Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Thanks everyone for the flowers & hugs. I had a busy day so it was only when I sat for dinner with a glass of wine that the sorrow came, I did a little toast to her.

Good luck with your EA today Hugs I agree with Whiff re tidy & clean but homely too.

I had an EA come round and he was telling me to box things up, clearing bookcases etc. decorate, changing things around & covering my red settee with cream throws, he said you can move it all back again after the pics! It would have been like a mini move if I'd done all he asked. I took a look at his properties for sale online and they were soulless, empty bookcases, no ornaments or anything personal. The later is just what I liked to see in property photos, all the personal stuff and even cats & dogs here & there to make you chuckle.

Happy belated birthday petit

The card was from Smiles son in Oz Whiff

Thanks Yogin. Sorry Smiles I got it wrong. Just had a thought I hope it doesn't mean I need new reading glasses again??.

Well the postman has been the letter to my son didn't come back . So hopefully means he did read it and will act on it. But will never know.

Going out into the garden again today. Front garden needs weeding .

Have a good day everyone.

Good advice from Whiff and Yogin about pics showing your house as a home, people need to imagine themselves living there hugs.

No worries Whiff, I'm sure you're reading glasses are fine.

Good that the letter hasn't been returned. As I've said, it's up to him now as you've done all that you can so put it out of you mind if you can.

Those pesky weeds. We lovingly tend the plants and flowers we want but they thrive regardless don't they.

Thanks for the advice Whiff. He's done them and we'll see them by the end of the week. It seemed to go okay. I'm a bit wary of putting stuff on public forums where I go anonymous but if you want to know about the anthology I can message you. I do hope your son has read the letter. No news sounds like good news so far.

Thanks for reaffirming the advice too Yogin. We did a pretty major cleanup but left a selection of personal things to stop it being too soul-less. I hid some of the daily necessities in odd places such as the bowl with the sink scrubbies in the microwave. I can't see the point of hiding books though. I like to see books on the bookshelves and a few neatly placed ornaments.

We need a de-stress wind-down now and the weather is passably good so we're off for a stroll.

Hi all, sorry a bit out of step with you all but I have felt so down lately. DH doesn’t help. Sorry for all of you who have lost loved ones, partners or husbands but mine is truly getting me down. He has children who he hasn’t seen in years and doesn’t want to. I am different in the fact that I really have cared and loved mine in the past. My daughter I haven’t seen for over 7 years now but I did love and care for her up to the time when I felt it was all burned out with her. He has no empathy when I say anything about them to the point that I am not going to mention them again. I have some excellent friends but they all live over 200 miles away so it is all contact via phone or email but they help me a lot. Sorry for venting in this way but I am feeling so worn down with all of my life at the moment. Must get back to my crafts and try and pull myself out of this. I have been back out there walking but again that is on my own and I feel like I am in a fish bowl and drowning. Take care everyone.

Try again just lost my message.
Purplepixie this is the place to come and vent . You didn't turn your back on your children they did that. When the estrangement weighs you down it's hard to find a way through. Like swimming through treacle.

I have friends but don't talk to them about how I feel as they are either happy families or never had children.

My daughter is angry my son has hurt me so much. She has washed her hands of him. My brother would gladly thump him. So don't talk to them unless at rock bottom. I talk to strangers easier and it's amazing how many people are estranged from family members. It's still a taboo subject. If they talked about it on Loose women it wouldn't be.

Vent here as much as want I know without all of you I couldn't have got through the last 2 years.

Your children decided you are not their mom or grandmother . But what must annoy the hell out of them is you are their mom and a grandmother . Nothing they can do will change that fact.

Mrs Brown in an episode said we are amateur parents with amateur children. Which is true. We have our babies and they don't come with instructions or default settings. Our estranged children must think they are the perfect parents. News flash there is no such thing as perfect.

My son through things back in my face in his email and letter. I could have played that game and sent a letter pointing out all their short comings as parents but I would never hurt them that way. My grandson's will do that when they are older.

Sorry you can't talk to your husband. I talk to mine all the time even though he can't answer me I feel better talking out loud as it stops the thoughts whirling round my head.

When you go for a walk either find a place to sit or do it walking and say how you feel out loud I promise voicing how you feel does help. And good cry does to. If you try and hold it all in you are only hurting yourself.

I hope you feel better soon. But we are here for you .

Pixie Whiff is right, you need to come on here and just let it all pour out. Clearly your husband will never understand, so you're right to decide not to mention it again. A nice walk in the countryside or a walk by the sea will make you feel tons better. You really should get yourself a lovely little dog. Go on 'Dogs trust' or Battersea dogs home', you will see all the lovely little doggies waiting for a loving mum, which is you Pixie

My little dog definitely saved my life and my new little rescue dog is continuing to do so. You can talk to them, pour out your feelings to them, they listen, they give you a kiss and a hug, and then the world seems a better place. When you get a little dog your only regret will be not getting him/her sooner.

I've been feeling emotional this week, with it being my beloved GD 12th birthday. I wake thinking of all the awful things I was put through, just for loving her so much. Going to court on my DD 30th birthday, having a baying mob of gypsies waiting for me in the carpark afterwards, I don't know how I drove out of there. I got home and had to wrap my DD birthday gifts and write her card. How my heart kept beating, with the pain unbearable, I really don't know. If it hadn't of been for my DD's birthday celebration, which instead of a big party, because of the terrible situation with her sister, was just a low key meal out with her husband & his M&D, I wonder if I would have stayed to see the next daylight, I think not.

When I read posts like yours PP it reminds me how important this thread is.

It must be so hard to not be able to talk about this with your H, harder than not having a H or partner with you and I know how blessed Mr. S. and I are to have one another.

In my experience, trying to pull yourself out of periods like this makes it harder to deal with, because it can make you feel that you shouldn't be feeling the way you do. But, as horrible as it is, it is OK, OK and perfectly natural.

Never apologise for sharing here. It's what we, and this thread are here for .

'Mrs. Brown' is right Whiff. I say we are imperfect people, who became imperfect parents and have done our best to raise our imperfect children.

What would we have done without our fur babies Yogin? Nearly 6 years ago we were staying here in our original static, just a couple of months before we were due to move and I had a terrible panic attack.

Mr. S. was at work and I was really scared, I couldn't breath and my heart was going ten to the dozen; I honestly thought I was having a heart attack.

I went to lie down on the bed and our little poodle lay down with me, right up close. As I stroked him and listened to him breathing, I eventually managed to regulate my breathing with his, and eventually fell asleep.

When I woke up a couple of hours later, he was still there by my side.

Getting a little fury friend to share your walks, to talk to and to cuddle is a great idea PP so maybe something you could think about.

I remember when you posted about leaving court and what you were confronted with Yogin. If any proof was needed that being stopped from seeing your GD was sheer spite, that was it.

Such strength and courage to walk past and not let them see how devastated you were at the outcome. It still makes my blood boil, just thinking about it .

Thank you everyone for being so understanding. This is truly the right place to come for us all.

DH is adamant that we are not having another pet. I had my beautiful tabby cat for 20.5 years when I sadly had to say goodbye to her back in November 2019. She was always there for me. Greeting me when I came home from another horrible job, sitting beside only me on the settee. If anyone else sat beside her she would track me down and sit with me. 9 years before she died she was diagnosed with diabetes and I used to inject her twice per day and fed her on her special food. She was my love and rock. DH did have two pets before we moved in with him and his son but the cat died and he passed the dog to his parents because he used to work awkward shifts. It died a long time ago and he says they are just too tying if we want to go anywhere but there are catteries for those times. I have knitted over 100 blankets for Battersea so I know exactly just what animals they have as I look on there at least once per week.

Yesterday I did manage to get on making my single bed duvet cover and because it is raining then I will do some more this afternoon. I feel like screaming though as I cannot seem to talk to DH about the way I feel anymore.

Maybe put my coat on this afternoon and brave the weather and have a walk.

Once again - Thank You to you all.

I'm sure I shouldn't suggest this but maybe you should be adamant about getting a dog PP. If your H isn't willing or able to give you the emotional support you clearly need, then you could tell him that you're going to get a dog.

That's me though, stubborn and bloody awkward and on that subject, I have resigned as treasurer and from the PCC.

More unnecessary aggro and I've had enough. I haven't made it official and have agreed to meet up with the Church Warden next Tuesday, but my mind's made up.

She'll try to persuade me to stay, and has even said that she'll have to resign but I wont be swayed. The internal politics and back stabbing, especially the back stabbing when it's my back isn't something I'm prepared to tolerate .

We've all been there with our EAC haven't we, so I'm sticking with the decision and feel better for it.

Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time Pixie. It comes in waves doesn’t it. I hope this one soon recedes and you can feel on more of an even keel. I also think it can be hard to talk with spouses as we aren’t always in sync re the need to talk. I’m conscious if I’m having a low day, I sometimes don’t want to drag him down too by talking about the E, and vice versa. Your husband’s seeming detachment may simply be his best coping mechanism. Spent today sorting out internal politics of a social group I belong to. Folk can be so complicated sometimes can’t they?? Maybe E just makes us realise far more readily how unimportant some petty issues are. Wonder how else E has changed us? Well done for making the decision to quit as treasurer Smiles. Perhaps E has helped us look after ourselves better too….or is it just that we have more than enough trauma in our lives to not want any more!!

So sorry to hear about your struggles PP. I wonder if your DH is in denial about his feelings towards his own children and letting himself understand your pain might just mean feeling his own? Does he say why he doesn't want another pet? Maybe the pain of losing pets is something else he's avoiding.

I like that Mrs Brown saying Whiff and although many people say it's terrible TV, it's something Mr Hugs and I enjoy.

This house hunting business is very tiring and rather disappointing so far. Need a couple of days off then we'll see what else there is.

I agree with you Smiles and thought the same re getting a little furchild Pixie, explain you need another soul for comfort and companionship on your walks.

My second H didn't want a dog either, he worked away a lot, about 50%of the time. When he was away and it was my youngest D birthday [now estD] I went out and bought her a little Westie puppy. When H came back home he was fine with it, said a few negative things about having a dog and that was it, no problem. The little Westie, Lilly, bounded with me and was my beloved furchild for almost 16yrs!

Smiles yes well done on quitting being church treasurer, you did the right thing for you. xx

I think it's a combination of realising we need to take better care of ourselves and that we've had enough trauma Spring and on that note, I'm now thinking that I wont meet up with the CW on Tuesday.

I can't see the point TBH and it's silly to put myself through an uncomfortable and potentially upsetting meeting, so I may email her ......... will have to give this some thought.

She may well be thinking that she'll be able to get me to change my mind which isn't going to happen so seems a bit mean for her to have false hope for the next 5 days.

What do you ladies think?

Don't get down hearted hugs. We thought we'd found our new home until we got the surveyor's report which gave cause for concern. I in particular was gutted and then a few days later I found the one we bought on line .

Much better in every way than the one we were going to buy and had we gone ahead, we'd never have found the one we have!!

That is one way of doing it Yogin. Have an adorable dog/puppy in situ. I mean who could resist or you could do what I do PP just say 'we're only going to look'. The words Mr. S. dreads the most because as he always points out "we never just look though do we" he's right of course but still comes along to 'look' anyway .

I think it's a good decision to resign Smileless and as you have made up your mind I would ring/email the CW and say that you are very clear in your mind and therefore there is little point meeting as you will not change your mind! You could say that you are happy to meet for a coffee etc but that there is no point discussing your decision, because tge decision has been made! (Depends on your relationship with her though re coffee etc)

One thing did strike me though ...something needs to be done about tge reasons you are resigning otherwise the same problems will arise for tge next person taking on the role! Perhaps you could give some feedback on that, if zppropriate? Good luck and don't let it stress and upset you, that is not fair on you! ?

hugs hope the right home appears soon ?

Pixie sorry you are having a hard time ⚘

I agree Smiles in not going to the meeting and thought that when you first mentioned it. Send that email and then you can relax and put it all behind you. Good luck.

I think the same way Smiles and don’t go to the meeting. What can you achieve?

Also think that getting a pet would help my mental health no end but DH thinks that it would add to it. My previous beautiful cat had diabetes for the last 9 years of her life but I managed it just fine. He is adamant but I always looks at the pets at Battersea every week as I knit dog blankets for them and I have kept the link.

My youngest son goes away on Sunday for a weeks holiday/work so he is going to phone on saturday. I dont know what I would do without him. Also his dad, my ex lives in USA and he wants to have a chat with me. I have been honest from the beginning and told DH everything but he isn’t pleased about me having any contact with the ex. I have pointed out that the ex is actually very ill and just wants to put things to rest before he dies. I will speak to my ex as it could be the last time we ever speak. I feel like I have so many things whirling around my head at the moment that I feel so dismal.
Hope all of you looking for a new home have a lot of success but I can remember my mam saying that the right one will come along when you least expect it. I wish it had worked for men!

Thank you for being there for me and letting me vent as I haven’t any friends in this area and feel like exploding at times.

Yogin how you weren't tempted to run those horrible people over I don't know. I am sorry you had to go through that. Thank goodness for your daughter and family.

Love your description of your dog as a furchild. As a non pet owner dogs do seem to give more than cats do. Also with a dog you have to go out and take them for walks. Or as one of my neighbours does he takes there dog out to the park on his mobility scooter . Should say the man rides and the dog walks.

After my husband died one of my daughter's friends said is your mom getting a cat. I know she thought it would be company but she said it within a week of him dieing. My daughter didn't reply politely.

Having dependent parents and mother in law took all my time and looking back my energy. To be honest don't know how I did it. But I loved my parents very much but hated my mother in law but she was family. Therefore I looked after her.

Our children took the easy way out by turning their backs on us. A cowards way . All here have showed such courage and all have a big heart. Without you sharing your stories and wisdom I don't know where I would have turned to for help. And along the way made friends with wonderful women.

Well it's been a week since my son would have had my letter so he must have read it and hopefully acted on it. I didn't expect a thank you for letting me know just glad I didn't have it returned unopened with an other abusive letter.

Funny finally having a label has made all the years of not knowing worth it. But if it wasn't for my husband I couldn't have got through the early years when it got really bad. After his death had really bad times but because of him I knew I could cope. When the seizures got really bad luckily I lived here and both my son and daughter where marvelous . Funny enough it was my son who took me to see my brilliant neurologist.

Where did that loving caring man go? Was Covid a convenient excuse that now was the time to get rid of me . Covid hit in the March. Last time I saw him was end of April the 4 days later that email. As you probably can tell feeling a bit beat up . Pains having a flare my own fault at least I know why it's up usually it just happens. Yesterday moved 100L of compost, rearranged my greenhouse and put out half a bag of slate pieces along a border to stop the blackbirds flicking soil onto my lawn . But I was enjoying myself . Will be back to normal pain level in a few days.

Smiles so glad you decided to resign you don't need that stress in your life. Sending an email is better that way you can just put in what you want. If you faced that woman she could have twisted your words and tried to pressure you into staying in the roll. Much better to do things you enjoy with the church like your choir.

Pixie I hope you do get a dog and soon . I am sure your husband would love it once it was in your home. I have seen pictures you posted of your lovely blankets. Would be nice to make some for your own dog. Hope you are feeling brighter today.

Spring estrangement does change you . Because all your love and support is thrown back in your face in the most vicious way. And it's our grandchildren who pay the price. Mine because of their ages will have forgotten me by now and one never had the chance to know me . I accept that but it still hurts. I look at my daughter's 2 and see what my other grandson's would be doing as they are all close in age. My daughter's are 4 and 18 months my son's 5 , 3.5 and 22 months.

Hugs you will find your new home it takes time. Did you make a list of your wants and more importantly things not wanted. Plus a list of things you would get done and things you didn't want to do. Knowing the rough area would would like to live helps. Plus what sort of property. At least knowing the value of your home and hopefully it's on the market now. Then it's just a waiting game for viewers . I have noticed up here properties are still going on the market all the time and selling quickly. Plus there doesn't seem any slow down of people having work done on their homes. While some people are taking holidays some still seem to be waiting until their homes are finished. Good luck selling and buying.

Well time to get up and about. Hope you all have the best day you can. ?

Honestly I am my own worst enemy just spent 2.5 hours in the garden ?????.

Lovely to hear how you keep so active Whiff! I’m having a lazy day - sitting in the garden with a good book. Eurovision later ?. Anyone think the UK will get more than nul points!!
I think I could deal with E much better if things didn’t happen to trip us up. Like I imagine you’ve been wondering this week about how your son will have reacted to your news Whiff. Tbh all I want now is a peaceful life. What is is what it is….,until the next trigger! In some ways I’m missing lockdown. I know that might sound selfish considering so many found it so hard, but I enjoyed living simply and for a while shutting the outside world out. Guess that’s what your lodge gives you Smiles. Glad I’m not in the Royal Family - must be a lot of angst over H & M’s visit for the Jubilee. Awful for the family it’s played out in public.

I don't see why you need to put yourself under pressure smiles
I'd be very disappointed in the CW if they tried to persuade you when you've said it's not for you. Unless she just wants to check anything before handing it over to someone else I don't see the benefit in meeting and she can ask for that specifically if you email her.

I think speaking to your ex one last time might be healing for you both in the longterm pp but I'm sorry you have so many overwhelming things to deal with right now. x

Sorry you're having a flare up Whiff. My illness is similar in that if I'm very careful I can manage it better but that's means doing so little that I can't stand the frustration so I push myself too hard way too often and then have to pay for it. Especially atm with the house stuff.

I too think our kids took the easy or cowards way out. There seems to be so much emphasis on the rights of the individual these days, no importance placed on family and responsibility to others. 'Community' seems to revolve around street parties or special events - which are nice - but not on regular commitment and care for others so much. Though I see groups who run food banks and help others trying very hard, so all is not lost.

We've been out most of the day house hunting and saw a bungalow we really like. Sod's law - ours went on the market late last week and the Estate agent fluffed the launch - the email they sent round had a link that didn't work and when we finally found our listing on rightmove the video didn't work either. We'll be onto them tomorrow to ask them to sort things but we only have one viewing for ours booked so far. It's supposed to be a good local EA - we didn't go with a cheap online one, though it's not the dearest, so we were pretty disappointed in the bad start.

I'll be honest smiles we found a lot about lockdown simpler too.

Hugs you are best with a local estate agent. Ok yours fluffed the video. But it's in their best interest to get you sold so they can get paid.. My estate agents where lovely. Both my solicitor and estate agent have had me in tears in their offices when my sales fell through. Even though they where both brilliant you have to become a pest.

It took 2 weeks before I had my first viewing but this was in 2018. But even though it was rough selling my house I was lucky the family exceutor keep the bungalow for me. It's only recently I found out from my neighbour that they knew how much I wanted it and thought their Mom would be happy it went to a nice person.

I had no such thoughts about my house I just wanted it gone. All my memories I brought with me. Once I decided to sell I detached myself from it. Yes it was still my home but it wasn't where I wanted to be.I wasn't happy and looking back don't think I had been for a long time. You are going to go through hell but to be in your new home it is worth it.

Things happen during our life time good and down right awful but it makes us who we are. We may not think we can take much more but we do and we thrive . Doesn't always feel like it but we do.

Lot of us have weathered illness, widowhood or divorce , estrangement , death of family members but we still fight on. I have come to the conclusion it takes strength of character and courage to face whatever life throws at us. None of us have taken the easy road our children have. It's easy to throw people and relationships away. It takes hard work to care for people . I am not one of those people who can stop loving someone on a whim. My daughter in law killed the love I had for her with a sentence . I couldn't get over how anyone could be so wicked. But I still worry and care about her. Madness I know.

The present and future are what we make it. I am glad to still have both. Things in the past I wish hadn't happened or I handled differently but that's gone and dusted. It's now that's important. I have plenty of wobbles but I will not let estrangement alter who I am. I know myself very well. And by the sound of
all your posts you do to. As I have said before only 2 certainties in life we are born we die. The rest is up to us. Some people make it their lives mission to make our lives hell but we can't let them win. There are far more good people in this world than the rotten ones. Ok the rotters get all the attention but in the end do they really win?

Our estranged children may think they have won but really they have lost. I doubt very much they admit to anyone they threw us away. They most likely make it out to be our fault as they don't want to be the villain of the piece.

My son and daughter in law knew what my mother in law was like . No matter how much they make out I am this horrible harridan I am the opposite .

They have to paint all us horrible parents otherwise they couldn't look themselves in the face. I hated my in laws but could never treat them they way I have been treated. It's not my way. I don't forgive or forget. But don't hate anyone anymore .

We all have times when the loss of our children and grandchildren weight us down but the main thing is we get through it.

Smiles starting the thread all those years ago gave us somewhere to go and not feel alone. And I am very glad she did. She has given us a place to feel safe and where we can say how we feel and not be judged or found wanting. But a place of friendship, help and understanding. And advice when we need it. ❤️ Smiles and you all.