The shame of being estranged

I understand.
I’m estranged from siblings and feel very embarrassed about it.
I don’t mention it to people in real life.

I am permanently the villain. Although, I have a family of blamers, and everytime they need help. Who do they call? I became tired of their nonsense, mainly due to my own ill health. My life is more peaceful now. I miss the children. But hey ho, my gran wasnt allowed to see us. Must be a family trait . Estrangement

I am estranged from most of my siblings I am not ashamed of it. I am better for not seeing those members of my family and don't regret it. Life is too short for regrets.

I am new to all this. Still feeling very raw, but I have to say I don't feel shame. The shame is theirs fir the way they have treated me.

But....I take your point, I won't be sharing this with the world and his wife. Only a few close friends and my second son know about what's happening.

I'm with Kandinsky. I don't it's a good idea to set ourselves up for the judgement of strangers, colleagues or acquaintances. Best to maintain a discreet and dignified silence.

If your conscience is clear then hold you head up proudly. Look after your own interests and take care of yourself now. You have been hurt enough, don't invite more pain into your life.

I'm estranged from most of my family, with occasional contact with my sister. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm relieved by it.

As with another poster, I was the family scapegoat, the one who had to fix all their problems, and the one who was blamed when I couldn't fix it or if workmen turned up late, and laughed at if I complained about their treatment of me.

No one needs that in their life and I'm quite open about that fact that if certain relatives died, I'd go to their funeral just to make sure they were dead.

SAVVY You made me laugh, re the funerals. I am not having a funeral for myself. Just direct cremation. I certainly dont want them standing over my grave. Lol

I'm estranged from my brother and I miss him dearly but his wife is so jelous, rude, nasty, etc. etc. that it was easier to step away and not put up with her. He knows but she has some hold over him. Oh well.

Does your brother know what's gone on between you and his wife Mishy?

My parents cut me , their only child, and their grandchildren, off without explanation many years ago.

My DDs and my DH know, and one friend. Otherwise, I keep my shameful secret to myself.

It seems quite common for children to take the initiative and estrange themselves from their parents, but I've never found anyone who has experienced it the other way round.

I was very close to my 3rd sister all our live's until she told my son how to conduct his life with his then fiance she was told to mind her own business and it didn't go down well at all,she made sure my other siblings heard her version first and I ended up the bad guy,we have not spoken for 23yrs and do I care ? not one bit .

I feel no shame at all, I felt shame when I was in contact with my very dysfunctional, law breaking family and feel pride at the fact that I grew up along side them and managed to get out. Don't feel shame, look at what you can achieve now you can go it alone.

Hold your head high Harlemshuffle, it's their loss not yours. I hadn't heard of estrangement this way round either. You have your own family now so enjoy them and don't give your parents another thought.

Quite the opposite for me; I'm proud of the fact that, after years of taking their crap and mind games, I very calmly walked out, never looked back and built a whole new life that didn't involve them. Friends knew about it at the time and were supportive because they thought I should have done it sooner but it's rarely referred to now. Water under the bridge.

Harlemshuffle, sometimes people blame someone else rather than look inside at themselves. If you're someone who is insightful and strong, it may be that they felt insecure around you due to issues.

Harlemshuffle, my family said we don't need people like you in our lives. Possibly why I feel shame.

I had issues not knowing what to answer when asked about them

If they are superficial relationships: "they are doing well, thanks"
I dont think they expect a different answer, honestly

If people know me and wonder why they are never mentioned, I may mention we dont get along.

I recognise how lucky I am that I have no concept of what this must feel like. But I am not smug- just lucky.
As far as the outside world is concerned,what your situation is vis a-vis your family, it is none of their business.
Yes there may be anger, yes there will be regret and loss, but there need be no shame. Your burden of sadness is great enough without adding blame or stress.
Never let others tell you how to live your life!

User7777

SAVVY You made me laugh, re the funerals. I am not having a funeral for myself. Just direct cremation. I certainly dont want them standing over my grave. Lol

So glad the pain of my abusive childhood amuses you.

You took that comment the wrong way I think Savvy. You wrote the bit about going to certain peoples funerals with humor, or at least that’s the way it came across., I read it the same way as User7777 did.

Savvy I saw it as a sign of strength and humour too.

As I raised her I know that somehow I must have got something wrong, that’s shameful to me. I feel loss and there is a void in my life, there always will be, she part of me. I do see mine sporadically, but she’s a different person, cold, you used to be warm. However I do have a happy life and no longer hanker after reconciliation, the past hurts to deep now to move on from. The least anyone deserves is a fair hearing and a chance to put things right.
I cannot for the life of me, think why anyone would cut their child out of their lives, unless they were violent or had severe mental illness and mood changes, because with the best will in the world they push every button until your on your knees but they should have tried every way they could to sort out the problems, to cut out little grandchildren their own flesh and blood, beggars belief. The problem is them and one day they will bitterly regret it.
Knitting novice, be happy with what you have, the sound of your parents you all had a lucky escape.

Allsorts

As I raised her I know that somehow I must have got something wrong, that’s shameful to me. I feel loss and there is a void in my life, there always will be, she part of me. I do see mine sporadically, but she’s a different person, cold, you used to be warm. However I do have a happy life and no longer hanker after reconciliation, the past hurts to deep now to move on from. The least anyone deserves is a fair hearing and a chance to put things right.
I cannot for the life of me, think why anyone would cut their child out of their lives, unless they were violent or had severe mental illness and mood changes, because with the best will in the world they push every button until your on your knees but they should have tried every way they could to sort out the problems, to cut out little grandchildren their own flesh and blood, beggars belief. The problem is them and one day they will bitterly regret it.
Knitting novice, be happy with what you have, the sound of your parents you all had a lucky escape.

That is a very heartfelt and insightful post Allsorts

Do people talk about family relationships at work, other than in the most passing fashion. Everyone I ever worked with could have been estranged from their family for all I know, well some I knew had family they saw, but only in the mention that they qould be going to a family wedding or visiting, but we didn't compare everybody's story and take notes.

I agree M0nica which was why I said there need be no shame or guilt or blame.
Unless anybody made a point of telling me, I would have had no idea of the family relationships of work colleagues or anybody else.