Broken hearted

I am so sad to read what you have written, Bluefox and very sad for you - that you feel like you do.

I don't think you've said how long ago you lost your Father and it's likely that you're still grieving from the loss of both of your parents, especially with the additional struggle you have had for the longest of times with your brother.

I really can't see from anything you have written that your brother deserves a second thought from you - sister or not. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but if you read what you have said from the point of you of describing someone's character or the way that they have behaved towards their own parents, I'm sure you would see that your brother is truly not a nice person. You've not been able to say a single nice or positive thing about him.

He was the golden child, you say. Maybe he was, maybe he was spoilt, maybe your parents let him know that he could do no wrong and he repaid them by doing everything he could to make their lives worse and being as selfish and heartless and thoughtless as he possibly could in their last years. You, on the other hand, can look at yourself in the mirror every day and know that you gave them all the care and concern and interest that you could. That you gave their lives in their final years your best shot, even though as you say, it put a strain on your own marriage.

From the few instances you have described, your brother was callous in his dealings with both your parents, has behaved appallingly and yet you spend so much time in agony thinking about him. Why? Why waste your precious time grieving for someone who doesn't deserve another thought and clearly thinks very little of you. He has chosen to estrange himself - so be it. It might help you to feel more positive and find the peace you deserve by speaking to a trained Counsellor - maybe even a bereavement counsellor - because you have suffered the loss of your entire family. It's time to try to turn your thoughts towards yourself, your Husband, your marriage, your plans for the future. Don't waste another moment - life is precious and wasting time on someone who has deliberately alienated himself from you is very unhealthy and you deserve so much better.
I send good wishes and really hope that you find the happiness and peace you crave.

I can’t add anything to what Grandmafrench says but I agree with every word. Move on from your brother, he is not worthy of your grief. If he makes an overture in the future accept it but otherwise you just live your life and concentrate on your immediate family.

agree with above comments.

Agree with Grandmafresh as well.

Maybe add:
1. You haven't lost your entire family. You have a family with your (long suffering) husband (and children?)
2. Don't know the details but sounds like the 'extra' your dad gave you probably reflected the savings made by not putting him in a care home. Your brother hasn't lost out finacially.
3. On reflection, did you 'lose' your brother some years ago? Sounds like his relationship with the rest of the family hasn't been good for years.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry Bluefox an understand how you feel as I'm no longer in contact with my brother, my only sibling.

He instigated our separation but I'm content for it to be this way. We were extremely close but I saw in him over the last 15 years, things that shocked me, he did and said things I'd never have thought him capable of. Perhaps it's been like that for you too.

You've lost both parents and your brother and I think Grandmafrench is right in that you're still going through the grieving process of losing your parents.

Do give some thought about bereavement counselling. Estrangement is often referred too as a living bereavement so I'm sure that you would benefit from this.

It's so hard when someone you love doesn't want you to be a part of their lives, so you need to let them go. It takes time but once you do, once you accept that the relationship is over, you begin to heal from the pain of the loss.

Concentrate on those you love who love you in return, and take comfort in the knowledge of all that you did for your mum and dad.

Bluefox I think you would benefit from some counselling. Honestly your brother doesn't sound very nice, you have experienced the grief of losing both parents and I think that is adding to this feeling that you have lost your brother too.

Concentrate on those who love and care for you, whatever he thinks of you over money, it's not the truth and not your burden to carry

Grandmafrench

I am so sad to read what you have written, Bluefox and very sad for you - that you feel like you do.

I don't think you've said how long ago you lost your Father and it's likely that you're still grieving from the loss of both of your parents, especially with the additional struggle you have had for the longest of times with your brother.

I really can't see from anything you have written that your brother deserves a second thought from you - sister or not. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but if you read what you have said from the point of you of describing someone's character or the way that they have behaved towards their own parents, I'm sure you would see that your brother is truly not a nice person. You've not been able to say a single nice or positive thing about him.

He was the golden child, you say. Maybe he was, maybe he was spoilt, maybe your parents let him know that he could do no wrong and he repaid them by doing everything he could to make their lives worse and being as selfish and heartless and thoughtless as he possibly could in their last years. You, on the other hand, can look at yourself in the mirror every day and know that you gave them all the care and concern and interest that you could. That you gave their lives in their final years your best shot, even though as you say, it put a strain on your own marriage.

From the few instances you have described, your brother was callous in his dealings with both your parents, has behaved appallingly and yet you spend so much time in agony thinking about him. Why? Why waste your precious time grieving for someone who doesn't deserve another thought and clearly thinks very little of you. He has chosen to estrange himself - so be it. It might help you to feel more positive and find the peace you deserve by speaking to a trained Counsellor - maybe even a bereavement counsellor - because you have suffered the loss of your entire family. It's time to try to turn your thoughts towards yourself, your Husband, your marriage, your plans for the future. Don't waste another moment - life is precious and wasting time on someone who has deliberately alienated himself from you is very unhealthy and you deserve so much better.
I send good wishes and really hope that you find the happiness and peace you crave.

Thank you so much for your lengthy response.
My account is one sided of course, no doubt my brother would paint a different picture. I see I have not said one good thing about him and that is perhaps more of a reflection of me than him. For the record I believe he’s a good person who’s done bad things. I know that my father’s choices will have hurt him and that is difficult for me to deal with. I love my brother deeply and I always have, always will. My dad felt horribly let down by him and that continues to be a pain to me.
I did see a councillor when my brother was causing dad and I most pain and he told me at the time I was close to a complete breakdown. Probably you are right and I should seek further help. I find it incomprehensible that I will ever feel able to accept never seeing my brother again.

Thank you, I will try.

Thank you

Yes, I probably did lose my brother years ago. This fact is terribly difficult for me to accept. My father offered me more money when he decided to change his will but I told him I did not want it and I did not receive another penny.
Yes I do have two wonderful boys (men) and their amazing families. I am truly blessed and this is what I concentrate on.
Thank you

Yes my brother is my only sibling and we were (I thought) extremely close. I think our experiences are probably very alike. Maybe, in honesty really I don’t want to find acceptance of losing him. I want my brother to love me as I do him.

Thank you.

I can't see who all the random replies and 'thank yous' above are meant for, Bluefox - but we've seen similar before, haven't we?

Also, depressingly familiar is the lack of basic facts/information that make a reply rather difficult.

If your father changed his will, surely you'd know who benefitted from that?

Plenty of basic facts and information in the OP, I believe. The point is that the daughter did not benefit from the changing of beneficiaries therefore could not appear (to her brother) to have influenced her father to change his will to her benefit.

A bit rude there Hetty? OP did explain the problem in her opening post and I think her "thank you" replies were to those posters who responded. I think Bluefox might be a new poster and unfamiliar with the site so it would probably be kind to cut her a bit of slack?

Hope you get some reassurance from these replies Bluefox. I am also estranged from my brother after losing my Mum 16 years ago. I naively trusted him after Mum passed even though my Husband saw through him and kept warning me to be careful. He was my only sibling and I don't know if he is dead or alive now but am still shocked at the way he behaved 16 years later.

Thank you,
It helps a little bit to know it’s not just me.

I’m sorry Hetty if I haven’t understood the way things are done here. I thought my post was long enough and that the basic information was contained. I do of course know where the rest of my dads money went, I just thought that the fact that I declined it was the only thing of relevance.

Hetty58

I can't see who all the random replies and 'thank yous' above are meant for, Bluefox - but we've seen similar before, haven't we?

Also, depressingly familiar is the lack of basic facts/information that make a reply rather difficult.

If your father changed his will, surely you'd know who benefitted from that?

Bit of a daft reply. Read the op

Bluefox I read this and it made sense to me.
If you want to change the world (including yourself or others), go home and love your family

Sounds as if you've done a good job there already. So do as advised by others and take pleasure in them and leave your brother to the past.

Namsnanny, thank you. I know really that’s what I have to do but I don’t find it easy.

No your right it isnt!
I've been struggling with a mother and brother, so I should take my own advice.
Your experience struck a cord.

Namsnanny. ?

The wisdom and compassion of those who wrote in response to Bluefox made me join gransnet in hope of insight and support for my estrangement/s.
I am broken hearted about the estrangement of my adult son.
Being alienated is a pattern and I don’t know why. My daddy died when I was four years old. My brother and I competed for our mothers attention. Similar to bluefox’s situation my brother was the favourite. Our stepfather favoured my brother too. We didn’t have Any other relatives.
When I was in my 20’s our stepfather was dying from cancer and became demented but all his vindictive actions were toward me - such as removing every photo of me from every photo album and cutting them up in hundreds of pieces. He also wanted me out of the will. My brother took over the family business and was supposed to pay my mother rent, he didn’t, so I supported my mother. When mum died 15 years ago my brother contested her will even though he was to be given 65%, he felt he was entitled to all of mum’s assets.
I let the executor deal with it.
My partner and I were together happily for five years before deciding we would try to conceive. After discussing employment and lifestyle changes and telling my mum and and his parents. We stopped trying after 12 months and that’s when I became pregnant. He was not supportive and after our son was born he did not want to change his lifestyle. I discovered two years later he was developing a relationship with a friend of mine. He left me for her and they are married and still together. My son and I were very close until he was 12, he saw his dad every second weekend. Then he wanted to spend more time with his dad, so it became 50/50. I felt that his dad’s family were alienating me but I didn’t know how to counteract that, I just continued to be the best mom I could be. Gradually my son withdrew communication with me - I assumed healthy young adult independence even though I grieved for our closeness. At 23, he moved out of my home and into an apartment. 18 months later I was introduced to his partner. She is wonderful and I am so happy they are together. From her I learnt that I was the last person in the family to meet her and that his dad’s mother had told her I was “a piece of work” I was gobsmacked. When I tried to discuss with my son what perception his dad’s family had about me, my son became very defensive and told me “that’s my family you’re talking about”
We have had many discussions over the past five years about seeing a counselor to improve our relationship. He has never found the time. I email jokes or snippets of information I think he’d find interesting. I text once a week asking how they are, and don’t receive any response. Last month I wanted to confirm their apartment number address to send his partner flowers for her birthday. A week later my son gave me a New address- they have moved next door to his dad. I am bereft. I don’t understand why he didn’t want to tell me or why he and partner have moved. What can I do to have a better relationship with my son? Am I wanting too much because he is the only family I have? My only company is my loving and loyal dog - now 16 years old, I have become very depressed and withdrawn from everyone as again I don’t know how to manage good relationships, and fear being hurt further. Any advice gratefully received. What is wrong with me? Thank you.