Estranged hut sending cards

I have just added my own post about sending cards to my son 16 years after estrangement. I send a birthday and Christmas card with a very brief note.
I don’t know what I should do, so I can’t tell you either. How does it sprees when you do? How would it feel if you didn’t?
I feel like my son has dies in some ways and this reminds me he is alive. When someone asks how many children I have, I struggle to answer it but I include him in my response. I take the view that mums mark their children’s birthdays and Christmas, so I do.
He might not want to know me but I’m his mum still, which I also know gives me no rights. He hasn’t asked me to stop so I just continue.

Sleeping 16 years is a long time. After my son sent me an awful email and he ended by saying I don't like you mom but I love give me some time this was May 2020. It was his birthday and second son's the same day in August plus I knew they where expecting their third son in July. So sent cards ,presents and letter. The day after their birthday I received everything back all unopened and the babies presents looked like someone had crushed them plus a vile letter stating zero contact. So I haven't sent them birthday or Christmas cards or presents since.
Until recently when I had to send him a letter about a health matter. But sent him a text telling him it was coming and to not to sent it back unopened and to read it. Then I had a week from hell expecting everyday for it to come. Thankfully he must have seen sense and read it.

I will never need to contact him again and never expect to see him or my 3 grandson's ever again.

I had to decide that I would not let him hurt me anymore than he has. It's a decision all estranged parents have to make. How much they are willing to let their children hurt them. I did nothing to deserve to be treated like this. He hasn't just cut me out of his life but all our side of the family. It is my grandson's who are the innocent victims and because of their ages the 2 I know and saw every week will have forgotten me by now. I don't even know the name or exact date of birth of the youngest.

I will not let him hurt me again. But I miss him and my grandson's but it was his choice to cut me out of their lives not mine.

Sleeping ? I know your pain I’m afraid. If you stopped would it make you feel worse? If you feel better for doing it continue, put yourself first.

What is the true payoff of sending communication that is clearly not welcome on the other end?

If you do it expecting nothing in return and assuming the consequences of your actions (getting your AC more mad, for example), go ahead.

Raising your hopes up, waiting for a reply, a visit from the gc in the future.. is honestly continuing your torture of estrangement and boycotting your own happiness

But what if the communication does pay off? How can we ever hope to reconnect with our estranged ones if we don't communicate?
Its always 50/50 hope.

Bridie

That is exactly the danger I mention - EP are in denial of the situation and trying something over and over again hoping it to work next time

This is like wanting to be with the boy or girl of your dreams
If that person wants to be with you, he/she would make it happen

Harassing a person with unwanted communication is not going to make the EP's agenda happen, you are only hurting yourselves, it is a self destructive choice.

If your posts today @ 01.53 and 12.47 are in response to Sleeping's post yesterday, I don't understand why you've responded the way you have Hithere.

Sleeping has not been told that the cards she sends are unwelcome; "He hasn't asked me to stop so I just continue". You appear to be responding based on your personal experience of receiving unwanted communication from your own EP's.

I agree that if an EAC tells their EP's they don't want to be contacted in any way shape or form, their wishes should be respected. However, that is not the only response some EP's receive. Sometimes there is no response at all and TBH if an AC feels strongly enough to estrange their parents in the first place, I find it difficult to comprehend that they would be unable to tell the parents they've estranged, to desist from sending cards.

In Sleeping's situation and for any EP who sends cards and has not been asked not too, I don't agree that it is harassment or even that it is unwanted. If it were, they would be told.

As EP's often say Bridie, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't which is why I believe that in the end, we should do what is right for us and put ourselves first in the decision making process.

EPs also use their own experiences when posting - as human beings, we all do.

We have EPs posting that they continue to send cards even after being asked to stop, because it is what the EP decides
Posters tell her to do what's best for her, despite being told no.
So what's is it? Disrespecting EAC's clear wishes are ok just because EP decide they do not agree?

You have a person continuously asking to see you, asking you out, saying hello, saying they are thinking of you.... in this case, it would be considered harassment as you do not reply and you are not interested.
Why would it be different in EP/EAC's case?

But Sleeping hasn't been asked to stop sending cards Hithere has she and as you haven't said otherwise, I assume it was her's your posts were responding too.

I have seen EAC accuse the parents they've estranged as not being interested when they don't send cards so it cuts both ways. EP's are just as entitled to do what they feel they need to do for themselves, as are the AC who've estranged them.

If you haven't been requested to stop with the cards, I would do what is best for you.

They have the choice to either read the cards or bin the cards. It costs them nothing.

If someone isn't communicating that they most definitely do not want any communication, then I see no problem in holding on to a glimmer of hope.

"They have the choice to either read the cards or bin the cards. It costs them nothing."
Very wrong - every action had a reaction

What anybody does has a ripple effect anywhere else

If it was bad, I'm sure they would say.
Since they havent, as I said, a glimmer of hope is ok, if that is all that's on offer.

And creating more ripples?
Sometimes it is not worth it

What ripples do you mean?
Open card, have a look, in the bin.
Quite simple, no drama, no ripples as far as I can see.

Miss A

If you believe the other side is not affected by your actions- nothing I can write will convince you otherwise

You have a person on the other side of the action, not a rock without feelings

Unless you understand that and how your actions affect other people, the cycle of dysfunction will not end

I would assume the other party is able to communicate if something I did causes them upset or anger.
People have posted here that they've been told in no uncertain terms that communication was unwelcome.

MissA
No wonder some cases of bad relationships are never mended.

Yes, isn't it?

An estrangement is a two way Street. It's not all about the "estranger".

If the estranger wants no contact, they can make that clear. If they haven't then the other party needs to do what makes them feel better.

Some contact leaves the door open, no contact shuts it forever.

It's the same point as was made just now.
Both sides are made up of people with feelings, rather than rocks.
It isn't about any one person holding the power.

The thing is that No Contact is a loud statement. It is a statement that says, i will no longer speak to you.

Some estanged parents are of the opinion that i have done the right thing in 2 ways, which are that I have given reasons for estrangement and i have made my desire for no contact clear.

But doing those things came at a huge cost. Breaking no contact with a person you no longer want a relationship with, comes with an emotional cost.

For me, giving my reasons for estrangement gave my mother something to address in replies to me. Her demands for reasons were answered so why not her other demands to me? All while my reasons were ignored or denied. All i achieved was to show her that if she kept making statements i did not agree with at some point i might reply.

When she was sending cards and stalking my children on social media and I made clear that none of us wanted contact, it was simply a reply to her, it spurred her on, it showed her that she could make her presence known and acknowledged even of the only acknowledgement was me saying i did not wish contact. It let her know her words were getting through and i was seeing them.

Now I am in true No Contact, I do not answer, I do not acknowledge, I do not read and neither do my children.

The attempts have finally stopped.

Any estranged adult child looking for advice on the internet would easily find what No Contact is, a way to protect themselves. They will read experiences like mine which will show why breaking No Contact causes more harm.

Whether their estranged parents agree with their estrangements, any reasons given etc... A lot of adult children do believe they have a good reason to estrange... Whatever the cause of that, whether they are right or wrong, whether their perceptions or memories are real or not.... Thsy believe they have good reason

So if they are full No Contact and years have passed with no acknowledgement then very likely, that is a loud statement in itself.

Hithere, how do you know what Sleeping was going through ? Have you never made a mistake? How do you know what her son is feeling? Thank goodness there are people who with some life experience can see that there can be forgiveness and a fresh start. One wrong action doesn’t make a bad person, a wrong choice perhaps. Sleeping was young herself, going through a tough time, didn’t stop her loving her child. I don’t know all the circumstances, so I wouldn’t judge her, I do know you haven't walked in her shoes, but I see she’s hurting and loves her boy and isn’t harassing him. How can you forget giving birth and that love you have? If he doesn’t wish to have any communication with his mother he could return the cards.
Everyone deserves a second chance.

If my attempt at communication is still unwanted im dam sure my EC could tell me !!
But...what if they are just waiting for an opening from me?, Hithere, just because you are steadfast in your estrangement doesn't mean all are otherwise families would never reconcile.

How do you know how many chances she was given?