There seems to be simmering resentment on both sides. Have you tried working with a therapist yourself to work on these issues and gain some clarity?
I did and it made a huge difference with my relationship with my son and dil. There is cheaper subsidised therapists out there too if you look around.
There is a big change and transition when our children get married and have their own children. The power dynamic shift, and the way you raised them, then becomes reevaluated by our children when they have their own children. It’s also hard for us as parents when our children are longer under our control, they get married and new ways of living come into the mix and they decide to do things differently and value different things from when we had raised them .
It can all feel like a personal affront, you mentioned that time not gifts was valued in the way you raised them, but perhaps for the moment, if you are not communicating well, that’s all he feels he is able to offer in the relationship.
My therapist pointed out to me, my recollections of my sons childhood would be different to his recollections.
My advice would be to talk to someone professional outside the family to gain perspective. Because right now, if you are upset and resentful, he will know that even if it’s not implicitly said, and it won’t make in person visits enjoyable for either party, which won’t be helping to stop him keeping you at arms length.