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Have had to have contact with my mother

(34 Posts)
freedomfromthepast Wed 29-Sep-21 00:32:26

I have had to be in contact with my mother recently. Long story but I am the one person in the family who cares for my grandmother, though my father is the POA. Unfortunately, my father does nothing, so any time I need to discuss my grandmother's care, I have to talk to her. I am actually shocked by how unsettling it has been for me. I know who she is and what to expect too.

Every word I speak, I know will be used against me in the future, even though she has no power over me. She already tried to start drama a few weeks ago. My uncle (another do nothing son) was in town and they all met up for lunch. In the middle of a restaurant, she had a meltdown because he mentioned my name. In public. I wasn't even there, it was literally just the mention of my name.

I know this is temporary, but fighting with her for the best interest of my grandmother means I have to be in contact with her. I will be glad when my grandmother is moved into assisted living and all her belongings are taken care of so I will no longer be accused of stealing money, jewelry or anything else.

I don't need advice, I am just hoping that putting it out in the universe will let my brain go of it some and remind myself that it is temporary and in the best interest of my grandmother.

crazyH Wed 29-Sep-21 00:37:20

I have no advice for you, but just wanted to show, I have read your post and feel for you. Your last 3 lines make perfect sense. Good luck !

freedomfromthepast Wed 29-Sep-21 00:54:09

Thank you crazyH.

Teacheranne Wed 29-Sep-21 01:08:21

You just keep reminding yourself about why you are having to make contact, you are a good person to look after your grandmother despite the difficulties. In time, your life will move on, your grandmother will be settled in new accommodation and you can begin to heal.

Look after yourself

freedomfromthepast Wed 29-Sep-21 02:10:52

Thank you teacheranne.

I feel so blessed to have such a close relationship with my grandmother. It is especially important because I do not have a relationship with my mother any longer.

I do know that everyone else cares about the money, but no one else has the relationship that I do with her and that is priceless.

Also, to other posters, I don't want anyone to think I dropped this and ran. I am in the US so I will be sleeping (hopefully) and you will all have been up for hours. LOL

Grandmabatty Wed 29-Sep-21 08:40:44

Who told you that your mother had a meltdown at hearing your name? That's not helpful to you. I would stop instantly anyone who tries this in the future and tell them you don't want to hear. Does your mother use email? You could set up an email account just for her and ask someone to check it to avoid unpleasant messages. Similarly with your phone. Don't reply to anything except concerning your grandmother. Mumsnet calls it grey rock. Good luck.

Smileless2012 Wed 29-Sep-21 09:26:12

Keep in mind that you are taking care of your grandmother freedomfromthepast.

Picture yourself as a beautiful swan, serene and calm on the surface with all the work and stress happening under the water that your mum can't see. Only let her see what is above the water and not what's going on below; the turmoil you feel inside.

Picture any outbursts like rain, making you wet but washing over you and unable to penetrate.

Now you've started this thread, you have a place to come and off load any of the negativity that contact with your mum leaves you with. flowers.

Barmeyoldbat Wed 29-Sep-21 09:37:31

I have read your post and I wish you well. Look after yourself.

sodapop Wed 29-Sep-21 09:54:16

I agree with others freedomfromthepast you are doing everything you can for your grandmother and that is the important thing. Avoid contact as much as you can with the other family members as Grandmabatty said and continue helping. You are doing the right thing, I wish you well.

JaneJudge Wed 29-Sep-21 10:00:17

It sounds like you are coping really well smile good for you flowers

Sago Wed 29-Sep-21 10:55:20

I understand, my late mother was a narc.
She was such a great actress, she told so many lies about me.
Sadly, she was believed so I have many family members who have a very low opinion of me.
You will never win, no contact is the only way.

Smileless2012 Wed 29-Sep-21 11:35:37

I agree Sago that "no contact is the only way* but unfortunately for freedomfromthepast when it comes to caring for her much loved GM, no contact with her mother isn't an option.

freedomfromthepast Wed 29-Sep-21 14:31:29

Yes, I would prefer no contact. And have been for several years. And I will return to it eventually. And the fact is, she has put my children and I through so much abuse, this is nothing in comparison.

After sleeping on it, I do feel a bit better. I think it was helpful to put it here to give it recognition so I can let it go easier.

Thank you all!

Smileless2012 Wed 29-Sep-21 14:43:35

You know we're here if you need to talkflowers.

M0nica Wed 29-Sep-21 14:56:45

My every sympathy, freedomfromthepast. it must be very difficult for you, but as others say come and rant, or as we say on our family emote, whenever you want. We will all soothe you as much as we can flowers wine

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 29-Sep-21 16:59:10

It sounds like you’re doing everything right, and that will make people angry. You keep rising above it. Your granny is lucky to have you, as you are her.

I hope it resolves quickly for you.

Chardy Wed 29-Sep-21 18:42:13

Hang in there freedomfromthe past ❤❤

VioletSky Thu 30-Sep-21 15:50:15


I know you can't wait to go no contact again but I actually think this will be amazing for you until then. You are proving to yourself and to her that she has no control over you.

You are incredibly strong and this is a wonderful thing you are doing for your grandmother.

My brother has been hassling me again after 3 years with no contact. He said that if I don't respond in emails he will "pop up to remind me he is here".

They do like to remind me they exist and how "important" they are.

I told him that neither he, mum or my stepdad have any control here and blocked him. He will find the front door firmly shut in his face if he does turn up.

Any way we can grow our confidence and overcome these people is a positive against their negative

freedomfromthepast Thu 30-Sep-21 22:43:59

Thank you all for your lovely words of support.

Hithere Thu 30-Sep-21 23:03:36

Could your father transfer the POA to you?

Honestly, this triangulation (your father hiding behind your mother) is not healthy and depending on how long your grandmother lives, it may impact more than you think.

Protect yourself.

freedomfromthepast Fri 01-Oct-21 02:45:30

I tried to get the medical POA. Unfortunately, during the process grandma wanted to put my mother in the mess. I finally refused. I will not put myself in the line of fire of my abusive mother for anyone. Not even my beloved grandmother.

At the end, I had to accept that my if grandmother refuses to see the truth about her children and allows them to treat her as they do, there is nothing I can do about it. It is heartbreaking for me.

I am aware of what will happen and the ramifications. I have beat myself up for 2 years knowing there is nothing I can do to stop the momentum. I can only care for her as I do now.

The triangulation has been going on almost 50 years. Unfortunately, my mom got pregnant in High School and they got married very young. He tried to leave for his mistress and their child once. My grandmother told him he already had a family, so he stayed. He never wanted to be there though and we knew it. He is just as toxic as she is honestly.

Once they get her money, I wont have to worry about it any more. They will have gotten what they wanted. But I wont not care for my grandmother as best as I can for now.

freedomfromthepast Fri 01-Oct-21 04:22:09

I realized my post may have sounded that she is being financially abused. That is not the case. Though she has had to help support her 3 kids off and on for thousands at a time.

It is, unfortunately, the age old story that they don't want to be spending money now, because it is less for them later. This is a case of them all ignoring her unless they need something. That is how I ended up taking care of her. But you know they will all be lined up later.

VioletSky Fri 01-Oct-21 07:57:08

I really don't understand how they come out of any situation just using their own family thinking they are good and wonderful people. Or maybe they just think deep down everyone is the same as them and their good deeds are fake too.

The mental gymnastics must be Olympic standard.

Froglady Fri 01-Oct-21 08:05:12

I had to be in touch with one of my sisters for a few weeks while our mother was very ill and then died. I haven't had any contact with her for many years (my choice). I didn't want to have any contact but had to do it for my mother's sake. As soon as Mum died and we had the funeral, things went back to how they had been before.
I feel for you with this situation - mine was at least polite whereas your's isn't. When your grandmother is moved into assisted living will your father still have the POA? If he does you might still find you are still called on to sort out stuff.

freedomfromthepast Fri 01-Oct-21 17:19:55

"Or maybe they just think deep down everyone is the same as them and their good deeds are fake too."

Ding, ding, ding.

This is my mother.