I don't know if I have been estranged or not !

Your daughter seems absolutely fine with receiving money and gifts from you, but not responding so, if it was me, I'd stop the money and gifts and just send cards!
That way you're still offering your love, but saying you're fed up of being used!!
You could ask the other 2 daughters and your sister round for a meal or drinks, all together, THEN ask them outright what is going on, why she's doing this and why she won't just tell you herself? They know something you don't and it could possibly be something huge that you didn't realise affected her, or something really small that you overlooked as meaning a great deal to her!
I am assuming you didn't just up and move when you did, and that you had discussed the move with your daughters, so I really can't see that being the issue unless she wishes she had spoken up at the time!
Please let us know how things go.

I have discovered on YOUTUBE this week Sally Harris-Moms of Defiant ADULT kids Expert she give simple clear tips on problems with our adult children absolutely amazing hope this helps

Normandygirl, I am very sorry for your pain, reading your post has moved me to make my very first comment here. Ive watched long lost family tonight on tv, and seen the anguish of people trying to trace their birth mothers & the absolute job they all feel when they finaly meet, is amazing. Then to read that you, like me have been cut off by your child, its so unfair, heartbreaking. The child you carried for 9 months, gave birth to, spent your every waking hour loving & rearing to adulthood. Chooses to blank you, shame on her. Im sorry I have no advise to offer except to say I feel your pain.

Dear normandygirl What an awful situation for you. I think those who are still in contact with her, your husband, sister, your other daughters, need to do more to breach the gap. Explain to her how much you are hurting. Possibly arrange some sort of meeting or contact so you can discuss both sides of story.

I lost my mum when I was a child. I would have given anything to spend some time with her during those years. Your daughter will regret in future years not healing this hurt. Wish you the best, ?

I'm in a similar situation my son hasn't spoken to any of his family for nearly 10 years, he met someone who turned out to be very controlling and such a liar . For years I agonized about it and tried my best to solve the situation but to no avail then 3 years ago I decided to give up he's a grown man of 50 life is to short too worry myself to death about him and now I feel ok about it I let it go

Some of the comments here have really resonated with me. Lock down has made a lot of distance vetween us and people we used to see often and its also impacted mental health in ways we probably aren't even aware of yet.

I think that perhaps I was wrong to suggest a last letter but maybe say that you will respect her wishes if that is what she wants but first you need to speak to her and you are willing to listen. Feelings aren't always what and where they should be and as her mum maybe you can show her that you are willing to listen to and respect her feelings without judgement until things become better between you and you are both strong enough to listen to each other.

My first born (I have three daughters) has had issues with depression and anxiety and alcohol for many years. Some decisions she has made about her life have messed things up for her and she has had a few disappointments and the horse she rented and was responsible for except for Vet fees the owner decided was costing too much for Vets Fees and insurance as he had a chronic ongoing conditions so had him PTS. All this made things worse and she then started blaming me for all her wrong decisions because of some things that happened to her in her early teens. Some of which I was not even aware of. We had a few years where she was very nasty and aggressive to me so now I just talk about things that are current and I wait for her to call me. Things have been better but she still doesn't invite me into her house if I have to go and get signatures etc.

I think jealousy is at the root of the problem. It is a powerful emotion and I think your DD suffers because of it and would rather just avoid the issue by creating another reason (your fault) for her feelings. I am not a psychiatrist but maybe you should consult one?
I had a late baby and the older ones were fine with it apart from the eldest. They have never got on and probably haven't spoken to eachother for a year. They are all adults.

I cant understand why she is still in contact with your husband. Have you spoken to him about it? Surely you would discuss it with him and ask why she doesnt have contact with you. It sounds as if your husband and daughter know why but for some reason keep it from you. If it was my husband I would be furious with him. I would expect him to speak up for me. I think theres something you are not telling.

I feel the last 18 months has caused a lot of mental health issues from losing Loved Ones whether expected due to long term ill health, or suddenly from any cause also from not being able to connect with your 'support' group of friends and then the divisions caused by the 'ins and outs ' of covid. It's really not surprising that some of us are finding it difficult to reconnect.

I echo what others have said - maybe hold out an olive branch by inviting her to visit. then you can talk face to face and try to sort things out. But I would make it clear that moving away when she was in her 30’s is not exactly abandonment of your parental duties and it’s immature and selfish to view it that way - you have your own lives. In the meantime, no more financial help. If she feels abandoned, or whatever her take on it is, then it’s hypocritical of her to continue to accept cash and gifts. And she rings and asks your husband for help, but can’t even make contact after a cancer diagnosis. FFS !!!

Elless

Hi Normandygirl, you are in the same boat as me, being ghosted when you haven't got an idea of what you've done, if you're anything like me you torture yourself going through different reasons that could explain their behaviour. I've decided that I am going to write one final letter asking for an explanation and telling them that if they want to estrange me that is their choice but I'll always be here for them - just trying to pluck up the courage.

I've literally just done the one last chance thing via text o my DS who has always been so close despite his brother And nasty partner (really is) ghosting me for 4years now with zero contact/photos/news of DGC TOO! Now my dearest has fallen foul of an'otherhalf"who's convinced him to refuse covid vax (he's 40) and she has ghosted me 3timesnow in last 4 years , mighty strange behaviour so I decided to apologize for everything awful I've done and told him I love him dearly , respect his choices and have a permanently open door BUT: I'm not going to attempt contact again and he should feel no obligation to contact/visit he chooses not to. Three days on- silence!! Ah well! I've done it now and really don't feel that bad-yet, there's time. We can only do our best they're adults and I'm fed up of begging for their attention!

Welbeck I strongly agree with what you say. Childhood may well hold the answers and a way ahead is through a willingness to listen and understand, not through seeking anyone to blame (including yourself) It might help to look for someone with insight in family dynamics, and contact a family therapist to see if they can help - the OP could talk to such a therapist on her own at least initially, to help her find some more clarity and equilibrium. I wish her well and for all others facing issues like this I hope for a happier way forward.

My two boys are quite close and keep in touch with one another, their younger sister rarely sees them or any other family members. I don't see very much of any of them as they are adults and have their own lives and their own problems to solve and paths to follow. I always send them cards, presents for birthdays, Christmas, Easter I am sure as time goes on they will find time for me but if they don't that is their choice, I am their mother not their keeper.

In my opinion your daughter is being very silly and childish. Why does she contact your husband when needs must - doesn't she feel he has abandoned her ?
I wouldn't continue to send cards or anyone else because she is very rude not acknowledging your gifts.
Cut contact and she may decide to stop playing silly games.

we have a neighbour that has 2 sons - there is a third but he has ignored both parens for years. Whilst she still says she has 3 boys , I don't think he is part of the family. No reason has been given as to why he does not want to be part of the family . Even when his father died - no contact. the other 2 boys ( now grown men) are nice so I don't think it is parenting but just a spoilt selfish man

i wonder if these abandonment issues go back to her childhood.
she may not even realise herself why she feels as she does now.
the inner self is constantly present, overlaid by recent experience and activites, busy-ness.
but the small child is still there, inside, with the feelings of that era. these feelings are rarely understood or identified at the time, let alone years later. but they can pop up unbidden.
the age difference suggests that just as she was entering all the turmoil of adolescence, you would have been much occupied with the total care needed by a baby.
maybe she felt/feels that your attention was all taken up with the baby, and that you assumed she was a self-carer by then, overlooking the subtle needs of an unsure and muddled teenager ?
this may all be poppycock of course.
but i think it is pointless to see this situation in terms of rights and wrongs, justice, fairness etc or selfishness.
if you love her, just concentrate on that, on acceptance, with a humble attitude. life is so brief, as others have mentioned.

This all sounds very odd to me.

If I have understood you correctly your second daughter is on good terms with her aunt, your sister, and with one of her own sisters. If this is so, surely one of the two can exxplain exactly what is going on.

I realise your eldest daughter has said her sister was offended when you moved some years ago, but that cannot surely be the only thing.

Two years is a long time to neither hear from nor see a daughter.

Are you and your husband at odds about this? I am puzzled why he still helps this daughter out with money (which I am guessing is never returned) and legal advice, even although she had not the decency to get in touch when her father was diagnosed with cancer.

Did she actually know about his illness? And if so, how - through her sisters or aunt or what?

Where is your younger daughter in all this?

Hope you don't feel these questions are impertinent, but you have left so much out that it is difficult to advise you.

In your place, I would start by discussing this problem with your husband and try to work out what you both think you should do,

Then ask her for an explanation if you haven't already done so, or try to get a reasonable explanation from one of the members of the family this woman actually talks to.

I would also stop sending money, gifts, cards, e-mails or phoning her, as she obviously wants no contact with you.

It must be hard when you have no idea what you did or said, but if she will not explain then I am afraid you will have to just accept that there is no contact between you.

I am slightly concerned this may be a mental issue with her particularly post lockdown.

A lot of people are showing some kind of PTSD behaviour and if you have not been part of her life you have no idea how she coped or what was going on. I would make no demands on her, no last letters etc. just keep in contact maybe by email sending her news and love with no expectation that she will reply. That way you keep the door open for when she is ready.
I wouldn't hassle her siblings about her behaviour even if they are in contact as they will come to resent your contact time together always being about their sister. By all means ask in passing if all is well with her but no more.
I'm sure she will come back to you but try not to build walls which make her return more difficult.

mrsgreenfingers56

You are entitled to move to where you want! Surely this can't be the reason, I think you need to have a chat face to face and ask her nicely why there is no proper contact. My friend has moved many times over the last few years and other friends but they haven't been ghosted by their children. I think there is a deeper reason to this and you need to approach your daughter in a gentle manner and ask her why. What does your youngest daughter think or know? I hope you can sort this problem out and all the best.

It can be the reason. Adult children can be funny creatures. My son cut me out of his life. His sister told me he hadn’t forgiven me for not going to his engagement party. I was ill in bed at the time ?‍♀️

You refer to him as "my husband" rather than her father, so could make a wild guess that living with him had something to do with your move.
She was an adult then , but it doesn't explain why she has now decided to break off contact with you does not really make sense!
She is happy to , in my opinion. abuse your husband by only contacting him when she wants something from him and no doubt he does help her to try and keep communication open.
Is there any way that your sister can arrange a meet up between the three of you? Maybe so that your daughter is not aware that you will be there?
Sadly, unless you can see her face to face, I don't think you will ever get a full explanation or a chance to give your side of the story.

JadeOlivia your advice is spot on. Taking control and
ownership of the issue creates the boundaries that this daughter appears to need.
Making it clear that it is the behavour rather than the person that she finds unacceptable.
Emphasizing that she will always love her daughter but that the current situation cannot continue. When her daughter feels ready for a proper and respectful grown up relationship she will be only too pleased to start afresh.

As many suggest I would write her a letter leaving the door open for her to contact you. At least you are fortunate in that you know she is alive etc through other family members.

I have an estranged son who fell in love and disowned his whole family. I will never forget the words of a neighbour - life is but a book you have reached the end of a chapter. You must now turn the page and begin a new chapter, One day your son will return , only you know if you can forgive him but you will never forget.

I appreciate how hard it must be but you have to get on with your life.

Caleo I think you are exactly right . My hubby is estranged from our step son - I sort of know why and what he says and thinks about the situation that caused it is a completely different version to the one I know ! Stupid waste of time - it always ends in tears.

This is heart breaking for you and I feel for you and hope something will change. I think its hard to know what is really happening psychologically for your daughter - and I am not saying this in the spirit of 'who is right and who is wrong' as this approach seems to me to close doors, not open them. If she has abandonment feelings, it may be that the move triggered such feelings from her childhood and she doesn't know how to resolve them, or even doesn't understand them herself and she associated her feelings to your moving when she was an adult, because she didn't understand their real origin. Sorry if this sounds complicated ! And of course I can not really have any idea what is going on - these are just ideas which occurred to me. If you think these thoughts might be relevant, you might want to talk, on your own, with a family therapist, who might help you get more clarity and might help you work out a plan to move ahead on this painful situation. I wish you a good way ahead.