Regret:Do you wish you’d handled things differently?

Bless you silvertwigs. You did the right thing , scumbag could have been a very dark character and done unthinkable so don't feel any qualms, you were in the right. Youngsters learn the hard way, but usually hardest on us to witness powerless

if you are still thinking "she crossed the line" "I just want them to see they did as well" then you are not ready to make any kind of approach. When you can genuinely believe and say from your heart that you are sorry for what you did without ifs ands or buts, then you are ready to make an approach. And I would say that no matter what the rights or wrongs because its the only way that you stand a chance of recovering the relationship if you want to....and never overstep again.....you get one chance!

DillPickles

I definitely stepped on her toes, and apologized when I caught myself but she was so angry she had an outburst. Both my grans were unwell and I felt that my son and DIL were waiting too long to seek medical attention. One is asthmatic and the other had what appeared to be a really bad respiratory infection. I thought I heard wheezing from the asthmatic child. She and I are both nurses. Granted, I don’t have nearly as much experience as she does with sick children, but basic clinical judgement told me the meds were not working at home because the boys seemed worse than when I saw them the day before. I do not think they are neglectful parents at all. I simply may have overreacted to what I felt was a slower pace than I’d move at in getting them more care. I admit that with the children being hers and her clinical background loaded with experience with sick children, I should have piped down. But I would have never dreamed of speaking to my MIL or my mom in the manner she spoke to me. My son wasn’t raised that way either and I’m still shocked he not only did not ask her to lower her voice and tone down the disrespect, but also joined in. Regrettable things were said but I want to sit down, talk it out, and move on. They just feel unapproachable right now.

you actually what? and your defence is that you wouldn't have spoken you your Mil in that way???? You are lucky you get answers to your texts!

Just apologise, without trying to put any blame on your son and DIL. You were at fault, you overstepped the mark.

A little notelet type card, with a sincere apology,

Hopefully, then you can then all get back to normal, and you know not to interfere in future.

We all make mistakes, we all have to learn. ?

We definitely do all make mistakes

We just have to make sure we don't make them twice lol

Judging by your description of her reaction, I think your remarks might have been the latest in a number of 'helpful' remarks. It sounds as though that was the last straw! You must never forget that the children are theirs and all decisions regarding them are theirs alone. Always. If they ask for advice then consider offering it, but never, ever say anything that might be construed as critisism. You raised your son and your job is done. Over. They are not interested in how you think the children should be cared for because it is None Of Your Business! Please, please take a good look at yourself and ask how you want be part of their lives. Speak to DS and DIL too and ask how you can move forward, because you obviously adore your GCs and want to be part of their lives, but it will be on their terms. I wish you luck.

mimiEliza

Holysox.
Read your response with interest...... what would you advise I do when I can tell that
7-year old GD is anxious at family gatherings; wont speak, whispers, only one-word answers to a question, or, visibly freezes if asked a simple question or at best shakes or nods her head to reply. Clings to parents. Do I not mention to my DS and wife?

Was this meant specifically for me (particularly as a number of posters have said similar things)? That is not to 'mention' things to your DS and DIL?
From what you've said it sounds like your GD is simply shy!
However, you're clearly worried so might I suggest you start your own thread. Other GNetters will give you different views from their experiences. We'll probably like more detail - and that might be useful to you in seeing things clearly. Hopefully you'll get some helpful feedback that this will allay any worries you have - without approaching your DS and DIL. If there are genuine grounds to raise any concerns (i.e. abuse) then you can go in better prepared - both on reasons why and what approach you should take.
By the way I was very shy as a child but turned out o.k.!

I’ve got to agree with the general consensus that you questioned their judgement as parents, probably when they were tired and worried, so their outburst is understandable. Also you disputed her professional expertise and experience, which as you well know, takes years of training and work to acquire. No wonder she was upset. But reviewing the situation and learning from it is good - I keep doing that very thing a lot lately. We all make mistakes, forgive yourself first and move on. Personally I wouldn’t write either, that can be misconstrued too. Nothing like a sincere brief face-to-face apology, no discussion, and then let it go.

I am just wondering why you think that are owed respect from your DIL when you obviously don't respect her in any capacity as a person, a mother or a professional. Nor do I understand why you think your son should have spoken up for you when you have that attitude towards his wife. Maybe you need to rethink discussing this with them until you can put your hand on your heart to agree you were wrong and genuinely intend that nothing like this should ever happen again. Maybe you can even request that your son lets you know if you are stepping on toes again.

Silver twigs , what a truly awful situation for you, watching your beloved granddaughter with such a vile person. Perhaps before too long she will see him as he is, but infatuation is blinding her judgement I’m afraid. Just be as you are, unfortunately there isn’t a thing you can do whatever they both choose to do. The saying young and foolish comes to mind.

Yes that saying does come to mind Allsorts, a very worrying time for Silvertwigs and her D.

You have been given very good advice here.

The one thing I would not do, is not mention it and wait and see. That could really backfire as your son and DIL may think that you are trying to sweep this all under the rug. It needs to be addressed head on in order to stop any future problems.

I agree with those who say that it is important for you to realize that your DIL's reaction was totally justified and get over the thought that you should not be talked to that way because you are an elder. Until you get past that, any apology you do make could seem insincere.

When I read your post DillPickles a phrase that my grandmother often said came to mind: "^Never apologise, never explain^" and she definitely lived by it! I would probably add to that 'Never back down.' BUT, it's your family and you want to restore some harmony between you, so maybe you should initiate contact and offer an olive branch, but don't take all the blame, just tread carefully. Your DS and DIL were also in the wrong for dismissing your concerns and treating you so badly, even though their attitude may have been fuelled by their own worry, so I think they need to apologise for that. If you could all meet up (perhaps in a neutral place) and talk calmy that might be a starting point. Good luck, hope you can sort it out.

This reminds me of an estrangement with my MIL and FIL. FIL was a difficult man and had left a cup of tea around near a one year old, who spilled it. He yelled at her right in her face, called me something rude and my hubby told him to get lost (!) and we left saying we would never return. After four months NC MIL rang hubby and begged him to forgive a tired old man his stupidity. We did and never mentioned it again. It did make us realise how tired two tiny tots could make a then 70 year old. We did forget over time and I’m glad we did. Not the same but a break made us all realise how important family is. FIL never apologised but kept his considerable temper under control thereafter.

I think the Dil knows you don’t like her,she must get the vibes…
So be careful or all will be lost..

Happysexagenarian

When I read your post DillPickles a phrase that my grandmother often said came to mind: "^Never apologise, never explain^" and she definitely lived by it! I would probably add to that 'Never back down.' BUT, it's your family and you want to restore some harmony between you, so maybe you should initiate contact and offer an olive branch, but don't take all the blame, just tread carefully. Your DS and DIL were also in the wrong for dismissing your concerns and treating you so badly, even though their attitude may have been fuelled by their own worry, so I think they need to apologise for that. If you could all meet up (perhaps in a neutral place) and talk calmy that might be a starting point. Good luck, hope you can sort it out.

The parents are not in the wrong for dismissing her concerns. They had the situation under control and did not require outside interference.

a phrase that my grandmother often said came to mind: "^Never apologise, never explain^" and she definitely lived by it!
Happy
That aphorism has been variously attributed to different men of power, and while it may have served them well in the past, it’s hardly a recipe for getting on well with your grown-up children in the 21st century.

The only approach I would even consider from my MIL is her showing somehow that she has developed some insight into her actions and how much she overstepped. The most recent communication shows that she still feels inappropriately entitled as a GM. Before that happens, there is no point worrying about any role I might have had in it. Nothing can change until her mindset does.

You aren't ready to reconcile I'm afraid and your extreme dislike of Dil is showing ! The mother of the children ranks above you in decision making and she is professionally better qualified too You caused the problem and your son was right to back up his wife

DillPickles

First, you have to recognise that you were in the wrong, you interfered and caused the rift - you had the superior attitude and expected automatic respect (it's earned).

Next, you have to genuinely apologise and ask for forgiveness - and promise to behave well in future.

You might even get your family back - so just lose that self-righteous pride, once and for all.

I've considered trying to reconcile with my mother in the past but as much as anyone on the outside of most situations will say that it takes two for such upsets, the two people at fault in my situation are my mother and her now deceased husband.
Following my mother and father divorcing when I was a young child, she told me on a daily basis that she hated me.
Enter the new husband when I was a teenager and he raped me on a regular basis for about 4yrs, she didn't believe a word I said.
Turn the clock forward another decade and my son accused his father of touching him inappropriately and my mother jumped into action (the way she should have all those years ago).
Even when the husband passed away and he admitted it to her, she still doesn't believe it and tells me I'm a liar at every opportunity.
She's caused me so much distress for over 40yrs that I've now decided my life is far better without her in it.

Basically, there are no guarantees with attempted reconciliations, you may be lucky but then there are situations where it's not always best for someone's mental health to even attempt it.

Hello all, I don't usually post but this thread struck a chord with me. Dilpicker, I feel your pain. It is so hurtful when we are disrespected by our adult children. It sounds as though they felt criticised by you but perhaps they over reacted for some reason...perhaps stress.

I've recently had a fall out via phone with my daughter. It's about something that happened on Christmas day at their house. My Son-in-law hit my 5 year old GD on the back when she hit her 2 year old brother. I was in shock and picked up my GD from the floor and cuddled her. My daughter watched the whole thing, then told my GD who was still sobbing to apologise to my GS. My SIL showed no remorse for having hit my GD and I was to worried to say anything in case I was blamed for ruining Xmas day.

When I text my daughter to say that my SiL needs to stop hitting my GD, my daughter replied "it doesn't happen very often". My daughter then phoned me and I said she should be protecting my GD from violence and she called me "a f***ing bitch" and slammed down the phone.

Both my D and Sil are professionals, well educated and have good jobs. I know they have stressful jobs but I'm still in shock that they think it's ok to hit my GD...on Christmas day! My GD is such a bright and beautiful little girl and I'm genuinely worried about her emotional wellbeing. They have a beautiful home and she has an amazing bedroom with lots of toys but who hits a 5 year old child on xmas day then acts as though they've done nothing wrong. I feel heartbroken for my GD. My only daughter has not been close to me for a number of years, so her reaction is hurtful, but not unexpected.

It's so hard being a grandparent when your young GC are stopped from seeing you at the whim of their parents.

AnnJH, how sad for you all, Christmas Day or any other day to be fair.

I really feel for today’s young parents. They’re told at every corner, what to do and when, right from the start....so birth of their babies.

I think the discipline side is the hardest hit, ( no pun intended). The anti smacking stances over the years have put a one off correctional slap, in the same category as abuse, and confused everyone.

I smacked my children very rarely, and it was always a last resort, on the back of the hand or leg. For me, it always worked, and the children didn’t repeat the offence. Mostly...the death stare was enough. They don’t remember being smacked much at all...which they weren’t. We had a brilliant, fun, family life, which I now think they’re trying to emulate with their own children, except they have the ‘ baby police ‘ watching.

One of my sons and DIL have never smacked, which is fine, but there’s no firmness in their discipline, it’s just about negotiation. This is fine from about 4 years old, as long as the discipline was there before. If it wasn’t, it’s hopeless, as they’re now finding. Family life is not always what they thought it would be. I’m worried one day....someone will ‘lose it’, as it sounds with your SIL. Apart from sounding too harsh, being hit across the back, a firm word is all that should be needed at five years old.

It is really difficult, your instinct was to cuddle your granddaughter, but unless you feel it is bordering on actual abuse, or it’s one of many times, I really wouldn’t get involved. They must be left to parent as they see fit.

All the best.

Harmonypuss I am so sorry that you endured all that and it is absolutely right and understandable that you have decided No Contact is right for you. I hope that you have access to support for you in dealing with your situation.

I do think though that the OPs situation is a very different scenario to your own and that she has different considerations to those that you have had to take into account

Hmm, AnnJH.

I don’t think your SIL should have hit his daughter. But she hit her brother. Almost certainly not the first time.

And you gave her cuddles to negate the message that what she did was wrong.

So now she thinks her Dad was in the wrong and it’s Ok to hit your little brother.?