Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

I think the best thing you can offer someone you are trying to support VS - is a non-judgemental ear. Even when we agree with someone we might agree 'our way'. We all bring life's baggage to everything we do and even a difference of nuance can feel invalidating if you're hypersensitive to criticism, which many of us are or have been.
Often being heard and understood is the biggest gift we can receive. If you want to give input perhaps reassurance that they are allowed to feel however they feel and do whatever is in their best interests.
Focussing on those who don't understand is such a waste of emotional energy. Focussing on our own truth and path and offering non-judgemental (either positive or negative) support while others follow their own is probably the best we can do.

VioletSky

I'm sitting in the garden trying to fix my dodgy tan lines and dodging occasional wayward Frisbees

Now that's a metaphor for life

Your analogy is spot on and made me laugh. Have a lovely day.

You'd only need a few fig leaves ....?

Only a few DiamondLily? I'd need the leaves, branches and fig tree trunk!

I'm sitting in the garden trying to fix my dodgy tan lines and dodging occasional wayward Frisbees

Now that's a metaphor for life

Thank you Mandrake

Its good to get to the point where you know who you are, your self worth and your reality and no one can damage that but it is also good to be able to be there for those starting that journey

Chewbacca

I'm still here waives enthusiastically ??

Does anyone else find that, on return from a few days away, the amount of washing you've accumulated, far exceeds the amount you'd have for the same period you'd have had at home? Why is that?

Waves back, but wearily, has a busy morning clearing units for furniture delivery, all aches and pains now.?

I know what you mean about clothes and going away - have you thought about going to a nudist colony next time?

You'd only need a few fig leaves....?

My remedy for dealing with intrusive thoughts is to literally put a physical hiatus between them; go for a long walk, get immersed in the garden, get involved in a big baking session, go for a swim, anything that involves physical exertion and that demands full attention and stops dwelling on things that can't be changed. Being out in the fresh air and enjoying and appreciating all that's naturally around us is truly uplifting for the soul.

VioletSky

I need support this morning

I have met an AC like me struggling with severe anxiety.

They have been to the doctor and have been getting help with it for years and seen 5 different counsellors.

Like me they have been advised to estrange to save their own mental health by a professional.

After spending time with his parents his own child started to have the same anxiety issues and the AC finally found the strength to estrange but is now been stalked in public places.

Yet people keep saying they don't agree this AC was abused and that their opinion matters more than the ACs feelings?

They think this is ok

What should I say to them to help them understand how unkind that is?

I have learned that I have to be okay with my own truth and knowledge and accept that others, who don't have my experience or who don't know the full story, will have their own opinion. It's not an informed opinion they have, so I just have to accept that.

If you want to say something I'd say something like, "You don't have to agree with their perspective but that is their reality." or "I know what you think you know, but you haven't had their experience."

Namsnanny

There is so much information out there and it does help so its good to have a place to get support and pass that information on to those who need it.

I understood my mother a long time ago.

She is a narcissist.

She doesn't care. I tried for years to make her understand she was hurting me and what I learnt with professional help is that she doesn't care.

Here is what was explained to me:

Narcissists don't hear you and they don't validate you. They aren't interested in the quality of the conversation or the importance of it.

Narcissists are amoral.

Narcissist are only interested in their own wants and needs.

They can't be reasoned with, you can't explain to them the basic fundamentals of kindness and respect, they don't care, you are just a means to an end, to get what they want.

You see, a narcissist just has to be superior in all situations. They don't see you as a real genuine individual person you are just an object to use to get what they want.

They just want supply, they just want to make you feel negative emotions so that they can feed off them and feel superior over you.

They will literally say anything, nothing is off limits. No matter what hurt or pain you go through, they will use that situation to say something shocking or humiliating or hurtful so that they can enjoy your reaction and feel superior.

They aren't like the rest of us, most of us find happiness in the positive things we bring to the lives of others. Most of us find happiness in bringing support and help and giving and recieving love or friendship.

So all those years where I was trying to reach out to her, thinking that I was the better person, that eventually I could make her understand how to love and be loved, were wasted.

She only loves or rewards those who give her admiration and attention as she is. That will support her in her wrong choices and agree that those choices are justified. If anyone questions her, she will turn on them in an instant.

So I never could have had a loving supportive mother because I can't watch a wrong choice and agree with it.

Obviously that still hurts, after all this time... but it is what it is

I'm much happier than I was and it keeps getting better

I'm sorry you are in a position where you need to be supported vs. When I feel helpless, I just hunker down until the emotions settle, then look for positive information.
Would this attitude help you?
Or even your friend?
Have a good day, if you can.

I need support this morning

I have met an AC like me struggling with severe anxiety.

They have been to the doctor and have been getting help with it for years and seen 5 different counsellors.

Like me they have been advised to estrange to save their own mental health by a professional.

After spending time with his parents his own child started to have the same anxiety issues and the AC finally found the strength to estrange but is now been stalked in public places.

Yet people keep saying they don't agree this AC was abused and that their opinion matters more than the ACs feelings?

They think this is ok

What should I say to them to help them understand how unkind that is?

I'm still here waives enthusiastically ??

Does anyone else find that, on return from a few days away, the amount of washing you've accumulated, far exceeds the amount you'd have for the same period you'd have had at home? Why is that?

Well I certainly haven't see "EAC after EAC bullied of gransnet" in the 9.5 years I've been a member. Some have left as have some EP's.

Whiff your comments are making it seem like I said something to you I haven't.

It isn't fair or right to do that.

I have seen EAC after EAC bullied off gransnet.

Invalidated

Triggered

Ignored

Threads disrupted.

No one has to talk to me.

But I'm telling you there is an issue and we can work to fix it with a little kindness and patience and literally no one who isn't an EAC wants to agree we should try.

You're welcome to post here imaround as is everyone. Over the years EAC have shared on the support threads and continue to do so. They have been supported by EP's on this thread and others. I know I have supported you here on GN as I've supported other EAC and IMO it is the insistence that EAC are not welcome which is causing the problem.

There was a lot of unpleasantness on the estrangement forum a couple of weeks ago and the main protagonist on this and other threads in the estrangement forum was an EAC, who I'm sure to everyone's relief, was banned.

For whatever reason, not everyone wishes to engage with everyone on a particular thread and/or subject so shouldn't be seen as happening because someone is an EAC.

This constant rhetoric which pits EP's and EAC against one another is in no one's interests. As the unpleasantness of the past couple of weeks has shown, on an open forum no thread is safe because if people want to cause disruption and upset, they will.

The support thread has evolved over the years and yes, the first was for EP's/EGP's because the lady who started it was both, and as there weren't any EAC openly sharing their own experiences, it remained for EP's for sometime. That is no longer the case and hasn't been for sometime.

The other threads on this forum that are currently active, are active in part because of the contributions made by EP's. Some of the posts have injected a degree levity as they have on this thread which is what happens in RL conversations, and on virtually every single thread on GN. There's nothing sinister or underhand about it and I don't understand why it's suggested that there is.

As far as I'm concerned there's only an issue between EP's and EAC if someone chooses to create one.

QuoteChewbacca lovely pics, glad you had a lovely break away.

Good post Spring

Allsorts

I don’t think there is a greater love or bond than a mother feels for her child, instant love and protection. Your life changes the minute you hold and see them, that is why being estranged as a mom is the hardest thing. I do find it upsetting that some seem to think to be estranged you are an abuser, I don’t want to hear it or read it, it’s salt in the wound. I will not get into an exchange with them, it’s irrelevant to me,My hope is that this is a safe place for people thinking and coping as I do, supporting each other.

I agree with you 100% Allsorts very good post.

PS. I do agree with you Whiff. ?. That should have been the first line, but disappeared. ?

Whiff

Imaround this thread is for all who have been estranged no matter what sort. But we choose who we engage with. I choose not to engage with some posters that's my choice . I don't know how long you have been reading this or previous support threads but they have been going over 9 years . I have been on the support threads for 2 years. I have learnt not to engage with some posters old and new. This is not a dictatorship you don't have to respond to every poster. I have my reasons for why I don't engage with some I have learnt the hard way to them I must know why my son decided to throw me away and when I say I don't I am called a liar not out right but in a sly way.

Why should I engage with those I choose not to here I wouldn't in real life. But here if someone doesn't like what you have to say you find your posts deleted.

You are free to post what you want but people are free to choose whether or not to respond to you . That's why these threads are still going all these years later and why they are needed. Without the help and support I have had from the support threads I couldn't have got through the last 2 years.

Estrangement has been to long a taboo subject at least the support threads are bringing it out of the shadows and many like me no longer feel alone .

It's the same on any forum - not everyone decides to engage with everyone else.

I don't talk to every single neighbour I've got, and forums are no different.

I can't see what the problem is. People can post, and if it doesn't break GN rules, then fine.

If it does break the rules, then GN can sort it.

These threads do provide support, whether they are day-to-day chat, humour, or, sometimes, the more serious stuff.

No one has to post anywhere online, if they're unhappy with doing so - it's a voluntary act.?

Imaround this thread is for all who have been estranged no matter what sort. But we choose who we engage with. I choose not to engage with some posters that's my choice . I don't know how long you have been reading this or previous support threads but they have been going over 9 years . I have been on the support threads for 2 years. I have learnt not to engage with some posters old and new. This is not a dictatorship you don't have to respond to every poster. I have my reasons for why I don't engage with some I have learnt the hard way to them I must know why my son decided to throw me away and when I say I don't I am called a liar not out right but in a sly way.

Why should I engage with those I choose not to here I wouldn't in real life. But here if someone doesn't like what you have to say you find your posts deleted.

You are free to post what you want but people are free to choose whether or not to respond to you . That's why these threads are still going all these years later and why they are needed. Without the help and support I have had from the support threads I couldn't have got through the last 2 years.

Estrangement has been to long a taboo subject at least the support threads are bringing it out of the shadows and many like me no longer feel alone .

Normandygirl

*" Ask if it is really OK to go on an EAC thread and tell them they weren't abused?"*
Where has that happened? I genuinely have not seen it. It is not OK ,but neither are posts insisting that most EP's were abusers.
" Is it OK to go on a thread and disrupt it with random odd conversations and humour?"
Yes it is OK because it creates connection and connection creates a feeling of support for lots of us. Surely that is the whole point?
I was both an abused child and an EP so I try to see things from both viewpoints.

Yes, like you I was (in todays terms) emotionally abused as a child.

I'm dealing with a bouncing estrangement from my idiot stepson, and the fall out between my ex and adult kids after he estranged them for 10 years.?

Along, as with everyone else, the daily dramas of life. And, the added jolliness of poor health/disability.

Humour is what keeps my show on the road. I could sit weeping and wailing in the corner, moaning "woe is me" a lot, but I choose not to. My choice. ?

Life shouldn't ever just be about the negatives in it, and rehashing traumas - what sort of life is that?

GN have their rules on what can be posted and what can't, I'm sure they are capable of moderating it, so no need for others to try and decide what should be posted where. There is a reporting mechanism, I understand.

You are right - humour and chat creates a connection. Nothing wrong with that.

And, on that note, it's much too early for forum dramas, so I'm off for another belt of strong coffee and a shower.

All have a nice day. ?

True Mandrake.

Spring20, you make a very valid point and I have been thinking on this for a while this evening while I was walking (I'm down 10 lbs!)

This thread is supposed to be for all who are estranged. But some posters have said that they do not want EAC who have been abused because "we" need a therapist to deal with it. I have also seen on these boards that "we" need to stop living in the past and move on.

If this thread IS for everyone, then you will have EAC who have been abused on here. We deserve to be able to talk and get support too. Instead, when EAC do come here, they are, at best, the subject of passive aggressive comments and at worst, often ignored. A good example is the ignoring of VS the last 2 pages. She did not call anyone abusive, just was trying to chat and literally was ignored.

I keep asking myself, which is it? Is this for everyone estranged or not? Because posters keep saying that it is support for ALL who have been abused and then other posters say they do not want EAC here.

If so, then there will be EAC who have been abused and we will discuss our abusive childhoods. That doesn't mean we need a therapist or we are living in the past any more than EP here who have been estranged. That does not mean that we think anyone here was abusive or deserved to be estranged. We talk about our unique experience just like you all talk about yours.

The regulars on this thread need to make a decision TBH. Don't want to hear about abused EAC? Then leave us to our own thread and we will leave you to yours. It really is that simple. In the meantime, we are going to use this support for which it is intended, support for ALL who are estranged.

Dropping the need to defend our position might help too. If someone says they told their parent why and their parent won't listen, it doesn't mean that someone needs to justify why that isn't true for them. If someone says their parents were abusive, it doesn't mean we have to argue back that it's 'not all parents' and 'not us, so not true.' Be comfortable with your own truth, you don't have to justify yourself here.

I'm currently dealing with an estrangement situation I wish I could post but don't really want to share in public.

So my body thinks 4 hours sleep is enough...

Herefornow

I'm a real genuine person. Just like all EAC here. OK some come in to these threads angry or triggered but there isn't much of a welcoming committee...

My mother is not here. If she was, I would not be. If she was, I would know straight away just by her lack of attention to spelling and grammar, her sentence structure and the list off insults she would write about me.

The Estrangement forum is for everyone and I will continue to hold space for those who need it.

We are real genuine people.

We loved our families too until they broke us. Does that not sound familiar?

Spring had it almost right.

No one deserves to be a scapegoat for anyone elses trouble adjusting to their own sad situation and there is no side worth being on that does that.

Its about time people understand that it takes at least 2 to have an argument and cause issues here and be honest about where the problems originate... especially here it is admitted.

There is absolutely no real reason why we can't coexist by just using patience and kindness.

Its what damaged my mental health about this place when I was too ill to protect it.

But isn't that what healing from estrangement is all about? Finding that inner strength to be kind and patient and hold a safe space for people who need it?

They have to be able to keep it a free service somehow!

Fair point Summerlove but it's really annoying when it's slap bang in the middle of something you're streaming, like a tutorial!