Explaining GP estrangement to DS (DIL side)

I would keep it light, keep it brief, and keep it age appropriate.

No need to burden young children with knowledge they can't understand.

If, as they reach their teen years, they want more information, you can give them more then.

Meanwhile, look after yourself and don't worry about the future. ?

I'm sorry that you are suffering from postnatal PTSD BlueVelvet. I think your DH may well be right so try to put this to one side and until the time comes when you need to address it.

Onward that's why we worry about this, children need to know enough information to understand when we distance from family that aren't good for us or them and I think it is a credit to Bluevelvet for asking for advice on how to do that

I was estranged from family unfairly for years and I do remember missing them. Now they believe a lot of lies about me being the scapegoat. All I could do is tell them the truth about everything my mother did and said about them and that would make me the person who blew up previously estranged relationships now reconsiled and hurt everyone.. I just can't do that.

So I have had to make peace with that.

Thank you all for your comments. I do have postnatal PTSD so I’m probably just over worrying at the moment. My own GP’s had all died by the time I was 5 and I used to wish I could have sleepovers and days out like other children at school but it didn’t affect me and I had loving parents.

He still has my DD who loves him dearly. Luckily my DS hasn’t seen my in laws since about 2 months old so there isn’t a relationship that he will remember. DH is adamant there will never be any reconciliation unless they got therapy which is unlikely. I will just have to take it as it goes and answer any questions DS has in the future.

Someone in our family (I shall call them A) was estranged by their parent who didn't agree with a life choice they made. As a result A's child (age 4 ) was shunned and ignored by the child's GP. As we know, 4 year old memories are remembered later in life- so those GP have done a sad thing, that might be remembered later on.

Whatever my child did, I would not ignore my GC on their birthday or Christmas- or at all if I saw them.

It's made me sad to know this 4 year old in our family has been upset by her GP ignoring her when she saw them and more recently her birthday was ignored. My feeling is that it's not right to shun or punish a child because you're annoyed with their parents.

There are people who cut off cleanly, like Violetsky has done. Like my son did for that time and like many others have....
But...
There are also people who use their kids as pawns to try to extort money or other advantage.
There are also GP who harm their GC because they cut them off due to not being able to control their AC. A GC who has enjoyed a close relationship with their GP will feel hurt if that same GP ignores them because of falling out with the child's parents and I'm very sad for the little child involved.

I can't think why or how loving GP could ignore their GC or cut off their child just because they don't like their child's new partner. I hope they realise what they have thrown away and the damage they have caused, before it's too late to repair and spend time with that precious child.

True, children only need loving parents to be secure and resilient VioletSky. But we do miss people who our parents estranged (I am proof of that when my parents estranged several family members) and we do miss our GP when they estrange us due to their annoyance with our parents (My kids can attest to this)

BlueVelvet I remember the first time one of my sons said to me that his grandparents weren't like other grandparents.

I wish I had estranged much sooner.

My younger children do not miss them and do not feel they are missing out. They never mention them.

They also have a wonderful grandfather who lives abroad and we don't see often and they don't feel hurt by that, they just love him when they see him.

Children only need loving parents to grow up resilient I promise

There isn’t ‘ right or wrong’ BlueVelvet....just what suits you and your family best. You can’t possibly prepare for 5, 10, 15 plus years ahead. None of us can. Don’t try to look at the future. Just deal with now.

You never know....reconciliation could be on the cards in the future, but right at this minute, it isn’t. I would keep the letter, but there’s no reason to show it unless the time is right, and you’ll know when that is.

In my experience, my kids never had proper relationships with grandparents, so never missed it. It’s made absolutely no difference at all to them now, as adults.

Enjoy the family you have, and live each day. The future will take care of itself.

I think the same as many others, you don't need to explain anything just now if he is only 3 as it won't have occurred to him. As he gets older, if he asks then just a short answer like 'we don't see them because they were not kind to Daddy". Teenagers may ask more questions but that would be much later.

Do try not to worry BlueVelvet. Yours parents' in law wouldn't be able to have any contact with your son while he's a minor.

The letter they sent is all the explanation you would need when your son is old enough to be given more information, if he asks for it.

Hithere

OP

Please do not overthink it

My kids have no grandparents in this continent and even thought they see gp with gc, they haven't asked anything yet.
We told them their gp live in different countries very far away and that was it.
Haven't mentioned anything since (1+ year)

Could this have to do more about your feelings for the situation?

I’ve never been in this situation before. Or known anyone who has no contact with parents or in laws. I just want to make sure I don’t get it wrong.

I won’t lie. The thought of him seeing them does worry me and DH a lot as it was heartbreaking to see what DH went through. Like any mother, I want to keep him safe. However, I would never stop DS from seeing them when he’s older. That is his choice to make

OP

Please do not overthink it

My kids have no grandparents in this continent and even thought they see gp with gc, they haven't asked anything yet.
We told them their gp live in different countries very far away and that was it.
Haven't mentioned anything since (1+ year)

Could this have to do more about your feelings for the situation?

How old are they Bluevelvet. That could make all the difference in the approach.

BlueVelvet

Possibly, I just don’t want to get it wrong.

In no way am I planning to perpetuate the situation through my son. As I have said previously, it will be his choice if he wants to see them when he is older and I won’t stop him from doing so. I will be honest about the reasons if he asks us but will not talk badly about them or have him think he needs to choose sides.

Without knowing the boundaries we had I’m not sure you can pass judgement on that but thank you for your reply.

I would keep the letter. Hide it away. Never let it out. But you never want to be in a position where you are being accused of something that is proven to be false.

They wrote it. They have estranged him and you. So you can go with that.

Possibly, I just don’t want to get it wrong.

In no way am I planning to perpetuate the situation through my son. As I have said previously, it will be his choice if he wants to see them when he is older and I won’t stop him from doing so. I will be honest about the reasons if he asks us but will not talk badly about them or have him think he needs to choose sides.

Without knowing the boundaries we had I’m not sure you can pass judgement on that but thank you for your reply.

You are over thinking this situation, and to my mind preparing to perpetuate the situation through your son.
No reason to show the letter they wrote to your son, ever. Possibly there was some fault with the boundaries you set.
Why not destroy it now?
Things change.

I agree to keep things simple is best.
Over the years I expected lots of questions, not just concerning my ex mother in law, but the whole situation. I was prepared to answer anything, but not to over elaborate.
My daughter is in her forties now, and I don’t think I’ve ever been asked anything.

I left my ex husband because of controlling behaviour and domestic violence. He had seen my granddaughters until they were almost 4.

After the final incident ( for which he was prosecuted) I lived with my daughter for a few months until I got a place of my own. Granddaughters were told they would not see him anymore as he had hurt Granny and we don’t hurt our family.

They asked about him for a while but forgot about him and it doesn’t seem to have affected them at all, they are now 12.

Give simple answers and don’t lie is my advice.

Thank you for all your replies and advice. DS is almost 3 so doesn’t know any different yet. My concern was when he got to nursery/school age and saw his friends having days out and sleepovers with their GP’s and getting upset that he doesn’t.

After our last meeting they did write a letter to say they didn’t want a relationship with my DS due to not agreeing with our boundaries. I think it would be very upsetting to give him that when he’s older.

DH and I spoke about it this morning. We will just say “we don’t speak to Daddy’s parents because they weren’t very kind to us”. If he asks at an appropriate age we will explain further.

Thanks again

My children are currently 7,5 & 1 and this was something I worried about when we cut off MiL 4 years ago.

My son has just created his own narrative at this point that she just lives far away (she does) and has never asked anything else about her.
But he has very very active grandparents on my side and we have regular contact with his paternal uncle and cousin so in his head I guess he sees family on both sides so doesn't realise anyone is missing.

If the day ever comes that they ask actual questions I am just going to tell them what happened and say that I never want to see her. But when they grow that is their choice.

Do the gps actually want or even try to make contact? If not you can say they weren’t very nice to either your dh or his sister, and have cut themselves off from everyone which is their misfortune. I don’t expect your ds will be really bothered tbh. Children can be very accepting of the status quo. As he grows older he may want to seek them out but he’s not going to be very impressed by gps who didn’t bother.

My children were 4 and 3 when we estranged from my ex MIL, over 40 years ago.

We just told them we weren't happy with the arguments, and we wouldn't be seeing her.

They didn't query it, and were quite happy. Children that age live in the "here and now" and forget about what they are no longer doing, and who they are not seeing.

They had loving grandparents (my parents), various relatives, and didn't lack a thing.

As 30+ adults, they did see her. Once. They came out after an hour and said they wouldn't be going back.

Last year they were contacted on social media, to say she'd died, giving funeral details, and told she'd left them a letter.

They didn't go, and didn't pick up the letter.

Neither myself or my ex ever regretted cutting her off. We did explain more to the children when they were adults,but we didn't go into very much detail really. No point in rehashing the past.

Life's too short to put up with endless chaos and conflict from others.

I agree with the other responses here BlueVelvet. There's no need to day anything until questions are asked, and when they are, keep your answers age appropriate and simple.

No need for details, Chewbacca's suggestion would be my choice, and as Yammy has posted, be aware that your son may want to make contact when he's older and decide for himself if he wants to have any contact with them.

Try not to worry and put this to one side until it happens.

My eldest child’s grandmother and I had a parting of the ways when she was about six. No big drama, I was just fed up with her looking down her nose at us, and treating my girl differently from her other grandchildren.
I remember sitting her down, telling her a bit of the back story, and saying I’d decided to not see her any longer, but that she was welcome to go and visit if she wanted to.
On every side that was the end of the relationship, my ex mother in law never made any effort to contact my daughter, and she never really mentioned her again.

Just be honest as all the other posters say.Tell it as it is in simple ways. They can choose for themselves when they get older.
manipulative people are eventually found out and your children will be able to judged for themselves.Don't be upset if they decide to contact their Grandparents let them make their own judgment, they might see things from a different point of view as the did not witness first hand but don't show you are upset.
Good Luck.

How old is DS now? You will have to be honest, but fair too.

One of my cousins in the USA was told by her mother, divorced from her dad, that she would be shunned and not welcomed at all by her family in Europe, so that she should not come and visit when she was 19.

She finally made it over in her 50s- after her mother died. And realised she was most warmly welcomed and cherished- and felt so happy she could fill so many big holes in her past and roots.

I can think of other cases in our entourage where similar things happened. So you need to be very sure there is no 'bias' in your reasons- there is usually too sides to most relationships, even if heavily one sided. Time passes, things and people can change.

Just be honest, but be careful not to include personal bias, if there is some. At the end of the day, at 18- he will have to make his own decision. And he might be very upset but what he finds, or very happy, or a mix. But 'not knowing' could cause more damage.