Repairing estrangement

Lolo18, I have read your posts, after scrolling back, as I had missed a lot due to illness. Something, just one line leapt out at me, the line you said, yes I estranged my mom because she gave my son liquorice. Now I don’t know why that was banned, perhaps he is diabetic or has some conditions that threatens his health. If that were the case I would not have left him alone with her if she just ignores me, but estrange no. If it was just you preferred him just not to have sweet things, I would. say if you continue to do this mom I can’t leave him with you. My late mil, was a nightmare, mine didn’t have a dummy but she got one and dipped it in sugar, she laughed off my wishes until we cleared the air. My children loved her I couldn’t and wouldn’t let that be a reason for not seeing the grandmother they loved. All the time people make allowances as we do for them, believe me no one is perfect, as their children will let them know 30 years down the line. There is so much judgement now and entitlement I wonder where the children's feelings are in all this, it’s like total control as only they know how things should be, no respect for parents who love them, so sad. No doubt you will say she did other terrible things that she shouldn’t. Remember watching a programme of the panel of Loose Women when all of them said, granny’s house, granny’s rules, thinking how I wouldn’t have done the things they did, but their children did and it was joked about. It’s curious how some people need this control. I just thought the more people that love them the better.

Same with me. My parents spoilt my two children rotten, but I wouldn't have dreamt of issuing rules, ultimatums or estranging them. My children loved them to bits, and vice versa.

When they looked after them, whether for the day, the weekend, or took them on holiday, I trusted them totally, and that was all it needed to be. ?

Same with us DiamondLily. It always took us a day or two to bring our boys 'into line* if they'd stayed with their paternal GP's, because they'd been spoilt but that's what GP's do isn't it.

Yes, and me. But, I spoilt mine (still do even though the youngest is 18 lol ?), and my DD and SIL are happy with it.

Grandparents can also act as a buffer - I've lost count of the times, as young teenagers, they used to rock up here, after getting into a mega row with their parents, (as only teenagers can), and stay here for a day or two. I used to talk them, giving them a verbal rocket, if necessary, and then they used to go home and be reasonable lol
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“You can only be accountable and apologise if you know what for.“

What if, after things finally led to a months-long estrangement, and then you agree to sit down and talk things out … what if you explain to your parent why you’re upset and hurt, and they flat out deny what you said and don’t acknowledge their contribution?

I explained clearly the things that affected me and gave examples, and how the same things that happened in my childhood still happen now, but I’m no longer a child. I’m an adult as well, with my own children. And I was told “I don’t remember that,” “That doesn’t sound like me at all,” etc. I explained that the very thing they got upset with me about, they did the exact same thing to me, but I was expected to understand and do better. When I said and yes, I’ve apologized to you, but I never got an apology in return, my father actually said “Apologize? Since when does the parent apologize to their child?”

You can explain your side and your hurt, your trauma, your anger and sadness … but if the parent isn’t willing to actively listen with an open mind, it’s not going to go very far.

I agree with everything you have posted Complicated, especially your final paragraph, and I'm sorry that despite trying to explain how you felt to your parents, they didn't listen and take on board what they were told .

As an EP, your final paragraph resonated because that can also be the case for EP's. Sometimes AC are not prepared to "actively listen with an open mind" to what their parents have to say.

If only there could be open and honest communication, I'm sure many estrangements could be avoided.

You quoted "You can only be accountable and apologise if you know what for" and that's true. Without going back through the thread, I don't know who posted that but as the OP is an EP, I would think it was said by an EP.

Some of us simply don't know why we've been estranged. Our EAC refused to talk to us, to tell us what's wrong. In our case what we know was said, had no basis in reality, it isn't true.

Parents who love their children do apologise if they are in the wrong. It's what we did with both of our sons and continue to do with our DS.

Saying you don't remember and/or 'that doesn't sound like me' as you say, is never going to enable the relationship to move forward.

Complicated, I'm sorry you were not listened to, you tried and they can't see the problem , they coukd have seen your hurt. As HM said people's recollections vary. Some people have to ve right, your fathers comments dismissive and hurtful. You have done your best. It looks as if in order to have contact with your parents you will never be close. You were the bigger person trying to discuss your concerns. Look after yourself and move forward.
How I wish my daughter had cared enough to try. I doubt we will see each other again, it doesn't stop me loving and caring for her. I will always be her mom, however much she prefers I wasn't.

I’ve being estranged from my mother for over 20yrs if she sent me a letter would I read probably not. No doubt she also said she doesn’t know what she as done. But she does. She just won’t admit it. Every action has a reason you just need to remember yours.

When an EP posts on GN that they don't know why they've been estranged it's because they don't Nannashirlz. Your mum will know what she's done because presumably you've told her. Not all EP's are told.

Smileless2012

When an EP posts on GN that they don't know why they've been estranged it's because they don't Nannashirlz. Your mum will know what she's done because presumably you've told her. Not all EP's are told.

Absolutely Smileless Some estranged AC's have, no doubt, had disagreements, discussions or rows where faults were pointed out or grievances voiced and estrangement seems the only solution. Those situations are much more clear cut and understandable for both parties. At least those parents have had some warning and maybe a chance to acknowledge and maybe repair the situation. But there are many, many EP's for whom it came like a bolt out of the blue and without warning as it did for me. I can't acknowledge what I did wrong if I don't know what it is and I can't repair what is broken if I don't know where the pieces are.

This post I started has been resurrected, but my attitude is different.,I read the comments of the people estranging and those combined with other factors put things into perspective. When you have a child that love is unconditional, we go through hoops almost, taking responsibility for things that are not. Best to let them be.