SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

A post I wrote on here got deleted by GN even though I didn't name the person and it was about a hypothetical book . When I asked why this was their reply. Word for word.

"We deleted the post because although you didn't name anyone it was obvious who it was about .

This sort of posting details the thread and it just isn't in the spirit.'

So SilentObserver you don't have to name a person to get deleted.

Just a quick hello to wish you all a Happy New Year and to say I haven't forgotten you all and the wonderful support you have shared. So sorry I'm too wrecked to catch up and join in - my health is being a right royal pain. But not here for tea and sympathy just to wave and send a bit of gratitude and empathy in the direction of all. In my best Arnie voice: I'll be back. x

Everyone is on this thread for support in their pain (apart from maybe a few sadistic voyeurs). We all contribute by sharing our stories, for want of a better word, and describing our day to day struggles. Sometimes, we vent, sometimes we cry, sometimes we just watch and do not have the strength to participate. We ar all vulnerable.

I, personally, find it helpful to hear all views and all points of view, as we can all learn from another perspective. But only where these views are expressed in general terms and do not constitute unkind attacks on individual posters.

Come on, life is hard enough, let's show each other a little kindness, please.

3nanny6

I am sorry for your situation with your adult child. I know the pain of walking on eggshells to keep contact with the grandchildren all too well.

I hope you will not be attacked for expressing an objective opinion. As long as no one is calling another out of their name or being mean-spirited, I can’t see why so many here feel the need to rush to anger. It’s okay for people to have different perspectives. There is no need to turn to tribalism and defensiveness just because we share different views.

Well here goes I have not posted on here for many months but in the past found the support of Smileless2012 , Madgran, and PetitFromage helpful to me. I have often read the posts and lurked staying quiet in the background. I like PF have felt should I even come on here as I too have been in Limbo land part estranged and part not. Living that way takes its toll on your mental and physical health only having tried for so long to keep the contact with my GC I suppose I was just keeping myself between a rock and hard place.
I am not wanting to criticize anyone on here because in our semi estrangement/full estrangement we all know a place of pain but forgive me for saying that there is a tiny part about the postings of DerbyshireLass that were very disconcerting to read and even though DLass wanted to hold onto her relationship with her son which is understandable their was much animosity which was put on her sons wife that I found
over the top and like Yogin and SilentObserver mentioned it just was not nice. I found the "joke" where Warrior Queens was introduced to us who came here to this thread that was who we had become. I am just quiet unassuming trying on a daily basis to understand and move on to better times with my Adult children and I am certainly not and never will be a
Warrior Queen. I am not a confrontational person and am just expressing my opinion at what has made me feel like sometimes not posting to express any kind of criticism others think you are trouble making.
DLass no body wants you to leave I am not saying anything of the sort but I can be over sensitive mainly because of the hurt and pain I have experienced from my semi estrangement from AD and GC. I sometimes try to express that on threads like this only there is less than positive posts on occasions and I just feel any input from myself is unwanted.

Wishing you all a Happy New YEAR.

Letting go is all I wish for you and others.

Smileless, the internet is not a place for private conversations. If you post on a public forum, anyone else can also post. It doesn’t mean you will or should agree with everything posted. Peace and healing be unto you!

Observer......let it go. Just give it a rest.

I'm finding this thread rather surreal ATM. Two questionable posts the other day, and now another. I say this because one of the comments from the first of those posts was clearly directed at me, although I was not named.

I'd been got at by that poster, now gone thankfully, who just before posting here had done exactly the same thing on another thread. That post was thankfully deleted too.

Not how I would normally respond to a 'new' poster SilentObserver but IMO your post "come here if you hope for the downfall of your adult child" is quite frankly ludicrous.
That said at least you were prepared to 'name' me although I'd prefer not to be referred too as "some like".

Did you ever post when you came here looking for insight?

I think it is pretty evident that this thread is just what the people who post here are looking for. Not for everyone I'm sure, but for those who do not feel they do or can benefit I see no point in others coming on to lower the mood.

DSL that is wonderful news. A testament to not only the need for this thread but the good it has been doing for more than 8 years, and long may it continue.

And just so you know DSL, my own estrangement happened because I foolishly intervened in the conflict between two sons. I truly hope you do not engage in putting down your son and his wife down to his brother. Please don’t instigate the rift, no matter how justified you feel.

DSL, unless your son has expressed these very things to you, it sounds like you speculate about things that can only truly be known to your son and DIL. A lot what you write is your own personal perspective on the relationship of a marriage to which you do not belong. You have alluded to your wishful thinking of the demise of your som’s marriage several times on here. This is what I mean by your potential enmeshment. You said you saw your son and family during Christmas, them criticized them for not having heard from them in only a week. Does that seem rational to you? I’m sorry, I’m not trying to attack you. It just seems you are absolutely latching on to negativity mostly lead by your own expectations of what your relationship with them should be.

Chewbacca,
This thread has never been a support for me. Read and understand what I wrote. I clearly stated thread that read for insight, not for my own support. I don’t find support in intentionally keeping myself in a place of perpetual negativity and anger. Therapy works if you want it to. For me this thread was a look into what I initially felt were different experiences of coping with estrangement. It deteriorated into some really mean-spirited speculation and encouragement of ill feelings amongst even those who weren’t estranged. I realize it’s more if an echo chamber really, where bad blood between family is cheered and hailed. I wish for all those involved to find peace and true healing. Peace be unto you all.

Derbyshirelass you don't need to explain yourself to people. Anyone that took time to read your posts understands where you are coming from. I've learnt one thing in my life. No matter how good or kind my words and deeds are; someone will always find fault. Ignore them xx

It spurs me on to stiffen my spine and not let me be used as their doormat. I too want to join the Warrier Queens and King's. If we had abused our kids I'd fully understand their need to cut us off. I refuse to jump through hoops any longer I've done it to keep in touch but to no avail. I don't feel like reconciling at all. Not at the moment

DSL - please do not waste your energy on explaining yourself to people who are unworthy of your headspace or attention. Unfortunately, may people project their own issues to the extent where their posts lose logic or validity. Remember the brave posts up thread, about not giving in to bullies.

Warrior Queens is a brilliant description of us all, sisters in arms, and we will not bow to the toxicity of a few, random and irrelevant infiltrators. And to all those who would seek to derail the thread by your cruel comments and lack of emotional intelligence, I say 'If you can't say something nice, say nowt', or some such, as the saying goes (I think )

Don't worry I am64.

I am staying. I am not going anywhere, not after the wonderful support and friendship I have been show. It would be churlish of me to leave under such circumstances.

For those who object to me referring to myself as a Warrior Queen whilst my apology for having given offence is sincere Warrior Queen is what I am, what I have had to become in order to survive. And I make no apology for that.

But don't worry, underneath the armour there beats a gentle heart.....?

DerbyshireLass people has disagreed with what I have said. Which is their right. But I will not be bullied from a thread where I feel safe and understood. I have found friendship here and know I am not alone.

I can't talk about how I feel with my family. My daughter has washed her hands of her brother not because of the email he sent her but his treatment of me.

My brother just gets angry and want' s to know what the fig he ever did to his nephew to be cut out of his life plus the way he has treated me.

My best friend is a counselor the first time I mentioned what my son had done she put on her counselor voice and told her I didn't need or want a counselor but my friend. So I don't talk about him .

Here is the only place I can talk about him my grandson's and how I feel.

This is not just a place for the fully estranged but for those who have a pending estrangement and for those who have been reunited with their estranged family member. Because even if they are reunited it will never be the same as it was before. And it could happen again.

So anyone saying it is only for the fully estranged is wrong. Smiles made this a safe place for all.

Yogin I know you are going through a stressful time moving as you are on the thread I was on all the time and left. But please do not attack someone here who needs help,support , understanding and friendship.

No one would deny you those things.
After beveveament ,buying and selling a house comes second for stress and I would put estrangement third.

Kindness and understanding doesn't cost anything. This is the start of a new year let's not start by having a go at eachother.

DSL I hope the many comments here will help you reconsider leaving the thread.

Estrangement hurts everyone involved. It’s always unfortunate when the moral high ground intervenes.

Well my dear friends it seems that I was right, there are people on this thread who resent me, who find my presence here unpalatable.

I am not sure if they are wilfully deliberately misinterpreting my posts or if it's my fault for not always expressing myself clearly and succinctly enough.

I have already explained the Warrior Queen thing was just a self deprecating joke but it appears to have really upset some of you, once again I can only apologise if my levity has given offence. It was definitely never intended.

I shall leave it there.

I’m simply saying perhaps get the thread back in a place of support in the positive sense?

As an irregular poster but a constant lurker to this thread, I'd disagree with the observation that it "encourages ill feeling" or that it no longer offers support "in a positive sense". It's developed into a space that evidently provides what it's contributors need; somewhere to exchange experiences, get some moral support, find some humour and vent their anger and frustration without judgement. It pretty much does what it says on the tin. It's a shame that it no longer offers what you're looking for SilentObserver but I'm sure you'll find a niche somewhere that suits your needs.

Silent Observer.

Where do you get the idea that I want my sons marriage to end in divorce. I absolutely do not. I want him to have the same kind of happy marriage that my husband and I had for 34 wonderful years.

Sadly he does not have that and never will. He is married to a malignant narcissist who controls and manipulated him. She has already isolated him from most of his friends and extended family, she has destroyed his relationship with his brother and is now hell bent on Cutting me out of his life.

I hang in there, not purely to see my grandchildren but to try and protect my son. I am deeply concerned about his health and welfare and I will do all I can to,keep,the channels kf communication open so that he has somewhere and someone he can turn to when he needs refuge.

I very much resent the implication that you think I you would exult in the disintegration of my sons marriage.

As for steeping back from "negative energy" towards my DIL. Again you are very much misinformed. I welcomed her into my life and home with open arms thrilled that my son had found someone who I thought would make a wonderful partner for him. She deceived us all.

And even after she treated me so badly I have still allowed her a place in my life, still shown her nothing but compassion and friendship. She simply throws it all back in my face.

Despite what you think I am not harbouring anger and resentment, only sadness. I don't do bitterness.

I have nothing further to say to you.

To suggest that I have turned this thread into "Come here if you hope for the downfall of your adult children" is absolutely outrageous".

@Yogi, I wasn’t commenting on her right to post here so much as I was the content of her posts. I read a lot of it and it just really struck me, and not in a good way. The lack of estrangement is an awesome win in and of itself. The relationship isn’t ideal, but it exists! I cannot say this for one of my beloveds, whom I’d still never wish such awful life outcomes for. I gave birth to him. No matter what, my heart would never stray so for from the essence of motherhood.

I think others here do not realize when approval of such pernicious ideas and thoughts are given, there are actual human beings behind such instigation. There is a family who is not at all estranged behind this. Few are acknowledging this because everyone is projecting their their own pain. Why on earth would a group of mothers even want to encourage strife of a family knowing what we have gone through? Surely the support and encouragement should not be to root for the breakdown of a family? There are real people behind these posts. Surely there is a moral obligation to not encourage ill-feelings? It’s not nice. Not nice at all. I’m simply saying perhaps get the thread back in a place of support in the positive sense?

Oh my goodness. I am so overwhelmed by all of your kindness and support.

Yogin - thank you. I accept your apology, that was very gracious of you.

Yes I do feel very low at the moment. I am hurting very much, I miss my husband dreadfully and whilst I did see my son on Christmas Day it was not a particularly pleasant experience. Madam did everything she could to ruin the day. My tongue was almost bitten through. ?

I have just had a lovely chat with my friend, the one who has cancer. She too has family issues. My God but there are so many of us around. Despite her battling with cancer she is a tower of strength and always has time to listen to me and support me We had a lovely chat and ended up laughing at life.

I think to myself well If she can remain so strong and resilient then so can I. She really is a warrior queen.

Yes I also have this mental image of Smiles riding her chariot, sword and shield at the ready. It cheers me up no end.

I love the words of Aud Lang Syne. A cup of kindness goes a long way.

Anyway It's a new year and I'm determined to make a fresh start. I am drained and exhausted so I'm going to rest and start taking much better care of myself. I have gained weight and my blood sugar levels have crept up, a sure sign I've been neglected myself. Time for serious TLC.

I have no idea when I can expect to see my son and DIL again. I heard nothing from them until I had text from my so;last night to wish me happy new year. Nothing from Madam.

To,misquote Rhett Butler in "Gone With the Wind" .....

"Frankly my dears, I don't give a damn". ?.

Hope you all have a lovely New Years Day. I'm off to tuck into coffee and croissants.

yohi I was in semi estrangement for years before full estrangement.

It’s an awful difficult place to be because the folks involved will always turn your words, your deeds and actions into what ever they perceive them to be and always so different to what you intended.

You really can’t do right for doing wrong.It’s exhausting and when full estrangement finally arrives it can be a little bit easier.

We as a family would handle it in a different manner now but that’s with experience and hindsight.

I hope you get a bit of peace from your pain. That’s exhausting too.

QuoteSilentObserver Sat 01-Jan-22 12:04:33
@Yogi, I tend to agree.

Thank you for your support, I appreciate it. x

I don't know what's happened but please stay. When my world went belly up this forum kept me sane and made me realise it wasn't just me. Derbyshirelass. Whiff. Smiless and the regulars on here kept me going. It's all those poor unfortunate ones just like us who will sadly join our ranks who will need you. Sound advice and friendly folk. You all mean so much to all of us. Stay. Stay with us so we can all help the new lost souls who depend on strangers when families stick the knife in. Xx