost his wife and his child her mother.
OP is not the only one who lost a dear one here.

SueDonim Sun 15-Aug-21 17:43:50

I’m very sorry you lost your daughter, Kwallen and her children lost their mother. That’s so tragic. flowers

I’d consider staying near to your GD’s home on your visits, maybe on alternate months and especially in winter when driving is more arduous. It will cost money but you’d be saving on fuel and wear and tear on your car.

Hithere maybe the father should consider that his child has lost her mother and, from the OP’s description, her two siblings as well. Compounding it with estrangement with her grandparents as well is unlikely to help.

Lucca Sun 15-Aug-21 17:46:05

Hithere “ I have sympathy for all sides”
Doesn’t sound like it,

Lolo81 Sun 15-Aug-21 18:24:52

What does the 12 yo want?

I’ll be honest, at 12 having lost her mum and then being the subject of court proceedings which will no doubt have cost her dad money, doing a long drive for the sake of a visit doesn’t sound ideal.

Maybe ask GD what she wants? How she feels? She’s 12 and will have opinions and feelings - maybe put her at the fore of this?

Ask her if she enjoys the visits the way the happen just now, spending several hours in a car?

As she gets older, I don’t see this as sustainable, what about extra curricular activities, friends, etc? These things will all be based around where she lives.

I agree with others who’ve suggested that maybe finding a way to spend time with GD in the area she resides might be less stressful and more enjoyable for all of you.

March Sun 15-Aug-21 18:34:33

He probably stopped as that's 6 hours out of his weekend.

I'd book a hotel or something for the weekend once a month. 12 hours worth of travelling is too much for anyone.

Hetty58 Sun 15-Aug-21 18:41:23

I think Septimia had some very good ideas that offer solutions. A three hour journey needs an overnight stay for 'recovery' time. If you're determined, it'll work out, then, hopefully, the father may be more cooperative in future.