Pregnant and abusive daughter

Wouldn't you contact daughters partner first anyway?

It would depend on what the partner was like! Which of course links to what the relationships in the family are like

Wouldn't you contact daughters partner first anyway?

I'm not saying it was intended but this could easily be interpreted as contacting the "other adults" about "the children" and wouldn't go down well with a lot of people as it's quite infantising

But they weren’t asking for information that the couple didn't want to share - they rang the FIL because they were worried about their daughter having not been able to contact her for 4 days, and just asking if she was OK. It’s natural to be worried and there was no need for the FIL to say anything - especially as he had been asked not to.

As they were not answering messages, I’d assume any information was information they didn’t want to share.

FILs loyalty is to his son. Not his sons in-laws.

I think the important thing for the OP is whether the daughter of the OP minded her mother calling the FIL. If she did and the OP knew this, I would suggest trying to better respect her boundaries. If the daughter cared and the OP didn’t suspect she would, I would take it as a lesson learned and avoid acting as such in the future. If the daughter didn’t care about the deception, then this advice is irrelevant. All of things are an one potential answer to the original question, what do I do. How you, I, or any other poster choose to act with respect to lies by omission doesn’t really matter for the OP.

I had a very good friend at work, who changed completely when she got pregnant. She became short tempered and prone to abusive outbursts - not just to myself, but others in the workplace. Things came to a head when out of the blue she accused me of being jealous of her pregnancy - I was unable to have children, but had accepted it long before this arose and the notion had never even entered my head, never mind come up in any conversation. I, and several others began to give her a wide berth. After she returned from maternity leave, she apologised to me and quite a few other people who had been on the receiving end of hormonal rants during her pregnancy, saying that she suffered from raging hormones for the whole pregnancy and didn’t feel in control.

Perhaps the trauma of receiving news about the possible heart problem and the other health issues your daughter has had, together with the pregnancy hormones, go some way to explaining her behaviour. Perhaps let things settle for a while and then approach her to sort things out with regard to contacting FIL and explain it was only out of concern for her. There are clearly issues from the past, which you may be better discussing at a later date, when things aren’t so fraught.

I can understand that.
Children are supposed to be naive, and expect their parents to look after them.

Grandpanow

If my son’s in laws called me to ask for information my son and daughter in law had chosen not to share with them, I would be concerned the in laws were not respecting the couple’s boundaries. I would find a request that I not share the mil had called me as an obvious indicator she knew she was in the wrong doing so. I think if you have to ask for a secret to be kept, then you have an inkling you are doing something upsetting to your daughter. I would suggest reflecting on how and why you knew it would upset her, and try to do better at respecting her boundaries in the future. I’m sure this is a tough time for all of you, and I hope you can take some time to engage in self care.

But they weren’t asking for information that the couple didn't want to share - they rang the FIL because they were worried about their daughter having not been able to contact her for 4 days, and just asking if she was OK. It’s natural to be worried and there was no need for the FIL to say anything - especially as he had been asked not to.

MissAdventure

Did you never walk on eggshells around your mum, violet?
I would be surprised if not.
Never quite sure of things were going to be twisted, or celebrated, or ignored?

I've always been, sad to say, quite a naive person.

So no, not really, there was a voice that tried to warn me but she was my mum and I loved her. I always thought it would be OK. When bad things happened or good things. I wanted to share with her, she was my mum.

I'd just come home thinking the reason I didn't get the support or love I needed was my fault. So there was always an aftermath for me but it was mostly physical, I'd get severe IBS after seeing her as one example.

Towards the end I started to realise it was her not me and I started to react to her behaviour and get angry rather than hurt. There is only so much anyone can take. That was the beginning of the end.

It's hard to explain.

No, not the best timing, I agree.
Still, the only way around it, when the time is right, is to thrash it out and get to the root of the problems, which sound as I'd they are about more than the current situation.

VioletSky Also why walk on eggshells rather than find a time to sit down together and have a conversationabout what is wrong in the relationship?

Only possible if all parties are willing to do that

There's nothing to suggest the f.i.l. wanted the OP to stop 'phoning him so not really helpful to make assumptions. I wouldn't have been annoyed with my mum if she'd done that in those circumstances, but I wouldn't have ignored her.

That doesn't sit well with me MissA, and I posted earlier on this thread, it does seem disingenuous to accept so much financial and practical help, while being prepared to deliver such a harsh ultimatum.

We do know from the OP that false allegations have been made and I've never understood why anyone thinks someone should apologise for something they haven't done. What does "everything" even mean?

The OP has said "I know how she feel about some of the family, so was very worried about her mental state" which suggests she wasn't convinced that this break away would be free from stress.

I second that MissA and wouldn't walk on eggshells to avoid being cut off, and I say that as an estranged parent. Even worse when the threat has already been made.

"everything to do with 2 adults having a respectful, adult relationship" exactly.

"Walking on eggshells" can develop in many different relationships - close relationships; abusive relationships; "mixed bag" relationships. Often it can be linked to the feared consequences of trying to address things eg "not seeing grandchildren"; "being estranged" or whatever. It may be caused by a third party who becomes a part of an established relationship. It may be caused by one personality. It may be caused by several personalities. It may be caused by "troublemakers" outside of the immediate relationship. It may be caused by circumstances.

How people end up finding themselves treading on eggshells will be different in each case and unless someone has found themselves slipping into that situation it is probably very hard, looking from the outside, to understand how easily it can happen. Once someone is in that eggshell situation then only they can actually find a way out of it that will work for them in their particular situation .... and a big part of that may be overcoming the fear/accepting the possible consequences of stopping the egg shell treading!

Ah, I agree MissA but obviously not the time for OPs daughter

Did you never walk on eggshells around your mum, violet?
I would be surprised if not.
Never quite sure of things were going to be twisted, or celebrated, or ignored?

That's the point I'm making.
Better to have a discussion, an argument if necessary, and say what needs to be said.

I've never understood the walking on eggshells thing?

Close family relationships, you can't really "walk on eggshells" without the other knowing you aren't being yourself.

Also why walk on eggshells rather than find a time to sit down together and have a conversationabout what is wrong in the relationship?

I know my mum once said "I'm always walking on egg shells around you" but that seemed a bit more her holding back from saying the mean things she wanted to say during the times she could tell she had pushed me too far and I was about to walk away.

The op can apologise or not, depending on how she chooses, and knowing the backstory, which we don't.
My point, which stands, is that I would and could not spend my time walking on eggshells in order not to be cut off.
Absolutely nothing to do with "good manners", everything to do with 2 adults having a respectful, adult relationship.

But if I knew my daughter was with her partner and her partners family so not alone and not unsupported and hopefully enjoying a break from the stress, I'd have not tried to contact in the first place

I see what you are saying. For me it would depend on the relationship that I had with my AC. As an AC I do know that I would definitely, in these circumstances, have been in touch with my mum to tell her I was ok, even before she asked. But then that is because of my relationship with my mum.

I know as a mum I would be worried if child was ignoring me..

But if I knew my daughter was with her partner and her partners family so not alone and not unsupported and hopefully enjoying a break from the stress, I'd have not tried to contact in the first place

Understanding Someone trying to survive through a stressful situation not picking up the phone isn’t excusing a grown adult of thoughtless behaviour

Possibly a bit of "understanding" from all parties would help really. Making a few allowances might as well.

I think we would need to know what "everything" is to judge MissA

If we advised not to apologise without it and OP was cut off that would be awful for all of them

Threatening to cut her mum out of her life unless she apologises "for eveeything" (which presumably wasnt an issue whilst accepting her money and babysitting) is, to my mind, not on.
So, we will have to agree fo disagree on that.

Understanding Someone trying to survive through a stressful situation not picking up the phone isn’t excusing a grown adult of thoughtless behaviour.

Getting upset and calling around for information on their well-being certainly is though.

Quercus I tend to agree re labelling "abusive" but I think it is evidence of just how stressed and upset the OP is ...or it suggests there are very much bigger problems beyond this immediate one. Without more information we will never know

FIL might have wanted OP to stop calling him to check up on her daughter.

Support in grief is described as circles or “ring theory” the people closest to the grief get support but don’t give unless they want to. Support flows in, not out. Part of that also means people taking the time to sort themselves out. OPs daughter might not have been capable of texting or talking. Very few mothers would be satisfied with an “I’m ok” text. Perhaps DD felt she was incapable of any communication?

As to why FIL told them? I’d not keep secrets from my children. Especially if I felt someone was trying to get information they didn’t want to share. They deserve to know that.

I know when I had my miscarriages I was unable to talk to my parents. I was in so much pain and barely holding it together. Even kind supportive words from them were too much. Some people do retreat to find their strong place before being capable of talking. Had they gone to my in-laws when I didn’t respond to them, I’d have been very angry and put out.