Estranged hut sending cards

Bridie

A million papercuts and a billion chances will do that to you

Glad that works for you Violet Sky.

Sending a card doesn't go automatically with stalking children and all the other stuff.
That is some people's situation, certainly not everyone's.

Misadventure if I left any other relationship and they continued to stalk me online, send things to my home, turn up in person at my home and also do these things to minor children sho arent theirs.... Well everyone would cometely agree with me that was awful behaviour.

Yet when its a parent doing it, it is somehow different and as an adult I have no right to end that relationship on my terms...

I will never understand why that is the case.

I am not owned amd neither do i owe my parents anything.

It is the same with my children. If i want their love, respect and their presence in my life i must earn it. I know more than most it is not a given.

The parent here isn't doing that, though.
You are talking about your mother.

So it is a spectrum of wrong?

I believe so.
A card which arrives once a year, that a person can drop in the bin is nothing like contacting children and disrupting their lives, turning up uninvited to someone's home, making up accounts in order to try and gain access to the family.
No comparison.

Exactly MissA if an EAC feels that being sent cards is being stalked then that can be communicated to their EP's either directly, or by a third party.

This thread is about sending cards, not stalking on line, sending unwanted gifts or arriving uninvited and unwanted at someone's home, none of which I can imagine anyone thinking would be acceptable.

Is sending cards when you've not been asked not too stalking? Not IMO, but if it's regarded that way by the recipient of those cards then all they have to do is say so. They've already said they want nothing to do with the parent(s) they've estranged, so saying they don't want to receive cards or anything else for that matter, shouldn't be too difficult should it.

Hithere...been there got the cuts...but im willing to risk more for my children.

It's the difference between my imaginary partner telling me to stop nagging, or grabbing my face, holding it close to his whilst he shouts at me, with his other hand raised ready to punch me "Stop effing nagging!"
A spectrum.

Violet Sky...you have every right to end a relationship as you wish...we also have the right to try to fix it where possible.

Of course we do Bridie if that's our decision .

Those cards used to harm me on my birthday but putting that aside... It isnt really my point, except when i say again, most believe they are justified to estrange... There are those who dont believe I am, there are those who dont believe many are but that doesnt change that they and i have done it.... And perhaps for whatever reason their life has been improved by it in some way as they habent gone back...

Any family member who has estranged any family member usually believes they have done so for a good reason.

There is something everyone on this forum, who comes asking for support with their estrangement knows on a basic level...

And that is that they are estranged.

So if they know they are estranged and the years have shown that is unlikely to change, then I think the message that no contact is wanted is quite clear...

The only time there would really be a point in reaching out would be if there had been some sort of change and an understanding of why the estrangement had occured and how to mend that from either party.

How likely is that? Should life really be on hold in hope for that?

Does sending cards help anyone really?

If at some point, those impacted by estrangement, on either side of it, cant move on from that relationship, as I couldn't for years... They risk harming themselves.

Obviously I dont mean talking about it and getting support... I mean having any expectations of the other party involved and healing your pain being reliant on them giving you what you need in some way.

I have learned that healing my pain must come from me and i am responsible for that. Not the person who hurt me.

I realise i have just rambled and said the same thing multiple ways but editing is beyond me at the mo.

I certainly don't see anyones life being improved by asking for support and being likened to a stalker, an ever present and ominous presence, who constantly oversteps the mark, and who lies and manipulates in numerous ways.
People, not rocks with no feelings, as has been said.
There is no need for these comparisons.

I dont agree MissA

Thats what unwanted contact is,

I don't agree estrangment doesn't make that clear enough...

It is a harsh reality true, ive been estranged by family members myself who did not agree with my decision to estrange my mother. I have felt that pain when messages and cards went unanswered. It was horrific.

I stopped when i realised no contact was wanted.

The other side of that was that every unanswered card caused me pain amd stopping meant i could focus on healing and not being reliant on someone else to heal me.

So if it is an unliked comparison, its one that also comes from my own experience on both sides of estrangement

Well, it's fine to disagree.
For me, it's about keeping things in perspective.

Everything in life is about spectrums.
I could shoo my cat off the bed, or I could kick it around like a football.
Vast difference.
I could send a child away from the table for messi g around, or I could systematically starve a child.
I could lose my patience and shout, or I could use my voice as a weapon, to terrorise a vulnerable person.

I agree MissA unpleasant and unnecessary comparisons.

So Miss A
I love the double standard - EP can make the decisions they are best for them and they do not impact anybody else
But the same cannot be said for EAC

Of course they can.
Who said otherwise?

Technically it was actually my mother I accused of stalking us...

And that is exactly what she was doing.

I had made clear it was unwanted contact.

But when pressed I have said that unwanted contact is indeed stalking, The question was only whether getting no reply made that clear or if it needed to be actually said or not.

Thats not a judgememt really because like me, others may need to come to that realisation for themselves.... And as I have said, coming to that realisation may actually help them to heal.

So given the question i was actually discussing... If someone makes it clear they want no contact and the contact keeps coming.. Is that stalking MissA?

The op has had nothing to make clear one way or the other.
Estranged people are free to deal with cards as they see fit, obviously.
Hold a card burning ritual, quietly dispose of them, or stash then away somewhere, if that fills some need.
Who knows?

Personally, if it was me, I wouldn't continue to send cards, I would go quietly away and save my money and time, but it is such an emotive subject, who knows until they're faced with it?
Even then, no two situations will be the same, because people arent all made the same way.

That doesnt answer the question though...

A good friend did tear up, chuck in the mud and jump up and down on one of my cards... She refused to say what was in it.

But honestly seeing that handwriting was enough to trigger a hell of a lot of fear and remembered emotion.

My friend used to send her daughter £100 for each birthday and christmas, and it would be sent back, all torn into tiny bits.
They did reconcile, and she found that her daughter had kept every card she sent.

Look at it this way

One person might steal because they want something and they arent willing to save or go without it.

One person might steal because they cant feed their children.

Its still stealing. There are still repurcussions for all involved.

Obviously we can all have empathy and understanding for someone in a difficult situation doing something for what they believe is the right reasons...

But if there is a better way that benefits them in the long run then we have to tell them, even if the repurcussion is an emotional one