Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Purplepixie a break away will do you the world of good. And your husband is trying to do everything he can to cheer you up so let him . My husband would be doing everything he could to make me feel better if he was here.

Men need something practical to do it's their way of coping when we are going through emotional times. Perfect example when I got ill in 1988 my husband's first thought was to put another handle rail up the stairs to help me . Which is what I needed.

He sees you suffering but can't help you with your son. He's not his dad . Hope I got that right.

You have a wonderful son together who loves you both deeply. He must feel as helpless as his dad. And hates seeing you being hurt so much.

I have written letter after letter in my mind to my son. Run through conversations I would have with him. But will never write a letter or speak to him first. If he wants his mom back he needs to come and face me. But I have no forgiveness to give . What he and my daughter in law have done can never be forgiven.

How do you feel after putting your feelings down in print ? Hopefully writing it out has made you feel bit better. If you did send it from what you have said I think he will use it to hurt you more.

A short text like Madgran suggested would be better. With no emotion and nothing that he can hurt you with anymore.

We are being punished by our estranged children and for what. Giving them unconditional love , support, understanding and our protection since they were born.

As per usual no idea to end this . But to say this we know who we are and we are no one's punching bag. Think someone has said before on previous support threads this is elder abuse what our children are doing.

Apologies if I have that wrong.

Good Morning Everyone.

Smiles. Glad you arrived safe and sound at your lodge. Sounds fab. It's good to get a break away from the everyday.

Well my eldest grandson contracted covid, passed it on to DIL but so far my son, the other grandson and myself are all in the clear. ?. I have been self isolating, just in case. And I ordered some tests.

All is good here, apart from my fibro which continues to give me gyp. Mind - humphing furniture around and deep cleaning won't help. Will I ever learn. ?. Getting stuff ready for my odd job man to start on 21st March. Hope the weather picks up because there's quite a lot of outside jobs on my to do list.

pixie. You're in a bit of a pickle aren't you. Only you can work a way out of this mess. What does your husband have to say about it all, or, as if often the case with men, is all the time he's spending in his shed his way of "shelving" the issue, of being an ostrich. If he ignores it, it will go away.

However, aren't you also procrastinating? Perfectly understandable and I can appreciate you need thinking time but I can see that your delay in responding could be construed as "sulking". I agree with Madgran, I think some sort of "holding" communication from you is required. Just ignoring your son for much longer risks further alienation. If you cannot bear to talk to him yet, just a simple bland catch all text. No questions, no suggestions to meet up until you feel stronger.

I agree with everyone here you really need to ask yourself some serious questions, what do YOU want to happen. Then you need to ask yourself what do you need to do to help facilitate your desired result, what compromises can you make, what is non negotiable, what is acceptable, what would be intolerable. Only you know the answers. And you are the one that matters. What you decide will reverberate down the years to come.

I know there are many of you who disagree with my approach. Perhaps you think me too soft and that I have caved in. Trust me I haven't. Yes I accepted the olive branch when it was offered. However, I did so with my eyes wide open. I am under no illusions that going forward is not going to be a bed of roses. But to me it's worth taking a punt.

I have set boundaries and I am clear in my own mind what I will accept with good grace and what I absolutely will not tolerate again. There is a line. If they cross it, then I'm done. I've been given a second chance and I've grabbed it, but by the same token I have given them a second chance too. I wont give them a third chance. If they screw up again, then I walk.

My son hasn't said anything but I know he senses my new found strength and seriousness of intent, DIL maybe not.

Some people might think I'm selling out by doing this, that I am being a doormat or somehow betraying my authentic self. I don't see it that way. I just see it as me being pragmatic.

My objective was very simple, to maintain channels of communication with my son and DIL in order to get a chance to see my grandchildren. By compromising, by not insisting on explanations or apologies and by accepting the olive branch at face vale I have got what I want.

By extending the hand of friendship to my DIL I allowed my son to step down off his high horse without losing face and I got to re-establish to my relationship with my son, as well as the chance to build a relationship with my grandsons. I see that as a win-win scenario.

Pixie.....your son has offered an olive branch, twice now. I know you feel unhappy and want more but I think he's shown a willingness to open up a dialogue. It might not seem much, but it's better than nothing, it's a step in the right direction. You might not agree but I think it took some courage for him to make the first move.

Now do you have the courage to try again. It's understandable if you decide it's not worth the risk, there's a limit to how much hurt we can take.

Only you know if you've reached your limit.

Thank you Whiff but my youngest son is not with my husband. I was married at the age of 18 to my eldest son and daughter’s dad. He was a wife beater - i got away after too many wasted years. Then I met my youngest son’s dad and we didn’t get married. We drifted apart as I had met him during the rebound time and we were not suited and nothing was going to make me stay with him. I had wasted too many years with the first one. I have remained friends with my youngest son’s dad who now lives in America. My now husband is my youngest son’s step dad and they get on really well. Thank goodness. I do feel better after typing a lot down this morning but nothing can take away this awful feeling which I have in the pit of my stomach today. I have a big birthday coming up soon and I just dont want my eldest son etc anywhere near as I feel like I am battered and bruised from all that has gone on. Just a quiet lunch out with my DH and youngest son is planned for the day. Then my youngest son will drive back to his apartment later that day. Birthday over.
Once again thank you for your reply.

Hi again, pixie. Our posts crossed.

So good to see your husband has suggested time away. What a lovely kind thoughtful man. It's just the ticket. Please agree to go. And have a wonderful time.

I agree with Whiff.....be very careful about committing your thoughts and feelings on paper. Your son could so easily use what you write to twist the knife. I genuinely think just a short bland text to start with.

By all means write reams, get it out of your head but don't send it, keep it private.

DSL Thank you for your reply. I hear what you are saying but inside I just do not feel like he is offering an olive branch at all. Maybe I have it all wrong. Anyway I am not ready yet to accept his version of this olive branch.

We keep crossing posts.

I have no intention to send this letter to him right now. Maybe never will.

We are going for a few days to Wales at the end of April and the place is now booked. The break I need. DH might spend a lot of time in his man cave but he is thinking of me all the same.

Whiff.....I hadn't actually thought of it as "elder abuse". Probably because in my mind I'm still a spring chicken, ??. but you are right. It is elder abuse,

I've no idea why they think they can get away with it. I know in my case it was because I didn't draw boundaries. I let them do it. I let them get away with murder.

I kowtowed to my DIL and kept trying to appease her. Looking back I'm disgusted with myself, because I debased myself in the process. Never, ever again.

It was only when I recovered from the shock of those texts that I eventually stood up for myself and challenged her. I finally called her out.

Since that day I have never looked back. I reclaimed my pride and dignity. I adopted my red velvet rope policy and I will continue to do so. I will continue to hold my head up high and I will never again allow things to go back as they were.

The moment they cross the line they will be cast out of my life for good. They won't get a third chance.

Pixie....that's great. He sounds a gem.

Sorry Purplepixie I got it wrong about your husband and youngest son. But so glad they get on so well. Didn't mean for you to have to explain yourself . ?

I think you have to look at where you want a relationship to go, it will go nowhere unless you do something. However, if people have a history of any abuse I can’t seen them changing. I personally couldn’t compromise to the extent I was thinking every meeting, telephone call etc through beforehand so as to manage a situation, it’s not natural. Children grow up and away once University beckons etc.

All Sorts ........"managing a situation" isn't natural...... point taken. However,, sometimes we don't have a choice. I either "manage the situation" as best I can or risk losing my family.

I wasn't offered a choice in the matter but I can choose how I respond to what is a very challenging situation. I would dearly love to revert back to the easy, relaxed relationship my son and I once shared but I can't see that happening in the foreseeable future. So in the meantime I tread carefully, forward plan to minimise the risk of potential pitfalls, and just try to maintain what's left of my relationship with my son in the hope that we can rebuild it one day. It's a salvage operation. ?

I know it may seem like a compromise too far for some, but I feel it's worth it, although I admit it is tiring to be on your guard all the time. However I feel the rewards do outweigh the effort required to make things work.

It's by no means ideal but it's better than nowt. So I'll just carry on, carrying on.

Writing your thoughts down, even if you never send the letter, sounds like a really good way of working through some of your feelings PP. But as others have said, don't send anything which could be used against you. It's just not worth the angst. I do hope you start looking forward to the break, it might do you the world of good.

DerbyshireLass, you are in touch with your son and family, you appear to see him regularly on your terms, which is good he obviously wants and needs you in his life.For you all that is really good. Unfortunately for many of us we have lost that, no communication, no closeness, just as it is in my case, out of the picture, no reasons given, no letters, phone calls, texts, anything, just no contact, no chance to reconnect, no explanation, nothing. You cannot imaging your own daughter doing that, so blame yourself but for what? I have done everything in my power to right the situation been through hell trying to recall any way I hurt her. Much to late for me, when she severed contact she meant it, I don’t exist to her, yet she’s always on my mind. So many wasted years as I couldn’t give up. All those years I thought we were happy and close, she wasn’t.
If anyone can avoid that, if there’s love there, of course you keep in touch and have contact. I am in no position to give advice considering the mess I’ve made but I will say if there’s any way you can right things, do it whilst you can, don’t be like me.

Ah Allsorts, my heart goes out to you. So much pain. ?. It must be awful when all hope dies. I'm so sorry for you, and for others in your position.

For myself - well I'm just holding on ......at least we're still communicating and I see them now and again. It's not great but it will have to do. I'm not going to put my life on hold any longer, I have wasted enough time on them, shed enough tears over them.

Time for me to live my best life. ?

Grey and miserable again, I'm off to Wilkos for fence paint. Want to get cracking this week.

Allsorts - my daughter is exactly the same. I last spoke to her December 2014 and haven’t seen or heard from her since. I wrote, text and phone without any reply. Every birthday and christmas I send her a card and gift voucher. I dont want anything for myself only an acknowledgement would be nice. She was such a cute child. Her eldest brother being the bully of the pair and he continues to be so. What have I done wrong?

Yesterday, I spoke to my youngest son and he also thinks I should reply to my eldest son when I feel ready, but not until. The decision still has to be mine.

This morning I cried while in the shower and I feel down and miserable now. DH has gone to his brothers house to sort out some of their mams stuff. It has been there for 2 years after her death and they have finally got round to it now.

At least we have our little break in April to look forward to. Also my youngest son is coming home for my birthday at the end of this month and we are all (3) going out for lunch on the day.

DSL - if I lived nearer I would come along and help you paint your fence. Company and something to do would help a lot today. Take care.

Ah that's a nice offer. Pixie. Some company would be nice.

I don't mind living alone, I'm used to it now but I do feel a mild pang of envy at being a widow, especially when I see couples together out and about. I still miss my husband, always will. Just thinking about him now has set off the tears again. Hey ho. I'm guess I'm just feeling a tad low myself today, no real reason, I'm just sick of this grey miserable weather.

I've nipped out and bought the paint, but I doubt very much I will be painting today. It's still pretty cold. The forecast says it's going to warm up a bit starting tomorrow. I thought I'd just buy the the paint in readiness.

Tbh I don't feel like doing much today, definitely an easy day today, and then hopefully I'll find the energy to get cracking tomorrow.

Need to find my mojo. ??. Roll on spring, maybe I'll find it when the better weather arrives.

Maybe I should take a leaf out of your book and go away for a few days.

Just popping in to say hi - and to say thanks so much for all the ways your chat helps in managing what is for us all a tough situation. Been a tough few weeks for me……injured my ankle, and I think the enforced resting has given me too much time to brood. But lovely to hear how you all keep yourselves occupied and busy.Reminds me is always something we can smile about. Love to all.

Nice to see you again spring20. Hope the ankle soon mends - as you say too much time to brood can be unpleasant.

Spring20 sorry to hear about your ankle hope you are soon back to normal. Glad you are enjoying our chattering.

I had forgotten it was mother's Day this month until my daughter asked what I would like. She has never asked that before. Birthdays and Christmas yes but never then. I just like a card. I have always worried about what my children spent on me for special days. Even though my mother in law was a nightmare. After my husband died both children made sure she had a mother's Day card for nannie. Was she grateful no of course not.

When I go to the hospital always have a taxi as I hate being later always at least 30 mins early. Yesterday as usual was talking to the driver. Yet another estrangement story. On his side and his wife's side of the family. He brought it up so we talked. Until it happen to me I never realised how much and how many people it effects. Thinking back I heard people say they didn't see their children,brothers,sisters etc. Never realised how much they must have been hurting or understood what they where talking about. I remember thinking that would never happen to me. What a fool I was.

It's only when something happens in your life that you take more notice of how the same thing effects other people.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer the figures were 1 in 3 get cancer now it's 1 in 2. Is that because more people are getting cancer or because diagnoses is getting better and people seeking help sooner? Same with estrangement I didn't know it was so common until it happened to me.

Being able to openly talk about my son and how I feel makes it easier to bear and that's thanks to finding the support thread and knowing I am not alone.

It's funny in a way if my husband hadn't died I would never have found Gransnet as I wouldn't have needed it. I had him. Things that happen in our lives takes us on different pathways . Some nice others awful. But it's how we navigate them that makes us who we are. And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Doesn't always feel like that but it does.

You think as you get older life can't throw anything else at you. Then wham it does. I suppose it's lifes way of saying oh no you can't take it easy now just because you are getting older you still have to work at it. I sometimes think that's enough can't take anymore but I do. As we all do. But I would hate a boring life . I like having a challenge and finding a way to overcome it. Many tears and hair pulling along the way but I get there.
As we all do.

Take care everyone.

I know it’s only a soap, but one I love. Coronation Street. One of the storylines at the moment is a teenager, after a rotten childhood with an awful mother, is now being fostered by a couple, her+mother turns up, terminally ill , the daughter fits in looking after her and her schoolwork, when her mother asks why after how she’s treated her, the girl says, because you’re my mom that’s why and snuggles up to her. It bought tears to my eyes, that was the right thing to do, yet we who cared so much are cast aside like garbage, through a pandemic, our estranged child not knowing if we we are alive or dead. It’s inexcusable. I think after a while we can think we’re not worth so much because the person we believed in most doesn’t think we are. I don’t think I will be getting a Mother’s Day card so I will do as I do on birthdays and Christmas and treat myself. I am a mother, I did my best. Estranged children can they say, I did my best, the right thing?

Allsorts no estranged children can't say they tried or did their best. They just took the easy way out and dumped us. And then play the victims. My in laws where awful but my husband would never give up on his parents . So after he died I looked after his mom and I hated her. She was my husband's mom and our children's grandmother she was family and I was brought up you don't turn your back on family. My mother in law turned her back on her own son after he died saying she had no son but she did the same thing to her own grandchildren. Telling people she had no grandchildren. But I looked after her for 11 years as she out lived my husband by that much.

I will never know why my son decided he didn't want his mom. All I got was being accussed of things I am not or did and lies. He never gave me chance to defend myself. He accussed me of things but he doesn't know what I did in certain circumstances. He just assumed he knew what I did. There are 2 sides to everything thing but he only saw his and that's all he wanted to know. Because he didn't want to know the truth because he would lose his roll of victim and have to admit he was wrong. And would have to give me the real reason he cut all our side of the family from his life. And that is a truth he couldn't or wouldn't face.

Are our grandchildren going to grow up with the attitude if something's difficult just give up . I really hope not but do wonder.

Allsorts hope you treat yourself to something really nice. ?

Morning everyone.

PP like you, I question whether your son's text is an olive branch, or whether it's yet another example of his bullying and controlling behaviour, and if it doesn't 'go his way' he'll then put the responsibility onto your shoulders and say contact ceased because you were sulking.

FWIW I think that you're right to take your time and wait until you are ready to respond. I agree with the view that if you don't reply, or wait too long, that may be viewed negatively but that said, if your son really wants to have a relationship with you, he wont seize the opportunity to use this situation as an 'excuse' to cease contact all together.

The trip in April sounds great, and gives you something to look forward too and hopefully to take your mind off what's going on.

As you and Allsorts have said DSL, managing relationships with our AC isn't normal but then their behaviour isn't 'normal' either, so doing whatever you can, while you can is the only thing you can do.

Putting thoughts and feelings down on paper even if you don't do anything with it is surprisingly cathartic hugshelp as I know from personal experience. I did so numerous times in earlier years of our estrangement, and never sent any of them.

I haven't watched Corry in years Allsorts and that story would have reduced me to tears without a doubt. A story line in a drama can be so powerful can't it because they so often mirror reality and the reality for us couldn't be more marked could it.

Been there for our AC their entire lives until no longer required and as Whiff'ssaid, as far as our EAC are concerned no, they can't say they tried and did their best, because they didn't.

We think that our children will learn by example, by the examples we set them as their parents but our EAC aren't. Maybe their children, our GC will ignore the example they've been set and our EAC will be spared the horror and pain of estrangement. On the other hand, they might grow up with the view that everything and everyone is disposable, including one's parents.

Sorry about your ankle Spring, hope it feels better soon. I think this thread is in many ways positive, despite the pain of our estrangements or the stress that comes with the fear that we may be estranged, life goes on doesn't it, and that's what we also share.

De cluttering, fence painting, exercise classes, going out and about and so much else reminds us all that estrangement is one aspect of our lives, but not our entire lives even when it sometimes feels that way.

for you all, dear friends xx

Smilesless - that is exactly how I feel. No one has any idea just how hurt I have been in the past by the way he has spoken to me. I am going to take my time in thinking about it.

Once, I went to his house to look after my two grand children for the whole weekend. It was early on saturday morning until late on Sunday night. At the time I had a full time job etc and it wasn’t that long ago. I casually asked my grand daughter when her sports day is and she said that it was the thursday gone. I was gutted. My mam never missed a sports day or carol service and she didnt drive. I kept her informed all the time and loved her company on those days. She truly loved going to these events. On that particular occasion my eldest son came into the room and I said that I was gutted that I had missed it. He said that I missed a fantastic day as my grand daughter had won lots of events! I asked why he hadn’t informed me and I would have gone. He said that he didnt know that I liked to go!? What? Anyway I should have asked him prior to this when it was! Again, I was gutted. It turned out to be her last sports day at that school because Covid came along and now she is at “big” school. So many other events that I missed out on.

My grand son also asked me to their house the next time they have a BBQ. The inlaws have been often. I said that I have to be invited by his parents first but I will be there once invited. No invite has ever come my way.

I’ve just been for a walk this morning to clear my head which is hurting today. Last night I went to bed with a horrible headache and it isn’t much better today. An afternoon of just resting for me.

These headaches are definitely caused by tension PP so I hope a walk in the fresh air did some good and you've taken it easy this afternoon.

The hurt they cause with what they say is awful I know. Things said can never be unsaid and unheard and despite our best efforts to do so, we never forget them.

We've had a lovely day. It's been sunny here and it was nice to get out. We went to a lovely market town we only go to when we're here as it's too far to go from home. We used to go a lot before we moved, so it's always good to go when we're at our lodge.

I bought a little plaque for our kitchen here 'This is our happy place' which Mr. S. has hung up for me.

Had a nice lunch out so just cheese, pate and crackers for tea later. We took the dogs out fora walk round the site when we got back. This is the only place where our little poodle is enthusiastic about going out!!!

Things that happen in our lives takes us on different pathways . Some nice others awful. But it's how we navigate them that makes us who we are. What a lovely post Whiff.
Everything you say in your next post, about how your son treated you and had no interest in your side of things, that's just how I feel.

It's so sad to hear that your Grandson wanted to invite you but his parents didn't purplepixie.

Glad you're having a lovely time smiles.

Been feeling a bit low today. Not about estrangement in particular, just the general state of the world. It feels like the bad news just keeps rolling in. I normally manage to focus on nice things closer to home but sometimes it just feels a bit relentless.

Our daughter's partner and all his family have covid atm too. Fingers crossed they'll be ok but I'll be glad to see them all come out the other side of it.