SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Good idea to get those valuations started DSL you'll know your budget which will help you with your search.

Renting first is a good idea, not something I could face though. Moving twice is a lot of work and additional expense but if you don't know where you want to buy, I can see why you're thinking about it.

I'm glad you had a reply to your text, as you say it shows the channels of communication remain open. Making decisions and choices based on what's best for you is definitely the way to go.

You need those firm boundaries in place and they need to know what and where they are. It's so hard to feel that you can't do the 'normal' instinctive things with your own child, because they'll take advantage of you if you do.

We must all do what we can for our physical and emotional well being. Nothing that gives us strength, courage and determination is a bad thing.

A strange week for me this week. Mr. S. went away on Sunday to watch some in door Bowls world championships games. He left Sunday before I was up and wont be back until tomorrow afternoon.

I can't remember the last time we were apart and our large house feels even larger without him in it. Can't wait for him to get back.

Derbyshirelass you sound really strong. My mam’s saying was that the “worm will one day turn” and she was talking about me. I was too soft in the past with my first husband who was a wife beater who should have been kicked to the kerb from day one. I did turn and left him, but after many miserable years. Now I am having misery from my eldest children and he was their dad. I tried when they were young to cover things up and make life as happy as I possibly could. But they saw and heard things that children shouldn’t. It should make them more loving towards me but no it has made them act just like him towards me. Thank goodness I have my youngest son who had a different dad.

I have also cancelled plans in the past to accommodate them but never again. My daughter lives just 2 miles from my house and I pass her place on my way to the shops. After not seeing or speaking to her in 7 years I just couldnt care less if I dont see her again. My eldest son finished me off with his phone call on 20th December. Christmas is an emotional time but today I feel a lot stronger.

Yogin - I wish you well with your new home and new beginnings.

I am 69 and dont want to waste another minute.

Good Morning Everyone.

Now that we have got Christmas behind us I hope you are all feeling a little better. It's an emotional time, and I too have struggled. Have felt quite unwell at times but hopefully I'm picking up now and on an upward trajectory.

I am done with sadness, grief and sorrow. From now on I choose happiness.

Still haven't heard from my DIL since Christmas Day. I did text my son, just a brief update, kept it light and breezy and SHORT?. Received a nice friendly text back. I'm happy enough with that. At least it means the communication channels are open.

I am not holding my breath for regular visits, in fact I think keeping a distance, allowing space and time is probably my best way forward, so I am playing it very cool. Hopefully absence will make their hearts grow fonder, although I'm not very hopeful that DILs heart will warm towards me. I have given up on that score.

At any rate I will not be so readily available in future, nor will I change my plans merely to accommodate them should they condescend to grace me with their presence on a last minute whim,

I did that in the past, I would cancel plans and rearrange my own life because I was so happy to see them. The end result was that I got taken for granted. Well not any more. The worm has turned.

I know many of you don't like my Warrior Queen analogy but from now in that is what I shall be. ?. No more being afraid of what the future may hold. I'm done with that.

Yogin.....great news that you have exchanged.....how exciting, stressful and exhausting of course but none the less still a positive thing to do. A new house, a new life .....Whiff is right, a whole new world will open up to you.

Which is exactly what I am now working towards. I have got some EAs booked for valuations. So it begins. I am so ready to move and make a much fresh start.

I have no idea where I want to live, what type of property. Rather than be rushed and make a mistake I will probably go into rented for a while then I can take my time and find my perfect little nest. I want to downsize and simplify.

All I know is I'm 70 and who knows how many "good" years I've left. My time is now very precious and I am not going to waste what time I have on people who don't want me, or only tolerate me for their own ends......even if they are family.

So whether it's 2 years or 20 I am going to get busy living,

It's a gorgeous day, cold but bright and sunny. I am going to wrap up warm and head off out, I do need to pop into ASDA - oh the excitement?. But a perfect day for getting out and about. .

Purplepixie thank you. I am addicted to cross stitch. It my stress realise.

Yogin the dragon is fantasy but I have done a Welsh dragon for my brother a few years ago. He is a biker and they used to have the Dragon run a biker gathering in Wales.

Yogin when I was moving it was a mixture of stress and fear. I wasn't sad to leave my home of 34 years as it had become a mill stone round my neck. Once I put it on the market I detached myself from it. I knew I loved the bungalow and the area I was moving to. But my fear was about what the neighbours would be like. But they are lovely . Friendly and always ready to lend a hand if needed.

Once everything is packed and the house is empty don't be sad you take your memories with you. But look forward to a new life in your new home. New people to meet and new experiences . ?

It will be fine Yogin. It's such a stressful time but on the day you'll be so busy that any worries will be put to one side and you'll be amazed at how smoothly it goes.

It's very sad isn't. Hard to believe that they can be so cruel and as you say keep it going year after year.

Thanks everyone for your kind words regarding my move, I'm more frightened than excited though!

3nanny6 I think you're doing the right thing in regards to getting your D shopping, I know you must feel bad about it, but if she won't let you see your GC, then she shouldn't be asking. Maybe she will now rethink and let you back into their lives properly. Good luck x

You clever girl Pixie love the painting! and Whiff nice dragon, is it welsh?

I just feel an overriding sadness when I read all these loving mothers on here with broken hearts. The sadness of why why did they do this and keep it going for so many years, depriving themselves of a loving mother and depriving their C of a loving grandmother and grandfather.

Whiff - Your dragon is fantastic! I am sure your sister in law will be over the moon with it.

DIL’s birthday today so I sent along a card and had some flowers delivered on saturday. She did text on saturday to say thank you for the flowers. My eldest son is supposed to be at their holiday home but I am not sure if he is or not, only what DIL had text the other day. I know he wont apologise for the way he spoke to me on 20th December. Families!

Onward what I was saying rubbish to was your idea that my son couldn't cope with reminder that he has only one parent now.

I know it wasn't aimed at me . But when my dad died I cherished my mom all the more. I would never have turned against her because she reminded me I only had one parent.

Even as awful as my mother in law was I looked after her. She was my husband's mom and family. It wasn't her own family who sat by her bed side while she was dieing I did that to for someone I hated. But family means something to me it's how I was brought up. Her family soon appeared once she was dead.

I've never seen an EP say they no longer love their EAC Elless. As you say the bond between a parent and the child they love remains, it's what makes our love for them unconditional, even if we no longer know or like them because they're no longer the person they once were.

Of course, no one really knows how they would feel or what they would do in a particular situation, until they are faced with it. We only know how we feel now, and that goes for our EAC too.

The article you read is interesting 3nanny and doesn't surprise me as I've seen posts from EAC on GN saying they wouldn't want to be left anything by their parents or anyone they'd estranged.

FWIW I think you did the right thing. I know you worry about your D and your GC going without but it's understandable that you've reached a point where you need to prioritise your own feelings.

Your painting is beautiful PP, and your crochet. I love your dragon Whiff. A couple of very talented ladies for sure.

I also get pm's from people who don't feel they post on GN Onward. Some left the forums because of unpleasantness which is such a shame. Some leave all together which is upsetting when you feel that they need the advice and support that led them to GN in the first place.

It's good to know though that when they pm they've 'identified' with one or two posters they feel comfortable with to talk too privately.

It must 8 years since I heard him on the tv saying that Onward and it stayed with me.

"Onward sorry but rubbish!" Whiff nothing I have said is rubbish to me. I am sorry you cannot relate, but it's rude to call my thoughts "rubbish". I am just as entitled as anyone else to speak freely here. I know your situation as you have spoken of it before and I am genuinely sorry for it. Please don't invalidate my own, because this is a support forum- not somewhere where people should feel belittled for having a different experience or feeling.

Lets all be kind and accept that we all have different experiences but that no one needs to call someone else rubbish for having a different experience than them.

Indeed I don't know what has happened here, but the amount of messages I get from people who feel they cannot write here because people are being nasty, is sad.

Good point about Desmind Tutu Smileless.

Lovely art and crafts ladies! How wonderful to see what you've been making! I won't post mine as it would out me. lol

3nanny6 glad you feeling positive. Hope you enjoyed your walk.

Purplepixie both pieces of work are beautiful.

Here's my latest piece of work it's for my sister in law's 60th.

My crocheted throw for my sitting room. X

Thank you for all of your kind words.

This is my latest watercolour which I had made into christmas cards for last christmas. Painting and knitting have got me through some terrible times.

Madgran and Smiles thank you I do feel fitter than I was. But my exercise class is fun and lovely bunch of people . Instructors are very encouraging .

Elless since my son said zero contact. I have thought a lot of how I feel. Yes I still love him . But I would only want people who love me to know if I need an operation, become terminally ill or die.

Yogin that is great news for you and not long to go until 28th you must be feeling excited a new start almost here. Your buyers like to take up time anyway it's all done now so one less thing to worry about. That is a lot for removals although everything is costly these days although one payout for it and then you are on your way to new home. Like your son I took my dog out yesterday for a good walk it was not raining though. I am paying the price for it today with aching legs probably a bit too much yesterday as still getting over the Covid.

Smileless ; you wrote I will not make decisions on how he may or may not feel. Why would you make decisions about him after 9 years of estrangement the once happiness and closeness you had is gone and you moved your life forward to give yourself and Mr. S. your best life possible without him and GC in it.
In regard of the decision to dis-inherit I do not think that is leaving the E.A.C with a legacy of revenge, being unforgiving or that they were no longer loved. I read an article somewhere about dis-inheriting the EAC and the article reinforced the idea that to leave the EAC any inheritance can be adding toxic unwanted interference into their lives. If it is the case of the E.A.C being the one to estrange they are saying they do not want us in their lives any longer they want nothing from us and no contact and the article said the money from inheritance can carry toxicity with it and so it is best not to leave anything. I would agree with that.

I know we are all different in our estrangements and have our boundaries and priorities for me with my daughter in this rather limbo land of semi-estrangement I have not sat down or been in close contact with my 3 GC for 7 months and it feels like 7 years to me but I am not complaining I am getting on with life. In that seven months it feels that I no longer even know them or indeed have never been close to them.
On my Daughters part she is willing to accept presents for the children and still asks for financial help to go and buy groceries for her. Last week-end she wanted me to meet her to get her a supermarket shop as she was short on food. I stood up to having my own priorities this time and declined saying I had some large heating bills to pay and was short myself.
Suddenly realizing that having no contact with my GC but buying presents and doing food shops is little compensation for me and without the grand-parent bond coming from the children I am only banging my head against a brick wall.
I may as well put food into the food bank for families than what I am doing as GC are becoming strangers to me.

Still staying positive so am off for a short walk and some fresh air.
Take Care All.

I have found it interesting to read everyone's comments after my post but I am really disturbed if/when the (hypothetical) situation arises. The fact that we all say we still love our EAC but don't like them shows there is still that motherly bond and I don't want to tell people to keep them away if anything happens because I really don't know how I would feel at the time.

Great news that you've exchanged contracts Yogin some to celebrate.

Desmond Tutu said that forgiveness needs the 3 R's; remorse, repentance and restitution from the person seeking forgiveness. I think we can forgive for own sake, but for someone to be forgiven for what they have done, I agree with him.

That is a sign that your fitness is improving Whiff. Well done.

On a happier note my walk back from Aldi I have cut 10 mins off my time. Only 30mins this time carrying my backpack full of shopping. My exercises must be paying off

That's a really good sign of getting fitter Whiff ???

Yogin glad you have exchanged . Don't use Pickford's for your removals had horrible time with them. I had my things stored for 2 weeks as I wanted some things done in my bungalow before my things arrived. Everything was covered in a thin layer of what looked like soot. So if you are storing some things make sure about the conditions they are stored in . My removals ,storage and delivery was almost £3,000 I moved 100+ miles . This was in 2019.

Purplepixie has a painting on the art and craft forum under think it's watercolour it's beautiful it's the first one on the page .

Think I have said if I become seriously ill , need an operation or die my son will not be told. He has shown he no longer cares about me so there is no reason for him to know. He has cut ties will all our side of the family which shows he no longer cares about any members of his own family. Hope it's made him happy.

On a happier note my walk back from Aldi I have cut 10 mins off my time. Only 30mins this time carrying my backpack full of shopping. My exercises must be paying off.

Very cold but plenty of sunshine today. Hope you all have the sunshine to. ☀️

I will not make decisions based on how he may or may not feel, or what he may or may not think I agree Smiles. How can you after 9yrs of estrangement of their choosing.

Sorry Onward I can't forget so I can't forgive what my estD did, for no reason other than her H told her to. My DD feels the same, aside from she thinks she could possible reconnect if estD [her sister] made overtures. I loved my estD with all my heart & soul, but now, with what she's done, I feel a shard of ice where the love once was, and when I have tried to visualise a reconnection with her, that ice does not melt.

I gave my wedding dress and 3 bridesmaids dresses to my local charity shop too Whiff

Pixie sounds lovely your, painting and card making for your friend, you are clever, just keep reliving your son's visits to keep you happy, don't dwell on the partings.

Well done 3nanny6 on caring about those poor dogs, I know most on here are dog lovers. I've kept cardigans my mum knitted me and the once for my babies. Also kept some significant clothes of my children when they were young, which have nice memories attached.

Got a quote for my removals of £1,300 yikes! They said they could store some items till I get sorted, which I think is a good idea. Exchanged yesterday, move on the 28th! My buyers were here for 1hr & 15mins! My poor son took our dog for a walk for the duration and it was tipping down!

When my parents divorced, it was very bitter and I remember how my brother and I were caught in the middle of their constant battles.

My mum's sister's divorce was the exact opposite, so they continued to be at family events together even when they'd both re married.

It's a shame when bitterness and anger gets in the way and means that one or both are excluded for the sake of others. I think your decision about your up coming birthday is the right one Onward.

Thank you for the flowers. It is and will always be painful but time is a healer and the intensity of the pain for us, has reduced over the years.

You put that very well Madgran. EP's are at times made to feel that they are responsible for how their EAC may feel because of the decisions they make, and some of those decisions are far from easy.

We spent a great dealt of time thinking and talking about our circumstances before taking the decision to dis inherit our ES. I know from GN that that is viewed by some as wanting the last word, revenge, not forgiving or leaving the AC with a lasting legacy that they were no longer loved.

The same may be felt by some over my decision if I were to become seriously ill or be diagnosed with a terminal illness. That of course could be how our ES may feel, I hope it isn't, but I will not make decisions based on how he may or may not feel, or what he may or may not think.

I didn't think you were particularly telling anyone what to do Onward. I was just expressing a viewpoint on the perspective that you expressed. ?

Onward sorry but rubbish. My husband died in 2004 my son threw me away in 2020. Grieving for his father had nothing to do with it . He chose to want zero contact in a cruel and cowardly way via email then letter

I had a loving caring son he changed not me. He knows everything thing I have been though since his dad died.

I have had a neurological condition since he was 6 months old our daughter was 4. It effects my limbs and until 2 years ago had seizures. I am mentally sound. My son knew there was a problem with my heart when he decided zero contact. He also knows in 2017 I could have died with jaundice my bilirubin levels where that high my gastrologist told me once I was well after 5 months of being seriously ill that most people die. My son and daughter both know all this.

My son threw me away for he own reasons. Luckily still have my daughter and family.

I wasn't telling anyone what to do Madgran77 Just sharing my own thoughts in the hopes that it helps someone out there.

Ever since I've been posting my own thoughts in contribution here, I've had messages in my inbox from people who have enjoyed my posts, yet don't want to post on the public forum. It has surprised me, but I'm happy to explore it with anyone who wants to talk.