I'm so sorry for your pain Besidemyself You're right, if there is a restraining order in place it would be unwise to try to breach it. I would probably say it's a good idea to have counselling to try and reach acceptance, to mourn the loss and to try to make a life for yourself that you are happy with, to hope and pray for the future that she forgives and realises how much you love her.
As someone wise here said to me "Let them be the icing on the cake and not the cake"
User7777 I'm glad you have the Cardio app in the New Year! Your poor heart has really taken a battering with all this stress and heartbreak. I hope you will keep reaching out to support services and anyone who can help. Take care of you, too and don't be ashamed to reach out for help. However much you love a child, you need to love yourself, too.
Our Welfare State. Is it broken?