The wisdom and compassion of those who wrote in response to Bluefox made me join gransnet in hope of insight and support for my estrangement/s.
I am broken hearted about the estrangement of my adult son.
Being alienated is a pattern and I don’t know why. My daddy died when I was four years old. My brother and I competed for our mothers attention. Similar to bluefox’s situation my brother was the favourite. Our stepfather favoured my brother too. We didn’t have Any other relatives.
When I was in my 20’s our stepfather was dying from cancer and became demented but all his vindictive actions were toward me - such as removing every photo of me from every photo album and cutting them up in hundreds of pieces. He also wanted me out of the will. My brother took over the family business and was supposed to pay my mother rent, he didn’t, so I supported my mother. When mum died 15 years ago my brother contested her will even though he was to be given 65%, he felt he was entitled to all of mum’s assets.
I let the executor deal with it.
My partner and I were together happily for five years before deciding we would try to conceive. After discussing employment and lifestyle changes and telling my mum and and his parents. We stopped trying after 12 months and that’s when I became pregnant. He was not supportive and after our son was born he did not want to change his lifestyle. I discovered two years later he was developing a relationship with a friend of mine. He left me for her and they are married and still together. My son and I were very close until he was 12, he saw his dad every second weekend. Then he wanted to spend more time with his dad, so it became 50/50. I felt that his dad’s family were alienating me but I didn’t know how to counteract that, I just continued to be the best mom I could be. Gradually my son withdrew communication with me - I assumed healthy young adult independence even though I grieved for our closeness. At 23, he moved out of my home and into an apartment. 18 months later I was introduced to his partner. She is wonderful and I am so happy they are together. From her I learnt that I was the last person in the family to meet her and that his dad’s mother had told her I was “a piece of work” I was gobsmacked. When I tried to discuss with my son what perception his dad’s family had about me, my son became very defensive and told me “that’s my family you’re talking about”
We have had many discussions over the past five years about seeing a counselor to improve our relationship. He has never found the time. I email jokes or snippets of information I think he’d find interesting. I text once a week asking how they are, and don’t receive any response. Last month I wanted to confirm their apartment number address to send his partner flowers for her birthday. A week later my son gave me a New address- they have moved next door to his dad. I am bereft. I don’t understand why he didn’t want to tell me or why he and partner have moved. What can I do to have a better relationship with my son? Am I wanting too much because he is the only family I have? My only company is my loving and loyal dog - now 16 years old, I have become very depressed and withdrawn from everyone as again I don’t know how to manage good relationships, and fear being hurt further. Any advice gratefully received. What is wrong with me? Thank you.
1wend Tue 12-Oct-21 12:08:49
1wend Tue 12-Oct-21 12:13:03
Namsnanny Tue 12-Oct-21 12:30:47
Namsnanny Tue 12-Oct-21 12:34:37
Granniesunite Tue 12-Oct-21 12:49:09
Bluefox Tue 12-Oct-21 12:53:38
Socksandsocks01 Tue 12-Oct-21 13:20:14
3nanny6 Tue 12-Oct-21 13:21:02
Hithere Tue 12-Oct-21 13:35:13
Smileless2012 Tue 12-Oct-21 13:44:10
VioletSky Tue 12-Oct-21 17:41:58
1wend Wed 13-Oct-21 13:26:15
VioletSky Wed 13-Oct-21 13:30:26
Hithere Wed 13-Oct-21 13:37:37
Allsorts Wed 13-Oct-21 15:18:50
Smileless2012 Wed 13-Oct-21 17:12:11
1wend Thu 14-Oct-21 13:20:21
1wend Thu 14-Oct-21 13:33:44
1wend Thu 14-Oct-21 13:45:45
VioletSky Thu 14-Oct-21 14:17:52
Hithere Thu 14-Oct-21 14:22:57
Dollygloss Thu 14-Oct-21 15:33:04
Smileless2012 Thu 14-Oct-21 19:18:19
DerbyshireLass Thu 14-Oct-21 22:29:13
Smileless2012 Fri 15-Oct-21 10:01:24