Broken hearted

Yes it does

Smileless2012

*DiscoDancer*.

I wonder if that's why Mr. S. says to me "you're always bloody right".

I wouldn’t like to say Smileless, but does rather confirm what my husband thinks doesn’t it? ?

DiscoDancer.

I wonder if that's why Mr. S. says to me "you're always bloody right".

My husband was reading this, and his comments amused me...
Men like to be the best at everything, so number 1. Very competitive.
Women don’t care about being the best....as long as they’re in charge! ?

Yes, I think there's something in that too. Maybe it's a 'man' thing.

Sky dancer, I do think there’s something in what you say about wanting to be ‘top dog’.

Namsnanny, again; thank you.

Oddly, I find among people I talk to that brothers are often estranged. Even my own keeps his distance and has said he isn't very interested in family which really hurts as I'd have loved a close relationship with him. I do wonder if it's because a lot of men have to be "top dog". Mine does. I don't know what it is about the male psyche but they are definitely not like women. Ok - I know there are exceptions obviously but for those estranged from brothers, you are far from alone.

Thank you Namsnanny

25Avalon

Bluefox it is a horrible situation you are in. My brother and sil who lived close to mum thought she should go in a home when she developed dementia. They were probably right but mum could not be made to go. Their response was to refuse to have any contact with social services who put carers in. I had to deal with them from 150 miles away instead as well as mil with dementia near me.
Then when mum died my brother was the sole executor with me as half beneficiary. Because I dared to question him over the sale price when he put the house on the market 6 months before probate, and gave loads of stuff away without asking, he cut me off as he did social services. Same wording - I was to have no contact by mail, email or phone. A few weeks later I sent a birthday present to sil. It was returned to me unopened on the anniversary of my son’s death. I cried buckets.

I agonised and agonised. They were invited to dd’s wedding but returned the invite to us as Mr and Mrs A, not our first names although I’d held an olive branch out. Dh and dd had been in no way involved in the initial ‘upset’. That was 10 years ago. Like you I thought I would never get over it, but gradually I came to accept that I no longer have a brother and strangely in a way that made it easier. It is a hard road Bluefox because it is a form of bereavement. Be kind to yourself. I wish you peace.

You're welcome, I hope it helps

1wend

Thanks VioletSky, don’t know how to start new thread ? ?

Go to ‘ forums’ at the top of the screen. Pick your topic.....so ‘ estrangement’ or ‘ Ask a gran’ etc. Then you’ll see the ‘ Start a discussion’ box.

Thanks Smileless2012

Thanks VioletSky, don’t know how to start new thread ? ?

"This life is too short to waste it on difficult people. Enjoy peace...with those who aren't". Spot on DiscoDancer. It's not an easy decision to make but well worth it in the end.

I hope you're OK Bluefox and the responses you've had are helping you to come to terms with what's happened.

Bluefox you are the kinder person. Don't give him a 2nd thought. And money can do funny things to people. The most important thing is you took care of your parents at great expense to yourself. I've done that too. After years of putting yourself and others on the back burner during your duty of care, it's now time for you. Put it all out of your mind and let him make the first move. You've done your best.

1wend it sounds like you have had a terrible time of things and I think anyone would have trouble coming out of all that unscathed.

I think you really must not discuss the other side of your sons family with him. It would be much better for you to just be you than try to defend against them.

I would honestly advise you go and get that counselling for yourself. This will help you gain some insight into how that sort of family dynamic in childhood can affect who we choose as partners or our future relationships. This will get you some support on how to get those relationships back on track or move forward without them if that is what is necessary.

I hope things improve or you.

I think, in general, and trying to avoid a lengthy post where repetition occurs, we should always just concentrate on those we love...and who love us back.

We were estranged, on and off, from extended family, for many years, up until 20 years ago, when we pulled up the drawbridge for good. Just not worth the hassle. Just because you share the same genes, doesn’t mean you have to be shackled together forever. You may as well be in prison.

To BlueFox and Iwend. This life is too short to waste it on difficult people. Enjoy peace...with those who are not.

Welcome to GN 1wend.

There is nothing wrong with you. I'm going to say that again; there is nothing wrong with you. Keep telling yourself this because it's important for you to understand that you are not at fault.

It looks from your post, as if your ex and his wife have been systematically feeding your son verbal poison to come between you and are unfortunately succeeding.

The fact that your son has given you his new address despite not responding to any of your text messages, is a tiny glimmer of hope IMO, as he could just as easily ignored you and you wouldn't have known his new address.

You need to be able to talk about this to someone. A trusted family member or friend perhaps, or maybe counselling would be beneficial.

The hardest and most painful thing about situations like these is accepting that there's nothing you can do. You have no control over your ex's and his wife's behaviour. You have no control over what your son will and wont believe.

You say that for 5 years you've been talking to your son about counselling to improve your relationship but in all that time, he's never had the time.

Now's the time for you to take care of yourself for two reasons. The first is that by doing so, you'll be better able to deal with what's happening and the second, is that by taking care of yourself, you'll be better placed to be there for your son, if and when he needs you.

There's a support thread on this forum for anyone living with estrangement and you might like to post there too.

If you take just one thing away from my post, take with you that there is nothing wrong with you.

Take care and post again so we know you're alright.

Iwend why don't you start your own thread with your story.

The wisdom and compassion of those who wrote in response to Bluefox made me join gransnet in hope of insight and support for my estrangement/s.
I am broken hearted about the estrangement of my adult son.
Being alienated is a pattern and I don’t know why. My daddy died when I was four years old. My brother and I competed for our mothers attention. Similar to bluefox’s situation my brother was the favourite. Our stepfather favoured my brother too. We didn’t have Any other relatives.
When I was in my 20’s our stepfather was dying from cancer and became demented but all his vindictive actions were toward me - such as removing every photo of me from every photo album and cutting them up in hundreds of pieces. He also wanted me out of the will. My brother took over the family business and was supposed to pay my mother rent, he didn’t, so I supported my mother. When mum died 15 years ago my brother contested her will even though he was to be given 65%, he felt he was entitled to all of mum’s assets.
I let the executor deal with it.
My partner and I were together happily for five years before deciding we would try to conceive. After discussing employment and lifestyle changes and telling my mum and and his parents. We stopped trying after 12 months and that’s when I became pregnant. He was not supportive and after our son was born he did not want to change his lifestyle. I discovered two years later he was developing a relationship with a friend of mine. He left me for her and they are married and still together. My son and I were very close until he was 12, he saw his dad every second weekend. Then he wanted to spend more time with his dad, so it became 50/50. I felt that his dad’s family were alienating me but I didn’t know how to counteract that, I just continued to be the best mom I could be. Gradually my son withdrew communication with me - I assumed healthy young adult independence even though I grieved for our closeness. At 23, he moved out of my home and into an apartment. 18 months later I was introduced to his partner. She is wonderful and I am so happy they are together. From her I learnt that I was the last person in the family to meet her and that his dad’s mother had told her I was “a piece of work” I was gobsmacked. When I tried to discuss with my son what perception his dad’s family had about me, my son became very defensive and told me “that’s my family you’re talking about”
We have had many discussions over the past five years about seeing a counselor to improve our relationship. He has never found the time. I email jokes or snippets of information I think he’d find interesting. I text once a week asking how they are, and don’t receive any response. Last month I wanted to confirm their apartment number address to send his partner flowers for her birthday. A week later my son gave me a New address- they have moved next door to his dad. I am bereft. I don’t understand why he didn’t want to tell me or why he and partner have moved. What can I do to have a better relationship with my son? Am I wanting too much because he is the only family I have? My only company is my loving and loyal dog - now 16 years old, I have become very depressed and withdrawn from everyone as again I don’t know how to manage good relationships, and fear being hurt further. Any advice gratefully received. What is wrong with me? Thank you.

Namsnanny. ?

No your right it isnt!
I've been struggling with a mother and brother, so I should take my own advice.
Your experience struck a cord.

Namsnanny, thank you. I know really that’s what I have to do but I don’t find it easy.