Pattern of being estranged

One thing I have learned from years of abuse from an ex husband is that you have to teach people to respect you, including your own children. You can be your usual friendly self but at the first sign of anything that makes you feel uncomfortable you have to call it out while its still a minor issue. I bet your son's father is no walk over, or his mother either. Perhaps some therapy to start you off, on line is an easy choice now. In the meantime pull back from your son. Being needy is going to make matters worse. Try and build more of a life for yourself with friends and interests. If you like yourself more you then the rest will follow.

1wend
Nah, I tried 20+ times to address it with them for decades - they still claim amnesia and they do not know what they have done, "they just want what is best for me" and "they were the best parents they could be"

My only regret is not to cut them off sooner.

I hope you will try counselling 1wend the answers to these things are often inside ourselves whether we need to be accountable for our mistakes and imperfections or understand what it is about ourselves that allows others to treat us badly and how to put an end to it.. Or both

Hi Smileless2012 (I’m curious about your name) thanks again for responding. Yes, thank goodness No One Is perfect ?.
I tried to be a great parent- all I knew was to give my son what I never received! Lots of time together with full attention, fun activities and experiences, teaching life skills, tried not to smother him, but I’m sure I did many things that annoyed him and I was oblivious. Single parenting is tiring and I was also working and caring for my mum, so I know from age 10 on for a few years I wasn’t present emotionally or mindfully. I also struggled a bit with his teenage rebellion as he would just go to his dad’s if he didn’t like my asking him to ie clean his room! Yes maybe if/when he has children he will get another perspective

Hi Allsorts, like Smileless 2012, I am sorry you’re experiencing a lot of anxiety in this ‘living bereavement’ as you aptly named it. I wonder if writing down all the things you’d like to tell her if you were seeing her may ease your tension? Or if you wrote her a letter each week/ month as though she was in Africa. Whether you send the letters or not. Maybe one day you’ll get to give or send them to her? I’m going to write an email that I’ll send once a month to my son, just so I feel connected to him and even if he doesn’t reply, he’ll know I’m thinking of him and open to communication.

Thanks ‘Hithere’ I’m sad that it seems your parents were insensitive to your responses - were they put down as kids? Did they think ‘teasing’ you was fun for you? My stepfather was always putting me down and calling me stupid- when I confronted him about it, he was surprised- he told me his stepdad did that to him and that’s what motivated him to prove him wrong!! I told him it wasn’t working for me. He never praised me before or after that discussion but the rubbishing eased off. Perhaps your parents don’t accept the hurt they’ve caused or maybe unaware. If you can find a space without anger to write and tell them I hope you receive the apology and respect you deserve.

None of us are perfect 1wend we all make mistakes as parents and our children will make mistakes with their own children. We can only hope that our GC will be more understanding of their parents, so they don't find themselves estranged too.

Of course abuse is a totally different dynamic, and although our actual experience of estrangement is different to that of an AC who estranged abusive parents, its meaning is the same ie no longer being in a relationship with someone you once had a relationship with.

I'm so sorry Allsorts that you're still experiencing those feelings of fear and panic when you think you may never see your D again.

It takes time to adjust just like any bereavement takes time to work through. Even AC can be used as weapons by those who are hell bent on seeking revenge and/or punishment, just like younger children.

Iwend, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Although it’s a common scenario, it is heartbreaking when you’re the one estranged, it really is a living bereavement as has been mentioned before. It is not your fault, the child gets used by the estranged parent, negative comments drip fed into a young mind. He will never be aware of how much hurt he causes you and I do wish I had words of wisdom to solve the problem but I haven’t. Why divorced partners can’t put the children first I don’t know, it’s much happier for the child to have both parents unified in their upbringing regardless of the reason for their split.
Is it possible you could arrange a meeting with your son, not to apportion blame, just to get things on track. Or write a letter saying you miss him and would love to be part of his life. It might work.
If I start to think I am never going to see my d again, which I might not, I get very panicky and scared, but I have tried everything, there is nothing I can do in my case, you might reconsider one day and I really hope you do,h((

1wend

Yes, they could think what my reasons for estranging are and see what they can do to change that.

They would have to apologize for body shaming me, killing my self esteem, trying to make me dependent on them as if I want able to live in this world without them, not accepting me as I am instead of turning me into the person they wanted me to be, stop commenting on my appearance, clothing, haircut, stop their "recommendations" how I can improve, etc.

They would have to say and show me they would respect my decisions without discussions, even if they do not agree with them

It is not going to happen.

1wend just to let you know these threads are visited by estranged parents and adult children of abusive parents as estrangement means different things to different people on gransnet.

I'm estranged from my abusive mother

Wow I’m so grateful for your support and empathy.
Heartfelt Thank you to: Smileless2012, VioletSky, Namsnanny, Granniesunite, Bluefox, Socksandsocks01, 3nanny6, and Hithere.
I’d like to respond to each of you - is there some way to reply under a post? I lose track if can’t see what is written. . I’m sad so many of us have this heartache without explanation, and crave the hugs we had before. It’s easy for me to blame my ex and his partner- my ex friend, but I’m sure I’ve played some part in this, I wish I knew what, I am completely baffled by my ex MILaw’s comment. Yes, I will get counseling for myself. ‘Hithere’ is there anything your parent/s could say for you to chat/met with them?

Hi again 1wend

I can't remembermy original comment but will try again.

You have had a really awful time of it and you really need to start taking care of yourself now.

I really wouldn't recommend mentioning the other side of his family to your son at all unless he asks you questions. You should let who you are stand instead of defending against them.

I think you should get that counselling for yourself, to help understand how a bad childhood can lead to choosing the wrong sort of partner or difficult relationships with our own children. I have done this myself and parenting courses, child care courses and it has helped me immeasurably to move away from what I learned in childhood.

I wonder why some AC's takes sides when their parents have divorced.

I never did. Perhaps that's because my parents had the sense not to bad mouth the one I wasn't with when I was with them.

My dad was better at that than my mum, that said I suppose if anyone was at fault, it was him and not my mum.

So sad when children regardless of their ages are used to get revenge on someone else.

Just reminding you of what I put in my response to you earlier 1wend there's nothing wrong with you.

Sorry you are in this situation.

It is not unusual for ex-partners to paint in a bad light the other partner.

It is also not unusual for the children of the marriage to take sides with one of the parents.

Were you given exact examples why "you were a piece of work"?
It is hard to give more feedback w/o details

This could not be your case: I can say that as an estranged AC, my parents did raise me in a very dysfunctional manner because of the way they were raised themselves and they are blind to it, claim they are so much better than their parents and I was lucky to have them.

Iwend sending you a hug, you have had so many hardships to deal with and that was a blow to lose your father at 4 years old.

It is a shame that your brother became the favourite and because he knew that then that is why he became so greedy over the Will I do hope you at least got the share your were left and he did not take everything.

Having your husband eventually leave you also added to your problems but that was not your fault because he sounds like a person only thinking of himself so you were best away from him.
What really must hurt is the estrangement from your son although he has given you an address so that is something at least you know where he lives. The fact he has moved next door to his dad is not the best of news as his dad still probably wants to be smug and show how close they are.

You have said that you e-mail your son and text once a week but he does not respond which is rude of him although sometimes the young ones are busy and have things to do and do not see it as important to keep up too regular contact.
Also he has not found time to arrange an appointment with a
counsellor which you have been hoping for so it seems he is not as concerned about your relationship as you are.
I have had many problems with my daughter and now have not spoken to her for awhile and her eldest sister has moved to live with her and she just stopped talking to me so I do know what it feels like.
What I suggest is contact your son once more and ask about the counselling or even ask him to meet you for a coffee somewhere. Once you do that do not persist in asking him
again also maybe just e-mail him once a fortnight and then leave it up to him to contact you. I know it is the hardest thing to do but I began not bothering with my daughter/s and if I am not wanted in their lives then that is that I still have my life to live and make sure I find things to keep me busy and even dare I say happy.
You do not want too much and having adult children care for us can be wonderful but their is a sad reality that grown up children move on with their lives and sometimes just leave us behind without a second thought.
I am sure you will get plenty of other advice on here.

1wend. It's not your fault. It's nothing you have done or haven't done. There was a book I got immediately after my eldest son cut me out of his life It's called Done with Crying. It's great. I have 2 sons brought them up the same but rivalry and jealous always there. I too wonder why. We all do. And we have all different parenting skills and beliefs. And still we are all estranged from our kids and grandchildren. Proof It's not us being bad parents.

Iwend, I’m not much good at coping with it myself. I just want to send you a hug. ??

I have a daughter in in the same position as yourself …Divorced from a bully and still being verbally abused and undermined by him but my grandchild believes all he says and has distanced herself from her mum and the whole family..It’s devastating and very difficult to deal with.

A good physiologist, one who is highly recommended is a good start if financies allow, if not get your GP to get you help.You need to see what’s really behind this estrangement and taught strategies to deal with it. My daughter did this and it’s helped her immensely and I believe save her from a much worse fate.

The support thread on this forum is priceless and the support and advice from smilelessand the other kind ladies was a real help to me in the early days…..my grandchild is very much loved and missed every day and I yearn for a hug from her so much it hurts and I wouldn’t have coped without this virtual support.

The good news is with the right help and support you will see things a bit clearer and will make a better life for yourself.Hard to believe that at present I know but please do get help for yourself and in time you will see a change in yourself.

BTW you are not wanting too much
To be included in a loved ones life isnt a lot to ask.
To be rejected by them is an awful burden.

I want to give you such a big hug.❤
Sometimes I wonder if the act of estrangement is 'genetic' as so many of us find ourselves in this situation repeatedly?
Of course it isnt, but how to explain the reoccurance?
It seems to me you have been as kind and open as you can to your son and his partner.
I'm sorry I dont have any constructive answers as yet.
I just wish you well

I added this to Brokenheated post. VioletSky suggested I begin new thread, and Smileless2012 added helpful suggestions.
Hoping others may have had similar issues and have been able to resolve them better than I. Grateful for Any suggestions. I am isolated and do not have any family. Friends are sympathetic but cannot relate. Thanks.