Why do I torture myself

It's happened now hasn't it; Elless' son got married without his parents there. The time to have discussed it in a reasonable manner was lost when her son told his dad 'well don't come then'.

If his parents being at his wedding was that important you'd have thought that would have been more important than his dad buying a suit rather than hiring one. It looks as if it wasn't.

TBF she has considered his feelings which is why, when she saw him yesterday, she apologised. Unfortunately he didn't reciprocate.

Also I do think it's important that Elless consider that and her sons feelings or sadly this hopeful reconsiliation may not happen. One special event missed is leading to many others and its just nit worth missing them when an apology might change things.

I do think you have a point JaneJudge because as I remember, Elless and her husband weren't asked to help with wedding costs.

When I was a bridesmaid and matron of honour, I bought my dress and definitely couldn't have hired a matching one. Suits may seem very similar but they aren't.

It does seem a small thing to fall out over and I would have just purchased the suit, a son (hopefully) only marries once and its a very special event. It seemed to really matter to him. I would have just agreed to be part of such a special day

It also wasn't the Dad's wedding or the Mum's. It's often not about us anymore. It is how it is supposed to be

I think he should have just gone along with it as a 'oh well you only get married once' thing. Don't we all bite our tongue around weddings?*

*I had a very simple wedding with no dress code, it was very low key but I watch on in horror at how others get consumed with their wedding. As a parent, even a frustrated one, I'd have just bought the suit to keep the peace. They've now missed their sons wedding forever over a suit (I realise it is more complicated but that is what the focus was on)

I am mindful that elless is upset too and most probably stuck in the middle of her son and husband.

Why should he have bought a blue suit JaneJudge? Elless' husband was more than happy to hire one so why should their son insist he buy one or not go to the wedding?

The son was behaving in a petty way so if his wedding day was spoiled, he has no one to blame but himself. What business is it of his or anyone's for that matter, whether or not the suit was easily affordable?

I'm sure he wouldn't take kindly to be being told by his parents how to spend his money, so what gives him the right to tell his parents how to spend theirs?

I agree that it's a good sign that you've talked Elless but it is concerning that you felt he was hard, especially as you spent the entire conversation in tears.

All GP's know they need to have a relationship with the parents of their GC in order to have a relationship with their GC, which is why P's always hold the ace. However, that doesn't mean that the unacceptable should be accepted for fear of not being allowed to see our GC.

The ball is in his court now. It's a shame if your absence spoiled his wedding day but that was of his making, not yours or your DH's.

He knows you're due to go into hospital so fingers crossed he contacts you to wish you well.

I think your husband should have bought a blue suit, you had the money to fly to Ireland to avoid your feelings around the wedding, he could have afforded to buy a blue suit. I can see why your son is angry, it's petty

Is it right to presume that he doesn't have a great relationship with his Dad? Sorry if that's incorrect.

Could you/he maybe separate the relationship he has with his dad and you?

I think its a good sign he talked, he could of walked by. Atleast you've had a chat and you both know where each other stands.
Both of you need time to reflect on what each other has said.

I hope it goes well.

That made me very sad i stood crying for the whole conversation
Try and take some good from the encounter, ? he did stop and talk, that was better than just walking past you, wasn’t it? ?

Elless the best way to have a good relationship with your little grandson is to have a good relationship with his dad so maybe just letting this go for now will help and you always have a place to vent your feelings here until the relationship is back on firm ground again.

It would be such a shame if at least one of you doesn't make a start in putting this behind you and while you might not agree his feelings about the wedding are valid they are very real to him and an approach that takes that seriously would be needed to get things back on track.

Well done for containing your anger Elless.

I think it is a shame that your son could not show appreciation of your apology and of your acknowledgement of misunderstandings. At least you have shown your willingness to talk it all through which is positive. From what you say it seems this is a one way street back at the moment; for whatever reason your son is not reciprocating the talk it over/apologise for misunderstanding approach.

I also think it is wise to let him process the conversation you had, the feelings that has brought up for him...just as you need to process the feelings this has brought up for you. You have left the ball in his court, giving him the choice to take it forward as he sees fit (or not) and therefore you are sticking to his wishes as you understand them to be. It appears that you are caught up in trying to second guess/work out what is wanted which is hard for you so best to leave next steps (or not) up to him.

Focus on your health and I hope that it doesn't get cancelled again.

It's a lot for you to process Elless. Of course you're upset and it must have been hard for you to keep your anger under wraps yesterday.

That's why we're here. You can talk about your anger with us. Your GS like so many GC is as you say the real casualty. Were you able to give him a hug? I can't imagine how it must have felt to look up and see that precious little boy for the first time.

Thanks Smiles, I am just trying to process everything at the moment, one moment I'm upset, the next I'm angry. At least I got to meet my grandson finally, it's a shame that he's the real casualty in all this because he is missing out on so much.
Janejudge if you scroll back a page or so you will see what was said.

Oh Elless I am sorry.

I hope you didn't take that rubbish about his wedding day being spoiled and having to explain to everyone why you weren't there, to heart.

He knew what to say; 'my mum and dad aren't here because my dad wanted to hire a blue suit rather than buy a blue one for the wedding because he wouldn't wear it again. I told him if he wouldn't buy one, not to bother coming which us why neither of them are here.'

I mean that's what happened isn't it. It was his decision and what did he expect you to do, go without his father? He has no right to be angry or hurt. What happened was of his own making. If he's old enough to be a husband and father, he should be old enough to take responsibility.

I agree that the ball's in his court and hope that you'll be able to leave it there until hopefully, he contacts you. You're clearly willing to talk this through, you've apologised yet he hasn't even had the decency to reciprocate.

Work on this particular bridge needs to be started by him and I hope he'll have the good sense to begin work sooner rather than later.

In the meantime please try to not let this get you down as you await surgery. Take care and stay strong x.

I think for now it would be best to let him move through those feelings Elless as he probably needs to process his hurt before he can deal with yours by the sounds of it.

Also I wouldn't sit and wait for some sort of next move on his part, it's unnatural. Take things slowly but bridges don't build themselves.

I'm sorry you are so upset but can see he most probably was angry you didn't go to the wedding. Hopefully now the ice has been broken you may eventually be able to sort things out? I would just take your time.

Can I ask why he didn't want his Dad there?

I was out walking the dog yesterday and (embarrassingly) had my head buried in my phone only to look up and see my ES was standing right in front of me with my grandson. I was totally shocked when he just said hello, we ended up talking for nearly an hour and I now know that he still expected me to come to his wedding without his dad and was upset that I didn't, he said it spoiled the day him having to explain to guests why I wasn't there. I pointed out to him that before the wedding he did contact each of his brothers and actually said 'even though Mum and Dad won't be coming to the wedding can you confirm that you will still be coming' so as far as I was concerned he did not want me there.
I stood crying for the whole conversation, I even asked him for a hug which he said felt wrong. I apologised for the misunderstanding and making him feel uncomfortable on his wedding day and asked him if he was sorry for hurting me but he brushed it off. He was very stand offish and it was all me me me, at no point did he show any feeling. Before we parted I asked him if he still had my email address and phone number, which he had, I suggested we both go home and process everything we had said and I if he wants to meet somewhere on neutral ground for a coffee and another talk to contact me. I did say he has got some breathing space because I have got another date for my operation so I wouldn't be able to meet until the new year (if it isn't cancelled again) so the ball is in his court again but I cannot get over how hard he was, it wasn't my lovely son he seems to have changed so much.

Summerlove

Hithere

I don't think villages are lost - parents now choose who is part of that village
For childcare
For babysitting
For education
Etc.

I agree.

They are now also able to remove “villagers” who they feel are unsafe or unwelcome.

This feels like progress to the autonomy so many want

Smileless It looks as if I quoted all Summerlove posted, less "I agree"

Removing extraneous "unwelcome villagers" is desired by many. Many estrangements may be just that, removals and autonomy so many want. I find that clear.

Summerlove

Smileless2012

My apologies Summerlove it appears that your post quoted by Norah is part of a longer post so has been taken out of context, giving it an entirely different 'meaning'.

I appreciate the apology. Thank you.

I agree it doesn’t matter how many sons you have if you lose one. I was just curious for context.

Smiles to the rescue again

Smiles to the rescue again

My apologies Summerlove it appears that your post quoted by Norah is part of a longer post so has been taken out of context, giving it an entirely different 'meaning'.

I would ignore it if I were you Elless, says a lot about those who've made these posts. IMO the quoted post from Summerlove is particularly unpleasant and unnecessary in the context of this thread.