Presents without Prescence

Personally, I would simply have said thank you without saying anything about meeting them. I would refer to one of two of the items, saying something nice about them which shows that you have appreciated their gift.

I did say thanks and just said it's always nice to see them, so let the door open without any pressure.

If they want to respond, they will. Complicated, it shouldn't be but he has long periods of not communicating and at those times I fall back, rather than putting pressure on.

When it comes to gifts at any time of the year, you do you... what suits your pocket and your way of marking the particular occasion. It really doesnt matter what other people do.. we shouldnt turn it into a contest because that just causes anxiety and ultimately bad feelings.
If they dont respond, thats on them. You have been gracious and said thank you. Sail on.....

Periods on not communicating are designed to put you on the back foot Onward; mind games of the worse kind IMO.

You're response is the right one.

I think the advice on here is exactly what I would do. I always think while someone is buying you a gift they are thinking of you. You’ve sent the message saying thanks and you’d love to see them. Enjoy the gift and wait for them to get in touch but the loveliest gift is time which I totally agree with.

Yes, Fleur. It seems strange to ignore Mother's Day 6 days ago and send an Easter gift now- but it would have been too late even if he did regret it- and he would never be able to admit he was wrong to ignore Mother's Day. I still take a dim view of it. His gift changed nothing.

Smileless He still has not spoken to me and I feel like he IS playing head games. Surely he knows all we want to do is see them, but I won't beg. I'm sure karma will catch up with him somewhere along the line as cruel people usually do come unstuck. I feel there is no point sending a gift to someone who you can't even communicate with unless it's to cause shame, reciprocation or even perhaps guilt?! I don't feel guilty for spending Mother's Day with mine and my husband's Mothers. The guilt is not mine.

I'm not a fan of head games. I bought them generic Easter eggs so they won't be that impressed compared with what they sent. About a month ago I invited them for an Easter meal and he did not reply. I know he does not want to spend time with us, or he would. The gift feels pointless without the family.

ShazzaKanazza

I think the advice on here is exactly what I would do. I always think while someone is buying you a gift they are thinking of you. You’ve sent the message saying thanks and you’d love to see them. Enjoy the gift and wait for them to get in touch but the loveliest gift is time which I totally agree with.

Yes... and it may be that the intention was good...but if so, why cut off communication? He cut me off about a month ago when I asked them round for an Easter meal over Easter, well in advance, having not seen them since NYE.

I feel like the gift may be because they do not want to see us, which feels sad.

I do really feel for you so much OnwardandUpward. ? you must be so confused.

I don't think I would send a gift to someone and then not talk to them. It's very strange. But then he wasn't talking to me/us before.

I'm feeling a bit old and tired of losing my kids and GC all the time, for no explained reason.

He still has not spoken to me and I feel like he IS playing head games. Surely he knows all we want to do is see them, but I won't beg. I'm sure karma will catch up with him somewhere along the line as cruel people usually do come unstuck. I feel there is no point sending a gift to someone who you can't even communicate with unless it's to cause shame, reciprocation or even perhaps guilt

This sounds as though you don't even like him, wishing Karma will catch up and calling him cruel.

I would not like someone to visit with me unless they really wanted to, I would not like it done out of duty or guilt.

Sometimes we just have to accept that people do not want to be with us for whatever reason.

Elizabeth27 you must think what you want. I do know how I have been treated and head games are cruel. I don't wish anything bad on him, but life is like that sometimes. How he treats me is the example he sets to his own kids and I know how that made me feel as a kid when my parents mistreated their parents.

I would not like someone to give me gifts if they were not sincere about having a relationship, either.

I am sorry that your relationship with son and dil has become difficult. My son didn’t get me a card or present for Mother’s Day. He had covid but despite using the internet for all of his shopping he was unable to get me anything. He lives with us at the moment and even forgot to wish me a happy mother’s day! I’m annoyed but have moved on. You should too or it will become harder to forgive other things that irk you. For example, why do you expect your dil to text you? I loved my mil but rarely rang her. She didn’t phone me either. It’s not that we didn’t care about each other but I knew she would much rather talk to her son or grandson and I would much rather talk to my own mum. Don’t let it upset you, it’s just the way it is.

Sorry your son had covid Nandad, that's a shame.

I am less upset about Mother's Day than about the whole year so far. I really thought by going round there at Christmas that we were building bridges. I was wrong. I don't blame him for that, but it must have been my false hope.

I thought that it might have been good to try and tackle what went wrong but advice from a friend said "don't rock the boat, enjoy what you have". We did and now we don't. If no kids in the middle it would be easier, but they are growing up without us and that's sad.

I used to get texts from DiL but then my son didn't like it. On special occasions I texted her, but she didn't read them, so I stopped. It's fine. I know she talks to her Mum every day and that's good- the problem is with my son cutting me out. She will do whatever is good for him. I don't know what the problem IS so how it can be sorted out is a mystery.

My son never sent me a Mothers Day card, doesn’t bother with commercialised stuff, was due to see me yesterday, cancelled and maybe I will see him today but it makes no difference, we both love each other. Sometimes weeks go by without contact. My daughter sent cards, flowers etc. and phones every few days. I love them equally.
The problem lies deeper than cards and gifts. You say it is a mystery to you, but can there be something in the past that has brought about this train of events?
Love cannot be forced.
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That's great for you Hollysteers that you have both but also the security, even though your visit was cancelled.

I said on Mother's Day on another thread that I was not interested in gifts and would value quality time, and I think I have said it here. We used to have a lot of quality time and it's not clear what has changed. I always thought we had a strong bond and even when he lived far away he spoke to me every day. I know love cannot be forced and I don't want to force anything. I thought he did love me, but I'm getting mixed signals.

If we don't return a very expensive gift of similar or greater significance, I fear that they will be offended and become even more distant. Yet, we have not budgeted for this and with bills on the rise, it seems crazy to spend so much on a gift. I also think that a gift will not fix anything and if he already isnt talking to me and clearly does not want to spend time with us, then there seems little point sending anything.

I don't know what to do, so maybe I should do nothing. He isn't giving me much to work with apart from the silent treatment.

O and U, I have been where you are now, it’s awfully hard. Whatever you do just be yourself, thank him for the gift, only good manners, by text to both of them if that’s the communication they choose. If they don’t want you in their lives and won’t talk about it there is nothing you can do. After many years walking on egg shells, waiting for a visit that didn’t happen, not seeing my grandchild, we are not in touch anymore, because it took its toll, now I know where I stand.. She left me alone in a pandemic, I had Covid, there’s nothing more you can say really. No one would treat a neighbour like that, no excuses. You have each other, value the people in your life. Be the generous person you are. No more of his mind games, he doesn’t control you. . What an example to set grandchildren.

I did thank him. I haven't thanked her because he doesn't like us to communicate.

So sorry that you've "been here" Allsorts. So sorry that you had that awful treatment from your child.

The present was extremely generous. In fact, when I read where it was coming from I decided it must be a scam. It would be hard to be more generous than that and I won't try.

I feel like he doesn't want to let me go completely, but is keeping me dangling at arms length for some reason. Perhaps he's overwhelmed? He has been unusually chatty about things that aren't to do with the GC.... it's strange. A complete lack of intimacy, but chit chat and over interest in other peoples lives who he previously had no interest in....

It's not that he's not talking, it's just what he's not saying.

Do people in you family usually send Easter presents? It seems an odd thing to do. I myself may have sent an Easter card as I felt I had been neglecting the recipient , and if I have not actually done so I have certainly considered doing so. I think your guess is correct.

Do try not to let it bother you! I doubt if the expensive present will allay your son's conscience. There is a lot of good advice here as to your next move. You must protect yourself by not escalating your disappointment into telling him off in any way. You must continue to be friendly.

It does look as if he doesn't want estrangement Onward and I know what you mean when you it's what he's not saying that's worrying you.

Feeling kept at arms length is stressful. I hope that things improve.

Caleo No never!

It's not been done before, by anyone. I have a sneaky feeling it's to undermine Mother's Day (which was ignored) because it arrived 6 days after.

I think DiL might be behind it. DS told me before we last saw them that she had "said some things" and might not be seeing us after all. Then at the last minute, plans were on....I never did find out what she said and didn't try to find out. On Mother's Day, he told me she was "indifferent" to me. I'm not sure why. I think she might be behind the head games. I didn't want to join in with the DiL bashing and have always given her the benefit of the doubt- but even I can't keep it up.

Yes. a lot of good advice. Thanks everyone. I am keeping my side right, but not going to make loads of effort either. Will play it cool.

What I mean is, my son messaged me on Mother's Day about how Mother's Day should be about "the kids". I think he was annoyed that I was with my Mother and not him?? But I can't even begin to fathom that because I'd already asked him to make plans and he wouldn't. He then went on to make me feel very disrespected by telling me that daughter in law says .......... and in (her country) they do ....... , to which I said that I'm British and we do things differently here. Then I stopped engaging, gave up all hope- and bingo- six days later an extravagant gift

I wonder if by indifferent she just meant she was neutral and didn't want to take a side? It doesn't sound like this is much fun for her either.

There isn't a side. It wasn't a disagreement, but he seemed irked that I was at my Mums and tried to say that it is done differently in her country. Then when I said I was with my Mum because that's the done thing, he said she was indifferent. It's a cultural difference, I expect.
I am inclined to say "when in Rome..." but that would be stupid.

OnwardandUpward, is this "For Easter" perhaps meant to draw your attention to rebirth of hope and new beginnings? Does your son like symbolism?

No idea Caleo but where there's life, there's hope!