No contact with Narcissistic Mother

Hubby is NC with FIL and has been for years. FIL has narc behaviour and his father (who FIL practically idolizes; we heard a lot about "St. GFIL of Blessed Memory", as Hubby put it) was even worse.

While Hubby did decide to cut FIL off subsequent to our marriage, I was not the primary cause of the rift.

We still have contact with MIL and SFIL. (MIL and FIL have been divorced for years.) They're lovely people.

There are 2 threads about this

Narc, empath, gas lighting.

Much bandied around descriptions - who diagnoses all these 'narc' mothers?

I can't relate to you experience with your mum Susie but I can relate to not having someone who causes so much damage in my life anymore.

It's very early days for you and it is sad when we realise that even though we love someone, our lives will be happier an healthier without them.

It's good that you have the support of your AC and as for a friend whose incredulous, it's very difficult to comprehend an estrangement within a family when you've never experienced it.

I wish you well.

Good question Riverwalk

Susie345 I can relate to your experience. It is very hard and friends (and Gransnet posters) won't always understand. Unless they've been through it people will say things like 'Your mother is always your mother though, isn't she?' People don't understand. Talk and rely on people who are kind and who you can trust.

Riverwalk

Narc, empath, gas lighting.

Much bandied around descriptions - who diagnoses all these 'narc' mothers?

Just what I was thinking, it smacks of amateur psychoanalysis to bandy these words around.
Why not use plain English to describe the problem?
Cutting family members off totally, especially a Mother or Grandmother will have repercussions on you...think about it carefully.
Limited contact rather than none seems better for both parties.

Chewbacca

Good question Riverwalk

But is it the right question to ask here when the OP is clearly needing help?

Susie345 There is an estrangement forum on Gransnet where you might find more knowledge, help, kindness and empathy than you're finding here.

Susie345 I can relate completely.

Any good therapist can diagnose narcissism by the symptoms of their victim, the way we diagnose chickenpox by our bodies very specific reaction to it.

Have you heard of Parrish Millers traits of a narcissist mother? It's a free article you can Google and I found it very helpful to write out examples of each trait that I could look back on when I felt wobbly.

Journaling is fantastic because it helps undo the gaslighting. Of course my mother said I was "weird" for doing it but she was the one doing the gaslighting.

You have friends here who understand that for adult children like us, estrangement is not a choice but a necessity. You only have 1 life to live and you do not need to have a relationship with anyone who doesn't make you happy.

If people try to make you feel bad, simply say that you don't feel comfortable talking about it with them and stick to that boundary.

It's been a long time for me, at first it was hell while my mind fought to undo years of conditioning from an abusive person, eventually you will find peace with it

It's hard to grieve the mother you wanted and to accept that you will never have that. And then to go onto acknowledge that the person who is supposed to love and care for you has actually caused you harm.

But you are free. Block everything and don't feel like you have to justify your actions to anyone ever!

If someone brings it up say "I am very happy with my decision o not have any contact ever again with her" and then change the subject. Weather, mutual friend, upcoming holiday.
It does take time but have the stress and weight lifted from your shoulders is so wonderful.

Only a mental health professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, a psychologist or psychiatrist.
Not therapists, I think we have been here before VS.

Birdie then you know my opinion and that its pointless to argue about it when we could just show support for OP who has obviously been through something painful instead.

Bridie

Actually VioletSky, a good therapist could not diagnose based on what they see in front of them in a possible victim. A therapist might suspect, but a diagnosis can't be made without even meeting the other person. All a therapist knows is what they are told. Do you think that always turns out to be true and accurate?

I think what matter is that OP has obviously had a difficult relationship with her mother that has left her feeling hurt and it is something she needs support to heal from.

I understand OP. There's a lot of processing that needs to take place when you have distanced yourself from a parent. You'll find a lot here who can relate to aspects of your story. You might find some good support in the estrangement thread.

VioletSky

Birdie then you know my opinion and that its pointless to argue about it when we could just show support for OP who has obviously been through something painful instead.

Well said!

What is happening in the hearts and minds of people who feel the need to post on a thread to tell someone who is suffering which words to choose to describe their pain?

Just because you are all over this terminology and know how and when it should be used, doesn't mean that the OP isn't coming to this for the first time, clutching at straws and trying to find some peace and help anywhere she can.

Violet Sky, I am not arguing with you, just pointing out your opinion is wrong.
I find your posts self- serving, misleading and at times contradictory.
That is my opinion and I will no longer interact with you.

Bridie22

Only a mental health professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, a psychologist or psychiatrist.
Not therapists, I think we have been here before VS.

Given that there are international posters and differences in terminology that describes different professionals, I wouldn't worry too much about the specific term used. I tend to use the generic 'therapist' to cover psychologists or anyone in that kind of role on forums.

However, even some medical psychiatric diagnoses are not given without also talking with the family of the patient, where possible. Other people's views and experiences can be useful and informative.

Although you accept she will not change part of you wishes things were different and that makes for sadness or pathos. You have the support of the rest of your family but do think do you wish to cut contact for ever? Has mum tried to make any contact herself and you have rejected her? None of us are in your situation and you must decide what is best for you. I tried to appease a difficult mil who walked away. On reflection I should not have resurrected contact. You may be able to make it up with mum but if you do make sure it’s on your terms.

Cafeaulait Well unofficially for a long time a therapist could suggest that and they have (using therapist as an umbrella term of course).

Narcissistic victim syndrome doesn't have a solid presence in the DSM but the parameters of PTSD have been moved to accommodate it and officially I am certain narcissistic victim syndrome under that or another name will be in the DSM separately in future as a lit of people in the medical community re ognise and are asking for it.

But even so, It wouldn't be pulled up if I said my mother was depressed or anxious etc so I think we have to accept these terms, coming from victims of abuse especially, when they are describing what has very definitely happened to them.

clutching at straws and trying to find some peace and help anywhere she can.

Very well said Scones. So many people are trying to find a way through their own trauma the best way they can and with whatever support they can find. Regrettably, this thread isn't unique in having someone swan in and telling them that they're going about things in completely the wrong way; often by posters who have sought support themselves in the past too. None of us know what's really going on in another person's life. Compassion is all.

Bridie22

Violet Sky, I am not arguing with you, just pointing out your opinion is wrong.
I find your posts self- serving, misleading and at times contradictory.
That is my opinion and I will no longer interact with you.

Thank you

VioletSky, if someone told me they were a victim of someone with NPD, I will accept it at face value because that's clearly their perception and it tells you what they have experienced something a certain way. That message is more important than whether they are medically correct.

Just as you cannot diagnose someone post-humously (but can suspect), you can't diagnose someone who is absent. It would be possible to say, "It sounds like they might have been depressed or anxious..." or "I wonder if they might have been suffering from anxiety? This behaviour is characteristic of someone who could have been."

The terms a victim of abuse uses are less important than the meaning those terms have for that person.

I really really don't want this to upset OPs thread cafeaulait. I just believe her and I want her to be able to believe herself. If I am wrong and I often am, that doesn't change that I think using these words are acceptable for victims of abuse and professionals have agreed with me.

You are welcome to bring this discussion to its own thread or PM if you want but can we please put a stop to it here?