Should I stop sending gifts

Do you get pleasure from giving your grandchildren presents?

I suspect you already know which course of action you want to take.

I also think that if you decide to continue then stopping at 18 seems wise,.

howly4 Sorry you are facing this. I think there may be some things it would be worth considering as you decide how to move forward with this

1. Do you want to "keep the door open" with your Daughters/grandchildren?
2.If you do then what is the best way to deal with things as they stand now?
3. Do you know for sure that your grandson received his money from you?
4. Do you know what your grandson has been told about you/about contacting you?
5. Do you expect your grandson to go against his parents/his father/stepfather? who you imply is controlling?
6. Was it wise to let them know someone was communicating with you about them? (your daughters ex)
7. Are there other reasons apart from your son in law for what has happened?

There is no need to answer these questions on here. I am not asking them to upset you. I think you need to consider these aspects whilst looking at the bigger picture of what you want ...going back to question 1.

If you do want to keep the door open to resolution then you need to look at that bigger picture

as you say Nannan you never know.

If your grandson hasnt texted you thanks, maybe hes Not even getting the money?? Just a thought, but maybe the 'new man' is keeping the money himself.I may be cynical, but if hes as bad as it seems he is, you never know.....

Teens in my family have to be reminded to send thank you texts, I know they should do it without prompting but they do not. As nobody is reminding him he probably doesn’t give it a second thought and you telling him may have embarrassed him.

If you need a thank you for gifts then stop sending them.

It seems your daughters are choosing others over you, it is sad maybe look at your behaviour from their point of view.

Yes, I would stop sending presents right now - gifts with strings attached is not a good move and may not probably help you get in touch with your family members
You do not buy love with money.

"I told him I knew he had a phone now and a thank you would be nice even if he text it to me"
Having a phone is no reason to force communication from him in the form of a thank you.
It can be seen as a manipulative move from the other side

How did your daughter abused her husband (your sil) for telling you their kid had a cell?

So sorry that you are having to live with the pain of estrangement howly and that you have lost both daughters.

You have been estranged for 3 years so, my advice is to not make a decision based on whether or not it will be held against you if you stop sending money to your GC, base that decision on what feels right for you.

If you decide to carry on, I think BlueBelle's suggestion to stop when each GC reaches the age of 18 is a good one. It's what some relatives do even without there being the issue of estrangement.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 9 years and this year we decided to stop sending the children cards, just getting one for their birthdays and Christmas for their memory box.

We did this because it was right for us. You and your H must do what is right for you.

I think it’s very hard for any one other than you to answer this question as there’s obviously been three of four years of extreme bad feeling
I think it very strange that your second daughter has cut you off ‘on behalf of her sister’ no one can tell or expect another to do that in support of their cause If your second daughter has no beef with you she would still be the bridge between you both the fact that she’s cut you off tells me that she agrees with her sister
You talk about your new son in law having total control over your daughter are you sure it’s not you who was controlling her decisions You asked her to wait, she didn’t, so you needed to accept her decision It’s her life she’s been with him three years so it can’t be that bad

You have to make your own limits as to whether to keep sending money to your grandchildren I personally would carry on until each got to 18 perhaps he feels loyalty to his mum or perhaps he doesn’t want to go behind their back to contact you or perhaps he’s just rude and thoughtless who knows
It’s a very sad story for you and your husband I hope you find some peace

howly I am sorry you are in this sad situation.

Money isn't love I'm afraid and the best way to have a good relationship with your grandchildren is to have a good relationship with your children.

They are adults and make their own choices in life, it is your right to take your name off the loans but you seem to have also taken your name off their lives too because you don't approve of your son in law.

I hope you can resolve this with your daughters.

You didn’t explain that to be fair howly and that’s why I apologised if I had misunderstood, you have been treated appallingly. I would stop the gifts and any money, I’m so sorry your other daughter had to cut you off when you had tried so hard. Hopefully in time they will realise.
You have not got the forum wrong, everyone want to support people that come on here.
I would not have put my own home at risk for a new relationship where I thought the man was dubious, so you went over and above, they would have had to rent and live on what they had. We all have our own way of dealing with things and I’m sorry your kindness has been thrown back in your face.

We did everything possible to welcome him into the family even loaning cash, making an extra bedroom so there was room for him and his son. But he was hell bent on getting total control of my daughter and his name on her home which we put our own home at risk and our name on the loan to get a roof over her and the children's heads. All we asked was that she wait and see how the relationship went before she put his name on the house. We even took our name off the loan but he had already made up his mind that I had to go. My eldest daughter would not want to lose her sister as I bought them up to always look out for each other. For over three years they have excepted the money all I thought was it was time to get a thank you now my grandson is getting older. I was asking should I stop sending the money when there is no gratitude shown not to made feel that I must be to blame. I think I have this forum wrong.

I’m sorry if I missed something, how did elder daughter cut you off in case she had the same fate? Does that mean she didn’t want to be estranged from her sister and sided with her?
If that is the case, have you thought you might have misjudged your younger daughters partner? It was her choice to be with him. I don’t know whether her marriage had broken down before she met her new partner, but although your original sonin law and you get on you do not know how your daughter felt about that marriage. I know if anyone criticised my late husband, he would have come first, because I loved him and he made me happy and was a good man. My mother, much as I loved her would have had to accept it. The children might get
on really well with him too. I do t think anyone has the right to tell you with whom you love and live, if they make a mistake it’s for them to find out because the messenger gets shot. I might have misread your post, if so I apologise. Cards or presents won’t be welcome if you tried to interfere.
Iftgere is any chance you can apologise, say you got it wrong, you could get all your family back. If that’s not the case and they both cut you off for no reason I feel sorry for you, it’s a lonely place to be. How does your husband feel losing both his girls?