Regret:Do you wish you’d handled things differently?

From what you’ve said, you’re angry about their reaction to what you said.

Think about what you said. You, who admittedly has less professional experience with children in a medical setting and less practical experience with THEIR children, questioned their decisions. You disrespected them both as adults, a married couple, as parents and your DIL as an experienced medical professional dealing with children.

Why WOULDN’T they be enraged?

How you would’ve reacted in the same situation doesn’t matter in the slightest. They aren’t you, and your choices have nothing to do with them. Making different choices doesn’t make them wrong.

If you want to repair this relationship, you need to accept that your expectations aren’t their obligations. They don’t owe you an apology. You were the one in the wrong, and trying to shift blame to them will further damage your relationship.

Regret:Do you wish you’d handled things differently?

Yes Dillpickles I do.

My now estD had only moved out less than a year with my GD and moved into a bungalow with her boyfriend that she was expecting her second child with, first child not his. Short while later they announced they were getting married, quick registry office and pint & pie at the local pub, not buying for anyone else boyfriends words.

I offered to organise and pay for a nice reception also suggested them marring in their local church instead of the quick registry office wedding, they took me up on the offers.

I realise now I should have kept my mouth shut and not interfered. But as my D had only just moved out from living with me all her life, I still felt responsible for her, if it had been a few years later I wouldn't have. The wedding was lovely. I also gave them £5.000.

Down the line I think he resented me for meddling. 6mnths later I was cut out, been more than 9yrs now. I made another mistake at going to court for visitation rights to see my GC and that, I see now, was the death nail! Turning the cloak back I wouldn't do any of the above and would have been more careful.

I've no experience of estrangement - but this reminded me of what my late husband used to say:

'The secret of a good marriage? Always say sorry - even if you don't know what you did!'

Yogin I am sorry you have those regrets and hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Although I totally understand why you feel it would have been better to not offer the reception etc and that you take full responsibility for that, I do also think that the couple could have just said "No!" if they didn't want it! Which was THEIR responsibility in the situation that has since arisen, if the money/reception etc were the original reason for the problem!!

I expect you are right that the court case was the death knell , and I am sorry that you have suffered the consequences for so long

Thank you Madgran No it was nothing to do with the wedding. I stuck up for my D when they had a big argument, about6mnths later. I actually came back from holiday to help, it was that bad. He had her put in a mental hospital, I signed to get her out and live with me. She was diagnosed with 'baby blues' having just given birth to his son.

He came round and hugged me and said he didn't want to fall out with me, so we were still on good terms even with the bad situation. He wouldn't let her back into the family home or see her C till the antidepressants had kicked, 6weeks!

One day he said she could visit the C, I said to her try to get back with him nicely but he wouldn't have it. She phoned me to pick her up, in a very distressed state at leaving her C. That's when I said to him you realise the mother & C get to stay in the family home if you break up, it's the man that leaves With that his hate jumped from my D to me, he took her back and cut me out.

Do not ask to talk about it... it will inflame the situation because you are still seeking an apology from them which you most certainly will not get.. rightly in my opinion

I dont think that talking about it is going to help matters. It does sound that you were perhaps over the op with your opinions if they reacted as badly as you say they did.

As for exlecting your son to tell his wife to tone down how she spoke to you, thats a very old fashioned attitude- this is the 21st century!!!

You should apologize profusely. You were definitely at fault by interfering where you had no right to. Their children their decision. Know your place as a grandmother. I am sure you never allowed your mother to interfere so you shouldn't. Always remember, their children, their decision.

Holysox.
Read your response with interest...... what would you advise I do when I can tell that
7-year old GD is anxious at family gatherings; wont speak, whispers, only one-word answers to a question, or, visibly freezes if asked a simple question or at best shakes or nods her head to reply. Clings to parents. Do I not mention to my DS and wife?

Yogin ?

Abject apologies on your part and commitment to no future aberrations are the only way forwards.

Great that your son has started responding to your texts. You were definitely in the wrong over this and all your comments show that you are still simmering over this and want them to admit to being also at fault in this. They weren't. Put yourself in their position, how would you have felt at being basically told you weren't looking after your children properly? Just apologise without any comments about what they said or did etc, tell them you were completely out of line but got over anxious about the children and you should have known better as they obviously know how to look after their own children. Hope you get get a satisfactory outcome.

Just apologise for reacting as you did. Don't explain why and don't ask for an explanation of their response. Then wait for them to make the next move.

Dillpickes, you are clearly feeling hurt and angry, justifiably so and this feeling will never quite leave you, especially since you will probably not get the apology that you should. However, in order to regain and maintain a relationship with your son and his family you will have to keep those feelings under wraps. It won't be easy and you will frequently have to bite your tongue, but bite it you must. Have a cry, tear out your hair or do whatever you need to later, but at the time remember that you are doing for the sake of your relationship with your grandchildren. It'll be hard but keep the big picture in mind. Best of luck, you can do it.

Be honest. Write to your son and daughter-in-law saying that you have realised you were wrong in acting /saying what you did and wish to apologise.

Don't go into details, just add that you hope they can forgive you and that you can re-establish some contact.

It may not do any good, but you have nothing to lose by trying.

My mother and I fell out once, badly. I can’t even go into how deplorable her behaviour was. Her explanation: she was throwing a tantrum. She did it fairly regularly when I was growing up. It made my life a misery, to the point of a suicide attempt. Such is the power of a bad parent. But the tantrum she threw when I went to my best friend’s wedding was inexcusable. (She was a very jealous woman). I wouldn’t speak to her for ages. Until she phoned up and apologised. First time, ever. She was my mum. I wanted to forgive her. We learned a lot and moved on.

A good post Glenco.

What's done is done Dillpickles. Unless I've miss understood, you apologised at the time, there was a period of no contact and now your son is beginning to communicate with you again.

Perhaps the period of no contact was the time they needed to deal with their feelings about what happened, and your son is now easing back into his relationship with you. If this is still an issue for him and/or his wife, rather than apologising again, I would wait and see if he mentions it.

Until he does I wouldn't. He may not wish to talk about it ATM and may not want too at any point in the future, so apologising again may put him under pressure to discuss something he doesn't want too.

Try to be patient, it may feel that your relationship is moving forward very slowly, but at least it's going in the right direction.

Yogin

I would consider writing them a letter. I’d apologise unreservedly and explain that you were anxious as the kids weren’t well, but you realise you must have added to your son and DIL’s stress and that you realise you over stepped.
Don’t mention anything that implies they are also accountable as otherwise your apology will count for nothing.
Sometimes it’s not about being right it’s about smoothing things over so you can fix the relationship.
I’d Take one for the team hon and comfort yourself with the thought they will probably be in your position one day and know what it’s like to be walking on egg shells ?

I read an article just this weekend that in you genuinely mean the apology put it in writing, accept you did wrong, acknowledge you hurt their feelings/overstepped or whatever it us they've accused you with, but do not say anything referring to the incident ie "if you'd just....". Post it and then sadly all you can do is wait. Good luck

@ DillPickles I sympathise with you, your not alone in this for sure.

There was a time that every time I opened my mouth it would be taken out of context.

I wish I’d handled so many failings differently. I have my 19 year old GD living with me and I won’t have her boyfriend anywhere near my house because of his past abuse to her and vileness towards me and my daughter (GD’s mom) he sent the worse sexual and violent emails you can imagine to me and my daughter. I got the police involved, they were brilliant. But for what? My GD is still with him and spends the weekend with this lowest of low family ?

What a terrible situation Silvertwigs, you and your D must be worried sick and there's nothing you can do.

If you sit down to discuss what's happened then you risk both sides becoming more entrenched in their views and total estrangement.
I'd suggest a sincere apology, with no justifications, and then leave the ball in their court - no messages, no phone calls, no pressure.

DillPickles, I’m sorry you’re having to go through all the heartache with your family. I hope you manage to sort things out and are welcomed back into their lives. I’ve also learnt the hard way. To keep the peace you have to keep quiet. Good luck!

Don't want to give you the jitters, but I'm into my fifth year of NC with #2 son and mate! She went ballistic in my face in front of DGx3 and all over HER not telling me an appointment was cancelled so I hadn't needs to rush over early doors...... I had the temerity to suggest we went home as x2GC FULL OF CHICKEN POX! And we both had serious chest infections....I wish I'd kept my Gob shut but who knew?!

stillaspringchicken

If you sit down to discuss what's happened then you risk both sides becoming more entrenched in their views and total estrangement.
I'd suggest a sincere apology, with no justifications, and then leave the ball in their court - no messages, no phone calls, no pressure.

You've not been ghosted have you?