Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

When you read through some of they things children have said and done to their parents, it is indeed elder abuse. It’s as if they have had what they want from you, then isolate you and as in several posters cases, say very cruel untruths, aimed to hurt and sever contact and justify their actions. They can rarely back up these claim, they are not specific. It makes them in their own mind the victim.I would like to know where some if them have their halos polished as they and only they are beyond reproach, never did a thing wrong, are perfect parents to their own children. Like denying them family for a start off. They need to look at themselves, but of course they wont. It does however break a loving parents confidence, the shock and disbelief this could ever happen to you, you must have done something, it takes a lot of time to get the old you back.
If I could do anything it would be to get the message through to all of us treated that way, you know how you bought them up, we all do our best at the time and yes we might have made a mistake, not intentional, but don’t deserve to be treated like we have been. Make your life and home the way you want it, spend money on yourselves that you willingly would have given to them, there’s loads of lovely people out there, not family, but people you can laugh with and feel as you used to, good people who care and you can care for. Live for the moment and tomorrow and try not to look back, it’s another country.
I’ve made some lovely friends on here, we can laugh and have pleasure communicating. I’ve joined a few things now lockdiwns over, hoping to meet others to get on with.

It's impossible not to be affected by what's going on in the world hugshelp. Before Covid we thought nothing of watching the news but became increasingly selective as it all became over whelming.

It's the same now with what's happening in the Ukraine. The footage of people desperately trying to leave is heart breaking. I hope you have some where you are, and that will lift your spirits a little.

Yes Allsorts it is elder abuse and as you say "it takes a lot of time to get the old you back". I don't think we have, we're not the people we were before our estrangement. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, neither I suspect it's just what it is.

You've expressed that message brilliantly and this thread together with its predecessors does exactly that. We laugh together, we cry together, we care for and support one another.

We are proof that there is life after estrangement. to be lived and enjoyed.

Allsorts - you said it perfectly. I know that my eldest son and my DIL are not perfect parents. I tried my best when I was bringing them up and have done nothing to warranty the viciousness in their words and actions. They hate me.

Smilesless - it is horrible to watch the war in Ukraine. Lovely people who do not deserve this. People standing in line in the freezing cold. Didn’t we say that it would never happen again after WW2 with Hitler? My heart breaks for them.

On another level - I have put together some cards and money for the grand children for Easter instead of buying chocolate eggs. I’ll send them in the post soon.

Thanks to those of you kind enough to ask after my ankle - it seems a bit better today, so might test going for a walk tomorrow. So much wisdom on here. I don't know about everyone else, but it certainly grounds me when I'm going through a tough patch. Yes we are more than our estrangement. Yes the past is another country. Yes there is life still to be lived and enjoyed. Yes on here we find we aren't alone, and discover people who offer support and friendship. Big shout out to you all!

Allsorts such a nice post. Yes, why they have done such a vicious campaign against parents that loved them so, is strange! In a world as it is today, you would think that they would want those that love them and care about them would be held ever nearer, not pushed away!

My estD's H certainly hated me Pixie, jealous is the only reason, but my D? who was loved and cherished and her C the same when they came along. My D even named her first born after me, second and last names, when they both lived with me before her now H came into the picture.

I listen to the news on the radio, find it very hard to watch it on the TV, just terrible!

Enjoy your stay in your lodge Smiles with lots of walkies on the beach with your doggies. I walk most days on the beach now and as I do I think to myself can't believe this is our walkies now

All the best to everyone on here xx

Glad your ankle's feeling a little better Spring, take it easy and don't be tempted to over do it.

How are things going with your new home Yogin? Are you totally organised?

I still think to myself I cant believe we live here after more than 5 years, that's how much I love the house and where it is. It's a nice feeling isn't it and shows you've made the right choice.

Another beautiful morning here, a real feeling of spring.

Allsorts lovely post . Why do our children think they are perfect parents. Surely they should realise there is no such thing. People aren't perfect we are only human not robots. At the moment my son and daughter in law have it easy as my grandson's are 5,3 and 1. Wait until they are teenagers.?. Then see how they cope with the criticisms their sons will throw at them.

Spring glad you ankle is feeling better. Have you got any boots that can support your ankle when you go for your walk?

I wonder at times what our estranged children hope will happen to us when they decided they no longer want or need their parents. Do they hope we will have nervous breakdowns, get very ill and die. Beg them and promise them anything and everything just to keep in touch. Do they really think so little of us ?

I know I am not the same mom he knew as he is not the son I know. If he ever got in touch which he won't he would find a different woman. I will no longer put up with what I did. Nor will I ever set foot in his house ever again. Not after what my daughter in law wrote about my visits.

Do our children think we will stay the same. If they do they are in for a shock. No matter how old we get we are still changing ,learning new things, getting stronger in mind and body. We have made new lives for ourselves that if they want us again they will have to fit around. I for one will never put my plans on hold for him . But this is hypothetical as I don't expect to hear from him.

It's been 2 years now since I saw their 2 eldest. That time had flown by. And looking round I and proud of what I have achieved in that time.

Smiles like you I can't believe I live in such a wonderful place. My bungalow feels like I have always lived here. I love it so much here. I do things I never thought I could . Found out I am a gardener after all. I am doing things I never thought I could do. Monday I went for a walk to explore some near by roads which I have always wanted to look down. Because I was enjoying myself went for a walk in the park as well. Only out for 1.25hrs but in that time walked almost 3.5km . Never knew I could walk so far. I was shocked when I looked at my step counter on my phone. I love the fact I surprise myself with what I can do. But I would never have dreamed of doing it where I used to live. But here I found myself again. Didn't realise I had lost me . Moving freed me . Yes I lost my son and grandson's but I have gained so much. New interests ,new friends ,bags of confidence ,seeing my daughter and family every week. And of course all of you. Have wobbles we all do but what I have gained out weighs them.

If my husband had lived my life would have been different but hopefully he would be happy I am living my life to the full. He made me promise to live the best life I can and since my move an doing that.

We all have to live the best lives we can. Only 2 certainties in life we are born we die. The rest is up to us. So promise yourself to make it a good life and do all the things you want to do. No what if's or if only's . Make plans for the now and future.

Take care my friends ?

I love that last post whiff. Focussing on the good stuff has a lot going for it.

Still feeling a bit rubbish so I'll just say hello then go back to watching junk TV till the funk lifts. I'm ignoring the news for a day or two. I think catching in on the radio sometimes rather than TV sounds like a good idea Yogin.

The past indeed is another country spring20 - there's a lot I miss but we do have to make the most of what we have now.

Your positivity remains inspirational as ever smiles.

Whiff I didn't think anything could kill the love I had for my now estD, even 18mths after the c.o., I imagined a beautiful reunion, with me cuddling my D, saying how much I had missed her and the C, but now, at more than 9yrs, that love has definitely gone.

So nice to read how happy you are in your new home Whiff, walking is so good for you, everyone can do it. I walk on the beach most days now and it makes you glad to be alive.

Not there yet Smiles with my move. Still putting the new shed up, my patio doors are being fitted on the 24th, so after that I can start with the nice little things. Already buying plants for the garden, but not dug in as yet, bought a lovely apple tree for the front, so I can look out of my bedroom window at it, hope the birds will like it and pay a visit every day, that will really make me happy.

hugshelp hope you are feeling bit more up beat. Think we could all do with a week of sunshine . When the sun is shining it seems to make everything look better .

I stopped watching the news on the TV years ago as it was full of doom and gloom. Only hear it on the radio and read it on the BBC website. What's happening in Ukraine is awful but people forget all the other wars going on in the world that have been going on for years. People are rushing to send aid etc to help Ukrainians which is only right but do the same people send to the other countries still at war. Darfur (not spelt correctly) has been in place for decades and generations have been born there. But because it's not in the news people have forgotten they still need help.

I am not a political person. But do believe in fairness for all . I don't give to big charities as they have enough support plus they get help from the government. But give to what I call Cinderella charities ones who need the the help and do a lot to help people but don't have funds to waste on advertising.

Spring hope your ankle held up for your walk and it is feeling better.

Yogin you seem happy in your new home. And making plans what to do with it.Took me over 2 years to get my bungalow as I want it. Garden is an on going project.

Brought 2 x 50cm tubs from Wilko's this week as I want to grow 2 blueberry plants this year's . Need to measure up for the new panels for my greenhouse and get them ordered. Already got the silicone to seal them in with and the netting to cover my greenhouse. Both tips off the gardening forum to stop the panels blowing out again. Plus brought extra clips to hold them in. Will need to order my veg plants soon for delivery when they are ready. There is a local DIY / gardening shop that I get my compost from delivery free. Love having a project to do.

Got 2 appointments for next month at the hospital. One for my neurologist and one for ultrasound on my kidneys and bladder. I continue to be amazed at how good the health care is up here. And am very grateful for it. Should hear in few weeks the results of my echocardiogram I had done Monday.

Smiles hope you are having a ball with Mr S at the lodge . The dogs are bound to .

Had a thought in the shower do a lot of thinking in there. Do the favoured parents feel secure in their relationship with their children or do they worry the same thing can happen to them that has happened to us?

Have a good day everyone ?

Well said Alsorts. I just get on with life now. Having said that I'm aware of the fact that next month it will be a year since my son cut me out of his life and grandchildren chose the same option. They are 21 and 16. My brother asked just last night if I hear from them. No one can quite believe it all. Without my work and hobbies I'd be a head case. Also this site has been invaluable especially in those early months. Pleased to hear you are all progressing nicely. I'm returning to church tomorrow after a long break. Didn't feel like going as I'd have been a hypocrite. I can't change anything but I can help others in need.

Socks glad to hear you are doing better. You going back to church with the purpose of helping others isn't being a hypocrite. That's kindness wanting to help others. If church is the place you can do that then that's to be admired. I have used this before but walk down any road how many people are going through what we are but because of how they are feeling probably suffering on their own. They think they are the only ones. I have been surprised because I can talk about my son how many people have told me about their estrangement from family members.

We all help in our way. A simple good morning to someone on the street could mean the world to someone. As we might but the only person they speak to all day.

My mom used to think terrible things didn't happen to people when she was growing up. Said people where always kind. I did point out she had blinkers on. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

But here at least we have eachother and I am very grateful for you all.

Very true Whiff we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Folks are in need of other people having time for a friendly hello.

Hi everyone, sorry to pop up again without contributing daily but I don't give good advice and often don't know what to say.

Saying that, I really need some advice;

Yesterday it was my eldest Son's 40th (if you remember I was estranged from him but we have now made up) his wife arranged a surprise meet up at a restaurant, I had asked if my estranged son would be attending and was told that he hadn't been asked. We (two other sons and their partners) all arrived at the venue and sat down when in walks in my ES - it turned out she had invited him, his wife and my grandson. I was obviously taken aback and when everyone turned and looked at me and started asking if I was ok , I found it very embarrassing.
The problem I am having is I really don't think I can tolerate my eldest son's wife any longer, I have previously told you that I think she has Munchausan's and yesterday she kept referring to the fact that she hadn't got her hearing aids in - there's absolutely nothing wrong with her hearing! she also had a wheelchair there for my grandson (her son) because she insists he gets 'tired' yet they have booked to go on an adventure holiday in the summer ?! I cannot bear that she has turned my son and their children into hypocondriacs.
If she intended to cause me any distress by creating that situation last night, it back fired on her because I bit the bullet and went and spoke to my ES and was overjoyed when my EGC wouldn't let go of my hand.
I do not want to cause any trouble and would hate to lose contact with my eldest son again because of her but I cannot stand her, she has an evil streak but is very cunning so she never looks bad, I am not a confident person and she really gets to me, I didn't sleep last night going over and over the events of the evening.

Elless lovely to hear from you . I hope you managed to have a good time at the restaurant. Unfortunately I'm not the right one to give you advice. But I know others will have wise words for you. I didn't want to not reply . But how lovely you got to spend time with your grandson. ??

Hello everyone.

No real news this end but just dropping by to keep in touch. Still reading along, some lovely posts recently, lots of positivity. I agree it's how we move forward now that really counts. For me, no more dwelling in the past.....the past is indeed a foreign country. I am not going back there.

We cannot change the past but we can resolve to enjoy the present and work to create a better future. I see myself as a "work in progress" ?

Elless. How lovely you got to take part in the celebrations for you sons 40th birthday. And how nice that you got the opportunity to engage with your ES (no matter how it was engineered). And of course how fantastic that you got such an enthusiastic reaction from your grandchildren. Very heartwarming,

How to move forward with eldest sons wife......

Well I would advocate putting your personal feelings to one side for the greater good, I would ignore your DILs hypochondriac tendencies. I would "kill her with kindness".

If she is genuinely a hypochondriac then she is to be pitied. She can't help herself, it is after all learned behaviour and it is a form of illness in itself. It might be "all in the mind" but the physical symptoms can be very real.

Best not to rise to it, just let her get on with it, listen to her woes, offer tea and sympathy. It's her quality of life that she is being ruined, not yours. She is the one who is missing out on a decent quality of life.

I can, however, understand your concern about the impact this might be having on your son and grandson. And I can appreciate you wanting to "put things right". However, given that you have only recently been reconciled with your son you do need to proceed with extreme caution.

Why does DIL think your grandson needs a wheelchair at times. Has he experienced difficulties with mobility, other than seeming "tired". Does he have health issues that you haven't been made aware of. I think you need to try and dig a bit deeper (with tact and diplomacy of course), see if you can offer help and support.

As for the adventure holiday, don't worry. Even if your GS does need a wheelchair occasionally, it's perfectly possible for him to take part in appropriate activities and have a good time.

My overall advice is this.....

Try to find a way of engaging with your DIL. She is your sons wife and the mother of your grandchildren. She is the gatekeeper and as such, you need to do all you can to establish a cordial and, at the very least, a workable relationship.

You had a period of estrangement with your son and have now reconciled. That is truly wonderful. If you want your relationship to continue, to grow and to flourish then you will have to learn to not merely "tolerate" your DIL but you need to find a way of Establishing some kind of rapport. Some kind of common ground or interest.

Obviously you have a common ground with regards to family but is their anything else you can work on, something nice that you can share ....it could be anything......interior design, gardening, films.

Families can be hard work. Just as we have no choice in our work colleagues, often the same applies to new family members. We don't get to choose them, we were thrown together by circumstance. And just like work colleagues, we have to find a way of establishing a good working relationship. Not always easy but in the case of in-laws, absolutely crucial.

It's hard I know, especially if in truth we actively dislike someone but sometimes we just have to grit our teeth, be polite and play along.

With regard to any "ulterior motive" you feel your DIL might have had for inviting your ES. Maybe she didn't have an ulterior motive at all. Maybe it had nothing to do with you. Maybe she just had second thoughts. Maybe she just wanted to give your son a nice birthday celebration, allowing him the opportunity to celebrate with his family.....mum, siblings etc.

Could it be possible you are seeing malicious intent when none actually existed. I'm not criticising you, I know I have been guilty of exactly this in the past. It's difficult I know but sometimes I think we can be guilty of overthinking things, of overreacting, of being over sensitive.

When we have been unfairly treated or maligned it is only too easy to see imagined hurts and insults when non are intended.

We become hyper vigilant, over sensitive, nervous and irrational. It's normal. It is our brains way of working to protect us from further harm. It is the brains job. But sometimes, the amygdala, the part of the brain which functions to protect us, becomes hyper sensitive to stimuli and goes into overdrive.

This is why it so important to manage our brains, to control our thoughts, to reprogramme the amygdala and just generally calm everything down and stop the endless internal negative chatter which is so destructive. Meditation, relaxation, mindfulness, exercise etc all have a role to play in helping us manage our "toddler brain".

It's hard work at times, and I'm still not fully there yet which is why I call myself a work in progress. But I'm learning.....less rumination, less beating myself up over past mistakes, treating myself with kindness, better self care, working on my physical health, as well as my emotional well being, A major part in this is learning to "step back".

Elless - if you can I would strongly advise you to take it easy, step back a bit. I know you are concerned about what you see as possible Munchausens By Proxy but you need to be careful not to risk estrangement again. If you are cut off again you will be powerless to protect your family.

Play it cool, monitor what's going on and play the long game, keep a diary, gather evidence, and then if you do need to act in order to protect your grandchildren then you at least have proof.

If you want to take action you need to build a case.

Hi Elles. It's a great step forward you have connected with your ES again. Don't rick the boat with the DIL. Don't rise to the bait. Wives are not always wives but mother and sin will always be mother and son. I'm not good at giving advice either but tread carefully now you have contact with your son. Best wishes x

Thanks for the advice, I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with my GS, when he is with us he walks for miles, I can't keep up with him. All you get from him when he is visiting is 'I'm not allowed to take/do/try that because of my condition' - she has him convinced he is ill but we see a healthy young boy wanting to try new things which she prevents. I will keep an eye on my GC from the sidelines and bite my tongue though it is hard.

Hmmm, That doesn't good at all, Elless. No wonder you are concerned. At least you are now back in your GS's life so you can monitor the situation.

How old is your grandson. Does he attend nursery or school. Does he interact with anyone other than his parents. What is this "condition". Is there a diagnosis.. Is he receiving medical care. Where does your son (the boys father) stand.

Covid has been with us for 2 years now and a lot of issues with children have gone unnoticed. If you feel anxious that something is awry then please trust your instincts and keep digging.

One thing that occurs to me........ Is there something genetic on DILs side of the family that is causing her to panic and be overprotective.

I ask this because I sometimes fear for my own sons and grandsons genetic inheritance, despite being advised that my husbands illness was idiopathic and that my sons and grandsons are not at risk.

My head tells me to stop worrying but my heart shudders at the thought of them contracting his illness. The fear is always there, lurking in the background. When they get ill, even if it's just a snuffle I have to will myself not to get into a funk. I have to trust and have faith. Very difficult sometimes but I know that's the only way to control my fears and not to turn my family into gibbering nervous wrecks who are too scared to live their lives.

Elless, I agree you must bite your tongue.....for now.....but definitely do some digging. Be discreet though, don't let DIL know what you are doing or it will be curtains for your relationship with your son.

Hopefully you are wrong about her and she's just being a bit over protective. If so then there should be no long term effects. Your grandson will assert himself and fight for his autonomy. However, if you are right and there really is something more sinister at work (for example unnecessary medical interventions and procedures) then obviously there needs to be an intervention.

Munchausens By Proxy is probably extremely rare, but it's not unknown. There will be help out there but first you need to gather as much information as you can so as not to make false accusations. If you are right and you act without sufficient proof you could up being cut off again, resulting in your grandson becoming isolated, without anyone to protect him.

You have to remain in the loop. So just bide your time but remain watchful. And trust your gut instincts. If you feel you are being fobbed off, then you need to keep digging until you get to the truth.

I wish you every bit of luck. A very tricky situation, one that requires both delicacy and perseverance. But, you're a grandmother, you can do it.

I am feeling perkier thank you whiff, though I wasn't overjoyed when the washer flooded the kitchen this morning, but we've rescued the situation. Was tired this afternoon so just had a nice peaceful snuggle while DH watched rugby. I'm certainly looking forward to better weather. Was middling here today. Your gardening plans seem to be coming along great guns.

I hope returning to church is a joy for you socks. We drifted away, mainly due to a certain priest moving into our last parish and basically tearing things apart - both the church building itself and the sense of community, and constantly preaching about wanting more contributions while showing people around his new kitchen, and displaying his new gadgets and wine collection. Bit tactless to say the least. Anyway, now we're getting geared up to move (hoping to be ready by end of Apr to get house on the market and start looking seriously) we've started looking at places with nice churches with a view to starting again.

Elless - if it were me I would try my hardest to get to know the DIL more, even if she does drive you batty. Firstly, unless someone has made a diagnosis, how can you be sure she really does have Munchausan's or that there's nothing wrong with her hearing? Maybe she only had difficulty in picking up certain pitches or distinguishing clarity or something.
As for the wheelchair, there are variable conditions where the user can tire significantly and need a wheelchair some of the time but all of the time. Also, my daughter is a wheelchair user with severe medical issues but has been on an adventure holiday - it was organised by a charity for disabled young people who had all the specialist facilities to support their needs and work around their fatigue issues. Now, none of this may apply, but it can be easy to make assumptions that might not be correct. Also, if she has got psychological problems I would say that is just as deserving of sympathy and support as any other medical issue, though often much harder to facilitate. And finally, if she is just not right, I'd want to be there in the background to step in and help the family any way possible if things go bady awry. But that's just my two penneth, you must do what is right for you. I really like DSL's kill her with kindness comment - and if it turns out you were wrong you'll have nothing to reproach yourself for.
Edit - I've just seen your later post where you say he can walk for miles. That does sound unusual for someone who needs a wheelchair even intermittently, but I couldn't be sure. When he says it's his condition I'd offer sympathy and ask him what his condition is. Or ask his mum. It's perfectly normal for a caring relative to try and find out more about family members health problems with a view to supporting them I'd have thought.

Hugs your point about hearing loss is very interesting. Its a strange beast, hearing can fluctuate. My dad had exactly the same issues that you describe, he too had problems with pitch, and distinguishing speech, especially if several conversations were going on around him or in places where there is background noise. So restaurants and family gatherings were especially difficult for him. He would get exhausted and would often give up trying to communicate. He told me hearing aids didn't help, all they did was amplify sound, they couldn't help him distinguish pitch or seperate different conversations. It was just "all noise" to him.

I realised he often lip reading, without him being aware that is what he was doing, and so I taught my boys they needed to face their gf so he could see their mouths and facial expressions.

Oops. Posted too soon.

Elless - perhaps your DIL has similar issues to my dad, I often used to joke about his "selective hearing". I used to say to him that I bet he would hear me if I whispered that I was giving away a tenner.....??.

Hugshelp....glad you are feeling perkier. Me too, I can feel spring is in the air......at last.

I think we all need some of this....??

Ellesse, What a worrying thing for you. However very pleased you have resumed contact. No wise words from me I’m afraid, I don’t get things right at all.