AnnJH
Hello all, I don't usually post but this thread struck a chord with me. Dilpicker, I feel your pain. It is so hurtful when we are disrespected by our adult children. It sounds as though they felt criticised by you but perhaps they over reacted for some reason...perhaps stress.
I've recently had a fall out via phone with my daughter. It's about something that happened on Christmas day at their house. My Son-in-law hit my 5 year old GD on the back when she hit her 2 year old brother. I was in shock and picked up my GD from the floor and cuddled her. My daughter watched the whole thing, then told my GD who was still sobbing to apologise to my GS. My SIL showed no remorse for having hit my GD and I was to worried to say anything in case I was blamed for ruining Xmas day.
When I text my daughter to say that my SiL needs to stop hitting my GD, my daughter replied "it doesn't happen very often". My daughter then phoned me and I said she should be protecting my GD from violence and she called me "a f***ing bitch" and slammed down the phone.
Both my D and Sil are professionals, well educated and have good jobs. I know they have stressful jobs but I'm still in shock that they think it's ok to hit my GD...on Christmas day! My GD is such a bright and beautiful little girl and I'm genuinely worried about her emotional wellbeing. They have a beautiful home and she has an amazing bedroom with lots of toys but who hits a 5 year old child on xmas day then acts as though they've done nothing wrong. I feel heartbroken for my GD. My only daughter has not been close to me for a number of years, so her reaction is hurtful, but not unexpected.
It's so hard being a grandparent when your young GC are stopped from seeing you at the whim of their parents.
AnnJH I do understand that it must have been hard observing that although I am not sure the fact that it happened on Christmas Day is particularly relevant; would it have been "ok" on a different day?
With regard to what happened I think you were wrong to cuddle GD (even though I understand that it was instinctive) because the whole message was wrong for her as others have suggested ...ie. Daddy was wrong, hitting her brother was ok, Granny will "side" with her against her parents!!
With regard to raising it with your daughter I am not really surprised that she reacted as she did! You text her first, strongly criticising her husband, having had no proper discussion about it, having had no way of gauging how she feels about it etc!! Most people will automatically defend their partner in those circumstances whatever their true feelings or concerns; what gives you the right to tell her what she "needs to do" or what her husband "needs to do"!!
Then when she rings you you don't ask her how she feels, if she is worried what she thinks. You again tell her what she "needs to do".
I do understand that you are upset, that this is emotional and that you are worried. Maybe your daughter is too!
But why would she talk that through with you with this type of communication? Calling you a "f*** b****" is not appropriate but does high light just how angry she was (stressed; worried; who knows!)
In the end your daughter and her husband have to work this out.
Unless you are truly worried about your SIL being seriously abusive, hitting your GD and causing damage etc, then you have to step back. And think about gentle "influence" rather than "telling"
But having a relationship with them where they feel able to discuss things with you, be honest about worries , pressures etc would be more helpful than one where you try to "tell" them and they therefore don't engage.
If they are not speaking to you/avoiding you I suggest that you contact them, ask if it would be possible to have a chat, apologise for undermining SIL at XMAS, say that you were upset by the smacking but that was no excuse for the undermining, and ask them to explain their ways of disciplining so that you understand and can ensure that you support them. And Listen!