SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Violet, you need help and support, but one that deals with your issues. None of us are equipped to give the help you need, just as we if we went on a forum for victims of child abuse but had never suffered it, we could not get support as a grandparent who has become an inconvenience or is not useful, perhaps a dil not wanting to share her partner wit mil.. It wouldn’t be fit for purpose. By all means start a thread on abuse and if there is no one that comes on it, it will show you to seek help elsewhere. Maybe there will be people in your situations who can help each other and that would be good for everyone contributing. I wouldn’t as no experience of it.
Derbyshire, thank goodness you had your home weatherproofed.
Purple pixie I know just how you feel, it’s not natural is it not to be part of their lives, it’s taken my years for it to sink in. You have to accept tge impossible, but it can be done and you will move on. It’s her loss too.

Keeping busy does help purplepixie but I do understand the sadness and how difficult it can be to shift it. In the past I just went with it for a while but now Im trying to shove it in a black imaginary bin...

Yes Smileless, a long time to be estranged. I'm shamed to say that l kind of felt he must have been at fault in some way, but pleased that l knew that l didn't know the facts and wasn't sure.

I have seen occasionally threads on Mumsnet about estrangement. It seemed impossible to suggest on there that it is even possibly not the parents always at fault.

?. PP. what a shame you couldn't just call in for a cuppa when passing.

Just been out and checked for storm damage. Luckily nothing, apart from a few battered chrysanthemums. One of my big expenses this year was the best part of £2k spent in overhauling the roof, repairing the shed, sorting out leaky guttering etc. It was money well spent well spent. Without all that work I think I would be looking at considerable storm damage today.

"A stitch in time saves nine" and all that. ?

Hope you are all ok, especially those who live by the coast.

Stay safe, keep warm and have a good weekend,

Hi all on this wet and windy day.

I’m trying to keep myself busy today. I put a christmas cake in the oven and an afternoon of watercolour painting for me. My youngest son will be phoning tomorrow but no word from my eldest son. Two different characters entirely. I passed my daughters house last night and all the lights were on and I just wanted to pop in there for a cuppa. Alas that cannot happen as I dont want a scene in front of my two grand daughters. Anyway she probably wouldn’t open the door. I have tried so hard in the past. Today I feel sad about the whole thing. I used to make her a christmas cake as well.

Stay brave and strong my warrior friends.

Good afternoon everyone, I hope your weekend is going well so far.

Thank you Derbyshire Lass for another truly inspirational post!

That poor man Hilltop 30 years it must have meant a lot to him when you had that chat. I wonder how many times he's been able to open up about it. Not many I suspect, and I do think it's harder for men.

You're spreading the care and support; good for you.

I hope your greenhouse isn't too badly damaged Whiff. Good job you have your DS on hand to help you out. Just had a message from our girls to say they've checked our house and all's well. So glad when Mr. S. popped back on Thursday, I asked him to take down the large blue glass balls we have hanging up outside on the roof terrace and that he remembered to take them down .

It isn't a bad thing to question Bridie but please don't allow anyone or anything to detract from the comfort and help you've both received and given in return.

Can it be almost 9 years ago that I first posted here. I remember it well. Waiting to see if anyone would respond. I didn't have to wait long did I Yogin; there you were, the first and you've been here for me ever since. It's so good to have you back

Real friendships are made here, over many months and for some, many years. It makes this thread unique to GN IMO, and it's so good to see how everyone grows in strength, self confidence and self worth.

CafeAuLait yes your perspective is important as is the support you give to others. "This thread ranks up very high up the search listing" really!!! That's so good to know.

I get so much support and hope from this supportive thread. Im in awe of you ladies and your determination to live a good life in spite of estrangement and the pain you are living with, loss of a beloved husband, illness, the list is endless.
It really is a lifeline for me. Im not as positive as I perhaps I should be, but im working on that.

I just want to say thank you to all you warrior queens and wish you good luck in what you're planning to do, or are already doing.

Kindness and compassion truly helps and these virtues are here in the replies to all on this thread.

DerbyshireLass...I really hope tomorrows visit surpasses your expectations...in a good way ?

Ooops pressed the send button too soon.

Yes you have my blessing, that was not meant as sarcasm. I was not being facetious.

I truly hope you find the help and support you need.

VioletSky

I'm not sure what I could possibly have said on this thread or any of the support threads that is wrong so no I don't understand really.

But I have tried to leave and people keep tagging me back and not very kindly and I do know that I would never try to suggest to others how they heal or when they heal or even where.

Are we finished now and can I go?

With my blessing.

I haven't had confirmation yet but my son has stated an intention to visit tomorrow. I don't know whether or not my DIL will be coming. Last time he said he was coming he cancelled at the last minute with the flimsiest of excuses. I think DIL put a spanner in the works but obviously I have no proof. Maybe the same thing will happen tomorrow. We shall see what we shall see.

Whatever the outcome I shall be wary. If I am honest, I am not entirely sure I want him/them to come. The build up and the not knowing how it will go is rather unnerving to say the least.........

I have spent weeks now reading, watching podcasts and learning as much as I can.

I have learned this.....

Whilst I am happy to accept the proffered olive branch, even if there is no apology or explanation for their behaviour, going forward from here I will be much firmer and there will boundaries. I will be employing my "red velvet rope policy". There will be no more eggshells, and no more appeasement. I will be my true authentic self, there will be no more people pleasing.

I have changed so much in the last few weeks or perhaps it would be more accurate to say I have rediscovered myself. My husbands illness and death knocked the stuffing out of me and for years I have been lacking clarity and vision, just drifting along and not really fully engaging with life. Existing not really living.

Well the way my son and DIL treated me has been my wake up call. What they did to me has jolted me out of my grief and gloom. I have decided that I simply cannot afford to waste what's remains of my life on people who seek to belittle me and humiliate me or who don't treat me with respect, kindness and consideration. Going forward I will no longer suffer naysayers, drama queens, and emotional vampires.

I told my DIL that I would not tolerate her abuse and I meant it. I still do. I will welcome them back into my life but I will never be a doormat or pushover ever again. At the first sign of any nonsense I will push back. She can threaten emotional blackmail all she likes, I will continue to call her bluff.

I am prepared to let bygones be bygones and I wont dredge up the past but from now on in the rules of engagement have changed. .

2021 has been a bad year for me but I'm letting it go. I have big plans for 2022. They can be part of those plans or not, it's up to them. Either way, I shall be implementing some big lifestyle changes. I am done dwelling in the past. That's not living, it's just existing,

As my late husband used to say "that was then and this is now".

If they want to be part of my life well that's fantastic, if not well that's their loss not mine. I have wasted more than enough time on grief and sorrow.

It's time to reset.

I'm not sure what I could possibly have said on this thread or any of the support threads that is wrong so no I don't understand really.

But I have tried to leave and people keep tagging me back and not very kindly and I do know that I would never try to suggest to others how they heal or when they heal or even where.

Are we finished now and can I go?

Good Morning Everyone.

Thank you Poppy for your kind words, I am glad if my witterings have added value to the thread. We all share our experiences and learn from each other do we not.

Violet. I too think you might be better to either start or find a thread more suited to your particular circumstances. That is not to negate your experience of estrangement but it has to be said that some of your posts have clearly upset a number of posters on here, myself included. And there must be people who read only and do not post who have also been upset by your posts.

Violet you are clearly in a lot of emotional pain and still have a lot of healing to do. I genuinely think you need to look for support that is more targeted to your needs, probably both in real life and online.

I truly wish you well and hope you find a safe place where you can say exactly what you feel and think without upsetting people who have been estranged by their adult children or, who, like myself, are trying to keep a relationship alive.

The abuse you suffered is clearly unacceptable and you were right to estrange. However, this does not mean that ALL parents are abusers and it is very distressing that we who are innocent are tarred with the same brush or are subject to speculation that it is all our fault.

It is not helpful for us to be told we need to look at our behaviour and question ourselves.

Do you not think that we haven't already done this, that we havent spent countless hours ruminating, asking ourselves what we have done wrong, is it our fault, could we have handled things better.

I can't speak for everyone of course, I can only speak from my own personal experience. I will tell you I have lost count of the sleepless nights and the miserable days I have spent doing exactly that.

I have said this before and I will reiterate again.

After an extended period of reflection and questioning myself I can truthfully say my conscience is clear and that I have done NOTHING to warrant the way I have been treated. And now I'm done with all that. I refuse to torture myself any more. It's time for me to put all those questions to one side so that I can heal and grow stronger.

Violet I suggest you do the same. If you cannot do it alone than I suggest you get some outside help and support from sources other than this thread. I do hope you get the help you need and that you can start to put the past where it belongs......firmly in the past so that you can move forward.

This is true for all of us. We all need to learn from the past so that we can heal from our trauma and have happier, healthier lives.

VioletSky I will not argue with you I haven't directly quoted you but it's your general tone. I posted on another thread to defend estranged parents and grandparents after something you say. Guess what my post got deleted.

Smile is right about the abuse innocent parents and grandparents got by others. But thankfully they got banned or let back on under a new name.

Because this is a safe site for us parents and grandparents I have made peace what my son has done. But have wobbles along the way. Like I do over my husband's death. But the help,support, understanding and friendship I get here I face everyday a fresh.

That's great, if there's an understanding that it's for all as Whiff said, she assumed it was for grandparents, it would be a shame those looking for support don't post.

Kindness goes a long way for estrangement. Everyone has been through enough hurt and upset. Repairing and building each other up is what matters.

PS it wasn't the title of the threads deleted last year that was the problem, it was the content. There's nothing wrong with this thread's title and it will not be changed.

No it isn't PoppyBlue it just happens to be on GN and due to the demographic there are more EP's and EGP's posting here than EAC.

Thank you CafeAuLait.

PoppyBlue, there are problematic people in all generations. Some parents are the problem, some AC are the problem, sometimes it's a bit of both.

As an EAC, I've always felt supported and not judged in this thread.

Whiff, I suspect it's true on both sides, that people might question why an estrangement took place. Even as the estranged child, I suspect people might wonder what on earth was so bad about us to drive a mother to estrange her own child. The way I was told it there was a direct statement that she would not be part of our lives, from MIL. I'm not convinced MIL sees herself as the estranging party though.

I'd probably follow up the statement with something like, "That's up to you but you are welcome in our lives. However, you'll have to accept that the level of involvement you feel you need is too much for us."

I do wonder if DH responded with something like, "Good!" If so, MIL probably feels more like she was pushed out than did the pushing.

In either case, I did write to MIL later and invite her to work it out. She was invited to visit. Might as well have interacted with a brick wall for all the response that got so, as far as I'm concerned, it was her that made the choice to estrange. Of course, I'm well aware this is all my fault in MIL's narrative.

No I can believe it, there's some horrible, nasty human beings out there that take advantage of the older generation.
They come in all age ranges unfortunately and if you're in their way, you know it!

You can of course only post from your own perspective, no one knows the in the outs of others and their estrangement difficulties.

Reading Derbyshirelass, I think that's the posters name, sorry if not, is fantastic. She has realised her worth, isn't asking how high when they say jump and is focusing on herself, mirroring the same behavior and effort they are and doing things for her and her own wellbeing.
I think that is the support and umph some people need.

This thread is aimed and focused around parents and grandparents Not inclusive to all.

Especially if there's 2 threads, they need to be titled correctly to avoid upset to posters from both sides.
Yogin has said she doesn't like posting and feels she doesn't want to come back and Violet has said she will leave if she's upsetting others.

Both of those posters need to help and support.

This thread with this title has been running for years PoppyBlue. EAC have and do post here and are supported along with everyone else.

As I posted a couple of days ago, last year there were a couple of threads started by EAC for EAC which degenerated into EP/EGP bashing threads.

Rather than just posting about their own experiences as we do here, there were examples taken from the internet of appalling examples of parental abuse. Generalisations were made, tarring all EP's/EGP's with the same brush. 'No one estranges kind and loving parents'. 'You must have done something'. 'There's no smoke without fire'. 'There are always 2 sides to the story'. Particularly offensive and upsetting for those of us whose EAC are in a coercive controlling relationship; 'They learned in child hood that abusive behaviour is normal'.

Shocking isn't it, but I can assure you it's true. For a few of those who did try to participate in those threads, some went back years through threads and posts, re iterating what had been posted 5,6,7 years ago, re posting out of context in an effort to make a particular poster(s) look bad.

Some who weren't prepared to go that extreme, were more than happy to support those who did. Due to the aforementioned they were deleted and some posters were banned. The estrangement forum has IMO been a happier, healthier and safer place since.

Posters who needed support left; some have thankfully returned but not all.

A support thread for EAC if another is started, should be just that. Not a place to target all EP's and EGP's. We don't do that here and I suspect it wont be tolerated if it happens on a thread for EAC who estranged because they were abused, if it were to happen again.

I'll be back (sound like the terminator) and read through the other posts.

Whiff I've literally never said that because it is not what I believe. I have always said that abusive people come in all shapes and sizes. I have a good relationship with some estranged parents and we talk without issue.

I'm sorry my estrangement upsets people. It upsets me sometimes too which is why I still talk about it, trying to understand why my mum can't say and do what is needed to repair a lifetime of hurt.

If you want me to leave the thread that's fine, but please don't say things about me that I need to defend against or blame me for anyone else's behaviour as that is not fair.