SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Is it an awful thought that our estranged child or children have hurt us so much that if they suddenly were kind to us we would be suspicious. And wonder when the knife would appear in our back.

Since my husband died only spent one Christmas alone. When my son went to uni and his girlfriend now wife moved to live close to him. He only came home for Christmas his first year at uni. After his first year at uni he said mom I can't cope so I said stay there and get a job as there aren't any here and anyway you have made a life for yourself there. After that he worked in pubs until he worked as a chef which he did for 10 years. So he said he had to work Christmas but he always came to me for New year.

My daughter came home for Christmas . Until they brought their first house and would have spare bedrooms . They moved into the house 6 weeks before Christmas and needed to work on it. Still had my mom and mother in law alive. My brother had mom as usual and asked me to his but said no.

I had been prepared to have Christmas on my own since my husband died. And I had a lovely time. The next year I stayed a my daughter's and over the years took it in turns to have Christmas day with my daughter and son in law and boxing day with my son and daughter in law . Then the other way round the next year.

Until Christmas 2019 when I was living here . Was supposed to have it at son and daughter in law's but my son said mom I will be to tired to have you. ( He is a HGV driver . As being a chef wouldn't work as they wanted a family. So he took lessons and passed his HGV test first time. ) We will come to you boxing day. I said I haven't got any Christmas food in he said it's ok I will bring everything with us and cook at yours.

My daughter went mad. I said I will be fine in my own but she says no . So I had a lovely day with them.

I feel so stupid now I didn't realise that they didn't want me at their house now I lived closer. Boxing day 2019 was the last time I saw my daughter in law and other than eating she sat crocheting. While I played with my grandson's.

I know now all those years my son lied to me and spent Christmas with his wife to be and didn't have to work Christmas day.

Christmas was my husband's favourite holiday . 25 years ago I had a total hysterectomy a week before Christmas . So my husband cooked his first Christmas lunch. And did it every year aided by the children until his last Christmas 2003 when our children did it.

I have never let myself get sad at Christmas as I would be letting down my husband. This will be my second Christmas without my son and family. But I am not sad about it as none of this was my doing. I don't know if I will have Christmas by myself as my daughter hasn't mentioned Christmas yet. Last year we had it here as her youngest was only a month old and she had a c section. By rights they should be having it with my son in laws parents. Will wait and see.

If I do have it on my own I won't bother with turkey just have normal stuff but will have a naughty treat pud. Last year was a vegetarian Christmas . My daughter has been fully veggie since January but my son in law and grandson's eat fish.

As usual I have rambled on and don't know how to end my ramble. So I will say have a good night and sweet dreams. ?

Smileless That made me L.O.L I will be permanently banned if I do. I would really not want to mess it up if I am given a short window of time. Knowing my son, even if I am given a short window of time he will go radio silent on me again. Now he's treated me like this it would be hard to trust his motives so close to Christmas if he was kind.

Yes it does hurt Elless. I don't know why they do this. Thing is like many on here my youngest son and my nephew and neices say different to my ES and his wife and kids. He had the same childhood and same lack of finances etc. But it does deeply hurt. I've done without for years for my kids and grandchildren. Now I'm doing stuff for me starting with a nice jumper and a nice waistcoat I'm knitting all for me.

Socksandsocks01 same here, it's my EGS 2nd birthday today, I've sent a card but not heard anything, he only lives 10 doors away too. how awful for you for your GD to block you, it really hurts doesn't it.

My DD and GD left our home a year ago this week after vowing never to see us again we were so looking forward to a proper family Christmas again after all the hurt DD had put us through we managed to get through it as our DS still lives at home we were just glad when it was all over!
And now another Christmas is soon upon us
My DH still feels the same he feels DD has ruined Christmas for him I can’t make him feel any differently but I say is she going to ruin next Christmas and the Christmas after that! I don’t want to feel that it’s spoiled or ruined especially as our DS still lives at home. I just feel so sorry for our GD who is missing out on such a special time with her family including aunts uncles and cousins
times that DD throughly enjoyed as a child.
A lot of what you ladies have said definitely resonates with me how selfish and spiteful our children are do you think they enjoy hurting us does it give them power or do they feel they’ve gone to far and are too stubborn to make the first move?

Oooh well if they invite you over be sure to take your dog with you Onward.

yes Smileless well I'm fully booked because my family who are coming who maybe considered vulnerable, so although there could be space made, it would cause no end of upset to those who don't want to share space with the unvaccinated, so we will just be "full".
It makes me feel better to decide this now. If they want to invite us over on Boxing day perhaps we'll be free. They don't like our dog, so maybe that will be better LOL or we can just skip the whole thing.
I am still trying to get my head round Christmas and have started making the Christmas cake. We still have other family members to celebrate with. My ES and his family have no one, more fool them. I hope my son gets over this idiocy for the sake of his kids who are really going to miss out.

Brainwashed all under the one roof.

Well it's gd 21st bday today. No acknowledgement of card or small gift. I sent bday wishes via other gd Facebook and got promptly blocked by her too. I'm so hurt by the lot of them. Brainwashed under one

Gardener13

Hi, I would like to ask anyone spending Xmas alone, what they will be doing to help them cope without family. This will be my first Xmas I'm not having with my children, as all of them are with their inlaws.

There is a thread on this, which I have posted on, so take a look on there.

Never been faced with spending Christmas alone Gardener as I have Mr. S. but apart from one year when we went to Aus. and one when DS came over, it's been just the two of us.

The first of our estrangement was the worse but we still got out all the decorations and made the house look beautiful. It took a lot of effort but was worth it. I'm sure if you do the same you'll be glad you did.

We don't discuss our ES with his brother at all now Spring. We did and it seemed to be constantly at his behest, for 7 years but in the end I told him I didn't want to talk about his brother anymore.

We were just going over the same things, I needed to stop and it was spoiling the time we have together which with him being in Aus. is all the more precious.

He knows if he needs too, if there's something wrong, if he's worried or if he's struggling we'll talk but thinking about it, none of us have mentioned him at all or the children, not even at the beginning of this month when it was ES's birthday, or Tuesday of this week when it was our youngest GS's and
Mr. S.'s on the same day.

In total agreement with Onward dogs make a house a home.

So you can't have you son and d.i.l. over Christmas even if they ask you, because you're fully booked. How wonderful Onward; I hope they ask.

So sad to hear about the 'little Xmas book' with it's ripped Xmas paper Smiles and what a shame your DS is in Oz still, wish he would come back now he's single, but thank God for zoom calls

Why our estD/S have done such a cruel thing and kept it going all these year. Instead of happiness, love and laughter, they have turned all that joy into tears, pain & great unhappiness.

I haven't read the last page here, as there are lots of post and I need to get ready for my work, but just wanted to 'say' that little post to Smiles

Derbyshirelass, everything you say is totally reasonable! I totally understand why you want and need a break! I'm glad you will be treating yourself and hope you do get that special time on boxing day!

I am quietly hoping there will be a boxing day seeing as we have made arrangements with other family members now, so cannot have ES and family even if they ask (which I somehow doubt) Perhaps keeping busy is the answer and before we know it, Christmas will have passed.

Yes Elless, thankful for my Ac who treats us well.
Spring that sounds great! I can vouch for canine company!

Gardener13 I'm so sorry that all your kids are at their inlaws this year. In your position I would consider going to a hotel for Christmas and being waited on, if that's something that appeals to you?

Not spending Christmas alone Gardener because this year have invited a relative whom we’ve regrettably not spent much time with over the years, but who’s delighted to have been asked! They are bringing their dog….maybe it will help us decide whether or not to get a canine friend ourselves! Smileless, glad your DS from Australia was in touch on Mr S’s bday. Was moved by you saying how meaningful it was for you to hear him call you ‘Mum’. Feel the same when our non estranged son says ‘I love you’. Because of circumstances, feels so much more meaningful & validating. He’s still occasionally in touch with our EC, but tbh we don’t speak much with him about them. Not exactly sure why not.

Hi, I would like to ask anyone spending Xmas alone, what they will be doing to help them cope without family. This will be my first Xmas I'm not having with my children, as all of them are with their inlaws.

I hope it will be just the three of you DSL, at least you'll be able to have an enjoyable and relaxing day. In your shoes I wouldn't invite them for Boxing day either but I understand you'll want to see the children.

I'm sure you'll find the book illuminating Elles and Whiff,I know I did. You'll have to let me know that you think. 'Abandoned Parents Healing Beyond Understanding' is also
very good but a bit heavier as it goes more into the psychology.

She asked me to read it in it's original draft. It's very good but the one you've ordered has a broader appeal I think.

Smiles just ordered that book. As both you and Yogin recommend it must be worth reading.

Just had a quick look at that book, it looks really good and it's it's got fantastic reviews.

You go DerbyshireLass I hope you have a lovely Christmas, it is time you were waited on though after 37 years. I feel guilty this year because I literally can't do Christmas with me being non weight bearing but at least it will be lovely and quiet. I've noticed a lot of us seem to have an AC who makes up for their siblings faults thankfully.

Another one with a cowardly son.....that's why he is in such a pickle now. As you say Onward, our boys can't possibly be happy. No one can thrive in an abusive relationship, and let's face it, that's exactly what these marriages are. Toxic and abusive.

And like you, what concerns me most is the impact it will have on the little ones. They are the little innocents in all this and they are the ones who will be "collateral damage" in the war zones that our selfish, self obsessed children have created. It makes my blood boil to think of the damage our hapless offspring are inflicting on their children.

I haven't yet quite decided on whether or not to buy my son and DIL Christmas presents yet. It depends on what happens over the next few weeks. Im keeping an open mind, but if I do I will definitely be scaling back on all future Christmas and birthday presents. It will be just a "minding". I have been far too generous in the past but it's not been appreciated. DIL has even had the audacity to call me "cheap".

I don't recall my son thanking me for his birthday present this year, (and it was by no means cheap) ?. It was actually around his birthday when everything blew up and the silent treatment began.

DIL behaved like a stroppy teenager when they came for Christmas Day last year. She spent most of the day on her mobile phone and she created an awful atmosphere. I was in tears after they left, so in all honesty I am disinclined to play hostess with the mostest this year. It's time they took some responsibility and created their own family Christmas rather than relying on me to be chief cook and bottle washer.

As I said before I don't even want her to set foot over my threshold ever again and since the nonsense began she hasn't, but I may have to allow it, purely for my sons sake and so that I can see something of my grandchildren. It's no exaggeration to say she makes my flesh crawl. When I look at her all I can see is evil. It wouldn't bother me if I never clapped eyes on her again but I doubt that I will be that lucky.

My second son and his girlfriend have invited themselves for Christmas Day and I am more than happy (and so are they) ' for it just to be the three of us. Let peace and harmony reign,

So...........I have been thinking I'm going to suggest that my son and DIL have Christmas Day in their own home, just the 4 of them or whoever they choose to spend the day with and that I will be happy for them to come here on Boxing Day. (That's if they are actually speaking to me) ?. I know it sounds mean and petty of me but I'm tired of being used and taken for granted. I'm am done with being a doormat.

I am 70 years old and I just can't be bothered any more. I have hosted Christmas for the last 37 years, I've had enough. We always had a house full, both sets of grandparents sleeping over for several nights. My husbands parents used to come and stay for a week.

I think I've done my fair share, time I handed over the baton to the next generation. I am happy to have my youngest son and girlfriend here, they have already said they will "do Christmas" next year when they have moved to a bigger house.

But in all honesty, I'm hoping this is the last time I have to cook a bloody turkey. I don't even like the wretched stuff. lol. But it's tradition innit.?

And yes, I will definitely be treating myself with the money I've saved. Either a spa day or something nice and shiny that comes in a small box, ?

Yes, me too Smileless . I know my son is a coward because he hasn't said anything. He has just disappeared and gone silent.

These boys cannot be happy adults in good relationships, either. If only they would get therapy and sort out whatever is their problem. Otherwise they are passing down their nonsense to their own children, whether they mean to or not.

Yes he's a coward all right Onward. I'm not ashamed that we we've been estranged but I am ashamed that we raised a coward.

Oh Smileless, that's so cruel and I'm so sad for you. I cannot understand how anyone can be so cruel to their parents. Even if your parents had been awful, you could still be the bigger person. Your son sounds like a real coward, especially as I know he lived so nearby.

Yes, the drawer is where it's going! If he wants it, he can contact me himself. I'm not running around posting things to him anymore, especially now I know he's been saying nasty things about me. It hasn't worked though as my other son wants nothing to do with him. Silly boy!

He is coercive, manipulative and vindictive. All I can say is, he must be a real pleasure to be around right now. Sarcasm!

Can we start a new post especially for what we are going to spend their Christmas gift money on (for ourselves!) I think it might teach some AEC lurkers a lesson to see us getting on with our lives and treating ourselves. We have sacrificed much, loved and lost. This is our time now.

Smiles we crossed posts. I will look for that book. As you and Yogin recommend it.

I am very lucky I get to be called mom every week. I know how much that means to me . Sorry you don't get it weekly. Hopefully you can go to Australia sooner than you think.

Glad Mr S had a good birthday. Enjoy the rest of your holiday. ?

OnwardandUpward after my gifts and cards where sent back all unopened with that letter. I have never sent anything again . I couldn't believe my son and daughter in law could be so selfish and not let my grandson's have their gifts. So my grandson's have had no birthday ,Easter or Christmas presents since. And won't unless my son decides he wants his mom back. He hurt me to much sending them back along with that letter. Won't let him hurt me that way again. But am sorry my grandson's are the losers.

You should have a spa day it will do you the world of good.

As parents we always put our children first . Time we put ourselves first. ?