Pregnant and abusive daughter

So true. Let’s hope it all got sorted as the daughter is really going through something terrifying and it would be good if she could relax and feel secure with her mother.

I hope that that's the reason too Herefornow and if they have managed to sort this out, it will have needed both the OP and her D to take some responsibility and make apologies.

To be fair, we don't know if "apologise for everything" is OPs wording or her daughter's. I think that's important as it changes the tone completely whether the daughter actually said that or not. OP has never responded, i personally hope this is because she's managed to reconcile. I honestly don't see this happening without an apology for being interfering ie calling the in laws.

No I don't think so Allsorts.

Has Longtootged grand ever responded?

I agree with the OP. I agree that it was wrong of her D to ignore her messages over 4 days when all was needed was a simple response.

I agree that it was wrong of her D and her s.i.l. to make her feel cornered, to bring up something they said happened 22 years ago but didn't happen.

I agree with the OP that there was no need for the f.i.l. to make his son and d.i.l. aware of the fact that a 'phone call had been made by her parents, just wanting to make sure everything was OK.

IMO the D telling her mother to "apologise for everything" or 'that will be that' is abusive.

You obviously won't agree with me Oldladynewlife which is fine but that doesn't make my posts on this thread of any less value or worthy of consideration by the OP, than yours.

Yes, it's allowed.

Sorry for the inappropriate use of moaning!

I have indeed read the entire thread before posting myself. And while many people have offered wonderfully supportive advice to the original poster many joined with her rhetorically and emotionally in characterizing the daughter as abusive, money and help grubbing (for having accepted money and babysitting), childish, etc…. That is the OP’s framing—that the entire event is due to her daughter’s bad behavior. And lots of you agreed with her.

Ideally both mother and daughter need to sit down together, and talk honestly about what exactly this 22 year old issue is.

If the daughter is still dwelling on whatever it is, it sounds fairly serious, and it's pretty strange it hasn't reared its head before now.

The conversation would probably be best if just mother and daughter were there, without involvement from other relatives and in-laws.

Whether that happens will depend on the willingness, honesty, and maturity of both of them.

Exactly MissA it's a discussion and when there's a discussion different points of view are expressed.

If you've read the entire thread Oldladynewlife you'll see that suggestions have been given to the OP to try and improve the current situation with her D and s.i.l.

Nobody's moaning.
It's a discussion.

They are meaningless counterfactuals because they did not, in fact, happen and all the hashing and rehashing them can not change them. The daughter already did not contact her mother and the father in law already did not choose to make an alliance with the OP.

OP and other commenters can moan about it all they want but not all the tears or blame can alter the fact that the fracture, the phone call, and the spat have already happened. If OP wants a different outcome she is going to have to start focusing on her future actions and try to imagine how she can create a situation in which her daughter wants to speak with her, wants to have a closer relationship with her.

The one who wants the relationship has the burden of working to get it. OP wants it and so far her daughter, by report, doesn’t. What is your plan to help OP figure out how to get her daughter onside?

No they are not "meaningless counterfactuals" they are important issues.

I don’t see how the “drama” can resolve given that the Poster is encouraged to believe that the entire kerfuffle is the fault of two people—her daughter and the daughter’s father in law, who she can not control and does not seem to understand (since she reports she did not predict or understand their behavior.) If one chooses a course of action one needs to be able to handle the reaction. OP chose to 1) expect more contact from her daughter than the daughter was offering and then 2) to go behind her daughter and son in law’s back to try to gain information about them from the father in law. And then 3) she expected her son in law’s father to keep a secret from his child as though they were in some league of adults against the silly children. Original Poster’s expectations and ability to control or manipulate people to get her wants met we’re out of whack with the other people involved. It’s sad that so many commenters are uncomfortable telling her the truth which is that the only person who she can influence is herself. “if only the daughter had texted” “If only the father in law had kept silent” are meaningless counterfactuals.

If she wants a better, more intimate, relationship with her daughter she will have to consult the expert (her daughter) and figure out how to mend that relationship to her daughter’s satisfaction. She may not be able to do so. She might not be interested in doing so. But for sure if she keeps focusing on what everyone else should or could have done she won’t be able to repair the relationship.

I think sometimes people find boundaries hard to understand, they see them as walls placed between them and others that are confining.

They aren't, in healthy relationships boundaries are unspoken and invisible and we naturally surround each other in a bubble wrap of respect.

Some relationships go a bit wrong and some of those bubbles are popped and then we have to ask the other person to be put those bubbles back in place because if they aren't, we cannot feel respected.

If too many bubbles are popped then the person who has too many sharp edges gets pushed away so they can't get closer than they should be. So that they aren't having too much control over us, our decisions, our feelings and our right to live life on our own terms.

That's how I see it anyway

"Ideally, the support is a two way street with our AC's - we all need support at times". Indeed DiamondLily and it's a much happier and healthier relationship between parents and their AC when it is reciprocal.

I agree with what you say about "this whole drama seems so unnecessary". Such a pity, and I share your hope that this will be resolved for all concerned.

DiamondLily I agree, most parents wouldn't want that, that's why it strikes me as concerning from OP.

Yes, support does ideally work it ways

I know others have said it very often but I really don't think this is about the call, and even if it is whether we agree or not about the call is irrelevant because if daughter does not want that to happen, that's her right and it should be respected.

If even small boundaries are not respected, the relationship cannot move forward and will stay in the past.

Most loving parents don't want to be best friends or soulmates to their ACs. They just want to be supportive, loving parents.

Ideally, the support is a two way street with our ACs - we all need support at times.

This whole drama seems so unnecessary - all it would have taken to avoid it was a simple text, and for the FIL not to have stirred the aggravation pot.

Hopefully the OP and daughter can sort this out after all the stress levels have dropped.

Herefornow I agree

OP has made mistakes here which are understandable when she was worried too but then her daughter tried to set some boundaries and it went badly.

Our children are not our friends or soulmates, they need us to be strong for them. When things go wrong for them, we need to allow them their own ways of coping and not what we need.

We have our partners and friends to lean on.

I think if OP can understad that daughter needs boundaries and respect them, then this will be ok and the future won't have the past dragged up again

Good posts Pammiel

* Anyone saying she should have just answered her mother is saying she should have just accepted she doesn't get to decide how to manage her own grief.*

That’s a bit extreme considering the OP was only calling to make sure everything was OK - there was no suggestion of forcing anyone to do anything.

Summerlove

Knowing that what the OP did in calling FIL caused the additional strain, how can so many still advocate that it was fine, as that’s what they’d do?

That really the fault is still with the daughter as she should have anticipated the mother would do that? That if she’d just given into the demands on her to respond to the text all would be fine?

This veers towards victim blaming, and something that would be totally unacceptable if it were a former partner doing it.

Mother or family or not, Daughter and husband have the right not to respond to messages.

Continuing down “she could have stopped it” does not help repair OPs relationship with her daughter. No matter how justified some posters think she was.

But it wasn’t the OP who caused the additional strain by calling the fil, it was the fil immediately running and telling his son she’d called that actually did the damage - as evidenced by the ensuing row which could have been avoided if he’d simply thought about the bigger picture instead of escalating things. And I don’t think anyone is saying the daughter should have anticipated her mum would call - I think it’s more that if she’d rung her mum to say she wanted to be left alone for a few days to process things, the situation wouldn’t have arisen. Given the circumstances, the daughter had to have known that her parents would be worried when she went NC for four days. It’s interesting that few people have picked up on something which must have hurt the OP very much - the fact that her daughter retreated to her in laws, leaving her own parents worried to death and completely in the dark. All of this need to be thrashed out in order to help repair the OP’s relationship with her daughter. It’s fairly obvious that her daughter and son in law have taken the support her parents have offered for granted, while harbouring a grudge that came to the surface in seconds with little provocation, and has caused a rift.

Well, op says daughter was told to cut out stressors and she was one of the things daughter then distanced herself from. Op aknowledges that she knows her daughter finds her stressful and that her daughter has been withdrawn from her for some time. Yes, you will bring up the babysitting and the money. We don't know that it was babysitting for the need of babysitting or babysitting to support ops relationship with grands. Either way, accepting support from someone doesn't give them rights over your privacy. Same goes for any money. You can't buy people. If you give something it should be because you want to give it, not because you expect rights over the person in return.

Now, op makes it clear she doesn't think going to in laws is a good thing for daughter to be doing right now. Daughter clearly decides to go anyway.

(incidentally, this is actually one of the things that makes me err on the side of sympathy for daughter. She gets this awful news about her unborn child, does she take to her bed? Would have been perfectly justified imo. But no, she doesn't, she probably knows how important the visit is to her in laws, how much they will want to see son and grandkids, puts a brave face on it and goes ahead with the trip. These aren't the actions of someone who is petty or complacent in her relationships in general.)

So we have a situation whereby mother and daughter disagree on what is best for daughters mental health. Perhaps op wants daughter to stay where she can look after her? That's nice and all, but what if that's not what daughter feels she needs? Who gets to decide how the daughter deals with her grief? Her mother, apparently, as even if the daughter tries to get away, put her mind to something else, distract herself, the mother will track her down.

Anyone saying she should have just answered her mother is saying she should have just accepted she doesn't get to decide how to manage her own grief.

No, not at all triggering Grandpanow and as I've already said, advice often comes from what someone would or wouldn't do in a particular situation.

That said, no one advised the OP to contact her D's f.i.l., that had already been done. IMO there has been far more judging of the OP on this thread because the f.i.l. was contacted.

This is about parents concerned about their D. They weren't estranged, they hadn't been told not to contact her and it's totally different to an ex partner situation. By the very nature of being an ex partner, there is no longer a relationship. There is a relationship between the OP and her H with their D. It may be strained but it is still there.

As you say MissA, we haven't been talking about people encountered at work.

I agree Hithere that "any adult relationship can turn into a stalker/harassing one" but have seen no evidence whatsoever to suggest that this has been an example of either.

Any adult relationship can turn into a stalker/harassing one - dna links are not an exception