Repairing estrangement

When I gave my reasons, or a better discription would be, examples of behaviours that were hurting me, just one was directly challenged. I was able to look at that one situation and say that yes, I could have that wrong and let it go.

All the other reasons/examples I was told were "complete fantasy". There was no discussion, she wasn't able to give me her version of events or talk to me about it.

Then things were quickly turned around on me and things I did as an actual child which, I know must have been upsetting and I did apologise. but I was a primary school aged child who was also being abused by a grandparent. Her answer to that was to infer I'd made that situation up too.

It very nearly broke me.

Now just for arguments sake, if I am remembering things and situations that have clearly damaged me that aren't true, how does the way my mother reacted to that make any logical sense? Especially when I offered joint counselling and she laughed in my face?

Thank goodness I went and sought help for myself.

I can understand a parent receiving false allegations being hurt and angry but it's my situation that has taught me how differently I would deal with that and that's why my advice is as it is.

The example you gave of a theft of a ring is a good one Madgran. Being accused of the theft being given as a reason for estrangement has no foundation in fact or reality, if the person accused of the theft is innocent.

So, that person is left wondering not only why the have been estranged but why they've been falsely accused.

a minefield if variations on a theme sadly
Such a good way of summarising the difficulties that arise when discussing estrangement.
False allegations are thankfully rare but they do happen, leaving chaos, devastation and pain that become part of the innocent alleged perpetrators life.
One of the themes of gransnet estrangement threads is that minefield of variations on a theme. We have estranged parents and estranged adult children struggling to discuss their loss and pain without getting into conflict about ‘the truth’

I can understand a parent receiving false allegations being hurt and angry but it's my situation that has taught me how differently I would deal with that and that's why my advice is as it is.

That makes sense Violet And you offered joint counselling which was appropriate, so her loss! I agree your mother's response does not make sense really. Your offer seems a valid attempt to bring about resolution, on the basis of the information you have given

In the same way, when EPs offer joint counselling and it is rejected outright, as has been described in the past on other threads by some posters, there is no way of knowing whether that rejection is valid or not as every case is different and not always enough information is available .

People are just different Madgran, some think therapy or counselling is just nonsense, which is a shame but that's their choice to make

Yes everything really is an individuals choice to make. And choices can bring benefit or can bring pain/loss....or both.

The painful and awful reality is that some people simply don't want resolution. Our ES made it quite clear that mediation would never happen, before it was ever suggested.

I just wish that we could have these discussions "without getting into conflict about 'the truth' Iam. Without making some feel that they are being less than honest, that they 'must have done something', that they must know why this has happened, even though it's obvious from what they post that they just don't know.

We have the anonymity here on GN that our 'names' provide but it still takes courage to open up, to share what for many is the most traumatic and devastating part of their lives. Whether the poster is the one who estranged or has been estranged.

It's not that difficult surely, to accept the truth of what we are told and to base any responses on that alone.

I just wish that we could have these discussions "without getting into conflict about 'the truth' Iam. Without making some feel that they are being less than honest, that they 'must have done something', that they must know why this has happened, even though it's obvious from what they post that they just don't know.

Yes Smileless - they know what they have been told but that doesn't necessarily equate with knowing why it has happened within the bigger picture, as I referred to earlier.

It's not that difficult surely, to accept the truth of what we are told and to base any responses on that alone.

One would think not!

People question me all the time, I don't mind too much because it makes me think about it and thinking about it helps me because those answers matter in this sort of situation.

Which is why you will see me patiently answer that sort of question, even when it's very obvious those questions come from a person who does not have my best interests at heart.

If I was going to throw a wobbly every time someone questions my part in my estrangement then I'm not sure what the point of being here on an open discussion forum even is.

I think there is a difference between "being questioned" and "accepting the truth of what has been told". And how the questioning is done makes a significant difference too.

To me discussion forums can inform, support, provide constructive criticism, question constructively, extend thinking, enable information sharing and so much more.

I'm not sure everyone on forums considers the "best interests" of other posters but I do see that many try to.

Yes, you and I are trying to convey the same message Madgran.

Questions are one thing, suggesting that someone is being at best economical with the truth is completely different.

Cross posts Madgran. I agree that many posters do have the best interests of others in mind when they respond, but not everyone.

Even with anonymity, it’s not always easy to be completely honest, there will always be places. I think, where I just don’t want to go.

I have no interest at all in reconciliation or meditation, I don’t want to hear anything she has to say

I think therapy, and a willingness to put things right, are only possible if you still have some feelings for your parent/child. Well I don’t, I don’t love her, I don’t know that I ever did. But that didn’t stop me craving her approval.

We still love our son Sara but 9 years later we have no desire for reconciliation or mediation. Like you, we don't want to hear anything our ES has to say. Whatever that may be, it's too little too late.

What's done is done and we have to accept that, move on and make the most of what we have.

I hope you can do that too.

Smileless
I have been doing it for twenty years
My only regret, is that I didn’t do it sooner.
I am pleased you can find some peace, but it must be so hard not knowing why it happened.

Yes it is hard Sara but time helps and we're just thankful to be in a better place.

It’s easier when your conscience is clear, yes it might take time to take that step, however when you know you did all you could to resolve things, listened but was told nothing, you have to go forward. I would hate to have been the one that caused such pain.

Yes I suppose it is Allsorts I hadn't thought of it like that before, but I wouldn't want that sort of behaviour on my conscience.

I'm so pleased that you've made the decision to move forward too .

Often people come across as rude due to the way they write things down.. with no warmth...even a Smile Emoji can go a long way.Clearly this lady is suffering and would like some friendly advice .

Ps

I know that it would difficult but do you think that You could turn up at her door..perhaps be prepared to leave something on her doorstep if she does.Perhaps practice out loud what You would say to her even if it's only brief.
I really hope that you have the
courage..you never know she may shut the door however She will reflect regardless and maybe just maybe contact You

Its not a good idea to show up on someone's doorstep if they've made it clear they don't want to see you, it will likely be seen as you forcing yourself on them. It may be taken as an evidence of you not listening, not respecting boundaries etc.

Thank you Daisy for your concern. I couldn’t and wouldn’t just turn up.I did that a long time ago and was ridiculed. I have made the decision to let her be. Whatever her reason, only she knows them, it is clear she prefers things as they are, it would just upsets her if did as she has stated quite clearly she doesn’t want me. You have to respect peoples wishes, she is a grown woman with her own family and a lovely husband and life, with lots of friends, her life is how she wants it. I do still get down, I will never stop missing what we were to each other, but you can’t keep a bird in a cage and be happy. I tell myself each time I get low, she’s happy, that’s what matters. I am lucky with my friends and my other child, have to remember what I have not what I want.
I think it has made me more aware of others, their feelings so something has come out if it. ?

As hard as it must be Allsorts your comment was, I'm not sure I have the right words and I don't want you to think I am patronising you again. I just really wanted to acknowledge your comment and say I think it was wise and brave

Allsorts. It will be a comfort to know that she is happy with the life she has chosen, despite the pain of knowing that you're not a part of it.

We can only hope that our ES and GC are happy.

Lovely comment, Allsorts, and really brave and compassionate to take this approach to your daughter’s life after the hurt you have felt. I hope that it brings you peace and healing. I believe that this compassionate, loving, approach is best for all of you—you and your daughter—because in the event of a reconciliation you will not have unkind thoughts to renounce or hide. You will be able, I hope, to meet your child and grandchildren in a sunny, loving, optimistic way if the chance arises.