Toxic Mother

It’s certainly time to stand well back. If distancing yourself from her helps you to see any good things about her, then stay in touch. If all it brings you is relief then you know what to do. No one is beholden to an abuser, even a Mother.
Good luck.

You've managed so far, so obviously you're not being totally destroyed by her behaviour. Bearing that in mind, to try and make it fair and reasonable, try to work out who would suffer most: you by going on seeing and talking to her, or her by you breaking off contact. Go for the way that causes the least nett suffering.

I agree with grandmabatty, I doubt you will regret it, you will feel free for the first time ever.
Have no guilt, it is not your fault.
My mother is in her nineties, and in reasonable health, my children and grandchildren still visit, she never mentions me, which is fine.
Sometimes I surprise myself at my lack of feeling for her, but this isn’t what I wanted, it’s what she forced me into, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t see it like that though.

I am so sorry that so many Gransnetters seem to have horrid mothers. Having had a very loving mother myself and believing myself to have been one also to my three girls, I simply cannot understand or identify with this behaviour. I agree with what someone said above - that she must be a vety unhappy/depressed person. How awful to think how much better your life will be when she dies but she has brought this on herself. It is her problem, not the OP's.

Do we have the same Mother Cut the ties she only has herself to blame and DONT FEEL GUILTY

The Grey Rock treatment sounds a good start. But if that doesn't give you relief, do not be held back by guilt - even though in general its meaningful and human to care for our parents. But this does not mean you should volunteer for being abused - better for her too to lose the opportunity to be abusive. So, if Grey Rock doesn't work, you could explain calmly (in a letter if saying it feels too hard) that you are not ready to hear more of her abusive words and are therefore no longer going to see her, for your own wellbeing. This would be a strong and appropriate thing to do - think of anyone else you care about and you will see that you'd wish them to walk away from abuse and you'd value the strength they showed in doing so.

Yet again I am out of kilter with Grans Net. I accept that your mum has never been easy but I do think she is displaying signs of mental impairment and once this starts you are in this mad loop where you can be hurt and upset and she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. Who is checking on your mum and Caring for her? UTI often presents as mad and aggressive behaviour in the elderly. Maybe a word with her GP which I do understand is easier said than done and in a few minutes of chatting to her they would be able to say - yes this is a mental problem but less just check her wee in case. Someone needs to care for her and I don't think if you and your brother have stuck it so long you will be able to walk away and leave it to someone else.

This is really good advice, for me too. Thankyou x

Agree with violetskye advice. If you just walk away, when she passes you will likely feel guilty. Practice non-engagement. When she says something hurtful or inappropriate do not engage- change the subject. Cut visit short. Consider getting some counseling for yourself for more coping techniques?

Walk away she is not worth your mental well being.Why worry about making the right choice for the family just make the right choice for yourself!

You story is familiar to me. The last words my mother said to me before she died was ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day’. She then turned her head in a sulk. She was in hospital, and I had had a long, tiring drive from going to a relative’s funeral, and not in brilliant health myself. Even in her will she sowed dissent between my siblings and me (I helped her most but they ganged up on me). I don’t miss her or them.

This is such an awful situation. I wonder if you have thought of discussing it with a therapist? You say that you have spent your life "walking on eggshells" around your mother; it might be worth getting some professional help to think about why this has continued for so long, and to get support with your next step.

#Gampsy My mother was similar to yours. I come from an Irish catholic family and my brothers were always more important then my sister and I. I lived with from when my brother was born when I was a year. Spent my childhood and early teens saving pocket money to buy her gifts and eventually gave up. I probably 'divorced' her numerous times over the years. Sometimes I called her but more often that not she eventually called me. We came to a sort of truce in the last 3 years of her life when she became more infirm but I did it to help my brother. I don't think she ever liked me very much but I think she realised she needed me towards the end of her life. I just thought it was very sad because of all the wasted years.

I think if your mother was toxic you’d not be alive. It’s toxic language, hate speech.

VioletSky’s suggestions sound v sensible. You won’t be abandoning your mother at her most vulnerable but you will be refusing to allow her toxic attitude to continue to poison your life.

#Gampsy I meant to say there is some good advice on here but sometimes walking away for your own peace of mind is what you need to do. For a while at least.

You have my deepest sympathy with your situation. My father was just like your mother, and also became worse and far more demanding and all the things you mention when my mother died. I got brave when I couldn’t cope anymore and I didn’t speak to him or communicate for 6 months. I used to speak with him daily. I had some therapy and then after 6 months I wrote to explain to him why I’d been ignoring him. I then went to see him and from that day on, whilst he was t a bundle of fun, he never treated me badly again and stopped being so demanding and abusive. This enabled me to be the daughter I wanted to be and feel love for him again which I’m glad happened before he died.
Grey rocking is also worth a try, I and my family do that with my covert narcissistic most unpleasant DIL.
It works to a Degree and might for you.
Good luck and don’t beat yourself up whatever you do...you have by the sounds of it been a wonderfully attentive caring daughter.

I had a difficult relationship with my Mum.who died 8 years ago now. I was the closest daughter and gave support to her as best I could. My sisters really did very little by comparison. As mum grew nearer her death, I was already ill myself and becoming much more intolerant. I guess I was also starting to assert myself in relation to her. But what I want to say is, your mum is a product of her upbringing! You are a product of HER upbringing. I think the word 'toxic' is bandied about much too freely in today's society. I really do. Has it occurred to you that your mum is now quite elderly and there is quite likely to be a degree of cognitive impairment affecting her now? Personally.I would be encouraging her to have a general health check up. Prior to said appointment I would be communicating to her Doctor that you have concerns about her mental health - aggressive outbursts, low mood and wishing she were dead etc. Just say you are worrying that she seems to be deteriorating. It may be she has had very long.standing mental health issues which have never been properly addressed. Appropriate treatment may help her to move out of her current mindset. I don't think it would be right to estranged her at this point in her life. I miss my mother every day of my life.

Dodi49

Unfortunately this is only one side of the story. Entitled children are the norm now. I bet these two will be there for the money in the end. Very sad.

what !
where did that come from ?

entied children are the norm now Really?

i find dr les carter on youtube very helpful.

Hi all I can say is I was in a similar situation to yourself only with one of brothers and my mother toxic wasn’t the word. She blamed me for having to marry my dad. I knew when he was alive she didn’t like me. My dad always tried to make up what she never did. When he died she had nothing to lose. Well cut along story short. I walked away 25yrs and never looked back. Like they say you can pick your friends but not your family but doesn’t mean you have to stick with them. You will feel better for it. I also moved away for a fresh start.

The only thing I felt I was entitled to was a mother who loved me and was someone who made me feel safe.

I haven't had the best example of how to parent but I certainly have tried to be those things for my children, even if I don't agree with them or they push the limits of my patience. I love them and I am a person they can come to for any reason, be heard and feel safe.

They have been encouraged to be themselves, take risks, form their own opinions, treat others with kindness and I've only ever asked for them to try their best but not so hard it hurts.

I don't think children these days feel entitled but I do think they know what they deserve from a parent and they are right.

Your life is and has been affected by your mother's behaviour for a long time. You know yourself that if this was anyone else you would give them short shift . Take a break from it all. If you can't make a clean break reduce your contact and then end it. The old adage if you can pick your friends but not your relations comes to mind.

I agree wholeheartedly with Grey Rock treatment.