Pattern of being estranged

Thanks Smiles.....

Yes I dug deep and somehow found the courage to stand up to her. Not quite sure how really because I am a natural coward who hates confrontation. Anything for a quiet life, which is why I didn't act sooner and nip things in the bud when I could plainly see what she was doing.

I don't know how or why but I guess something inside me just finally snapped. The texts she sent me were so vile, I felt sick and ill for days afterwards. Once the shock had worn off and I started to piece everything together I started doing some research. I discovered that those texts would easily stand up in court as abuse.

(Not that I ever intended to go down that route). I doubt I ever would, but she doesn't know that.......

For those who may not be aware, It is now illegal to abuse someone on social media or to send someone abusive texts or to threaten emotional blackmail. If you have it writing it will stand up in court. There is protection in law.

When I texted back and responded to the effect that I would not tolerate abuse and that she had in fact tried to use emotional blackmail three times I think it may have pulled her up and made her think again. She certainly modified her behaviour after that. The abusive texts stopped.

She is well informed on the workings of social media and the law, and so when I did finally stand up to her she must have realised she was skating on thin ice. I think that is why she backed down, not because of any finer feelings or remorse. I think she was unsure how far I was prepared to go and decided not to push her luck.

Would I ever take legal action.......probably not, unless of course it was to protect my son or the grandchildren. And then I would, without question.

As you say, Smiles, at the moment she has more or less called a truce but how long for....how long she will be able to behave is anyone's guess. But at least I now know what to expect. Forewarned is forearmed.

Smiles.....it's like a combination of a game of chess and a round of high stakes poker. Having to be one step ahead, trying to outthink your opponent and sometimes just bluffing it out.

Never thought I would end up having to think like a military strategist. But hey, parents will always fight for their children. My little cub may well be all grown up now, but I can still be a ferocious lioness when necessary.

I think when it all blew up I initially reacted by trying to defend myself because of how unfairly I was being treated. When I realised that defending myself only seemed to ignite her narcissistic rage even further I decided to try something else. I took time out to learn as much as I could about narcissists.

I realised that "fairness" is an alien concept to narcs.....they don't care about fairness, they only care about their own gratification. It's no good appealing to their better nature, they don't have a better nature. Once I fully understood that narcs are just hollow inside, that in reality they are like vampires, I found easier to deal with her. Basically that was to starve her of "fuel".

Yes it was a gamble and it has paid off.....for now. But I'm pretty certain she will be back up to her old tricks before too long. Time will tell. In the meantime I will just employ what I call my "red velvet rope policy". Keep her at arms length. I will be polite, civil, gracious and charming but that's it. I will not share my private thoughts or feelings, conversations will be light, bright and breezy. I will cultivate an air of vagueness and eccentricity, or as we say round here....just act daft.

I will not divulge my future plans or talk about what I have been doing, who I have been seeing, where I have been. It will all be very superficial so there's no meat for her to go at, nothing that she can use to twist my words or use to turn my son against me. And I will ensure we are never together in the same room without a third party present.

If all else fails, I will disengage and forfeit seeing my grandchildren. It's not what I want but I'm prepared to accept that estrangement might still be the final outcome. If I can avoid it I will but I will never again grovel or kowtow to my DIL.

I do wonder how many EAC over play their hand so to speak.

We've always had this sense that neither our ES or his wife expected us to do what we were told too ie stay away. Perhaps it was as inconceivable to him that we wouldn't beg and plead to be a part of their lives, as it was to us that he could ever say we were no longer a part of his and our GC's.

This sense has been 'supported' over the years by things our DS has said. For example when we put our house on the market and then took it off again, they seemed to think it was a bluff, until Mr. S. explained that we'd taken it off because he didn't want to move, but it was going back on the market because I couldn't stay.

ES telling his GM that they hadn't had a decent night's sleep for 5 years because they didn't have any family support. That still makes me I mean what did he expect?

Maybe your son and d.i.l. came close to doing the same thing DerbyshireLass. You didn't respond in the way they expected so now they're having a re think.

There's still time for things to improve for you and if putting the strategies you now have in place, enables you to continue to see your son and GC while protecting yourself, that will be a really good outcome.

Perhaps them having had a taste of what estrangement will mean for them, and how it will impact on their lives, they've lost their appetite for it. I hope so.

Smiles.........I hope you are right. Only time will tell. But tbh, even if they are now fully committed to rebuilding our relationship I will always have that doubt in my mind, once bitten, twice shy and all that.

I am not vengeful and not given to bearing grudges, however I am going to find it very difficult to trust them. Once trust has been lost it's not easily regained. And when someone you care deeply about betrays your trust it is very difficult not to nurse a sense of betrayal.

I will never allow them to know how much they have hurt me, I am far too proud for that. If my son doesn't realise just how badly he has wounded me then he's a fool and he doesn't half as well as he thinks he does.

I will never speak of it to them but I will never forget what they have done. Even if they were to shower me with love and affection to the end of my days they cannot undo what has been done. They killed a little piece of my heart.

That should read he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.

I think you are right.....i think in both our cases our offspring overplayed their hand. They got cocky and overconfident. They thought they could dictate terms and we would meekly comply.

They thought that because they appeared to hold all the cards we would just roll over like whipped dogs.

PI think they sometimes think they can push and shove us and trample all over us to,their hearts content and we will just lie down and take the abuse.

Then, when we do take a stand they are shocked. But their pride, their grandiosity and sense of entitlement won't let them back down.

They haven't yet learned that we all need to eat a little humble pie sometimes. ?

Something beautiful has been damaged DerbyshireLass and even if it can be repaired, it will never be what it was.

They do something we never thought them capable of and the fear of it happening again will always be with us wont it.

Thanks Smileless2012, Derbyshirelass, Dollygloss, I am clueless, my attempts at boundaries/ teaching how to be respected is called ‘controlling’ .
I am grateful to read your experiences and know I am in the company of strong, resilient and kind womyn.

Well of course it's seen as controlling 1wend. When they're laying down the law and trying to get us to jump through hoops they're setting 'healthy' boundaries. When we do it, we're interfering and controlling mothers and m's.i.l.

The only rules that exist in the manipulative and cruel games they play are their own. The game is rigged but that doesn't mean they'll win in the end.

I'm sure our son's wife thinks she's won but we're winners too. We've re built our lives and we have a good life, better and happier than we'd have thought possible

We don't have to listen to her, we don't even have to look at her which is a huge plus. As for our son, well when they got married she'd 'won' a great prize but he's no longer the man we raised or the man she fell in love with and married.

What sort of boundaries 1wend and what do you mean by teaching how to be respected?

Let them call you controlling. So what. It's just their opinion.

Turn it round......when they accuse you of being controlling just agree with them, just say something like "yep, 100% right, I'm just an OCD control freak". Then laugh. Make it a joke. It will take the wind out of their sails. They will be so astonished they won't know how to react.

Never try to defend yourself, it will only escalate the situation and make matters worse.

Don't give your power away. Go D.E.E.P. Google it for a full explanation on how it works,

Start by showing yourself some respect. If we don't treat ourselves with kindness and respect we mustn't be too surprised if others show a lack of respect towards us.

It starts with us. We have to teach others how to treat us and the best way is to start by how we treat ourselves. Stop people pleasing and stop always being the "good girl".

Begin a programme of enhanced self care, take care of your physical health and emotional well being. Stop the negative self talk.

Hold them slightly at arms length, maybe start saying no occasionally, start building a new life for yourself, see friends, get out and about, may some new hobbies. Do things that give you pleasure. Buy yourself flowers, wear perfume, put on some slap and dress well.

And don't let them see that they have rattled you or that you feel hurt and upset.

Be dignified, hold your head up and have pride.

If they see that you hold yourself in high esteem they will respond accordingly. At first they might not appreciate the new you, they might say "oh look at her, she's gone all high maintenance of a sudden".

Well let them have their say, again they are entitled to their opinion. Just agree with them.

My answer to that one is. "Yep, you're spot on.. Sadly, the older I get the more high maintenance I become". And than I laugh and say ""Bette Davis got it right when she said aging ain't for cissies........It takes work and guts to keep this show on the road"

Follow the D.E.E.P. advice. It works. Let them have their say, never argue back, just agree with them and turn into into a joke. Keep it lighthearted.

And never forget,....... High maintenance women don't get trampled on, they get treated like queens. ??.

Just start putting yourself first. It's not vanity, it's not selfishness, it's self preservation. If they call you a Diva, well so what. No one messes with a Diva.

I now treat myself a movie star. My late aways did. If he were still alive I would not have been treated so badly. He would have soon out a stop to their nonsense.

So now I'm just adopting the way he treated me......I have begun to treat myself with courtesy and respect.

Try it. What have you got to lose. Draw that red velvet rope around you, show yourself some love and treat yourself with TLC.

Great post DerbyshireLass. Are you a Bette Davis fan? I am, just love her and drive Mr. S. mad with my large collection of her films.

I love the line from 'All About Eve' "fasten your seat belts, it's going to a bumpy night". Rather an apt film too, in terms of this discussion.

We need to have self respect because as you say, if we don't respect ourselves enough not to be treated like rubbish that's how we will be treated.

Respect was is an important factor in our family. Our boys were always told to have self respect and show respect for others not because of the position they hold, but for who they are and how they are.

Love Bette Davis.....in fact I adore all those old "Hollywood Broads" as they were sometimes called. They were strong gutsy women. Davis was a real powerhouse.

I had an aunt who was a film fanatic, she kept scrap books of all the old Hollywood movie stars, collected all the fan magazines and the cigarette cards. She wasn't much of a looker my aunt, in fact she reminded me of Mae West ?. but she knew how to dazzle with glamour.

Everyone thought my aunt was drop dead gorgeous but in fact it was all smoke and mirrors, it was all down to the clothes, her wit and style. Now she was a woman who commanded respect. She was adored by her family and indeed the whole neighbourhood. No one ever trampled on my aunt.

I had the misfortune to be born with a rather prominent facial birthmark. My aunt was the one person who actually dared to speak to me about it........all the other family members pretended it didn't exist,

She taught me this little rhyme.

"A little bit of powder and a little bit of paint,
Can make a thing seem, just what it ain't".

So from her I learned the art of using clothes and make up to give me the confidence I needed to face the world with my disfigurement.

When my husband died I did lose some of my confidence and the way my son and DIL have treated me over the last few years hasn't helped. That last episode fair knocked the stuffing out of me. I was almost prostrate with shock and grief. But I decided to fight back and once again one of my weapons of choice has been better self care....... clothes, make up and treating myself with love.

The great Hollywood costumier once said. "You can be anything or anyone you want, you just need to dress the part".

So for me, the road to regaining my self respect and building up my confidence again is through exquisite self care.

I really do believe it starts with us......

We don't always get what we want out of life because all too often what we end up with is what we tolerate. I now think the trick is to teach ourselves what is no longer tolerable and then to be able to say "Enough".

To quote another Hollywood film......Peter Finch in Network ......."I'm as a mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it".

I think we all need our "mad as hell" moment. It's our wake up call and our cue to fight back and stand up for ourselves.

P.S. as a footnote .....in 2006 my birthmark became cancerous. I had to have it cut out. I was terrified. I asked the surgeon if I could have it lasered off. He said no, it had to be the knife because he wanted to make sure he got it all. He did a magnificent job and all I have now is fine white scar. No one ever even notices it.

All's well that ends well. ?

Sorry.....the Hollywood costumier I quoted was Edith Head.

You really are amazing DerbyshireLass and reading your post explains why you have the courage and outlook on life that you do.

Your son should be proud to have a mum like you and your d.i.l. should be proud you're her m.i.l. Your an inspiration to us all x

Iwend, in response to your post of the 14th in which you say you are going to write a letter each month to your son, but I don’t want to communicate with her. I don’t want to reconcile but it doesn’t stop me missing the person she was, but it’s really too late for me. The damage is too great. So for you it’s probably a good idea, all relationships are different, I do hope you reconcile, generally in time many do. I know it’s probably hard to understand, she has what she wants but I can never forget all the things she has said and done.

Aww shucks. I'm nothing special. Lol.

Reading these threads what strikes me is that we are all strong women who have had to dig deep. Estrangement is so painful but here we are, surviving and thriving,

? to us.

I understand Allsorts and feel as you do.

I don't want the stress of trying to communicate. Sending a letter or email, waiting to see if there's a response, worrying that if there is one it will be unpleasant, being upset if the silence continues.

It's the same with reconciliation, the fear that it could happen again, and never being able to forget what's been done and said.

I totally understand whose who do of course but it's not for me.

"surviving and thriving" yes we are DerbyshireLassand none of us I'm sure would have thought we'd get there.

Well you gals are all swell
I’ve had a different upset and can’t think straight, couldn’t remember password so reset because I just wanna say you’re great role models and empowering. Hope to be back soon

Look forward to seeing real soon

I am in tears reading all of your warm and lovely responses to 1wend. I live in Texas and am going through the same heartbreaking issues as all of you. Adding to the personal turmoil, daily life is made more difficult by the chaos and disruption caused by our nutcase ex President trump and our foolish Texas gov Abbott. Sometimes it is so hard just to function as everything together is just too much. But today, my first day, reading all the lovely things you all wrote to 1wend made me feel not so alone in this world. There are wonderful and caring people out there. Thank you all so much.

Hello Mimicarol. I'm so pleased you've found this thread helpful. It's very comforting isn't it, to know that you're not the only one who is going through this.

There's another thread on this forum 'Support for all living with estrangement' which you might want to take a look at. We post there almost daily. Sometimes just to chat, off load when we're struggling and always there to support anyone who is having a hard time.

I understand how things build up, one on top of the over until simply getting through the day feels like an impossible task, but getting through the day is not to be underestimated. It takes strength and determination.

Take care and if you need us, we're here.

Thank you so much Smiles. I want to call you that because you made me smile just now by responding. There really are strong, insightful women out there who understand the pain of estrangement from AC. I am going to the support thread right now. MC

I look forward to seeing you there.